Wednesday, September 18, 2013

5 misconceptions about LA

I just discovered Candy Crush. I realize that I am about a year late on this, but rest assured my work productivity has plummeted. I am now taking an average of 3 shits per day with an average length of 20 minutes. The design.ers of this game are raging cunts. Every level past 30 is nearly impossible without power-ups. And of course these power ups can only be attained by the old in-app purchase.

I have never made an in-app purchase, I feel like the people that pour money into that business model are just the scum of the Earth. I think about some overweight lower middle class girl named Takwanda buying a bunch of extra lives on her hand me down 3Gs and then getting yelled at by her dad...er her mom (dad isn't around) for spending 20 bucks in the iTunes store. Anyway, for days, I was using up all my free lives on this insanely difficult level. After I would use up all my free lives, I would stare at the countdown for 10 minutes until I was granted another free life...only to fail again. Eventually I cracked. I purchased an extra life for .99 cents because I was so so so close to beating this level. As you can imagine, I failed even with my paid life and I felt the most reprehensible shame of my life (and I have done some fairly fucked up shit) this feeling was exacerbated when I fell over leaving the stall due to the fact that my legs had fallen asleep due to the extended length I had spent in the restroom. I deserved it.

Anyway, while I was waiting for my candy crush lives to regenerate I had this idea, so on with the list of 5 misconceptions about Los Angeles.

5. Actresses/models are a big deal

Last week at work some actress left her iPad on stage and called the production office looking for help finding it. I answered, I went to stage, I attempted to find said iPad and failed. Somehow though I established a dialogue with this girl and she assured me her iPad was still on the premises, forwarding me screenshots of her find my iPhone and what not. I eventually invited her onto the lot so we could look together. She found it within 5 minutes and was so overjoyed that she offered to take ME out for drinks.

I should mention at this point that this chick was fucking hot. She's a struggling actress who is going to get to pay rent this month because she was paid the SAG minimum $859 (plus 10% agency fee) for her portrayal as Girl #2.

But of course I never called her because I am a huge fucking coward and I felt intimidated by her. It turns out she is also a model and her tits can be seen all over the internet, and she's playing a hooker in Sons of Anarchy all week. But also she's probably a little sad that the Ironside PA that helped her find her iPad never called. Because that's the thing about actresses and models. They really aren't shit. They are just struggling 20somethings like the rest of us, they just have more upside. This chick is a bartender on the side and probably lives in a shitty studio apartment in Hollywood with 3 other girls. She probably won't make it, but she might blow up and become the next Jennifer Lawrence. And had I called her there is like a 2% chance that I would have eventually banged her, and then when she became the next Jennifer Lawrence, the REST of my life I would wear that on my sleeve.

I guarantee you Jennifer Lawrence banged a PA when she was on the Bill Engvall show. And you know what? No one can ever take that away from that dude. He probably rolls around LA telling anyone who will listen that he fucked Katniss when she was 19, and even if the rest of his life turns out shitty he can close his eyes and jerk off to that memory every night before he goes to bed.

Main takeaway, don't be afraid to date a struggling actress, the story could pay dividends later.

4. People in LA are beautiful.
This is simply a fallacy. People in Los Angeles are no more attractive than anywhere else in the world. Hollywood is dominated by short, balding, old men. Do you know why the stereotype of a Hollywood agent is an angry man running around screaming? Pent up aggression from years of getting teased by Jason Segal and a then hetero Jason Collins at Harvard Westlake. Money can't buy you a career and popularity at 15 no matter where you live...but in the end Jason Collins is now a free agent and the bald angry man is a partner at UTA with a 19 year old Brazilian girlfriend.

The people you see on TV are attractive, the beach attracts a photogenic crowd but that's any beach in the world. You know who doesn't go to the beach? Fat people. Fat people are embarrassed about their weight, they do not want to voluntarily go to a location where people are encouraged to wear as little clothing as possible. The beach is for tourists, west siders and poor families from East LA that bus there because it is a free event for the whole family. Ever seen Dockweiler on a Saturday? It looks like a fucking Rodney King rally.

The thing is, I wish everyone in LA was ridiculously good looking, but I am legit the most eligible bachelor at my workplace. I feel bad for al the girls, I am like a 6 at best, and I am their best option. I wasn't even top 50% in my frat...in Bloomington, IN. I would argue that 47401 is one of the nations most beautiful zip codes.

