Last Sunday night after the Colts got shellacked by Tom Brady and his balls of questionable integrity, I decided to blow off some steam in the best way I know how; by getting shitfaced at a BYOB restaurant then going to a karaoke bar.
It was a good time, I sang "My Own Worst Enemy" by 90's legends Lit. (It plays well, but not as well as The Killers. Never underestimate how much privileged white kids like The Killers) But my main memory from the night was this slutty looking chick on the dance floor wearing a bro tank and no bra. Her tits legitimately kept popping out much to the delight of a bunch of roided out homeys in Gronk jerseys. Eventually one of my buds came up to me...
"Yo see that girl on the dance floor?"
"In the Pizza Hut tank?"
"No man it says Pizza Slut..."
"Wait what?"
"Ya, she was on The Bachelor...and now she's into fashion or some shit, I saw it on Instagram."
Her name is Lucinda Aragon and apparently she's dating the coke addicted CEO/hero of Snapchat. Here is a video of her wearing said shirt.
This is the life of a former contestant on the Bachelor. You get voted off and then find yourself at Gaslite on a Sunday night while drunk dudes in Patriots jerseys take pictures of your tits to post to Reddit and masturbate to.
But you know that going in right?
I cannot fucking get enough of that show though. You hear week after week about how this shithead is looking for a wife and then he is going to take her back to Iowa to bail hay. But let's be honest, he has no plans of ever returning to Iowa. He's going to pick someone attractive and they will both start taking acting classes and make paid appearances at the Torrance Mall, only to break up and go on Bachelor Pad two years from now and Chris can have sex with all the chicks he vetoed the first time around.
It's amazing.
I run into former contestants of The Bachelorette fairly regularly to be honest. They're bartenders in Manhattan Beach or out of work actors, print models...even like "Independent film producers." When you ask them about it, I always hear some variety of...
"Ya, it's pretty staged, the producers have a big say in who comes and who goes...I've had sex with a lot of chicks that saw me on there."
That's a pretty healthy attitude to have about reality TV. I'll mingle with some attractive people and a few people will recognize me on the street for a few years. Eventually I'll turn 30 and then I'll get my life together.
Of course lots of the men and women are train wrecks and that makes for good TV, very produced TV, but entertaining nonetheless. (There is no fucking way they actually slept in those tents tonight)
But there is something delusional about the typical contestant on the show that permeates Los Angeles. Indeed, many of the people on the show inherently believe that this WILL be their springboard to fame. Hey that fucking dude on Grimm was on Real World. Didn't a black guy on Road Rules get to be a VJ for a while?
THERE IS A CHANCE. Jesse Palmer was a fucking Bachelor and now he's on ESPN. (Wait, he was a star college QB and back-up in the NFL? Irrelevant) The point is, most of these people will end up bartenders or PR assistants or Fashion Bloggers with a couple good stories.
It's very similar to the PA you are likely to meet that will introduce himself as a producer and hand you his business card that reads Andrew Vizion EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Vizionary Productios.
Oh you see what he fucking did there? He incorporated his last name and the word visionary to create a clever production company. But the problem is, Andrew is a fucking intern and went to some shitty film school back east. Andrew is a clown. Andrew@Vizionaryproductions.com is an email for a clown.
If you have any email than some variation of your name @gmail.com you are a fucking loser.
The following will be a deep dive into the flawed and archaic email addresses I see every day and what your shitty email address says about you. Furthermore, I will compare each shitty email address to a remaining Bachelor contestant, because something something #stuffwhitepeoplelike. Strap in. No one is safe. This should be a solid exercise in shattered dreams.
Custom Email Address:
Again, if you have this, you're a dick. You're likely a poser using a free gmail hosted account anyway. You aren't fooling anyone. If you are in the start up game and you have something simple like dave@acompanyistarted.com This is whatever, it gives you an air of legitimacy. But if you just make some shit up? Go fuck yourself. I've created fake production company names too. I even draw the logo with crayon when I go to Weurstkuche. But you know when I will use that? When I create a fucking production company that makes actual movies.
