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| Pikachu cat's finishing move...killing you with cuteness. |
I vote not because I have any strong feelings of social responsibility, nor do I have any personal preference on many of the issues. I doubt my vote will make a difference, I vote merely so I have something to be self righteous about the rest of the day and it doesn't hurt that I get to leave work for an hour or so.
Some of the hard hitting issues in this California election? The Governor for one. The current Governor is some dude who has literally been running the state off and on since 1975, entire empires rise and fall in forty years, mafias rule for shorter, how this guy has stayed relevant for this long is incredible, but he will probably win re-election because he is running against some guy with last name Kashkari.
Elsewhere in the state people are voting on serious issues such as what to do with the Santa Monica Airport.
See Santa Monica has an airport where all the rich people that live on the west side fly their G5s in and out of. But they take off and land right over the poor area of Santa Monica. Those people are pissed because it's loud and annoying, but these are the same people that have annoying signs in their yard that say "Drive like your children play here." Well I don't have kids, and there is like a one percent chance that I will be able to afford a private jet one day, LET THE RICH PEOPLE HAVE THEIR AIRPORT!
The point I am getting at is the real issues are boring this midterm election. No vote on legalizing any drug, no measure to extend the bar hours in Los Angeles (COME ON) no referendum forcing a standard of hygiene requirement before boarding the Green Line metro...in short, I'm rather apathetic about the issues presented.
However, in the spirit of Democracy, I have curated some issues that I would like to see discussed more in the national eye.
MEASURE GTFO: Ban Lena Dunham from telling stories about her youth.
Argument for: Lena Dunham recently released her stupid book of essays which she is calling a 'memoir' (at the age of 26!) In it she talks all about her lesbian sister's vagina and how she was obsessed with it at age 7. Apparently she just couldn't help herself so she 'played doctor' on her three year old sister's vagina, and found rocks in there or something.
This is fucking weird, but no weirder than any other curious seven year old I suppose. What is weird is talking about it...oh and then later she talks about masturbating in a bed when she was 17 and her then 10 year old sister was laying next to her. That's seriously fucked up...I don't even MB with an animal in the room out of shame. This dumb hipster bitch should just shut the fuck up with all her weirdness, whininess and oh my god the female body is beautiful. Some bodies are beautiful, yours is not. Go lock yourself in a vault and count your money.
Argument against: The author of the argument for measure GTFO is clearly jealous of Ms. Dunham's success, as are a million other aspiring writers looking to exploit the millenial experience. Measure GTFO is a clear cut case of censorship. If you can't discuss confused children exploring their sexuality, what is next banning books? You know Russia banned the book Nineteen Eighty Four, banning books like Nineteen Eighty Four sounds like something that would happen in the plot of Nineteen Eighty Four.
REFERENDUM P: Re-Establish Pikachu as America's Pokemon.
Argument for: Pikachu is a homey. He is cute. He follows you around and chills. He kicks ass in Super Smash Bros. Pikachu is comfortable with silence, you could totally just watch a Comedy with Pikachu, he would sit on the couch and laugh when appropriate. Pikachu can go out to the bars with you and charge your phone if it dies, he is also a chick magnet. Bitches love Pikachu. I do fuck with Pikachu. He might not be the best at Pokemon, but he is the best Pokemon.
Argument Against: Get that whack ass stuffed animal out of here. Yes we concede Pikachu is cute, but that's what he is. He has the utility of Boo the dog. America's Pokemon is Charizard, because America is the best and so is Charizard. He is a god damn dragon. And he's the sickest dragon. Charizard would fuck up the Game of Thrones dragons. My man can destroy entire villages in a matter of seconds. ISIS would not fuck with Charizard, Charizard could enforce MEASURE GTFO (if you write a single word Charizard will turn you into ash) Charizard can light a joint for you. (Medical of course) And remember, if you need cute, Charmander isn't bad either.
PROPOSITION FOUR Legalize original formula Four Loko.
Argument for: I've never understood why it's cool to be a crusader for the legalization of marijuana but not things like cocaine or ecstasy. When will rappers like Rick Ross start ripping lines at their concerts and writing songs about #legalizewhite or Trinidad James could rewrite his hit 'All Gold Everything' to say something like "Pop the molly I'm feeling good about everything and appreciating my fellow humans...and sweating...WOO!" But those are far down the road for us pro-drug enthusiasts, let's start with a simple drink that is full of a bunch of legal ingredients that allows twentysomethings to fully appreciate their youth and what it means to be young. And by that we mean, black out but still stay awake partying for a super long time. This is the American dream.
Argument against: Four Loko ruins lives. Seriously, it is as bad or worse than heroin, meth, Ebola, that shit that turns people into zombies and makes people eat other people's faces. In fact, I think that will be the big twist at the end of The Walking Dead, everyone drank too much Four Loko. Literally the best thing that can possibly happen when you get drunk on Four Loko is you wake up naked outside your house with 24 hour amnesia. Again, this is the best possible scenario. This shit should be locked away with Smallpox and whatever else we keep in a guarded vault just in case chemical warfare becomes a path America choses to pursue.
BUT SERIOUSLY
You should get out and vote. A bunch of people died not so you could sit on your ass deciding what witty remark you say on Hinge will maximize your chance of getting a blowjob but so you can decide if you want free parking in your neighborhood or the future of rent control on your apartment.
I would also urge you to vote for things like allowing same sex couples to marry and perhaps raise minimum wage a little bit because if you have the opportunity to make other people happy when you aren't drastically personally affected, maybe you should just take it.
But mainly vote so you can shame all the people that didn't, I mean Lil Jon flew all the way to Atlanta to vote this morning because they lost his absentee shit in the mail (Turn out for what!) You can surely roll off the couch and walk down the street while whistling the Star Spangled Banner.
We live in a bad ass country friends, it's up to you to keep it that way. America, fuck yeah.
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