Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Blowjobs or cheese


I've been thinking for over a week now about how I was going to write about my labor day trip to Palm Springs. I could post a ton of pictures showing our gorgeous house and amenities. I could talk about the food we cooked and how fucked up we got at the dilapidated Ace Hotel. But I eventually came to the conclusion that no one really gives a fuck about my trip.

Hearing about someone else's vacation is like having your buddy describe in detail what sex is like with his girlfriend. No one wants to hear about that shit. Now I'll listen to stories about your sex with some slutty coworker or an infidelity with a married woman, but don't tell me you lasted 20 sober minutes missionary with your girlfriend. 

It's the same with other people's kids. I assume one day I will have children of my own and I will love them very much and buy them tiny polo shirts and tiny Sperry's and I will be the "cool dad." But FUCK other people's kids. Kids are the fucking worst. They are annoying, they're ugly, they're expensive. I used to get super shitty when my dad wouldn't let me have friends over. But now I totally get it. He had worked all week and just wanted to watch a Western and go to sleep...not listen to five 12 year olds hopped up on caffeine have a Goldeneye tournament in the basement.

So yes, this is what I think about when I see your fucking vacation photos and your babies blasted all over Facebook. I think about how my dad was right. Like I imagine if someone tried to tell me about their labor day vacation it would go like this.

Bro: Bro, Hawaii was so sick! I hiked an active volcano, swam with dolphins and went surfing every day! How was your weekend?

Me: It was great, I jerked off 3 times during one shower while thinking about your mom. (Simulated masturbation with a mimed cumshot at his face)

I am just incapable of being happy for others I guess. But I am also fair! Thus, I shall save you the boring details of my vacation and get to the most important revelation that came of it. (Aside from a member of our crew failing to put down a finger at "Never have I ever masturbated more than once in a day" that's either a miracle or a fucking lie...even when I have a girlfriend I occasionally fuck around with a multi-dayer for sport)

A few weeks ago I was asked, "would you rather give up blowjobs or cheese for life?" Apparently this is an age old question that guys have been asking each other for years over a few casual pints. And every time it has ever happened the immediate answer is "FUUUUUUCK cheese, getting your dick sucked is awesome bro!" And everyone kind of nods in agreement.

However, for the first time in my life, I bit my tongue. I chose instead to ponder this for a very long time. See, I fucking love cheese. I love all types of cheese. My favorite food in the world is cottage cheese, but I also have fond memories of growing up and banging out about 8-12 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, weekly. I like cheese pizza, I get two meatball subs with pepperjack cheese from my local Subway every Sunday. And I don't think I have gone a full 72 hours in the last 10 years without getting a Double Cheeseburger from McDonalds. I do fucking cheese power rankings/drafts with my friends for fun (Sharp cheddar always goes first, but somehow I always snag provolone in the later rounds)

You see it is one of the most important things in my life. I frequently tell people who are lactose intollerant that they should just straight up kill themselves. Send yourself to Belize because a life without cheese is not worth living.

Now on the other side...and if you don't want a visual of me receiving oral sex that's fine...skip the next 4 paragraphs.

I am quite well versed in the blowjob as well. I got my first at 16 giving a girl a ride home. My buddy showed her his dick and somehow I ended up getting a bj while said buddy had to sit in the back seat and shamefully watch. She later joined a top tier sorority at IU and I counted it on my sorority hook up list. The whole thing was just a big win for me.

In the years after I got many many more, partly because I skewed towards the one night stand types, and partly because I primarily sought them out during college. Three things stopped me from having sex with 100 people in college: 1. Fear of std's 2. Fear of pregnancy 3. A stage 5 case of whiskey dick. I would usually say to girls some bullshit like "I don't have a condom, or sex causes too many strings in feelings." The truth was I just didn't want to, or I had been drinking and I didn't want you to run back to your sorority and tell everyone my dick didn't work. If I did have sex with you, congratulations. That means I was fairly sure you didn't have AIDS...and had I knocked you up I was either fairly certain you would pay for the abortion yourself or that we would get married and your rich parents would buy us a house and get me a job.

I know. I'm a terrible person.

But moving on. Blowjobs are great, no one disputes this. No one will tell you that blowjobs are fucking terrible, no one is trying to ban them. But this is the dirty little secret. Blowjobs are severely overrated.

I'm going to draw a little metaphor here, now stay with me. When I was 11 years old, I was on this baseball team that had a very primitive reward based system, pieces of gum. When you got an at-bat you would get a piece of gum for every base you touched and every run you drove in. Example: a double = 2 pieces of gum, a 2 run home run would be 6. I was a hitting GOD at 11 so I always had the biggest fucking mouthful of gum. But here's the thing. The gum we got were those little white gumballs that were engineered to look like baseballs and they had little baseball terms on them. "Grand slam" and "Strike" I LOVED getting those baseballs. I would argue with the team mom whether I should get an extra piece of gum because a run scored during a wild pitch on my at bat. (THATS ANOTHER RBI MOTHERFUCKER GIVE ME THAT GUM)

But the gum itself of course was the worst fucking thing on the planet. It had this faux peppermint flavoring that would go away quicker than fucking Fruit Stripes. It was worse than Bazooka Joe or Double Bubble...but I LIVED for those fucking gumballs. It was like whoever had the biggest wad of gum in their mouth at the end of the game, was the biggest man.

Which takes us back to the blowjob. The idea is great. 10 minutes of effortless pleasure looking at the top of some girls dome whilst she services you. But in practice, after it's over I just can't help but worry about whether she is going to try to kiss me with my own semen. I just want to rush out the door and high five the first guy I see...and of course I'll know that if one of my buddies/enemies ever kisses her I can throw out a "How's my dick taste!?!?!"

But that's really it. And also think about this. I am 26, most of my blowjob days are over. I would like to think that my future girlfriends/wife and I will be sexually active well into our 40's...but come on, I've got like 5 years of bjs left MAX and thats IF I roll with a younger crowd. Once you get wifed up, the party is over. Once a year on your birthday, if you're lucky.

Unless you married a slut that loves sucking dick. But if that's the case she's probably a slut and will suck other dicks, that's a whole different issue.

And you would be giving up a LIFETIME of cheese? For your annual blowjob? 

Want that bagel w/ cream cheese to help kill a hangover? NOPE
Like to sample the brie at a fancy dinner party? FUCKED
Cheesecake? RRRRRNT
Going back to IU for a football game and can't wait to get some Uncle D's? Try the new vegan place dickhead.

No cheez its, no goldfish, no queso dip.

Life really wouldn't be worth living.

There is a scene in the movie Garden State where Braff's psychiatrist says after he caught his wife in bed with another man he didn't get an erection for 5 years.

Try sporting some wood knowing that you will never have nachos again! Ponder that while you're delivering your annual flaccid throat fuck.

Guys, upon further review...it's not even close. Blowjobs can take a hike. You are still more than welcome to explore every other orifice of a woman's body. Lube it up and hit the back door, titty fuck it up and give some pearl necklaces. Try bagpiping! Or maybe, just maybe experience the old school joy of good old fashioned vaginal sex. And then have yourself a cigarette and a nice grilled havarti sandwhich, because you have fucking earned it.

A knockout win for cheese in the middle of the 3rd. And this was the case I made to my friends while on vacation in the desert.

So for those of you thinking TL;DR let me sum it up for you cheese > blowjobs.

Now dairy vs. sex...
That's a debate I'm just not ready for.



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