Phase 2

There have been some significant setbacks.

I missed out on at least 2 jobs because of my inability to start immediately.

I am essentially broke which has led to the cancellation of phase 3 of FBMO.

Chicken Selects are gone from McDonald's again.

And someone stole my bike.

Yes my fucking bike that I love more than anything in the world was locked up outside a bar at 4pm in the afternoon on a Saturday for 30 minutes. 30 minutes so I could go for a leisurely swim to reduce some stress while I waited to hear back on a job I really wanted.

At 4:30 I got a call giving me bad news. At 4:35 I found my lock cut in half by some homeless dickhead. This is why I will always be a classist asshole crusading against the poor. Let them starve I say.

So I've lost my favorite possession and the driving force of my number one hobby. I remain unemployed, and barring a miracle, phase 3 (wisconsin) of Ferris Bueller's Month off is cancelled.

But none of that matters right now, because in 8 hours I'm getting on  a Frontier Airlines red-eye (You're flying with Frank the Ferret) to Chicago and as soon as I land, my troubles will melt away.

Yes...phase 2 of my month off is upon us. You may have forgotten, but there is a little wedding this weekend. More on that later.

I will be in Chicago for exactly 24 hours starting at 7am tomorrow. I want 3 things.

1. Portillo's
2. Drink vodka out of a water bottle while stumbling around Lincoln Park Zoo
3. Drink beer on a roof top (Looking at you Sylv)

If you can help me accomplish one or more of these three things, please reach out. I'm not planning on forcing a big Tuesday night as I have an early AF Megabus in the morning. But I will entertain any and all Trivia at State/Dinner/White Sox requests. Fuck it, maybe you have access to a boat. Sure there aren't fireworks on Tuesday nights, but I am all the entertainment you need.

Wednesday morning I will be in Indianapolis for exactly 24 hours starting at 9am. I want 3 things.

1. Lunch at the Moondog Tavern (OMG it's a Wednesday I could totally go to Champps)
2. Sit in my parents pool drinking something fruity
3. Ride the Monon, ha just kidding I'm not a cyclist anymore.

If you can help me accomplish one or more of these things, please reach out. I'm not planning on forcing a big Wednesday night as I have an early AF departure in the morning. But I will entertain any and all Retro Rewind/Dinner/Indianapolis Indians requests. Fuck it, maybe you have access to a boat. Sure there aren't ever Fireworks on Geist, but I am all the entertainment you need.

Thursday morning I will be in Bloomington for exactly 72 hours. I want 3 things.

WAIT A FUCKING SECOND?!?!?! I'm going to Bloomington for 3+ days? For a wedding? That I'm in?!? And basically everyone I know is invited?

What could possibly go wrong?

I think the best way to go about this column is to do a write up on what COULD happen and then follow up next week with a wrap up on what DID happen. It seems like the most entertaining way to go about it, right? At least it will give me a chance to stroke my ego and attempt to forget that there is some crackhead riding around a Trek 1500 somewhere near the beach.

SET UP
One of my best friends is getting married this weekend at my alma mater, Indiana University. I am in the wedding, but not the best man. This is really the optimal spot to be in for any wedding. I'm a big fucking deal at this wedding. My name will be in the program and shit. I will walk down the aisle with some hot chick that is probably wearing pink. People in the crowd will ask who the tall kid with the blonde hair is.

"That's Jake's old roommate Dave Moeller. He lives in Los Angeles, he's a writer."

I mean, come the fuck on. Coolest guy at the wedding based on that alone. It's entirely possible that I'm the most eligible bachelor at this wedding. I just got an email last week saying that the wedding party could bring a significant other...ha what SO? I have an entire sorority at my disposal, let alone the entire Bloomington campus which is at Welcome Week right now. I'm wearing a grey linen fucking suit. There will be no SO.

Aside from the name in the program and shit, I get VIP treatment all weekend. I get to ride on busses, go to special brunches and pictures and shit. I imagine there will be people just pushing champagne into my hand all week, yet I don't need to make a speech. All the perks, none of the stress. Not that I wouldn't be a good best man some day, it's just...well I can't be trusted to stay sober enough not to say 'fuck.'

That said, part of me thinks I should have made a video or something, "Hey Jake and Holly! Here is a tribute to the stuff we did in our early 20's, enjoy!"

