The Los Angeles Flake Index

Welcome friends to the Los Angeles Flake Index aka the LAFI (not to be confused with my friend Lapi) a tool that can be used to decipher the likelihood of your scheduled plans falling apart due to unforeseen circumstances such as work, illness or more likely ‘general disinterest.’

As millennials we have rejected our once social behavior and now it is universally accepted that most of us would rather sit on the couch watching Netflix in pajamas whilst devouring an entire pepperoni pizza than hang out with essentially anyone. There are varying degrees of course, for example a Tinder date is much more likely to be cancelled than dinner with a visiting friend. You’ll bail on someone you’re trying to fuck much quicker than a family member that needs a tour.

Allow me to be your guide through the cesspool that is human interaction in Los Angeles, a never ending web of lies and disappointment.

Category 1: A first date.

Likelihood of cancellation: 80 percent

If you make plans with a stranger on a dating app the likelihood is that these plans will fall through. The reason for this is because when you are texting it up on a Thursday you can smell the weekend. The idea of going to a bar with a member of the opposite sex sounds exciting. The following Monday/Tuesday this seems like much more of a chore. Common excuses would be things like “I have to work late” or “I forgot I’m playing in this charity Softball game.” But what you’re really saying is, it just seems so much easier to go home and masturbate before watching the latest Netflix Documentary (or after if you are aroused by that sort of thing)

Also in this category would be ‘work drinks’ with a member of the opposite sex, because this is just a thinly veiled excuse for a date. Any time I met an assistant that I was even vaguely interested in I would trojan horse her into going out with me under the guise of talking shop. It worked like 12% of the time.

Category 2: Plans with a friend across town

Likelihood of cancellation: 60%

LA is incredibly tribal when it comes to neighborhoods. Sometimes I will make plans with a friend that lives in Santa Monica, a mere mile away from me but when it comes time to make the trek I render it an insurmountable journey and make up an elaborate excuse to free me from the burden. If that person lives east of the 405 or even God forbid east of La Cienega? That trip becomes virtually impossible. This is why good friends that live in Los Angeles can go years without seeing each other. I don’t think I’ve seen my friend Eric since Christmas, but he’ll still probably be in my wedding party! That’s just the way this town rolls. The one redeeming factor about this type of event that keeps the cancellation rate under 100% is that both parties understand the magnitude of this event and will plan well in advance for something bigger than just a standard ‘dinner.’ Think a concert or something similar. Matt and Kim got me to Hollywood last week for the first time in 2018.

Category 3: Plans with a friend in the neighborhood

Likelihood of cancellation: 40%

This is a bit of a double-edged sword because making plans with someone that lives down the street can feel trivial. Sure, it’s convenient. You could potentially just walk and meet them at a local bar, but this also lowers the stakes considerably. If you don’t feel like going, hell, you’ll see them in a few days, maybe even tomorrow. What is most likely in this scenario however is the ever crafty pivot. A last minute change of plans to a more amenable location. Like instead of meeting for dinner, you text your friend that you don’t feel like changing out of your pajamas but you just ordered a 12 pack for Drizzly and 30 dollars of Chinese take-out and there is 5 episodes of The Terror on your DVR. Now that’s a night that anyone can get behind.

Category 4: A visitor from out of town

Likelihood of cancellation: 10-35%

4A: A platonic friend of the opposite sex – 35%

I will often try to accommodate any and all visitors that come to LA for a couple reasons…

Reason 1: People from my past understand how fucking cool I used to be.

Reason 2: I want everyone that visits to return home with positive reviews about me.  However, I am more likely to cancel on a female friend that a male because if they are visiting with a boyfriend or staying with other friends I feel less of an obligation to show them a good time. Also it is much less likely they are sleeping on my couch.

4B: A homie – 20%

I mean they are probably staying on my couch, but if they aren’t and they are in a fancy hotel downtown or something and want me to come out on a Tuesday (I’m looking at you Jake) I just can’t get up for that. A lot of New Yorkers have a really hard time understanding that LA is DEAD Monday-Wednesday. Any time someone asks me what the popping bar is on Tuesday I want to respond THE XANNY BAR that I take at 8pm so I can go to sleep. I apologize for disappointing but LA doesn’t have a strong social culture on school nights.

4C: An old fling – 15%

I don’t want to go to far into Always Sunny territory here, but if an old fling hits you up when she’s in town it is implied that shit is about to go down, with minimal effort too. While going on a date may sound difficult, it is relatively painless to invite your ex-girlfriend over for two bottles of wine and some no strings sex. Still…depending on how hard I raged the weekend before, I might turn down the offer for sole possession of my bed.

4D: A family member – 10%

This is obviously a terrible look, but like it’s your mom…if you REALLY have to get out of it, she’ll probably understand.

Category 5: A girl you are dating 

Likelihood of cancellation: 5%

Of course you WANT to flake on your girlfriend all the time, but she also has a good indicator for your bullshit. If you blow her off once, maybe you can survive it. But once that thing becomes a habit? It’s the beginning of the end. Spin zone: If your girlfriend dumps you for being a flake, you will have substantially more time to disappoint everyone else in your life. God LA is the worst, we should all just learn to say no to plans because we would rather be watching cat videos on Instagram than doing literally anything else.