If you aren't following the Women's World Cup you are an idiot for a multitude of reasons. One being that gamecasting sports at work is one of the most effective ways of zoning out. Two being that the U.S. is awesome and attractive. Third, despite what you may think about women's sports, it's extremely entertaining and we are really good.
Now I know what you're thinking. In high school the majority of the soccer team was above average looking but not by any means a ten. You were probably guilted into going to a couple of their games even and they were pretty meh. (Note: none of this applies to the Cathedral girls team, they were all better looking and more athletic than me, but then again Cathedral is the definition of domination) Most of you probably don't even like soccer. It's slow, everyone is a pussy, low scoring...not a recipe for success, but when you have badass heroes like Hope Solo (who sounds like she could be the title character in a Star Wars porn parody, she's definitely hot enough to pull this off) and Abby Wambach literally solving the world's problems one diving header at a time; things become more interesting.
Solving the world's problems through a secondary female sport? Allow me to expand on my metaphor and draw the comparisons between the US women's team and American foreign policy.
Game 1: North Korea or Korea DPR whatever the fuck that means...needless to say they are the bad Koreans. In a classic America vs. the communists tale, the first half of the game/war was pretty much a stalemate. I would compare this to the 1950's and 1960's a lot of people on both sides died, no one really established dominance. Side note: Everyone always gets really sad about the Vietnam War and talks about how it was some miserable failure. Now maybe this is just the video gamer inside of me thinking in terms of Halo slayer mode, but is it not considered a win if you kill more of them than they kill of you. I understand there is an overarching political agenda in most wars, but I still go by rule of blood to determine the victor. Using this same logic we are kicking the shit out of the middle east right now...I digress. The second half, communism's paper thin logic folded like a wet towel. The U.S. scored 2 goals and trotted easily to victory. In typical "lie to your people" fashion which I believe is one of the pillars of communism, the North Korean coach blamed the loss of multiple players being struck by lightning. Ya, and when I piss the bed after a heavy night of drinking it's because my bladder has a physiological reaction to clean sheets.
US: 1 World: 0
Game 2: Colombia. This game was just a blood bath from the start. This was a clear case of America's imperialistic tendencies. While we have started to shy away from literally invading countries and forcefully annexing them to our borders, we have realized an easier solution. Take what you want from a country and kick them to the curb. We went down to Colombia and took their Coffee, their drugs and Sofia Vergara's tits. 3 National gems from them, 3 goals for us. Now we will just have to wait around to see the violent fallout from the event so ESPN can tie in a new drug lord and make a documentary about it.
US: 2 World: 0
Game 3: Sweden. Experts will forever disagree about what really happened in this match. Some say we intentionally tanked to get the preferable match-up with Brazil. Some might say our Swedish coach is a double agent working for her native Nordic country. Whatever the case, we got down early in this game and mounted a decent comeback but to no avail. If you want my personal opinion on why this happened...Lisbeth Salander and Eric Northman (both Swedish) paid the American team a visit before the game. Eric (played by Alexander Skarsgard) merely showed his fangs, while Lisbeth (Noomi Rapace) simply showed a ribbed anal dildo, and the Americans knew what to do. Gotta hand it to those Sweeds for their skillful intimidation tactics.
US: 2 World: 1
Game 4: Brazil. This game focused on revenge, as the U.S. is a nation that secretly holds grudges. When those cunts in Rio took the Olympics from Chicago thus embarassing the world's only remaining superpower, they probably assumed America would take it's ball and go home. Alas, after a failed assassination attempt on Marta by undercover assassin Rachel Buehler, things did look bleak as Buehler was sent off and the US was forced to continue the match a player down. Things were further put into jeopardy when my future wife Hope Solo, stopped a Marta PK, but then the Aussie ref awarded her a re-kick further proving that Australia's role in the modern world is irrelevant. Whatever, fuck that, we're Americans, we're resilient. To extra time we go, fuck, shitty goal allowed...we're in deep shit. 122nd minute it's pretty much over, WAIT A SECOND YOU MOTHERFUCKERS JUST GOT WAMBACH'D. Tied up, PK's. Going up against the U.S. in PK's is like going against Vin Diesel in a street race. Enjoy your Olympics, your 3rd world infrastructure and enjoy your fucking World Cup too. But before that, go get a fucking first name and a surname "Marta" and avoid assassination the next 4 years for blowing it in the most epic fashion in the history of the world cup. BOOOM. Roasted.
US: 3 World: 1
Game 5: France. God Dammit France. Isn't that how everyone feels. I know we are technically allies, but I think everyone can agree as a government, and military France is just the worst. Every since they lent us a couple warships during the American Revolution they act like we are indebted to them, thus we have been bailing them out for 200+ years. So like your annoying pussy friend that never wants to go into battle with you or do anything risky, there has been a slight bit of resentment building throughout the years. Now I like the Riviera, and I'm kind of glad that the Nazi soldier responsible for detonating the bombs in Notre Dame during World War 2 decided not to, and Nic Sarkozy kinda looks like a bro...that said, the U.S. Women's team did what everyone wants to do once in a while to that annoying friend, kicked the shit out of them and let them know who is boss. Listen France, you are on the right side of democracy, but you're a little bitch. When I tell you to kill Arabs, you fucking shoot the shit out of them, if we want war money you ask would we like that in Euros or Francs. Now here is a 3-1 victory (complete with some Wambaching and that hot little 22 year old number who is my 2nd choice for US soccer wife,) go get me some fucking Freedom fries and remember who your daddy is.
US: 4 World: 1
Now we're in the finals bitches, and I have zero doubt we will win. That voodoo magic the Sweeds used in Group play surely wouldn't work twice because after reading my blog, Hope Solo will realize that wooden bullets kill vampires and that David Fincher is making a way more badass American version of Lisbeth (isn't that just the American way) and our Swedish coach that resembles Pete Carroll already gave away all of our secrets. Defeating them would be like Seal team 6 encountering a bunch of vikings. Your axe is cool bro, but I can make your head explode from 1000 feet.
Or there are the Japs. They have had a sneaky run through this tournament, very in tune with their culture (see December 7, 1941) but if we were able to learn anything from our one defeat in this tournament, it is the act of intimidation. If we are forced to go against Japan in the final we should fashion our uniforms to look like atomic bombs and hand out "VJ" t shirts and dolls with deformities to all the American fans...it's harsh, but when you are American you will go to any means to secure the victory and/or world domination. Go USA!
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