Actually, thinking about that now, it's probably for the best that I didn't. I'm flying 2000 miles, that's more than most people will do. I'll get the newlyweds something cool and thoughtful and in exchange I'll probably get a flask engraved with my initials...maybe even get to have sex with a bridesmaid! Fair deal.

Thursday
All joking aside; the weekend sounds like it's going to be absolutely lovely. The fact that the young couple was able to plan a wedding from India is incredible. What is even more heart warming is that they have people flying in from all over the world to tiny Bloomington, IN. I assure everyone, the vacation days will be worth it. This weekend is going to be fucking epic.

Speaking of epic, Jake's brother is the best man. Jake's dad once woke me up at 6am to climb the steepest mountain in Aspen after I told him that I was about a 5 out of 10 on the slopes.

"TRIAL BY FIRE MOELLER."

Later that night when Aspen was shut down because a terrorist had literally rigged the city to blow
Jake advised we should ski down the mountain to avoid a road block and go to a bar that (we thought) was free of bombs.

I climbed the back bowls of Aspen Highlands. We ski'd down the other side of Snowmass and made it to a bar before midnight. I love this family, but hanging out with them is like being in a movie trailer for Point Break.

So is it any surprise that there were 100 people invited to this fucking Bachelor party?

I don't even know 100 people, let alone people who would drive/fly/train to Southern Indiana to hang out with me on a Thursday.

It's going to be absolute madness. Allegedly, there is a bus or two that is taking us to Paynetown (a marina) where we have reserved 4 double decker boats for the day. It's going to be glorious.

Need I remind you, the majority of these 100 people are Phi Psis, many of whom haven't seen each other in years. We all live in LA, Chicago, New York, London and for the first time in probably 5 years, we will all be together. On a boat. We all have/had extreme party addictions. There will also be probably 10 other boats out there of current undergrads.

I can't imagine how uncool we will look to a boat of Junior Taus who spent the summer doing push ups. They will probably deny our attempts to tie up.

But you see...our best man is a 2014 grad. He probably has contacts that are still in college. Hell, there might be a Phi Psi boat out there.

Basically what I'm saying is, we will unabashedly board the ship of some 20 year old Alpha Phis, and before some Fiji named 'Tom' can ask us to get off his boat, Paul will already have a rousing game of flip cup going and then 'Tom' will find out that Paul works I Banking in NY and will  instantly switch to networking mode.

"Wait, these former bros can get us jobs?"

Sure man, just pass Kamchatka.

I'm sure at one point I will tell a girl I can get her an internship at NBC, she'll probably even email me some day at which point I will send her the UTA job list and say good luck.

Or you know, maybe we won't be welcome to join all the meathead bros in party cove. After all, we are 100 dudes, zero chicks. Not exactly bringing along a favorable ratio. But we also will probably have more Fireball and drugs than them...so that's always a fail safe if we need to recruit chicks.

I'm sure a few guys will go too hard on boats and be done for the night, I'm also fairly confident at least one guy will take a tri delt to the oh so lovely, on boat bathroom.

After 5 hours on boats it's time for dinner, and time for our first report card.

Mid-Day report card (projected):
Casualties: 5
Undergrads bedded: 1

Thursday night we go to dinner somewhere but this is really just a precursor to Kilroy's. Kilroy's was the bar that we went to almost every night in college. For essentially $16 you could party there until you blacked out. I've been thrown out of there for countless infractions including but not limited to: being underage, passing out in the bathroom, fighting, bleeding on people, jumping behind the bar to serve myself drinks and of course, attempting to steal a wooden Indian.

A lot has changed since the spring of 2009, Kilroy's is no longer a hole in the wall dive, it is now a 2 story behemoth with a large outdoor patio. The bartenders i tipped 90% back in my hay day are long gone. The dance floor I dominated for years is now a new tiki bar. The juke box has had all Back Street Boys and N Sync replaced by Fetty Wap and MO. Honestly what the fuck is MO?

No matter. As long a they still sell bottles of Cook's for $12, we will dominate. I'm not sure if the Bachelorette party is also Thursday or what they could possibly be doing. If I were a chick having a Bachelorette party in Bloomington I would probably rent boats. But if my husband was already doing that I would probably get wrecked at a Sushi/Sake bomb place.

Hopefully that's what they're doing. I can't imagine she invited 100 girls to her Bachelorette party, but I can promise I will champagne shower the first female member of the wedding party that walks in the door to Kilroy's Thursday night. This will either lead to an extremely smooth pick-up, a slap in the face or most likely an ejection from Kilroy's...I'll add it to the list.

