They use all this crazy jargon, like "collective" "donate" "patient" "treatment." They either take this whole legalized marijuana thing super serious, or they just make sure they word things to keep themselves out of trouble. Let me give you a quick guide to the legal pot thing in Cali.
Collective- is more or less the pot shop. You have to show ID and a scrip from a doctor to gain admittance to the weed room where you...
Donate- for some strange reason they don't use the word "buy" it's like you donate money to the pot shop and they give you weed or something...but hey, I've heard the weed becomes tax free.
Doctor- technically this guy has an MD but he probably got it from the University of America in Grand Cayman. This is the guy that fucked around in college but was able to get into a one year master's program to get his grades up a little bit and finally leave the country but practice medicine on some sort of technicality. This guy takes your blood pressure, talks to you for 5 minutes and then gives you a medical marijuana prescription. $300 STRAIGHT CASH HOMIE.
Patient- You are not a guy smoking drugs, you are a patient using medication.
Edible- This is like a brownie or some pot infused thing that you eat and get high.
Ok so you can figure it out from there. I want to reiterate, I am not a "patient under treatment protected by California proposition 148" or however the fuck they self-identify. I don't even like weed. But I want to share this story with everyone because it is fascinating and it is all a huge joke.
So, I'm sitting there in the waiting room leafing through a magazine as a motley crew of herbal enthusiasts (that's alliteration mothafuckas...well maybe not...it's close) went past a security checkpoint and were buzzed into the cave of wonders. It's an eclectic mix of bros, beach bums, hipsters, more or less what you would expect. However, what is far more interesting than the people, is the operation itself. I was leafing through the magazine and the words "Happy Hour" caught my eye. I was thinking, "No way, a pot friendly bar?" Oh no, happy hour is 2 for 1 grams Sunday 3-5. You have to be fucking kidding me. I thought Steak n Shake's half price milkshakes from 2-4am was an interesting gimick, but someone figured out how to capitalize on this with drugs.
But that was just the tip of the iceberg...First time customer bonus...6 gram eighth. (I'm told that is irregularly large) They even have fucking 2 dollar Tuesdays. Pick up an edible of your choice at regular price and get the 2nd for $2! Let me give you a brief list of things they have put pot in for those of you who haven't been to Amsterdam: brownies, cupcakes, tea bags, popcorn, rice crispie treats, GOLDFISH (ya mom won't say you can have them every day now) It's ludicrous.
Side note: There is an entire generation this will never know the proper spelling of ludicrous because of fucking Dj Cris Lubba Lubba from Atlanta Georgia. I find this interesting. The fall-out from rapper Fabolous is not expected to be as severe.
Customer loyalty programs? Ohhhh youuu betcha! (Anyone see Game Change? It's pretty good) I initially thought customer loyalty would be shit because of such a generous offering for new customers. Some collectives were offering 2 free joints and 2 free edibles in addition to the 6 gram eighth. But these customer loyalty programs were paying better rewards than airline credit cards in the 90's.
Sample- This is from a collective in North Hollywood.
2nd Visit- Choice 2 free joints, grinder or tshirt.
3rd Visit- Choice 2 free joints, free gram, free bowl
4th visit- Free eighth or vaporizer
Like really? I didn't read the fine print, there may be a minimum purchase amount or the quality of giveaways could be shit, but that sounds like a super generous rewards program. I put myself into extreme debt with my Chase credit card every year and when I tell them to pony up with the rewards I get like $80 cash. I should just get my weed card and start reselling their drugs and then start pawning off the rewards items on Craigslist.
I also find it interesting to imagine if this whole idea of "customer service" could be applied to every industry, even illegal ones. I've heard the staff in this industry is across the board awesome, they are probably just pumped that they are doing what makes them happy, slanging weed for a living under the protection of some broken ass law. Could the same work if you decriminalized heroin?
Heroin salesman: How can I help you man?
Legalized Junkie: I'm looking for a fix, what do you recommend?
HS: Well the flatline OG will knock you unconscious but the black tar dream will have you tweaking for a full 15 minutes.
LJ: You know I'm really just looking to take a nap and dream about spheres, flatline it is.
HS: May I offer a suggestion sir? If you wait 9 minutes, it will be happy hour and we can double your order for free and throw in 2 free needles!
Furthermore, what interests me is that the proponents of this legalized marijuana thing appear to be dead serious about the legitimacy of it. I don't know if they brainwashed themselves into thinking that this is some all important industry and they don't want a bunch of potheads ruining it for them because they are "patients under treatment from a legitimate doctor." I have heard that you are ostracized from the medical community if you get your scripp from one of the shady docs on the Venice boardwalk. I just want to shake these people and be like "what the fuck is wrong with you, you are getting away with cheating the system just acknowledge it and enjoy it" but hipsters have to have a stupid opinion about everything.
It leads back to a fundamental question I have been wondering about for quite some time. Are we living in a time that different from the 1960's? Our music is dominated by festivals that are attended by thousands of reckless youth getting high on marijuana and other such drugs. The Beatles are really popular, there is a first in office (Catholic/African-American) and we as a generation are struggling to find what will ultimately define us.
I had the idea to write this post after listening the The Beatles song "Help" I had never really listened to the lyrics before and wrote it off as a poppy tune from the Beatles early career. I did a little research on it and the story behind the song is that John was getting fat, was so fucked up on drugs that he had no idea what he was doing with his life and the pressure of fame was really weighing heavily on him. I think it is a fitting song for a generation in flux though. Some people figure out their calling sooner than others, some spend a lot of time in flux. There needs to be a name for that post college hangover before you really commit to being a contributing member of society. I'm still in that rut, I rage, have no long term goals or aspirations, live in the moment but manage to hold on to a corporate job which I excel at. It takes a long time to find out what is going to ultimately make you happy, but until then we exist with our head in the clouds with dreams beyond our means until someone or something helps us get our feet back on the ground.
Some people my age have it figured out by now, some may never figure it out. Some people will go work at marijuana collectives until the DEA puts them out of business (or the government wises up, makes it legal and taxes the FUCK out of it /Still fiscally conservative) Everyone goes through a quarterlife crisis, just remember to make it out some day.
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