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| Subject 6 liked big black cocks and apparently mediocre beer. |
1. I think Kim Kardashian's ass is gross, and I think the only people that like it are black men. The reason Kimmy K's ass failed to break the internet is because the white people were too busy on Reddit talking about us landing on a comet...and Boost Mobile doesn't support 4G data speeds yet.
(This has been my mildly racist thought of the day)
2. I don't understand people that complain about the weather. Just move. It's that easy. I assure you, you can get a shitty staffing job at Aerotek in any major US city.
3. The Top 3 Too Many Cooks characters and which Greek House they would have been in at IU.
3) Victoria Sun - Delta Zeta (Because she is extremely eager to get naked)
2) Katie Adkins - Chi O (There is precedent for this)
1) Smarf - AEPi (Universally beloved by stoners)
4. The top questions that Sarah Koenig is not asking on Serial right now.
SK: Adnan, did you ever have sex with Stephanie?
SK: ADNAN DID YOU EVER HAVE SEX WITH STEPHANIE?!?
AS: Um, ya...but like I didn't talk about it, because I didn't want to sound like a piece of shit.
SK: YOU STUPID FUCK, IT GIVES JAY MOTIVE! JAY DID IT BECAUSE YOU FUCKED HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEN HE FRAMED YOU!
But I eventually decided not to pursue any of those, because Alex Hassan got picked up by the Oakland A's today.
Now if you made it through a socioeconomic/racist joke packaged as women's body bashing, a slam on the midwest and the low level sales jobs many of my old friends have, some slut shaming and a little reference to a sorority house massacre, please stay tuned because it is about to get a lot worse.
So who is Alex Hassan? Alex is a right handed Center Fielder out of Quincy, MA. He boasts good arm strength and surprising opposite field power at the plate...and of course he was #6 on the Duke fuck list.
Oh you don't remember?
Back in 2010 a hero named Karen F. Owen wrote a thesis on a 13 Duke athletes she had sex with
She eventually posted a 50 slide presentation with her clinical findings.
Karen would describe the evening in question of how she met each "subject" and then describe their hook-up in detail. Afterword she would describe "Memorable moments," Pros, Cons and finally attribute a raw score to each experience based on a number of factors: Physical attractiveness, dick size, talent, creativity, aggressiveness, entertainment, athletic ability and bonus.
If you have a spare moment, I would urge you to read her entire report. Not only is it fascinating based on content alone, it is incredibly well written. While I can understand why everyone freaked out when this story broke, the flip side is that there is a cost of doing business when you take home a notorious jersey chaser, an assumption of risk if you will.
What you will read below is what I direct messaged Karen Owen on Facebook today. It is not a request for an interview or in any way an indictment on anything she has ever done, just a friendly film pitch.
Hey Karen,
My name is Dave. I'm a young writer living in LA. I work primarily in television as an assistant while I work on my own original pilots. Recently I have been really into the idea of viral internet mistakes. Over the summer I wrote a pilot inspired by the Cunt Punt email. It got some traction, I basically took the idea of a mistake made years in the past that comes back to bite you and threw in some J-Swipe jokes. It was pretty good, it has some traction, we'll see.
I'm reaching out to you, to see if you have ever explored the idea of adapting An Education Beyond the Classroom into a feature film (we'll come up with a better working title...something like My Horizontal Life, it will bring back nostalgia for 'my so-called life') Specifically, write an R-rated romantic comedy. Seriously, it will be super easy to get made. I know a fairly famous TV actor, he'll do it, and then we'll just attach a chick who has like a million followers on Vine. How do you think shit like "That Awkward Moment" "Two Night Stand" "What's Your Number?" get made...hell "He's Fucking Perfect" sold for like a billion dollars five years ago and I don't think they even made it.
What we have here is like a perfect storm of R rated romantic comedy tropes. You are a hot chick that behaves like a stereotypical frat bro, drinking too much, acting kinda slutty, hell I bet there was even some drug use that you omitted. It's the movie that everyone WANTS to make now, but is afraid to. And the international component? Genius! We get the Canadian guy that speaks French AND the Australian lover? HELLO FOREIGN BOX OFFICE!
Sure, your character is kind of shallow, but that's fine. We'll have you save a cat in the first 10 pages and then anything else you do the rest of the movie will automatically be forgiven, like when you cost that dude with the small dick his job at Goldman? No one gives a fuck...wah wah bad economy movies are so 2012, 2014 is the year of the strong female protagonist. And how about that story with the guy that couldn't get it up until you played 'Ruff Ryders Anthem?' BOOM. DATED SOUNDTRACK! Ever hear of a little movie called Guardians of the Galaxy? I'm pretty sure they just print their own money now.
We could take the plot in so many directions. The obvious angle that jumps off the page is you are actually writing this piece for a small lifestyle magazine in Manhattan and meet a charming Minor League baseball player from a working class family, you accidentally fall in love, but then he mows your lawn and you run the piece. Somehow he tracks you down on the Booklyn Bridge and sings "You're So Vein" while holding a love fern. Matthew Lillard is involved.
Ok, so that's just a mash up of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Summer Catch, I haven't had time to outline this out properly.
But like you see where I'm going with this right? 13 sexual partners isn't that big of a deal anymore, and like who hasn't made a joke about premature ejaculation to their friends before. I think we're looking at a four quadrant hit. The bros will love it, the feminists will love it, the sorority girls of the world will feel validated. Ok, so maybe every person over the age of 30 will find this concept wholy despicable. But...whatever fuck them. Independent film is about being niche. The flyover states probably didn't like the extended dong shots in Shame either but that movie got nominated for a Golden Globe (I feel like Fassbender would earn an excellent review by you, at least in one category)
So look, we'll just tell the story of you doing this whole thought experiment because you wanted to. You're an independent 21st century woman. We'll paint all the guys as somewhat douchey, except one who we'll eventually pair you up with to live happily ever after. We'll give him a fat funny friend played by Josh Gad. I think we can do this whole thing for a budget of like a million bucks.
What I need from you is a 12 month option for a dollar. If we get a studio to bite, I'll co-write with you and hopefully we'll sell it to a WGA signatory production company so we can get that dope ass writer's insurance. I've been needing to get my wisdom teeth out. Or maybe we'll do a kickstarter. I'm sure the world wants to know what you've been up to. Maybe you want a normal, quiet life in like rural Maine. If that's the case, just give me the rights and I'll cut you in on the back end as a silent partner. If you are interested in writing, I'm not currently managed, but I'm hip pocketed by someone at Mosaic. They could probably get you a low level agent somewhere shitty like Gersh if you're into that kinda thing. Let me know. I'm here to help.
Again Karen, I was blown away by your literary talent when I read this thesis four years ago and still find it incredibly compelling. Your style is edgy, witty, almost Lena Dunhamesque but without making me want to commit suicide, twice. I am not bullshitting you. I appreciate your time and look forward to your response.
Best,
Dave
So that's that. I mean, all the people that reached out on Facebook with interest in developing that Molly bender story in Colorado...that's still happening, but like we may need to just quit our day jobs and start AWOL Films because there are too many good tales of young people misbehaving that aren't being told right now. We may not be the heroes that Gen Y deserves, but definitely the storytellers they need.
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