I don't even have a hotel yet. I should figure that out, or I could be like the good looking homeless guy in New York that just pulls away games. That's definitely a better story.

If I make it to midnight, I'll be amazed.

Final report card (Thursday)
Casualties: 2
Undergrads Bedded: 0
Bridesmaids Bedded: 1

Friday
Note, that a casualty on the final report card indicates you missed the first planned event of the day due to hangover.

The first planned event Friday is the rehearsal, which is at 4.

Someone will miss it. I don't know if they will be in jail, or just bedridden. Someone will fucking miss it. In fact, I think someone will be so wrecked after the bachelor party that they will drive home, unable to face the concept of two more nights of partying. It will happen. Trust me.

But I will not sleep all day Friday. No I will go to Runcible Spoon for breakfast. I will play the IU Golf Course in the afternoon. I will have myself a day. Do you know why? Because my life is falling apart in Los Angeles and I need constant distraction.

But at 4 o clock I will be dressed and looking somewhat presentable at the Hyatt Place Hotel. I may or may not pregame the fake ceremony. Let's be honest, I'll pregame it. If we do beer a hole for 18, I'll be nice and buzzed by 4, according to our schedule the busses won't arrive at Oliver Winery (The Rehearsal Dinner) until 6pm. I mean, I imagine there will be Fireball on the bus. I get to ride on the cool bus right? There is no chance of me having to go pee or something and then ending up on the Grandparent bus?

Whatever, I would still drink on the grandparent bus.

Once we get to Oliver, I imagine there will be a personal bottle of the Creekbend Cab. Even if this is the case, I may demand a private tour and tasting. I'll tell them I am a member at the esteemed Malibu Wines and am considering switching my membership.

The goal is to get drunk enough to give an unsolicited toast.

I'm kidding, the goal is to get drunk enough to convince a girl to jump in the Oliver Winery pond with me. Seriously, "Let's go swimming" is an effective and underused move. Experts only.

We get back to campus around 10pm at which point I imagine it will be STRONGLY advised that we all go to bed and not go out. Understandable, tomorrow is a big day.

Halftime report card (projected)
Casualties: 90%
Undergrads bedded: 0
Bridesmaids bedded: 0

But of course I won't heed that advice because college.

After going back to (someone's) room to pregame and maybe recreationally do some Adderall, I will set out on my real quest for the evening...

Find out what TF happened to Lauren Spierer.

I'm just kidding, I'll probably go to Sports and dance.

Sports, (also owned by Kilroys) was the preferred bar of Jews and black people when I was in college. Now everyone goes there because it is the size of a small village. Actually, more like mid sized village. There are no less than 10 bars, 3 dance floors and 2 stages (one with stripper poll) inside. Since most people won't go out Friday night, Friday will be a great night to lie.

And by lie I mean, I'm Dave, 22 just transferred from UCLA.

See the thing about Indiana University is an overwhelming majority of the students come from somewhere boring. I come from somewhere boring, I am also 28...however, based on my current hair cut and the fact that I went through puberty at 21, I can easily pass as a Redshirt Junior from Venice Beach. I plan on doing this Friday night.

According to the official Kilroy's website, Friday night's special includes $2 Corona's. Holy fuck, I might just walk around with a goddamn bucket. What is cooler than an unemployed 28 year old masquerading as a Junior walking around with a bucket of beer? I may tell a bartender it's my birthday and try to get a free shirt.

OMG definitely getting laid.

Whatever, WORST case scenario is some little bro walks up to me and says "aren't you David Moeller?"

"Oh shit man, you're a legend in the frat...we heard you were dead!"

Well, I'm not dead, but I would love to see the new house, mind if I crash on the couch tonight?

Final Report Card (Friday)
Casualties: 1
Undergrads bedded: 1
Bridesmaids bedded: 1

Saturday

Well I didn't see this coming. When I went to the hotel for breakfast this morning, I saw a bridesmaid doing the old walk of shame. Apparently she spent the night in Face Mansion. REW RAH REGA indeed!

I guess that counts as both an undergrad and a bridesmaid bedded? Cool!

Also it appears that one of my buddies got in a fight at Sports after I left and was arrested. He's not going to make the wedding as he cannot leave the county lock-up until he blows a .05 or below. Ohhh so many people are going to be pissed at him, thank God it wasn't me.