Custom Email address is Jade. Ohhhh you created your own organic make-up company? Well in the words of Kevin O'Leary TELL ME ABOUT YOUR SALES. Look, Jade was very pretty last night in her ball gown and holy fuck was that SHAMELESS shilling for parent company Disney's Cinderella. Also...does Jade have a back tat? I think she has a back tat. Jade, you are a print model from Nebraska who secretly wants to be an actress. Jade has probably have posed nude in the valley for photo shoots that netted you less than $100. (Update...Jade totally posed Nude) Jade will go far because of the Nebraska thing. Side note: Richard Madden should be the next bachelor.
SBCGlobal.net
If you have this you're just screaming at people I AM OVER 50!!! This is the email address I was given 12 years ago when I first discovered the internet! I am uncool. I do not know how to set up a smart phone.
Honestly I just feel bad for people with SBCGlobal.net emails. Is SBC even a company anymore? They're like LONG gone right? If my grandparents were still living they would have SBCglobal addresses. And they would send me animated ecards for my birthday and forwards telling me that my crush would have bad luck for 47 years if I didn't send the email to my entire bloodline.
Becca is SBCglobal.net.
Do you know why Becca is SBC Global? Because Becca is super hot and appears to give zero fucks. Becca lives in San Diego and is a front desk girl at a chiropractor's office. She probably lives in PB and surfs. I imagine she is cool as shit. Becca can't be trifled with such issues as an email address. She's busy stand up paddle boarding or something. If she doesn't win, life will work out for her. She'll probably marry a relief pitcher for the Padres.
Yahoo.com
Yahoo is trying so hard to be relevant. They brought back Community in a desperate plea to internet culture, they tried to change their server to YMAIL. But you know what? They will always be the green texts of email. Yahoo is like the Schlitz of web companies. They were on top of the mountain just lording over the entire industry. They became complacent. When everyone else started diversifying, spending money on R+D and Marketing...Yahoo said FUCK IT. We're the number 1 search engine in the world. Then some little upstart named Google just fucking crushed it. Now Yahoo is just the Dallas Cowboys, trying to remind people how awesome the 90's were. I mean, I got my start blogging on a GeoCities site. I will always love Yahoo Games and Text Twist, but Yahoo will simply never be cool again. It's over.
Yahoo is Britt.
Britt you were cool when you first came out. You were the leader in the clubhouse but then you got complacent and started FUCKING UP. What the hell was that shit you tried to pull last night with Chris. "Hey all these dumb sluts think you're a joke, so you should uh, just pick me." That's like when Yahoo unsuccessfully tried to acquire Groupon for 8 billion dollars. Everyone walks away looking dumb. I will say this of Britt though, at least she keeps it real. All these basic bitches are waitresses in Hollywood aka unemployed actresses/models. At least she owns it. Britt will probably get eliminated late and become a bottle girl at Bungalow until she's 30.
mac.com/me.com/iCloud.com
When I see this it reminds me of someone that is trying a little too hard to tell you they are an Apple person. I mean if you have a mac.com address I suppose it is something to be a little proud of. You're OG. I didn't convert to the MacBook Air era. If you have an old plastic white MacBook that had a screen that cracked 48 times, that is a badge of honor. I love my MB, my iPad and my iPhone. I've gone completely Mac. But Apple is still inferior to Google on a couple key fronts: GPS nav (Maps) and email. There are better ways of telling people you are anti-droid than boycotting Gmail.
Kelsey is a Mac. Kelsey is a villain and THANK GOD we finally have one. Kelsey plays the heel in such a passive aggressive bitchy way it makes me want to dance. Kelsey is too good for outdoorsy shit and a bunch of sluts ripping off their swimsuits. Kelsey is better than you. It was almost poetic when she went on an anti camping rant punctuated by a bee sting. It was almost too ironic. Judging from next week's previews it looks like she may black out, have sex with Chris and then vomit. This would be awesome. It would be more awesome if she had a trial by compat with Ashley I...here's to hoping.
Earthlink.net
Get the fuck out of here...are you a holdover from NetZero?
Earthlink is Kaitlyn. Get the fuck oot of here Kaitlyn, you think an Iowa boy is bringing home a FOREIGNER? Get your green card elsewhere.
