To whom it may concern: (The Venice Neighborhood Council [Jessica])
I love this neighborhood so much. When people ask me where I live I say Venice, California. Not Los Angeles. Technically I live in LA, but Venice trumps LA. Echo Park is in LA, I do not wish to be associated with such east side endeavors. I have considered getting a 90291 tattoo. I constantly shame people for living East of Lincoln.
What I'm trying to say is, 'I am on your side.'
I even support the Venice NC. I have one of your stickers on my laptop AND my beer fridge. If someone were to judge me based on my laptop, they would say. 'Hey, there is the surfer dude from Indiana that shops at Aviator Nation and supports his local neighborhood council.
Yep that's me. David Moeller, caring community member.
Now although we live in the greatest neighborhood in the world, I am not so arrogant as to not recognize that there are some things that could be improved. Venice has some issues. Gentrification is forcing long time residents out of their homes, restaurants and boutiques can no longer afford the rent on Abbot Kinney and we have villages of homeless people living behind Google.
But these issues pale in comparison to the modest proposal I will bring to you today. Venice needs a drunk bus.
***
I want you to think back to the happiest times of your life. If you are a normal well adjusted human being, these peaks in your life thus far probably include college and a smattering of vacations.
What do college and vacations have in common?
They are fun.
They involve lots of drinking.
There is usually some sort of subsidized shuttle.
Living in Venice already has the feeling of a perpetual vacation. It is always sunny, there is a beach nearby and there is nearly always something exciting going on. It IS a tourist destination after all. Lots of our restaurants and bars can always be popping off on a school night simply because of the hostels and hotels in the area, or just the fact that all of our residents are also on permanent holiday.
We are clearly missing only one aspect of the equation. So while the homeless problem should be addressed, let's just let Multinational corporations (Google) throw money at it, while the neighborhood council works on free transportation for intoxicated white people. Because who is pumping the economy anyway? This is simple Reaganomics.
What is a drunk bus?
Thanks for asking. A drunk bus is a shuttle that operates outside the general public transit areas and in a specific high traffic region of night life. Basically, it's a bus that does circles around a bar district to ensure safe travel for folks that need to travel from a specific point A to point B.
In Bloomington, the "midnight special" would pick intoxicated kids up at Kilroy's downtown and shuttle them back to the dorms, frats and yes even GDI communes.
(I remember GDIs in the back yelling that they had been on the bus longer so it should go to The Villas only to be laughed off the bus by a bunch of frat guys who would buy the driver's loyalty with exhorbanant tips...Capitalism)
The idea behind a drunk bus is two fold. It keeps drunk people from driving, which is great. It also keeps people in a specific area. The drunk bus will not take people to Santa Monica, it keeps that person (and their money) within the Venice neighborhood. Imagine the Rasta Bus, but it not painted Jamaican colors and does a fixed route around Venice.
So what is this route you speak of?
While drinking beers at Wurstkuche I drew this map.
The bus would originate at Firehouse. (Same place Sandra Bullock boarded the bus in Speed...fun fact!) The bus would then drive west on Rose and turn south on Pacific. There would be stops at Windward (Townhouse, Danny's, Nikki's) and Venice Ave (James Beach, Canal Club) then the bus would stop and turn around at Washington (C&O, Whaler, Cabo, Etc.) The bus then doubles back on Pacific and drives East (ew) on Venice Ave to Abbout Kinney where it turns Northwest. There will be two stops on Abbot Kinney that should service (The Brig, Tasting Kitchen, Gjelina, Other Room, Hal's, Etc.) And finally the bus turns North on Main and ends its route at Firehouse.
I expect the bus could do about 3 laps an hour.
OK, LA is broke, how do you propose we fund this?
Fuck LA, can't we secede already? Santa Monica and Beverly Hills don't have to deal with this Los Angeles bullshit...
But I digress. There are two possible ways I propose to fund this project, both private Venice money, staying in Venice...
Option 1. Get the bars and restaurants to fund it.
Sure Uber is great. But if you are having dinner at Chaya Venice you aren't going to trek to The Whaler for $40 during 8x surge pricing. But what if you are a bar/restaurant ON the route, and you get to advertise ON the bus, with your daily drink specials. Would that be worth a few hundred bucks a month to you? Sounds like a reasonable marketing expense to me. This bus will run for 5 hours, 2 nights a week. (Friday/Saturday 9p-2a) How expensive could that be?
Option 2. Make a developer foot the bill.
As much as it may infuriate you, Venice is changing. The slum by the sea, the artists' haven? It's over. This is now a neighborhood for spoiled white kids. That's just the way it is. But if you're like me, just hanging on in a rent controlled apartment, we can utilize this to our advantage. The old guard still has a voice, so when some mega developer threatens to build a 5 story parking garage on Abbot Kinney maybe he can buy some favor by kicking back some of the profits to the neighborhood and funding the Venice drunk bus.
But SRSLY, Uber and shit...
Look I love Uber, but I find surge pricing abhorrent, and my old trick of moving my pin to the middle of the Pacific Ocean and then texting my driver "oh, I guess the system is fucked up, I'm at Townhouse" doesn't even work anymore. Sometimes you have more than 3 people, and every time you want to split everyone's phone is conveniently dead.
The Venice drunk bus is not a designated tool to get you home for free, or even necessarily a cheap tool for bar hopping. It's about adventure. Maybe we'll get on this bus and meet a crazy band of hooligans doing key bumps in the back. Maybe we'll start a dance party. Maybe there is only one seat left and it's next to a beautiful girl who you will introduce yourself to.
The possibilities of the great unknown!!!
My proposal has holes, of course. How the fuck are we going to stop random bands of vagrants from riding the bus in circles all night, only to harass the wealthy patrons that ride said bus. Maybe you have to download some sort of app to board the bus. Maybe you charge a quarter to ride (That's 12.5% the cost of a 40)
Venice is not real life. It is a resort playground that I just happen to live in, frollicing around the streets care-free until someone finally realizes that I am a fraud and makes me leave. It has cool people, fun places, a beach and with a drunk bus, it's transformation to total dream land will be complete.
Join me in my crusade for a Venice shuttle, because every story that has ever started "So I was hammered and got on this bus" quickly becomes an instant classic.
Warm Regards,
Dave
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