Thank God Friday is here. Like seriously, one more outlook notification or request from a coworker to buy magazines from their Elementary school child spontaneous combustion will cease to be an urban legend. Today I gained inspiration from Charlie Sheen, who is a lot like me except 20 years older, cooler, richer and more famous. So I'm absolutely nothing like Charlie Sheen, but I bet if I wanted to pull a General Shermanesque March to the Sea tonight and march from Wicker Park eastward burning every neighborhood Chicago bar to the ground until we ended up at North Avenue beach he would have a two word response when invited. Fuck. and yes.
Sidenote, that would be an extremely patriotic barcrawl idea.
Side Sidenote, I'm still confused as to whether being a yank is a good thing or a bad thing...roll tide.
Side Side Sidenote, why isn't every bar in Chicago open until 5 on both Friday and Saturday nights. Were city officials high on glue when they decided that Saturday deserved a bonus hour? Also when you are as popular as me pregames tend to go a little long so I will never make it to many of Chicago's coolest bars because I am still in a Lincoln Park condo ripping Jim Beam shots at 1am when most of the "going out" crowd is about to head in. Obviously the river north Alderman (wtf is an alderman) didn't go to IU.
Speaking of Charlie Sheen...I wonder what different generations think of young Chaz. I'm assuming people my age think he is somewhat of a hero because he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, hooks up with hot chicks and has made a handful of good movies. I bet I would even like that show if it wasn't for that fucking kid. Yes I'm jealous of that kid. He makes $300,000 an episode. Not even the douchiest I-bankers I know will make that in the next 2 years. On the thought of jealousy I bet that's why the rest of America hates Charlie Sheen. They are jealous that he was born into a famous family, has unlimited money and treats his body like shit. In reality these people are projecting their insecurities onto Charlie. It's not his fault you grew up poor and your dad died of alcoholism, his liver must have been a pussy. What type of life would you have him live? 10% to the church? He already gives 10% to an agent, who probably possesses his soul. Any guy that gets arrested for beating his wife and then gets sentenced to teaching acting classes in Aspen, deserves a fist pound from everyone in the room. I'm not saying that beating women is cool, but a nice fuck you to the American legal system every once in a while is applause worthy.
But whatever, as I sit in the dreaded traffic on I94 tonight, assigning a personal story to every person in every car that passes me by (I'm still a little distraught about blue Ford Taurus woman this morning who lost her pet gerbil in a tragic vaccum cleaner incident last night) I will think of situations in which I will conjur the phrase "What would Charlie Do?" I might make t-shirts, I might make wristbands. But first, I will pull over in a ghetto ass cigar shop run by a half Jew half Indian in Skokie (seriously you aren't allowed to live there if you aren't 1 of the 2) and grab a Can of Joose for the remainder of the drive home, because if I get caught it will provide me a vacation from my job and lots of National attention. Oh, whats that? I'll just be jailed, lose my job and have to fellatiate a plastic tube to start my car for the next 8 years? Eh, worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment