Ever since I started writing I always had this one story I desperately wanted to adapt. I would always fantasize about the opening scene...
There is some devastatingly handsome guy at a bar, leaning up on the rail...cocky smile like he owns the place. He's talking to some babe over beers. Let's say it's Zac Efron, perhaps in his post heroin rehab comeback. So right as he is about to take this chick home (this chick has some fucked up ears but a banging body) this little fairy comes and tells him he needs to come with her NOW.
And the viewer is like...wait a second, this arrogant bro was about to go slam this dime, but now we're living in a world with fucking fairies? Ok...interesting. We pull out a little and realize everything in the bar did look a little off. Very wooden, and our protagonist is all decked out in green...Wait, no fucking way...is this some sort of retelling of Peter Pan?
No. It's not.
So our hero steps out of a tree. Yes the bar was in a tree. He pulls out a green hat out of his bag and pulls it slowly over his sandy blond hair, then for the first time we see him unsheath his long silver sword. (Not a metaphor for his penis) and stare at the fairy awaiting instruction.
Navi (that's the fairy's name) explains to our guy that some evil monster has taken a beautiful princess hostage...blah blah blah some faint song from our childhood starts softly playing, crescendoing to...
SMASH CUT TO TITLES.
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA.
Ahhh man, I get hard just thinking about it. Live action Zelda movie starring Bro Link fucking up all of Hyrule while also crushing all of the pussy from the Shadow Temple to Lon Lon ranch. It's true, I spent months of my youth playing that video game in my basement. Politely declining backyard baseball games due to an undisclosed illness, straight up in the basement in the dark eating a Domino's pizza with my Nintendo Power guide telling me exactly how to 100% Ocarina of Time. I firmly believe that I could have been a professional athlete had I spent half the time I spent playing Zelda learning how to catch a pop fly.
But I didn't. So now I'm a 26 year old production assistant with an advanced knowledge of a video game that came out in 1998. But it wasn't all for not because I could still bust out the Bolero of Fire if someone handed me an Ocarina. And look, I probably won't get to write the big screen adaptation of the movie ever (it likely won't happen...thanks a lot Prince of Persia/Mortal Kombat Annihilation) but consider the following my audition. The next 5 stories I will tell you are not even loosely correlated to the game or eachother, but take notice Hollywood producers. This is my voice.
Since we need something to structure this rant around let's roll with the 5 best songs that could be played on the Ocarina.
5. Minuet of Forest
When I was in college there was this epic party thrown by this frat that will remain nameless. The party was called *redacted* (sorry if that tipped my hand) basically it was this 500 person rager with a live band and every hot piece of ass in the greater Monroe county area. It started off innocent enough. Beer baths, jungle juice, finger banging a freshman on the dance floor...standard fare. But as things started thinning out people would disappear into rooms with closed doors and then reappear 20 minutes later with ambition of watching the sun rise. As confident as I am that everyone at that party was blown out of their skull on copious amounts of cocaine, so to is my confidence that every female that works out at the Universal City LA Fitness has fake tits.
It's amazing, these girls show up in yoga pants and sports bras with impossibly perky d-cups. I'm always trying to do a few bench sets and get the fuck out of there but I just can't fucking leave. I've been trying to figure out some sort of causation for this anomaly but I have failed thus far. All ages, all nationalities. Hard bodies. Perfect tits.
The best part is all the meat heads approach them and ask them on dates, offer them a spot...I'm not sure whether to sport wood or laugh. My trips to the gym are all fun and games until I get to the steam room/sauna/hot tub and I am just straight up assaulted by gays. Nothing is more offensive than trying to relax after a work out only to find a couple massaging each other in the hot tub. It's not even a gay/straight thing. Couples workouts are fucking miserable, regardless of your sexual preference. I just think that 60 year old gay couples think that because they are so old, they don't have to play by the rules of decency. Whatever, I just get in my car, leave, drive by Vivid entertainment and go into work at Universal. Wait a second, now that I think about it, Vivid is a porn company. I have definitely jacked it with that logo superimposed in the lower right hand corner of my computer screen.
Mystery solved. Every girl at my LA Fitness has been turned out by the Bang Bros.
4. Epona's Song
Ok, one of the most contested battles on the internet for OC enthusiasts is the notorious love triangle between Seth, Summer and Anna. I never got too deeply involved because I was a Ryan/Marisa guy all the way. As you all know, Seth chose Summer (because Anna was from Pittsburgh and people from there always lose) and Anna went on to star in one episode of Entourage and then quit acting. The end.
However, I think a far more compelling love SQUARE were Link's choices of babes in Ocarina of time. So you have Saria, Link's childhood friend who turned out to be a Sage, which I believe is like a goddess? Then you have the horse girl Malon, who TOTS wanted to fuck Link the entire time. Finally of course you have Princess Zelda. Let's do a quick pro/con.