AOL.com
Interesting case. Anyone who is anyone had AOL growing up...it was all about that screen name game. A/S/L bitch. Pic 4 Pic. I spent 5th-9th grade rushing home to get onto the internet and see what was popping off on AIM. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. I was going to sext with girls I was afraid to talk to? Every convo was the same. Hey! What's Up. Nothin, u? Just chillin. Same. The. Fucking. End. Oh what's that mom? You need to make a phone call? NOPE THAT SHIT WILL HAVE TO WAIT! Then we got a second phone line, then we got cable internet, then we got rid of the second phone line, then we got rid of the first phone line...
Yet my mom still has a fucking AOL email. How is this possible?
I think this is fairly standard for a lot of people ages 45-65.
AOL email address is Carly.
How in the flying fuck did she survive the first episode? Holding that stupid little juke box? She's a cruise ship singer? I remember going on a cruise in 8th grade. It was right in that sweet spot where I didn't really drink but tried to hook up with chicks. I had balls back then, I don't even LOOK at chicks unless I have had 17 shots of Fireball. 27 year old me is a pussy, I was a boss when I was 13. "Hey can I see your tits? No...OK. Wanna make out? Hey can I finger you?" Such a romantic.
Hotmail/Outlook
So this is like the Windows version of the mac/me/icloud. A lot of corporations still use Outlook/Exchange. Mac has never really captured corporate America, instead choosing to be more niche and creative. It's like the Soho Houe of laptops. If you have Outlook you're probably a nerd that I don't hang out with. I mean even a lot of nerds with Outlook have a personal Gmail, or some people still have holdover burner Hotmail accounts for their junk. I know when I signed up for Xbox Live Microsoft FORCED me to open up an outlook account. Is that their strategy? Hey all these fucking losers want to spend their weekends playing Halo, let's force them to get Microsoft emails...THEN THEY'LL GET THAT SURFACE PRO 3. STOP CALLING THEM FUCKING IPADS NFL!!
Ashley I is the Hotmail. The contrarian. Ashley I tried three times last night to tell Chris that she is a virgin. Each time she seemed too cryptic and drunk to get it out, finally she told him and the producers gave her a rose because STORYLINES. Last night in the "coming up next" segments thye kept teasing "her mouth isn't a virgin." It was eventually revealed to be slightly out of context in the sneak, the full line was "she keeps talking about how she's a virgin but all she ever does is make out with Chris, her mouth isn't a virgin."
I DESPERATELY was hoping this was a catty way of saying she sucks a ton of dick. Because that is a thing. There are girls who will remain virgins just so they have a thing to break into tents to confess. Ashley is one of these girls. I bet she sucks a TON of dick. She might even get ass fucked, but technically...
Something Corporate
Listen here Mike@nbcuni.com. I know that your work email comes to your phone because you are on call 24/7. And that's cool that you got upped to Coordinator at the studio and you're close to getting your own assistant.
But here is the thing. If I send you a naked snap of some girl I fucked. Or I send you a graphic manifest of the drugs I did on a weekend bender in Vegas and that goes to the email you use the most frequently and that email is your work email...THATS ON YOU.
Here's a quick tip. Keep the work email, have everything push to your gmail. If someone sends you a work email and you respond on your phone (on a Saturday) from your personal email? It's cool man. Gives you a low key feel. Oh shit Mike@NBCUNI.com is also MikeySMith6@gmail.com He's a human. He likes the number 6! Maybe he played sports and that was his number.
And you know what the difference is between Mike@nbcuni.com and MikeySmith6@gmail.com? Your human resources cannot slight you for the gay slurs I inundate you with via emails when you bail on trips to Mexico.
The corporate email is Samantha. Samantha went to IU and roomed with a girl my best friend used to date. Naturally, I am pulling for her. That said, although she is creeping through she has had less than 30 total seconds of screen time through 10 hours of programming. Clearly the producers think she is boring. Or she fucked the editor and then broke his heart. I don't know. I think Samantha was a transfer student or something because I remember she had a TON of hype coming into the Bloomington Greek system. But that all faded because she was in a house known for being crazy and kinda slutty and really wasn't crazy or slutty. Samantha is not going to win because normal doesn't succeed in reality TV.
Oh...and Whitney is a Gmail. Whitney85@gmail.com is going to win the Bachelor.
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