3. Living in LA is sooooo expensive.
It's really not that bad. I live in one of the most desirable neighborhoods in LA, 4 blocks from the beach, have my own bedroom and pay $850 a month in rent. Pretty much any large city in the country is standard on $6 a beer at a bar, 4 dollars a gallon in gas, $50 a gram for blow...except the pot is way cheaper here, because it's legal.

That's how normal people define cost of living right? Gas, rent and vices? I suppose if you factor in your guaranteed DUI your first 3 years living here, you can add a quick 10 grand in legal fees onto that. But seriously, compared to New York, LA is pennies. Sure if you live in West Hollywood and have hardwood floors and granite countertops you pay more in rent than my parents do on their mortgage, but West Hollywood is fucking gay (both literally and figuratively) move to Santa Monica, get some cool roommates and sustain a lifestyle where 1000 in rent is a reasonable expectation.

I meet people my age who live in the valley because it is "affordable." I just want to fucking shake them. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE. "Ya, but I'm saving so much money."

For what? What the fuck do you have to save money for when you are 25? Looking into buying a house? Good fucking luck. A million dollars will get you a 2 bedroom cottage in Burbank and a lifetime full of jeers because you live in fucking Burbank. Just move to Venice and rent until you sell a few scripts. Then you can buy a condo on the beach...straight cash homey.

2. Hollywood is so cool, it's where all the famous people hang out.
I give the East side of LA a ton of shit. I think the people there look funny, they smell bad, they have facial hair. It's entirely not for me. Why the fuck would you move from the midwest and make it all the way to a coastal mecca and decide to still live an hour away from the beach...where you can see blondies in bikinis rollerblade all day? Oh because of Silverlake's emerging underground ska scene? Cool story bro.

That said, even my east side counterparts would agree that Hollywood is a terrible place where dreams go to die. Hollywood was probably very cool in the late 1930's. The sign was there, all the studios were there. Movie stars, the hustle and bustle of the entertainment industry...such a great post depression era town.

But now it's home to meth heads and Japanese tourists. It's literally a fucking hell hole. There is one square block with a couple movie theatres and a mall that is probably safe for a single white woman to walk between the hours of noon and 4pm, aside from that, it is the physical embodiment of AIDS.
Literally I would treat it like a goddamn demilitarized zone, if it didn't have a Chick Fil-a and a B dubbs.

Attractive actor types hang out in West Hollywood, every cool production company is in Santa Monica. The studios and networks are in the valley. And I don't even need to go to Hollywood anymore for Chick Fil-a, they opened one in Westwood...and I would literally rather drive to fucking South Central to get my bdubbs on. At least black people don't mess with white people, they keep their violence inside the race. Crack heads though, they're wild cards.

While it may have been cool once upon a time, I would advise against ever entering the box that is Franklin, La Brea, Melrose and Vermont.

1. Everyone in Los Angeles has a drug problem.
When I got to LA, I couldn't wait to go to a fancy night club and watch Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan throw down an 8ball on their table and just start going to town, NOT GIVING A FUCK. I also waited patiently for one of those crazy nights that I ended up in Leonardo DiCaprio's villa in the Hollywood Hills, naked in an olympic sized hot tub with 40 people while Tobey Maguire was dishing out hits up whip its.

It didn't happen. The problem is. As stated earlier, most famous folk are generally fairly normal. They might be married with kids or perhaps hang out at places where they don't get mobbed by paparazzi and adoring starfucking fans. I have ended up at "crazy houses in the hills" but it's usually at like some trust fund kid's house and it's pretty lame. A bunch of losers sitting around talking about all their "projects in development."

The problem is, as much money as their is in LA, it's not controlled exclusively by the Biebers of the world. It's controlled by real estate moguls and 60 year old writer/producers that you've never heard of. And while celebrities can be sighted at a local watering hole once in a while, in an age of camera phones, they usually aren't acting a fool.

Maybe I'm not running in the proper circles yet, everyone seems to have a story about how they smoked pot with Snoop Dogg or had a Molly induced non committal make out with the hot daughter on Modern Family at Coachella...I know a guy who banged the cheerleader from Heroes...that's about it. As much as I would love to tell you I went on a coke bender with Zac Efron that would be just as much a lie as saying I banged the next Jennifer Lawrence.


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