5 more annoying trends that need to stop now

Pictured: Hero

Last week Mila Kunis (the person that always gets me through a bad break-up via Forgetting Sarah Marshall) became an America hero when she went on the Tonight Show and made a Public Service Announcement that men needed to stop saying "We're pregnant."

Now I'll be honest, I haven't seen the video all the way through but she highlights things like the fact that women may wake up nauseous with morning sickness during a pregnancy. While men may wake up nauseous during the same pregnancy, but it's because they got shitfaced with their homies "BLAAAAAAH I'm gonna be a dad!" Not a fair trade Kunis claims, and I agree. Women certainly catch the short end of the stick when it comes to pregnancy. But furthermore, I loathe the entire idea of a married couple becoming a literal single unit. We're pregnant would be the same as saying, "we're having our period," "we're passing a kidney stone," "We're getting our prostate examined," NO!

Your wife is pregnant, be supportive and give her all the ice cream she wants.

But there are 5 more trends happening in the world right now that need to be smothered with a pillow and shot in the face. Here is my public service announcement.

5. Men wearing engagement rings
Women wear engagement rings for two reasons, to make their friends self conscious and to publicly tell other men that "No, I will not sleep with you." Really, it's a jewelry of convenience. Instead of walking up to a beautiful girl out with her friends, buying them drinks all night only to find out that it's not going to happen, a quick glance at the left hand and a little sparkle calls a mission abort. Every little girl dreams of her wedding day her whole life, the perfect dress, the perfect venue, the cake...the band, what song will she dance with her father, where will the honeymoon go? The wedding is for her. Alec Baldwin said it best in The Departed, for men marriage is proof that you aren't a queer* and your dick works. (*A dated 2006 reference) Men meanwhile tend to focus on how many youth sports they will involve their sons in and how great it will be to have free labor again. (Truth; kids = pledges)

The man that wears an engagement ring is a self conscious little pussy. Either he is doing it because his fiance forced him to or he REALLLLY wants you to know that he is getting married. This is like the guy that interjects himself in any conversation his significant other has at a party. HI I'M HER BOYFRIEND, WHO ARE YOU!? "This is Carl from work honey, chill the fuck out." Anyway, man wearing engagement ring guy is definitely "we're pregnant guy" and they're both getting cheated on.

4. Radical hair changes
The description of Ombre hair reads like one of Stephan's monologues. OMBRE is this season's HOTTEST drip dry trend for hair! YOU can look like a CALICO CAT in heat wearing sun-in.
Because that's all it is right? Highlights that start halfway down?

Pictured above is Ciara. She looks like a fucking skunk. Remember when there were rumors in the mid 2000's that Ciara was born a man and it ruined her career? (Now it would be SO progressive and sell more albums) Well this current iteration of Ombre Ciara is fucking worse.

And look, I get it. Women are jealous they missed out on the frosted tips era of the 90's.

I mean, look at this fucking legend. This guy somehow came back from that and is now the most famous person in the world. If JT could come back from megadouchedom I'm sure Ciara can survive her Ombre hair and so can you. But this is the ONLY time a chop is justified, because come on, does anyone really think this is hot?

Um no thanks. I'd rather have an 18 year old unshowered Katniss, bleeding substantially from the abdomen who would undoubtedly fire an arrow through my heart post coitus. At least I would have some hair to pull on when I was cu...sorry. Just stick to long hair and traditional highlights if you don't mind.

3. Lying about where you live
It's the world cup, so patriotism and xenophobia are at an all time high. I personally think that xenophobia (fear of people from other cultures) is the most socially acceptable of all prejudices. Back to back world war champions buys you the right to be a little cocky, and sure everyone hates Yankee fans, but you have to respect their capitalistic gangster. They spend more money than most and crush the little guy. That's my interpretation of the American Dream right there. But beyond being a solid patriot, I also take irrational pride in my neighborhood, and I can't stand people that lie about theirs.

