50 Shades of Black

Neither Christian Grey nor John Black would have sex with her.

I read a lot. Whether it be strange Wikipedia entries, fiction, or non-fiction books I usually do it so I have a reason to bring it up in casual conversation. I think it makes me interesting. Like oh my god he blacks out all the time he's such a degenerate bro...but he has read all of Ayn Rand? And just shared with me the meaning behind an India Pale Ale beer...and he watched the fucking tony's?

Ya...I'm multi-faceted bitch. But as much as I would love to say that I just finished Malcolm Gladwell's latest, I tend to be a whore for the bestsellers. Usually best sellers are good and that's why they're popular, and even if they are dogshit, it will at some point be a talking point. "How are they going to adapt The Art of Racing in the Rain into a movie? Will it be told through the vantage point of Michael J Fox ala Homeward Bound?" And while most of the best seller list is nothing short of stellar, once in a while there will be something miserable thrown in.

One such heinous read was this book I read last year on a 8 hour flight called A Reliable Wife. The whole book is basically about a rich dude who takes out a Craigslist Ad for some chick to fuck and keep him company, only it's in 1890's Wisconsin so he actually takes out a real Classified ad and both he and his son are fucking her and the son ends up dying...it's super weird. The plot notwithstanding, there are tons and tons of graphic sex scenes in this book. Being that I was on American Airlines flight 1201 with service to Helsinki, my raging (unintentional) boner was quite inappropriate. Accordingly I kept downing vodka tonics to try to inhibit my natural tendencies, but instead it made me question whether or not it would be ridiculous to ask a flight attendant to the lavatory to assist me in relieving myself. 

This was my first experience in the "mommy-porn" genre. It's a stupid plot, but there is a dominant male with a strange past and a submissive female and they fuck hard and often. So you can imagine that this 50 Shades of Grey thing is happening now and it's very much a similar story. I bought it, but I can't bring myself to read it. However, from what I have gathered there is this guy named Christian Grey (Oh how clever it's like a color and the dudes name, and it's in the title...I see what you did there!) and he must have a massive dong and some congenital defect that let's him fuck for hours and deliver the female an orgasm every time. But he is like this billionaire and has all these rooms in his house for his sex slaves and he's into s&m and bitches love him. And so does every woman in America apparently because these books are flying off the shelves. Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed are books 1-3 in the country right now, and based on the 12 pages I have read I can guarantee it's not because it is well written, it's because older women like to read, and they are horny.

I don't know if this speaks to the American male not being able to pleasure his lover or what, but you see women reading this book everywhere. And unlike men, they don't pitch a massive tent when aroused, but I know when I see a girl at Starbucks reading the book and then she gets up to leave her first step is to throw her soaking wet panties in the dryer and then she's going to bed with a vibrating friend. Seriously, I would like to see a 6 month sales report on adult novelty stores...I'm sure there has been a notable spike. But I surmise the root meaning behind this is that this style of writing is tapping into the female subconscious. Whether she wants to be dominated or feel this intense erotic pleasure, or maybe it just takes her back to a time when she was a little bit better looking and a little more risque. Besides most of the women reading this now are old, they don't have that body anymore, they don't experiment with different positions in the bedroom, it takes them back. Maybe it's just a book that makes ugly women feel sexual.

This gave me an idea. If women are so ready to escape into Christian Grey's sex dungeon and send their husband out drinking with his softball buddies so she can have an uninterrupted night with Danielle Steele (the name of her vibrator...also a notable author) there has to be a flip side of this phenomena. What do men like...what do men care about? Men like being bad ass. Men like drinking. Men like fucking hot chicks not because they'll remember that 3 to 26 minute encounter the rest of their lives but because they can tell everyone they know about it and get high fives forever. Men like being dick heads and they like being better than other men.

So while E.L. James put together a novel based on the concept of "hot, rich dude has lots of sex with virgins" I think I could put together a series of novels based on a bro who bangs lots of hot chicks, goes boating with his pals and gets girls to do inappropriate things with his putter just for the story. We'll call him John Black and name the novel "50 Shades of Black." I can just see it now. Men at the country club reading it in the cigar lounge. "Bro, how sick was it when he made those two chicks play tennis to determine who was going to get to swallow his load and then he made them both blow him and he facialized them anyway!" *High five* See this isn't high concept literature, I believe I have just tapped into the male subconscious the way that Erika Leonard did for women. Most 60 year old men, no matter how rich and wealthy they are, probably haven't gotten a good old blow job in a while, this lets them live out their perverse fantasies through a character. We'll also make him like a 29 year old dude that just goes out to the bars and gets super loaded and crushes chicks. Because old men, even if they are happily married, I'm sure just miss going out with their buddies, getting loaded and trying to pick up chicks. The longest relationship I have ever been in is like 6 months, but some nights I so badly just wanted to go out to a bar and prove that I still had it. Imagine if you have been married 20, 30, 40 years.

So what's the plot of my inverse 50 Shades...um, it doesn't fucking matter. Maybe at the end of book 1, one of John Black's slam pieces says she just doesn't want to be another gash he fills anymore (that's the end of book 1 in the original 50 shades series) only in my book the male tells her to get lost and goes yachting off the coast of Hong Kong with the New York ballet company (may have stolen that plot point from Dark Knight, sorry I'm picturing Bale circa the Patrick Bateman days for the film version's protagonist) Other plot points will include, crushing his rivals in real estate deals, beating his best friend in golf, bowling a 300 and being awarded key to the city...you know standard things that matter to the male ego. 

The problem of course is that men don't read. If they do it is probably an article in a very specific magazine like golf digest or cigar aficionado whilst they take a shit. And that's unfortunate because that takes a lot of the wind out of the sales of my idea. That's how you write a best seller anyway. Appeal to women, because women read...or have your book optioned into a movie so that snobs will hurry out to read the book only so when you see the movie, they can adjust their monocle and retort "the book was better." Fortunately though, now that I think about it, 50 Shades of Black doesn't really need to exist anyway. There is already a volume of fiction and a shit ton of movies loosely derived from the same set of character traits I have already defined...James Bond anyone? Although I would stick to 60's and 70's Bond he was much less respectful towards women.