Saria:
Pros: Goddess, strangely erotic green hair
Cons: Elf ears, unclear rules on mortal/immortals banging out
Malon:
Pros: DTF, gives you free milk
Con: Ginger, rides horses*
(I heard a rumor when I was growing up that girls that ride horses MUST have full bush, because it acts as some sort of vaginal padding when riding bareback. I have no evidence that such a practice is commonly accepted, but I blindly accept this as fact)
Zelda:
Pros: Super fucking hot, rich, princess
Con: Ok let's be honest, we're going to save that bitch and fill that gash all the way to the top. Rule 1 in life, always choose royalty son.
3. Requiem of Spirit
So there is this movie called LA Story. It stars Steve Martin. This story is not like the story in LA Story, but it's a very LA story...or moreso it is a story that is #SoLA.
I was at this random party in the hills a few weeks back after a movie premiere, it was pretty lame, but there was this chick that was super into me. She ends up inviting me back to her house where she promises to make me Cheese Quesadillas. We get back to her house and instead of making cheese quesadillas she proceeds to take me to her bedroom and felatiate me. Which is cool...BUT. Lately I've been putting a lot of time and effort into the cheese vs. blowjob debate, so instead of my usual "just last at least 30 seconds so this isn't embarrassing" thought process I couldn't help but wonder what type of cheese she might have used in those quesadillas. I assume it would have been a sharp or mild cheddar, but WHO KNOWS she might have gone rogue and used an aged garganzola. I was so deep in my internal debate that I failed to notice 10 minutes had gone by. No one likes to suck on anything for 10 minutes, unless it's a sour apple blowpop. I switched my train of thought to, OMG last at least 30 seconds, and 4 seconds later it was over.
I made up some excuse and Ubered it to the nearest In N Out, when I approached the drive thru I ordered a triple double. The cashier politely assumed I meant 3 patties and 2 cheese slices (like that 3rd cheese slice is really going to send my cholesterol over the edge when I'm ordering a triple cheeseburger at 2 in the morning) I corrected him. Naw mahfucka...cheese patty, cheese patty...CHEESE.
The next Monday at work I went to make myself a small bowl of cottage cheese and instantly became aroused. I have inexplicably developed a Pavlonian response to cheese that a blowjob is imminent. The two are forever linked in my subconscious, so I either need to contract Leo to incept me, or the next time old girl domes me up I better be eating a cheese quesadilla, I feel like that could break the curse.
2. Prelude of Light
I am going to a wedding in a month in Springfield, Illinois. I thought, hey what the fuck is in Springfield? The Lincoln home? You bet. I'll get myself a little culture in central Illinois. Today when I googled the site I was greeted by a nice fuck you that read "due to the government shutdown, all national parks have been shut down." Ya that's right, those fucktards in Congress get paid to sit on their couch but the old lady selling post cards in the gift shop at Lincoln's house is out of a job. Fuck you America, but you know what...I don't blame you. I blame Sex and the City.
We once lived in a society where people got jobs and paid their bills. But now every upper middle class female that thinks office life is boring moves to New York to "pursue her dream as a writer." Because OMG Carrie Bradshaw's apartment was like SOOO nice...and I'll work 2 hours a day and just go out to drinks with my besties and gossip about all the pole we smoked the previous week. Look at Lena Dunham, she's TOTS living her dream.
First of all, Carrie Bradshaw looks like a horse, and via the transitive property we can assume that she does not shave her bush...and no one should aspire to look like a 50 year old French nudist. 2nd of all, print is dead and no one reads your blog, so stop being an apathetic little cunt and either make an honest living on the pole or hit up your parents for more cash. Because if I can't roll on ecstacy checking out our 16th President's boyhood home due to a government shutdown, I may be forced to watch Girls reruns on my Doubletree's tv while I wait for the wedding to start...but hey, Free HBO!
1. Zelda's Lullaby
I haven't decided who I would cast as Zelda yet. Perhaps we'll do Shailene Woodley. Right after Link hookshot's Ganon in the eye and then piledrives his sword into his eye (freeing Hyrule and rescuing the princess) there will be this awkward moment where Zelda doesn't know how to react to the levity of it all. I mean Link DID bang Malon AND Saria on his epic journey, but hey he's a fucking stud and he saved the day. I imagine it is exactly like the closing scene from The Spectacular Now, except instead of a cut to black and an ambiguous ending they share a sensual kiss over Zelda's lullaby. She then leads Link to her Royal Chamber and they consummate what will inevitably go down as the greatest power couple in Video Game history. (Fuck Mario, he's a blue collar plumber with a retarded younger brother and by far the worst playable character in Super Smash Bros)
So there you have it Hollywood. My audition tape. You want an outline? Nope. Story? Nope? Just have Nintendo or the Japanese fuck who owns the rights just go ahead and send over the paper work and a few bottles of vodka. I'll give you the single greatest cinematic masterpiece since Grown Ups 2. And yes I understand that it is far from likely that I will receive the Academy Award for best adapted screenplay, I'm sure I will have ample time to make a rousing speech when I accept the best original song oscar for Nocturne of Shadow Dubstep Remix.
Jesus...did I mention I've already been fired once for writing this blog?
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