I knew I didn't need to buy the wedding suit, the chances of 1 of the 10 groomsman getting arrested was astronomical. I mean, I think it's cool that the wedding party is huge, but that's the risk you take. At my wedding, I will have one best man and like a couple dudes that don't really drink. ZERO CHANCE of upsetting my parents. Except the fact that I drink and am likely to black out at my own wedding.

Isn't that crazy though, 20 people in the wedding party, 100 people in the Bachelor party. Jake basically takes all the normal numbers in life and just multiplies them by 5. THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A FUCKING EPIC WEDDING WEEKEND. I bet there are a thousand people at this wedding today and it cost a billion dollars. I better make my thank you note one of the hand written variety.

According to my schedule, the girls get to go to the salon at 845am. I wish I could go to the salon with them. I want mimosas and breakfast whilst I receive a mani/pedi.

"I'm sure Jake will plan some sort of lunch for you guys."

HA!

I'm sure we will all be rotting in a hotel room ordering room service until 12:55 pm. Then we take pictures! I bet it's by the sample gates. That is DAGEROUSLY close to Kilroy's.

After pictures we have a couple hours to kill...this would be a great time to try to get someone out of jail. I successfully bailed my entire senior bar crawl team out of jail in 2009, but there may still be a warrant out for my arrest in Bloomington, so I let our fallen soldier decay in lock up while I get dressed. I will of course have forgotten some critical wardrobe item. Probably shoes, I'm likely going to watch Jake get married in a linen suit and New Balances. Sorry bro.

I imagine 5 of the remaining 9 Groomsman will be sweating bullets during the ceremony.

"It was so cute, you guys looked so nervous."

Yep. Totally nervous. Never stood up at a wedding before. Really making sure not to lock those knees, wouldn't want to pass out.

He kisses the bride. Yay! They're married! Yay! I hope he does the bottle smash thing because I really want to yell Mazel Tov.

The ceremony is scheduled to begin at 430 with a cocktail hour to begin at 5. That's what I'm fucking talking about. Catholics TAKE NOTE.

After the ceremony, we are transported to some unknown location for dinner, the 10th groomsman shows up fresh from jail in the same clothes he wore last night. He sticks around for one drink until an overwhelming feeling of shame causes him to leave. He has to stick around until Monday for court.

I wonder if we are going to make some choreographed entrance into the reception. These never go well. I went to a wedding a few years ago where they did this and I can't think of anything that could possibly look cool other than a classy entrance with a wave.

Remember I am at the top of 3 tiers at this wedding.

1. Essential
2. You belong, but wouldn't necessarily be missed...kinda like Jason Street (6) from Friday Night Lights.
3. Forced invite/Bubble Team

Usually I find myself in tier 2, today I am tier 1...but a stupid entrance could definitely lower my stock.

That said, if I am FORCED to come up with something clever, I will have the girl give me a stone cold stunner. I would probably suffer a bruised tailbone, but that would be awesome. I imagine it would go viral.

Ok, so we eat, we drink. The best man speaks, the maid of honor speaks, maybe there will be some parent speeches, I definitely will (probably) not speak. There will be dancing, I will probably be sweaty. I will employ some wedding classics like the double dutch, I'll dance with a grand parent. It will be lots of fun, that was a gorgeous wedding. The end. Brunch tomorrow will be nice but I bet a lot of people will choose to sleep through it/get a head start on the road.

Saturday Report Card
Casualties: 50%
Undergrads bedded: 0
Bridesmaids bedded: 0

10pm - send off and shuttles to Sports. Ideally the wedding party will take the same shuttle back together, but I know at this point everyone will be drunk. That said, just make sure you get on one of the busses and get to Sports. It's making a second stop at Hyatt Place if you need to pass out.

Wait a second, am I reading this right?

There is a reception to the reception...at Sports?

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE...WEDDING RECEPTION PART 2.

Because normal weddings may be content to have one party, but this is fucking EPIC WEDDING #ALWAYSBYMYSEID #SEIDMANIA LET'S GET FUCKING SEE YA'd!!!!!!

Ok some initial thoughts on Wedding Reception 2...WR2 or as I like to call it Percy Harvin. HEYOOOO (that's a fantasy football joke)

1. I would like to apologize in advance to Teles Properties. After writing this post and realizing how expensive this weekend is going to be (even with $2 Coronas) it is now a near certainty that my September rent check will bounce.

