Risky Business

Looks like a young Julie Cooper-Nichol. I'd hit it.

Coachella has started, and I am not there. It's raining in LA and I have the house to myself this weekend. I think most people would look at this as an amazing opportunity to relax and have free reign of the castle all weekend. Nope, not me. I just think it sounds fucking miserable. To make things worse my receiver is fucked, thus my 346 inch projector tv is out of play and to make matters worse, in between meetings today while I'm sitting at coffee shops I'm going to have to watch informational videos on how to tie a tie. Isn't it just pathetic? How could I not know how to tie a tie you ask? I was after all a business major. I did interview 100 times through Kelley Senior year, companies flew me out to interview, those required suits and a tie. Simple really, one day I had my dad tie 10 and then I never took the knot out for like 5 years. Sure there have been jams, but there was usually a normal male around to do it for me. This is just further proof that I am secretly 10 years old...between this and eating dino shaped chicken nuggets for dinner I'm realizing that my Peter Pan complex goes much deeper than the whole partying thing.

But why must I wear a tie? I haven't even tucked a shirt in since I moved to Los Angeles. Shorts and flip slops or get out. Tonight I am going to a charity thing. For those of you not in the know, these charity things are a way to raise money for a worthy cause but also reward people by having an open bar, getting dressed up and raging. It's kind of like a frat wine and cheese party except I believe it is generally frowned upon to bang a girl in the house mom's office at the Beverly Hilton.

And while I have that to look forward to, part of me, well all of me is going through some extremely intense fomo this weekend. As you all know Coachella is going on this weekend. And like most of you (or maybe not, maybe I'm the only one that does this) I never plan ahead for things like this or purchase a ticket or airfare in advance. See I live very much in the present and I am only excited by things that carry immediate gratification. Sure, I could have bought a ticket back in September like everyone else, but it's so hard to fork over $400 for something that is going to be awesome 6 months from now, when instead you can spend that $400 on an impromptu trip to Vegas. Now this burns me sometimes, but usually not. I am usually able to sneak into Lolla or pay off a security guard and it generally works out. It is not working out this weekend. I did something I NEVER do, actually I always do stupid spontaneous stuff like this. I was in a bad mood last week and I booked a cross country flight to make myself feel better. That shit is invigorating. So now I'm going to Little 5 in like 5 days, but it just isn't enough. Fun will be had between now and then by people other than me, and that shit is unacceptable.

So I have some decisions to make. With most of my "fun budget" dedicated to Little 5, I am in a precarious spot in regards to Coachella which after ticket, gas, lodging, booze, "other" will run close to a g. I can strip it down to bare bones, drink nothing but plastic handle vodka, low ball craigslist people and probably get the collective trip down to $500. But still, I am in no way financially liquid enough to make a decision like that, but...what's living life without spitballing a few scenarios in which it could work. These are a few things I thought up in the shower today.

1.) What if I just paid my rent late? Living in LA is extremely expensive, working for a start up is not financially rewarding. Each month I have my fun check and my living check. What if this month I just used my fun check for Little 5 and my living check (that has to pay rent, bills, etc.) for Coachella. Sure it means I won't be able to pay rent until the 4th (the next pay day) but fuck. They joke about this on sitcoms all the time. And ya, sit coms are a work of fiction, but I'm sure it's based in some truth. I doubt I will get evicted for paying rent 4 days late. I hear all the time about people being 3 months behind, water getting shut off...rarely do you hear landlords bitching about 96 hours. Blame it on the postal service (I think "checks in the mail" buys you at least a week)

2.) What if I went to Chase and got a credit card? "Yes I would like a $1000 limit and I want the account shut down on Monday." What? Why would you want to do that? "I want to blow a thousand dollars with much frivolity and pay for my decisions slowly over the next 6 months." I still don't understand. "I'm going to Coachella and I'm fucking broke, can I have it or not?"

Sure this is a really bad idea too...but no worse than people taking out additional student loans for Spring Break right? I mean I won't remember this music, and I'm not really that big of a fan of anyone playing, but what if I miss the chance to get drunk and do hallucinogens in a muddy field with strangers? That's a memory money can't buy.

3.) Take a loan out against my car. I honestly heard a radio ad about this today. If you own your car (heyooo I have an asset) you can take a loan out against it. It's like taking out a reverse mortgage on your home. You can't sell it, and technically you don't own it anymore, but they will front you some dough and hold your title as collateral. Unfortunately, I'm thinking an auto title loan takes more than an hour to acquire...scratch that.

4.) A bail out. What this presupposes is, is that I keep spending until I have nothing and then ask for help. The American auto industry got to do it and they make shitty cars. At least I'm not lying, I live above my means, and I'm sorry I won't do it again. Unfortunately, I think what this is called in legal speak is filing for personal bankruptcy and while it doesn't seem to have that much of a negative effect on one's life, I've been bashing poor people and democrats my whole life, so out of principal I will never execute this option no matter how dire my straights become. That said, the old mom and dad savings and loan is always open for business...and let me tell ya business is good.

5.) I could just not go. As it stands now, even if i acquired a ticket for $150, I would end up camping by myself and sleeping in my car. It wouldn't be that bad, I would wander around and eventually tell a cool group my story and I'm sure they would let me hang out with them at the camp site. They may even let me have one of their women, that said the Chevy Cobalt is not conducive to shacking and that might be a violation of the terms and conditions of my auto title loan (That's a call back! Very effective tool in comedy) Every day I would have to drunkenly wander around looking for my friends, and then when I did find them after the concert was over they would go after party in their hotel and I would go after party with some Burnetts and a pack of Swisher Sweets I found on the ground. What I'm saying is I'm starting to think this whole Coachella thing isn't worth the effort. I've done the EDM thing, I'm sure I'll make it back for Lolla this year. I think my time and effort will be much better spent planning my bender of a little 5, eating all my roommates' food and finding an escort with which I plan on copulating   in every room in the house. And oh ya, I'm gonna get fucking retarded at that benefit tonight, I just hope it isn't for Downs.