Friday, July 10, 2015

First Impressions of Earth


A couple months back a friend of mine invited me on a weekend getaway with some of his pals that I don't know.

I immediately said yes without doing any due diligence because I'm a yes man and research is for pussies. I forgot about the trip entirely until Monday morning when I was looped into the most batshit email chain of all time. The title of the email (Official Crew) Bear Jew Birthday Weekend.

To date there have been 41 responses since I was added. People are making inside jokes, crazy itineraries are being thrown around. I need to bring an animal costume for Friday night and Hawaiian gear for Saturday.

What the fuck have I gotten myself into? Are these guys furries? Wait, I need to bring a costume of my SPIRIT animal. Oh, like if I'm a tiger I should wear something with stripes. I get it. It also specifies that my spirit animal does not need to be an actual animal.

Someone just called dibs on Palm Trees.

Dammit, I really want to participate in this email chain.

Should I respond that I'm going to dress in all white because DRUGS lol.

No, what if one of their older brothers died of a cocaine overdose? That wouldn't be funny. Must proceed with caution.

Oh Jesus, someone just sent an email with like 30 gif files asking for a ride. Do these motherfuckers work at Buzzfeed?

I know what I'll do. I'll offer him a ride! Prove that the new guy has utility. Kevin's friend Dave, the guy we invited because we had one extra spot, came through in the clutch by providing transportation.

I'll just draft up a fun email and attach a picture...and send!

Oh GOD DAMMIT the picture didn't attach.

No one is responding.

I killed the chain.

This is going to be the worst weekend ever.

Wait a second.

I'm the man. I'm the one guy you can bring on weekends like this and turn them from pretty cool, to fucking epic. I can make drano bombs (and not blow off my fingers) I own a potato cannon. Oh shit, I'm going to bring CASES of Smirnoff Ice. I'm the fun guy. I can drink a lot, I will maybe smoke cigarettes. They are fortunate to have me.

I may be the new guy, but I am coming in HOT.

The following are some keys to making a solid first impression on a vacation at a party whatever. Follow this guide for a guaranteed good time and hopefully some longterm friends.

1. Do not fuck that chick.
You know that 99.999% of the girls there will have a boyfriend, potentially a boyfriend on the same trip, but there will be one single girl and every single guy will be trying to fuck her. The quickest way to lose this group is to have the guys turn on you. Quickest way to make an enemy? Bang the chick within 24 hours after this poor guy has been friend-zoned for the past 3 years. I know you want to, hell she wants to. You are fresh meat. RESIST THE URGE. If you absolutely have to get it in, make it secret. Don't put on a show in the hot tub after dinner, maybe go down to the dock at 3 in the morning, or in the rowboat at sunrise.

2. Bring some cool shit.
Sure, the invite said you could just show up with cash to chip in for the beer, but that's no fun. Set the tone with a few handles. Bring some toys for a drinking game. 'You drink out of the wiffle ball bat and then you use it to hit the can.' Supply the group with a big bag of molly and then when people ask what they owe 'it's on me.' Everyone loves the guy that brings drugs. You know who's even cooler than drug guy? Drugs on the house guy!

3. Say yes!
Let's suppose that you are going to a lake house and this lake house has a rope swing. Let's also suppose that your best friend broke his neck on a rope swing and you swore them off forever. What are you going to do if the group invites you rope swinging? Say no to honor your dead friend right?
NO YOU FUCKING PUSSY, you will swing off of that rope and you will like it. The same can be said with golf outings, cliff diving or doing acid. It doesn't matter if it's not your thing. You do it to fit in.

4. Help clean.
Cleaning is the worst and I usually leave it for the women, unless I'm the new guy. Bonding with the ladies is hard, but you know what makes it easier? When you casually let it slip that you are sick and tired of Kaitlyn being slut shamed. Formulate some opinions of the latest Broadway offerings and have knowledge of at least one season of Real Housewives. You'll leave their heads spinning. That Dave, he saw Wicked in London AND took out the garbage.

5. Cook something dope.
Everyone loves a Renaissance man, that means if you have some sort of culinary specialty BUST THAT SHIT OUT. Sure you are setting the bar ridiculously high, but on the off chance you never see this group again, you want them talking about you for years to come. What ever happened to Dave? His buffalo chicken dip was so fucking bomb, it restored my faith in organized religion.

6. Bring your A game.
Oh did that day drinking make you tired?  Maybe you should take a nap. That way when everyone returns to their home they will remember you napping. Dave? Oh was he the guy that was always asleep? You will not nap. You will crush up an adderall and keep going. First awake, last to bed. You want this MVP trophy, you NEED this MVP trophy.

7. Set expectations.
Let's face it, you're sleeping on the floor. When I go on trips with my friends people know their fucking role and I get the master (psych I sleep on the floor with them too) but as the new guy, prepare for the worst. I don't even think I'll get a couch this weekend, I see an old canoe in one of the photos, that's probably my best bet.

8. Boost people up.
If you see someone dying, offer to shotgun a beer with them, even if they do a terribly shitty job give them an intense high five and then assign them a nickname. HOLY SHIT GUYS SHOTGUN SAM IS COMING IN HOT!!! WATCH OUT FOR SS, LEADER IN THE CLUBHOUSE FOR TRIP MVP! We all know this is a crock of shit, but Sam will appreciate it, he will remember your kindness some day and help you in a moment of weakness.

9. Do not break anything.
You know what is a weird conversation?
"Hey man, that was really funny when you choke slammed Kevin through the table, but now we're being charged $2000 in damage, it's on my credit card, you can cover that right?"
That's an expensive laugh. If doing drunken wrestling moves, opt for the stone cold stunner. It is more self contained and you're less likely to take out an antique china set.

10. Have fun!
You're on fucking vacation bro! Who cares if you are the new guy? Be yourself and be awesome. Do not be a shy little bitch. Show up with a positive attitude and fun will be had by all! I am likely going to be the last of my group to show up this weekend, they will all be blacked out and best friends by the time I show up. This is not ideal. I could pout about this OR...

BE THE SHOT OF FUCKING ADRENALINE THAT THEY NEED. The second wave is here boys and he brought a bunch of Jager. What's Jager you ask? You know that green liquer that we used to drink with Red Bull in college? It got a douchey reputation and died out, but I'm fucking bringing it back. You know what else I'm bringing back? ICING! I am bringing so much Smirnoff Ice this weekend? What better way to endear yourself to a stranger than plant an Ice in their golf bag and then scream CHUG IT YOU FAGGOT!. God I am either going to be a huge hit this weekend or a spectacular failure. Regardless, I'm going big. Very big. I need to get some drugs, anyone know a dealer that delivers during daytime? I may have forgotten to pack this morning, but I have a penguin onesie in my trunk so I think I'll be ok!

I can't believe my fucking brother lands at 8am on Sunday, 5am is going to come very early. Maybe I'll just leave him there, he can wait right?

Man I hope no one on my trip reads this before the weekend, that would be super awkward.

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