That intro has nothing to do with the rest of the post, I just like to keep you guys cued in on my creative process from time to time...I hope it makes you view me as a more sympathetic character...some substance to add to the multitude of negative qualities that make me a raging asshole. Probably ineffective, but whatever.
I'd like to begin today with an anecdote. For those of you who don't follow my excellent twitter feed (look to the right click that link and add me) Saturday I went on a float trip with some friends. I had been on several float trips before, but it had been a few years. I don't know why I don't look to make this a monthly tradition. It's king of like skydiving where you do it and have an amazing time but then you kind of forget how fucking rad it is. But unlike skydiving, float trips cost like 10 bucks, you get hammered and celebrate the pillars of which America is built. If you are unfamiliar let me break down for you exactly what a float trip entails. You drive, party bus, cab it to the middle of fucking nowhere. With you, you bring enough booze to kill a medium sized horse, some rope to tie tubes together and a ridiculous costume (optional.) Upon arriving at the setting of Deliverance you give some 14 year old with tribal tats 10 bucks, they give you a tube and you hop on a bus that takes you to the beginning of a river. You spend the next 5 hours floating at a medium pace drinking in excess.
Some of the more experienced locals will know all the right places to cliff dive, how to hit the rapids that you incur, but the most impressive is what toys they bring. Floating coolers, sling shots, and waterproof sound systems are just a few of the more brag-worthy innovations. The whole river Saturday had a bumping 90's soundtrack, in fact, most of the floatable rivers you will find are in such an off the beaten path type area that they don't have current music. I floated next to a few meatheads that played the entire Cash Money Records collection prior to the Lil Wayne Juvenile feud (the Back Dat Azz Up/I Need a Hot Girl/Get Your Roll On era) Most of the people I encountered were full on freak shows...and I don't know if it's because of the heat (you have to drive a bit east of LA to encounter this) or if it is just a crazy sub-culture of piercings and tattoos and meth, because these people were fucked up, but I must say the people watching was excellent. But I must say, I do really respect the "I don't give a fuck attitude, I am going to float, drink, smoke cigs and be fat." Oh yes, there was obesity...I thought Indiana was bad, but I really felt bad for the tubes...there must be a high inner tube mortality rate on that specific river.
But again, these people were happy...they were right where they wanted to be. I often toe a very fine line between all out sociopath and productive member of society. I want you all to perceive me as a little crazy, but extremely witty and interesting. I go to the gym even though I don't particularly like it because society demands that in order to be physically appealing I need to look a certain way. And look at me judging, I just ripped off two paragraphs ridiculing these strange river people. It was akin to going to the Indy 500 and being like "look at all these rednecks, they're ridiculous," while I'm wearing homemade jean shorts to be ironic. Yet they perceive you as a stuck-up white kid spoiling their party, they just look at you as someone else trying to have some fun.
What I'm getting at is I spend so much effort just trying to fit in, we all do. Yet the most care-free individuals couldn't care less how anyone views them. Sure I don't get the gauged ear thing, or the tribal tats (I can definitely fuck with their selection of late 90's hip hop though) but who cares, they probably don't get my obsession with the upper east side, north shore Chicago, brunettes with blue eyes or articles on Total Frat Move. I always talk all this shit about "going for it" or "seize the fucking day, you are young and awesome" (I will never say YOLO on this blog...but I did see several yolo tats on Saturday) but I really live a semi-conservative existence. I don't go for shit, I live in a comfortable apartment in Venice and write half-assed screenplays that I never send to anyone for fear of rejection.
A perfect metaphor for how I actually live my life is how I golfed last weekend. I am a notoriously bad golfer, but I am capable of hitting great shots. I usually don't particularly care how I play as long as I can drink beer and not look retarded. My friends and I recently started the AWOL (always west of Lincoln aka the PCH) Cup. Each Sunday we play, the winner gets the AWOL Cup for the week and gets to choose where we have team dinner afterward. Since I am actually trying to win I golf like a massive menstruating vagina. I tee off with a 5 iron because even though I know it won't go 300 yards, it will probably go like 200 and straightish. I didn't pull out my driver once...because I am a huge pussy. I ended up shooting a 46 on 9, which is really bad...but it's on track to break 100 on 18 and it's probably about average for a non-golfer. But I didn't win because the guy who won was launching Woodsy drives onto the green while I was playing small ball like a bitch. Then again the guy who got last was also launching 300 yard drives but they also managed to go 200 yards out of play.
Going conservative will always get you to the finish line, likely in the middle of the pack, but it really doesn't put you in a position to win ever. I live in LA and work a 9-5...when put in perspective I may have a more interesting life than you if you are living in your parents' house still and you're working for your dad. That's fairly conservative too. It makes fiscal sense, you're probably prime for an early promotion due to nepotism, but it's also fucking weak.
Do you think those fat fucks floating down the river bumping Drama's "Left, Right, Left" lay up in golf? No they fucking Tin Cup that shit, and a lot of those shots will go in the water, and that's probably why California has such a high population of homeless people. But I think I would rather be homeless after bombing a driver so hard that it would give an 80 year old man an erection (btw unrelated note, according to Glowfest playboy model Sydney Hef still has NO problem sporting wood) even if it ends up 3 fairways to the left. One of my constant self-improvement goals is to be less of a pussy, it's very difficult. It's easier to talk to your friends at a bar, it's easier to work for a company than to try to forge your own path. It's comfortable and we are all conditioned to enjoy that safety net. But this country wasn't built on playing it safe. You hear the stories all the time about someone selling all their shit and buying a bus ticket to Hollywood...and sure my story won't be as romanticized as that, but maybe "Brometheus" turns into a Funny or Die video, maybe I get an MTV hosting gig off the success of the Glowfest TV show, or maybe I park my tee shot firmly in the bunker of failure and I have to drive my mom's shitty Cobalt back to Indianapolis and life in the basement with my brother...but aren't all those options better than a lifetime of playing it safe? I sure fucking think so...I'm going to get a tribal tat, what's the Chinese symbol for YOLO. (Whatever...)
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