Sure I cut it a little closer than I should have. Was it really necessary to drink in Venice all day and then go to the Palisades for one more? Was it ironic that I almost missed my flight because my obviously foreign uber driver was flagged at a DUI checkpoint?
None of this is relevant, because I'm here. Coming to you live from a mid-2000s Windows XP Dell in the lobby of my hostel.
Obviously these posts are going to be a bit shorter because I'm in Europe and I should be hitting on that red head down at the bar...but instead I'm writing to you while I wait for my hair to dry.
Oh ya, totally forgot that hostels don't do the whole towel thing. Or soap, or lock. In fact I'm pretty sure I accidentally used the women's restroom and the person that saw me? Sleeping above me. Basically I look like a wet rat that showered and then through on a pair of pink shorts and a polo without drying off.
God dammit, now the Welsh guy is talking to the cute red head. Things are not off to a good start. But I will rally, the Foster's on tap is only 4 Euro, and sure it's an Australian beer. In fact after the conversion it's probably not even a good deal, but they are going down easily and my confidence is growing.
Not sure how late I'll make it out tonight, because even though I drank Ethiopia's GDP in wine last night on my flight (and watched the three shittiest movies ever made) I could not sleep a wink.
The reason?
A screaming baby.
But not even a baby baby. Like a screaming 6 year old. The 6 year old was not pleased because her TV was cutting out every time she tried to watch the Fox Animation movie Home. I watched Home, it was fucking terrible. This baby is better off for having not watched it. But that did not stop her from screaming.
NO THEY WONT KICK US OFF THE PLANE.
They will.
IF THEY KICK US OFF THE PLANE WE WILL DIE.
We will not die.
MOM I DONT WANT TO DIE.
You're not going to die.
MAKE THE DVD WORK.
Silence.
GIVE ME ATTENTION SCREEEEEEEEEEEAM.
Parents, if you dare to bring your kids on an international vacation. (I don't know why you would, they will appreciate nothing and merely cut into your fuck time with your spouse) Please drug them.
Load them up with enough Benadryl to kill a horse.
It ensures that I will have a good time on my trip.
I know you may be thinking that drugging your child might negatively effect their long term health.
It's ok. If you have the type of child that screams for attention and legit thinks that being removed from a plane means getting catapulted from the cargo hold...that child probably doesn't deserve to live.
It's Darwanism.
In fact, maybe we should hold that threat over parents. If your baby cries, both of you will be shot out the emergency door. Travel at your own risk.
|God dammit that fucking Welsh kid is touching her thigh now. Doesn't that little Scottish Red Head know that Americans are inherently better than everyone.
I think I'll go tell her that. I better get another beer first. Maybe walk across the street and buy some deodorant or something. That would be a nice touch, it's really the least I can do.
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