Kitchen Tables

The last time I lived in a home with a kitchen table I was 21 years old and staying with 10 frat guys at Viale Matteoti 25 Firenze, Italia. It was a nice table. We occasionally used it for dinner, more often it was involved in some sort of pregame ritual, be that beer pong, flip cup or just a place to set down your 40 when we went outside for a smoke.

That was seven years ago and I haven't owned a kitchen table since. I returned from Florence to move into a senior live out at IU that had a cool porch and front yard, but no kitchen table. I graduated college and moved to a three story brown stone in Lincoln Park that had a sick steam room, sauna and pool table but no kitchen table. I moved to LA and now I watch movies on my 20 foot screen...whilst eating Pad Thai on the couch.

It's not that I can't afford to go buy a kitchen table. I'm sure a couple hundred bucks could get me an entire set up with chairs and everything. I go to IKEA and Target fairly regularly, hell I cook a lot, but for whatever reason it just has never happened.

Sure there are some practical reasons. We have a small kitchen. A kitchen table would get in the way of the dart board, it would block my direct line to the water cooler when I'm hung over. (On Sundays I want to be standing the shortest amount of time possible, an extra 2 seconds round trip from couch to water cooler is something I would deem unacceptable) and of course the fact that I don't often have people over for dinner.

But what is more telling are the lifestyle reasons. I am a single dude, I don't mind eating on the couch, dare I say I enjoy it. My dad used to bitch at me for eating in front of the TV and now I can do it whenever I want. I eat a lot of meals out. I spend foolishly.

The truth is, I'm 28 and I have never had a serious girlfriend. I've always been much more comfortable getting drunk on the weekends and seeing what happens. If things seem to be getting too serious with a girl I often pull the rip cord before any real feelings get hurt. The fact remains, some of you are married, some have kids, some of you have been married and divorced already and I still haven't purchased my first kitchen table.

To say that there has been a paradigm shift in the priorities of my generation contrasted with that of my parents would be both an understatement and an oversimplification. By 28 my parents were homeowners and were just about getting pregnant with me (first child) Meanwhile I live in a 3 bedroom apartment with my homeys and do drugs in the desert. But that's just me. Lots of people in their mid to late 20's are buying homes and starting families. I just chose a path in which I live by the beach and have been to 22 countries vs the 3 my dad has made it to.

Just as I cannot fathom an average existence anywhere but here, there is an equal constituency that probably can't fathom life without a kitchen table.

So here's the deal...I'm going to give everyone a finance lesson really quick. We'll call it BROellernomics. No I already used that in an old post. How about algeBRO? Eh, I don't really like that either, but here's the situation...

Last week, for the first week in my life I netted $1000 in a weekly paycheck. A large chunk of that is in non-taxable mileage reimbursement because I drive a fuck ton for my job, but WHATEVER, the numbers are not important, the only thing that is important is I'm making more than I'm used to. One would think that this would slowly lead to an increase in my checking balance. After all, my rent didn't go up, my utilities stayed the same, naturally I will finally be able to start saving right? Dare I say contribute to a 401K?

No. Definitely not.

Broellernomics theory #1 If X equals a month's salary and Y equals expenditures, as X grows as will Y. This is essentially the transitive property. If A = B and B = C, A=C. In economics this would be called the break even point.

You make a $5000 a month, you spend $5000 a month. Your earnings and expenditures are equal, congrats your sheet is balanced.

In my world there are 3 types of expenses.

1. Shit that I just have to pay.

These are your basics. Rent, utilities, food. If you don't pay your rent, you get evicted. If you don't pay the internet bill, you can't look at porn. If you don't eat, you die. Sure, living rent free and being fed complimentary steaks every day would be great, but that's what being a kid is about I suppose.

2. Shit that I want (irresponsible spending)

A trip to Hawaii, booze, a new bike, an Alaskan cruise, a Jungle safari, a new car, hookers, an uber to Hollywood so I can go see Wicked for the 7th time.

These are the things that make me happy, I perceive them to improve my quality of life. 

3. Shit that I don't want to pay (responsible spending)

Oil changes, parking tickets, various insurance fees, new tires, preventative costs etc.

This is all that UGH stuff like new brakes that comes out of nowhere and always costs a bunch. Sometimes I just don't pay this shit. i.e. parking tickets because there is a 50/50 chance the local government is so fucked that they will never catch me. I have already destroyed my credit so that's not really a deterrent, plus the 7 years that it takes you to recover from bankruptcy seems less shitty every day. Seriously, if you have perfect credit borrow $100,000 and travel the world for 2 years, when you get back grab your nuts and declare bankruptcy. Piece of shit? Yes. Piece of shit with 2 years of good stories and fine credit by his mid 30's? Yes. Ok, that's horrible advice, promise me you will not do that.

So here is the problem. I always pay for the things in category 1, because I have to. Whatever money is left over I split roughly 90/10 between categories 2 and 3. Even though I know that getting my car fixed now will save me money in the long run, the trip to Vegas THIS weekend will always outweigh the responsible decision.

I guess what it comes down to is there will always be more things in the world that I want than I have money to buy, but I will buy as much of that shit as I possibly can. LOL I have a degree from Kelley.

Broellernomics theory 2: If you spend money on an experience, you can never undo that experience AKA You can't repo a memory. Economically this would be known as a sunk cost.

Ok as crass as that may sound, I do believe that having stuff is stupid. 20 years from now I won't remember what kind of clothes I wore, how nice my TV was, maybe even what kind of car I drove, but the trips? The experiences? That is gold. Seriously, I own nothing and it's pretty great. It's freeing. I would like to officially start the anti-asset minimalist living movement. If I killed a guy on accident I could grab a go bag and be out of the country in 2 hours.

The things I do now I will remember the rest of my life, you're only young once. What if I were to come down with terminal cancer tomorrow? Do you think I would be appreciative of the preventative maintenance on my car? I think there is one thing we can all agree on with money, you can't take it with you. If you are considering a month in Thailand but crunching the numbers just isn't working out, just fucking go. Do it. What is the worst that happens? You end up on your parents couch? You lose your job? Details. You can always join the military to begin your comeback story.

Broellernomics theory 3: The happiness equation H = S + C + V

No discussion of game theory or the tragedy of the commons here. Above is the happiness equation. Happiness equals biological set point (S) + Life Conditions (C) + Voluntary activities (V)

You can't control S and if you are reading this you're probably doing ok, so I posit that live is about the V.

I spend money and time on  a bunch of stupid stuff, but it's stuff that in the here and now make me feel better about myself. Visiting a friend in New York makes me happy, climbing a mountain excites me.

I don't need a fucking kitchen table. I've flown on a G5. I have family and friends that love me! There are a handful of people that read my garbage ramblings. And for that, I'm thankful.

So in summation, try not to measure yourself against your neighbor's kitchen table, job, wife, whatever. Don't worry about if you're living up to some abstract societal standard that you think should exist. If it is important to you to have a bunch of 0s in your savings account, do it! If bottles at Bungalow are more your thing, make it rain.

I have a spending versus earning problem...but I have a feeling it's not going away any time soon. Guess I'll just have to hit it big. Here's to hoping.