2. I haven't written down a goal in a very long time. My goal for the week is to survive until WR2.

3. I imagine most of the relationship people will call it a weekend after WR1, but there will be some singles upstairs at Sports at 2am Sunday morning doing everything in their absolute power to get it in. Last Chance cafe, holy fuck this should be a movie script.

4. I would like to change the status of my brunch RSVP from 'yes' to 'no.'

5. Then again, I could easily see myself going for a walk around campus from 3-6am, coming back to the hotel room and drinking more...THEN going to brunch on zero sleep. Please switch me back to maybe.

Ok, what will probably happen at WR2 is a group of guys (and maybe a couple female stragglers...and probably Jake's dad because he is a legend) will stand around in their suits/dresses looking fucking awesome and take shots until the reasonable hour of 1am. At that point everyone will call it a night.

But this is not the post on what 'probably will happen' it is what 'could' happen.

We get to Sports looking fresh as fuck in our suits. There is a line wrapped around the block. Instead of hopping in line like peasants we immediately proceed to the bouncer.

"May I help you?" He asks flatly ready to crush our dreams and send us to the back.

Yes, we have a table upstairs.

"What table upstairs."

All of them.

Oh God, did you just cum a little? Can you imagine how bad ass it would feel to deliver that line? Anyway, back to fantasy.

We walk upstairs where copious bottles of Grey Goose await us. Remember when I said this wedding must have cost a billion dollars? I misspoke, it must have cost 5 billion.

Curious undergrads peak their heads up the staircase wondering what could possibly be going on upstairs.

"Private Party." Says a bored bouncer.

What kind of ballers reserve the entire upstairs of Sports...during Welcome Week no less?

We party at our tables for a bit and then head downstairs with the Plebians, that's when I see him, Mark Cuban holding court at a corner booth.

We make eye contact and he beckons me over.

"Are you the guys that rented out the top floor? Is this like a wedding reception type thing?"

"We are and it is."

"That's bold my friend."

"Fortune favors the bold Mr. Cuban."

"Where's the groom? I want to buy him a shot."

***

"So you and your new bride live in India. You guys live in Venice. You live in New York and you're in London? But you guys all came back here for the wedding, where you were in the same fraternity?"

-Ya

-Yep

-Basically

"You guys are the shit! I want to party with you guy."

-Well Mark, it looks like we have 3 hours til close.

I wake up in the morning. It's 8:55a. There is a girl next to me, I don't know who she is.

There is a note on the table.

David- Thanks for the night out. Send Jake and Holly my best. Don't worry about the room, I covered it. Call me Monday for a job, I think we have something opening up on Shark Tank. That way you won't have to cancel phase 3 of FBMO.
-Mark

P.S. You told me about your little 'scorecard' you were keeping this weekend. Mark me a plus 1 in the undergrad column.

Final Scorecard (Saturday WR2)
Casualties: 99%
Undergrads bedded: 2
Bridesmaids bedded: 0

Ok, so it's an unlikely fantasy, but it COULD totally happen. I COULD make it to brunch.

Ha, just kidding, I know Mark Cuban probably won't offer me a job Saturday night. But I dunno, I probably won't run into Dennis Quaid cycling. Stranger shit has happened.

The Sunday scaries will be bad on Sunday. I will say goodbye to my friends Jake and Holly as they head back halfway around the world for the forseeable future. I will drop friends off at the airport knowing I may not see them for years. I'll sulk back to my parents house where the crushing reality of my future will hit me like a ton of bricks.

What am I doing? Every day the people around me are growing into responsible adults. My social media is inundated with wedding announcements, pregnancies, WE BOUGHT A HOUSE, yet I continue to just kind of skate by in a 3 bedroom/1 bath in a neighborhood where people steal bikes.

But what a blast that last week was. I love my friends so much, that was the most fun I've ever had in my life..and no one can take those memories away. I will cherish this past weekend the rest of my life. Thanks Jake and Holly, Seidman and Begle families, that truly was the most extraordinary wedding I have ever been blessed to be a part of.

And then I remember...it hasn't happened yet!

Oh my god, I just snapped out of this weird time warp, I got sad for a minute. This entire post has been bullshit. It's all been made up. I get to live it all over again, FOR REAL THIS TIME.

I get on a plane in...6 hours, and I cannot fucking wait.

(Note to anyone who may read this and be concerned about my behavior this weekend, I am 99.99% joking and will be nothing but a gentleman. This is a comedy blog written for shock value. Do not worry. I'll probably spend most of the weekend the same way I did in college, drunk in line at Jimmy John's after striking out with everyone)