The most frustrating invention of the 20th century was certainly the single cup coffee maker. Essentially you have to go through the exact process of brewing a pot of coffee, yet it yields only one cup. Who the hell has ever wanted just one cup of coffee? Perhaps there is some caffeine novice who requires only one cup to have a productive morning, but eventually we all turn into zombies that require the equivalent of crystal meth to walk 15 feet from the bedroom to the shower in order to wake up in the morning. For this reason, when I am perusing the K cup selection at work I always seek out the most intense titles.
For example, Jet Fuel is more likely to get you JACKED UP than Starbucks Blonde. Moreover I choose to fly with the Black Tiger any day before Donut Shop. In fact my real secret to success is to do a Revolution K-cup and then slam dunk it with a purple Nespresso capsule (the purple ranks 9/10 intensity and tastes infinitely better than the 10/10 black. It's very similar as to how 'Wild' wings at Buffalo Wild Wings are delicious whereas 'Blazin' is a flavor reserved for self loathing sadists) This is referred to by commoners as the 'Red Eye' a phrase that never made sense to me. When I'm flying on a red eye, all I aspire to do is sleep, and when the fucktard next to me throws on their book light and decides to read for the entirety of my flight I become borderline homicidal. In fact let's take the time now to rank the 5 worst people to sit next to on an airplane.
5. Overweight person.
I will forever maintain a certain level of physical fitness if only to not be the fat person on an airplane. I can imagine no shame greater than being told by Southwest that you need to purchase a second seat.
4. Someone that smells.
Oh I've been this guy, coming off of a NYC bender where I have slept 3 total hours, changed clothes once and showered 0 times. It doesn't matter if it's BO or alcohol coursing out of your pours. There should be a minimum accepted hygiene code of conduct for all flyers. Remember when people got excited and dressed up for flights? I promise to never say "Ok I'll do one more shot and then cab it straight to the airport" ever again. It's unfair to fellow humans.
3. A Talker.
Look, unless you are a 21-30 year old blonde female between 105 and 120 pounds I really have nothing to say to you. Even if you are, I might chose a few quiet smiles because I can't sustain conversation for 4 hours and I don't want to hit an awkward lull somewhere over Lawrence, KS. I prefer to read, sleep or fuck around with my personal in-flight monitor and send sexts to the smoke in 11C (on Virgin Flights only)
2. A baby.
I do not know how there isn't an airline yet with a minimum age requirement. Is it discriminatory? Crying babies are about the worst thing in the world. Some day I will (maybe) be a parent. I will have to deal with this inevitability at that time. I should not be subjected to it until I so chose to make that life decision. In church or a restaurant, the parent has the option of removing the annoyance from the public. Not so simple on an airline. As an alternative form of punishment I think the parent of said crying baby should be forced to buy drinks for everyone in the nearest three rows affected. God would it suck to be in that fourth row.
1. Red-eye reader/bathroom person.
There is an unspoken code among flyers. Lights out on a red-eye and if you sit in the middle seat or window you are allowed one bathroom break. If you have an overactive bladder you pay the 10 bucks to insure that you get an aisle seat. About the biggest affront to humanity short of war crimes is waking the aisle person up MULTIPLE times so you can fucking pee. The same with the red-eye reader. Who is this clown that is trying to finish a powerpoint before going into the office Monday morning, or catching up on the Divergent series? Do what everyone else in America does, bum an Xanax from a friend who goes to a Beverly Hills Doctor.
But back to my point about one cup of coffee, I don't sit at Starbucks all day and get quarter refills on my coffee or go broke buying a second latte (seriously I feel shame if my daily spending at Starbucks eclipses 10 bucks, if I do get a 2nd latte I always get an unflavored one to stay under this threshold) but if you are at the office or doing some work from home and you put forth the effort to brew a pot of coffee; you deserve more than one cup.
The problem is, I have gotten to a point in my life where I am basically a robot. I add certain things to my body to increase my energy during the day (30 cups of coffee, red bull, rockstar, adderall, pepsi) and then at night I power down with some Nyquil, red wine and an imperial IPA. This is not healthy, nor do I recommend it AND YES I KNOW BENZO ABUSE IS HOW ALL THOSE CELEBRITIES DIED LEAVE ME ALONE. This is just the way it is. That is my routine.
That said, I'm not so sure self-medication is a bad thing.
When I'm stressed out, I go for a run or vent on a blog post.
When I'm upset about girls, I drink a bottle of red wine and watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When I'm nervous about my career prospects or what I'm doing with my life, I take a slow pensive walk to the beach and breathe in deeply because I don't have it too bad after all.
These are all forms of self-medication/self-preservation I suppose and although there are healthy ways of handling your problems and unhealthy ways, I believe there is something to be said for meeting them head on instead of pretending they do not exist.
There is so much good in this world if you make an effort to go find it, yet we spend so much time focusing on the negative side of things.
For example: I have a minor annoyance in my life right now. I am flying to Phoenix on Friday to go to a wedding with my dad. Flight prices inexplicably shot up 300 dollars overnight and I was faced with the grim reality that I was going to have to drive alone 8 hours to Phoenix or suck it up and buy a 500 dollar flight. Fortunately for me, I have ninja-like Priceline skills and I was able to lock in a flight of 200 dollars by naming my own price.
Unfortunately, the Sunday flight I was assigned gets back to LA at 9pm. How does this fuck me? I had plans to go pick up a new kitchen table Sunday and then tickets to OAR at the Troubadour. In order to rectify this problem, I need to standby on an earlier flight and for that "convenience" United will charge me $75.
I schemed all morning about how to get out of this fee.
"I'll take to social media! Airline Twitter accounts LOVE to engage the customer."
"I'll dress in a suit, I'll volunteer to sign up for their credit card, I'll offer to sit next to ANY ONE OF THE WORST 5 PEOPLE TO SIT NEXT TO ON A PLANE."
Just don't make me pay that 75 dollar stand-by fee!!!!!
Or. I just say fuck it and pay the 75 dollars because: I'm going to a million dollar wedding in Scottsdale with my dad, whom I rarely get to see, Ikea dining sets are like 100 bucks and oh my god I'm seeing my favorite band in the world in front of a crowd of 200 people. Plus I know the secret to drinking for free on airplanes, so I'll totally make that $75 back.
Usually the best form of self-medication is a quick attitude adjustment. When I'm seated next to one of the undesirables listed above, I could bitch about it or remind myself how cool air travel is in general. I bet the majority of the Earth's population will never ride on an airplane, and I complain if I don't get an exit row? The worst.
The thing is, sometimes when things seem to be at their worst, the next big thing is right around the corner. My show ended 2 weeks ago and I haven't found a new job yet, despite having countless meetings and sending out a thousand resumes. So you know what? Instead of wallowing in my own misery, I'm going to grab my surfboarT and head to the beach, because last time I checked bagging rays is the only thing that is still free and never going out of style.* I'll probably get 5 job offers while I'm in the water and then I'll have a whole new set of problems.
*Wear sunscreen because chemotherapy is not free!
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