Long before great Americans like John Brooks Jr. and Matthew McConaughey a bunch of men and women fought for our freedom. That freedom allows, among many other things, for you to live wherever the fuck you want.

It did not however, grant you the freedom to live close to a desirable area and self-identify as a resident. We live in a land of defined boundaries. If you live east of Walgrove, you do NOT live in Venice. If you live Beverly Hills Adjacent, it is not BASICALLY Beverly Hills. If you live in one of the poor neighborhoods across the street from Geist Reservoir in Indianapolis, please tell people you live in Lawrence or Oaklandon. West of Clybourn is no longer Lincoln Park. If you live in Harlem well...you do technically live in Manhattan I suppose. I RESPECT THIS LOOPHOLE!

Look there is no shame in living in Studio City because you don't love your kids enough to send them to private schools. Just don't spout out some bullshit about living in "Laurel Canyon" it's not a real place. YOU ARE VALLEY TRASH.

I for one will be raising my kids in the 90291, sending them to Venice High, where they will learn how to handle a skateboard and a switchblade.

2. Your discovery of Eastern religion
Of all the grievances I have with hipsters, this is undoubtedly the bullshit I find most egregious. For the most part, I think hipsters act the way they do for the same reason that most people behave certain ways. They want to get laid. I act bro-y and obnoxious because I am largely interested in banging rich immature sorority girls, they seem to approve of my schtick. If I wanted to hook up with art school drop outs with tattoos and gauged ear piercings I would move to Silverlake, pick up a pack of Lucky Strikes and buy a bunch of plaid shirts to go with my skinny jeans. I would hang out at the Echo, listen to struggling singer-songwriters and have the cover of a Bon Iver album branded on my shoulder blade.

But...

I just cannot condone, your paradigm shift in your religious beliefs. If you are a white or black kid living in America you grew up Catholic, Protestant, Jewish or nothing. Maybe a few black kids were members of the Nation of Islam, which I'm fairly sure was just a religion started to spite white people and get out of the World War II draft, but I'll even turn a blind eye to that.

But you cum guzzlers that read the "Eight Fold Path" somewhere and now feel enlightened, oh you can go straight to whatever hell they believe in. I imagine being reincarnated as an ant that gets torched via a magnifying glass by a four year old REAL HINDU in New Delhi would be a pretty shitty fate. That's irony right there. The truth is, I find the studying of religion to be very fascinating. I learn stuff from all cultures that I can use in my daily life. But reading an article in Vice doesn't make you a Daoist. I now damn you to an eternity of watching the Keanu Reeves film, Little Buddha.

1. High Waisted Jeans/Shorts
I do not know how this ever became a thing. I understand how neon came back. (Ecstasy) I understand how member's only jackets came back (white guys nostalgic of a time they could be latently racist and call nerds on the playground queers) I do not understand how FUPA jeans made a comeback. I can say objectively that high waisted jeans are an affront to humanity. Everything that women's fashion has accomplished in the past 20 years (spanx, padded bras and yoga pants to make the body appear more desirable) has been wiped from the Earth in a nuclear holocaust, because now THIS is cool.

That is Mischa Barton. She used to represent everything I believed in (assuming she was the exact same as Marissa Cooper) She was skinny, tall, wealthy and dressed like a popular girl at a prep school.

This is Marissa dead, after she has literally been hit by a car. But notice she still looks significantly better than in the high waisted jeans. The low cut denim shows her slender figure and the casual top says hey, I'm sexy but I don't always have to turn it on.

Case in point to women...no one gives a shit about your hips. Those high waisted shorts you wore to Coachella aren't REALLY making your butt (#teamboobs) look great, just drawing unwelcome attention to your belly button unless you have a body mass index under 19. If you want to try a new fun fashion, how about a romper? Those look fun! If I was a girl I would wear exclusively summer dresses and rompers, because this hourglass body dream you have? Not gonna happen.

So this summer, when you are trying to decide how to mummify your hair, or make an explosive fashion statement just remember, most people are looking at your face for a pretty smile and simple never goes out of style.