There are roughly 311 million Americans today. There are close to 7 billion people in the world. That is about a 4% chance. You could have been born a slumdog in Mumbai or a sewer kid in Romania, or 50 feet south of the American border and your life would be shitty, at least shittier than it is now. Even if you are a poor American, you still have freedom going for you. I also happen to be white and come from a certain degree of money, so I'm going to say statistically speaking I was given a better shake than about 99% of the world. If you think about it, being born at all is a miracle, if each of the millions of sperm are a horse and you have to pick that 1 in a million horse and then you are born an upper-middle class white male. Well, that's a good day at the office.
But I don't want to focus on how nice it is to have a dad that will pay your rent when you are in between jobs, or to know that you will never have to deal with annoyances like racial profiling, I want to focus right now on my favorite place in the world, the USA. I, like many consider the 4th of July to be the greatest of all holidays. Nothing is better than celebrating the birth of our nation that getting shit housed on beer and blowing some shit up. Christmas is great, you get presents but it's not really an American holiday, it's celebrated all over the world and the Jews don't even get to play. Halloween is fun, I appreciate the 2 days off work for Thanksgiving, but nothing quite bares the need to rage like a hot day in the middle of July that everyone in our country and our country alone can take ownership of.
Growing up I took for granted traveling to a foreign country and saying "I'm an American, I'm on vacation, let me in." Did you know that most people can't do that? Border patrol will tell you to go fuck yourself and go through the proper steps of acquiring a visa. That is not the case for Americans. The world has acknowledged our superiority. We can pretty much do whatever the fuck we want. We were the first country to stand up to the British empire and we've pretty much been dominating ever since 1812. There are rules and obligations to citizenship that I enjoy. I will serve on a jury if I am summoned, because that's just what you do. And if the draft ever did come back, I wouldn't fucking flee to Canada because America was found by badasses, and I will follow their example, hopefully next time around we won't let them slink back so quickly. And although I would prefer not to have an open door policy with our neighbors to the south, I must say. There is something pretty fucking epic about a pregnant woman sneaking illegally into America popping out a fetus and making that baby a citizen of the United States, forever, no one can ever take it away. I'm sure my fellow conservatives don't like that policy, but I appreciate throwing some chaos into the mix. It's like one of those obscure rules in sports that you don't often see, like the drop kick field goal.
But who wants to hear my views on foreign policy, fucking no one. So let's discuss what tomorrow is really all about. Equality. I try not to be a judgmental person and although I have frank discussions about race and creed I attempt to give everyone a fair shake regardless of background. I often fail, but tomorrow is the one time we are all colorblind. Black, white, gay, Jewish, yellow I don't fucking care because all I see is red, white and blue. I could march down the streets of Venice tomorrow in a red bandana, and I don't think one of the west side crips would shank me, because tomorrow we are all American...and nothing is more American than celebrating over 225 years of excellence by throwing a fucking rager.
So how are you going to celebrate tomorrow? By now everyone should have at `least one American flag bro tank...these will be an unoriginal choice tomorrow, but who fucking cares. Tomorrow isn't about winning a fashion competition it's about showing patriotism. Flip flops and a swim suit would also be a strong choice because if you aren't near a body of water tomorrow you're doing it wrong. A pool or a lake would be a strong midwestern choice, likely ocean if you are near a coast. Obviously making it to a fireworks show is a must, but you should also throw your own performance because it's so much more fun when you get to light the wick yourself. And if you find yourself scrambling to find a store tomorrow that will sell you illegal fireworks, don't worry...every group of friends has that one guy that drove to the state line 2 weeks ago and spent an entire paycheck on mortar shells and enough bottle rockets to have a wand fight (that's where you harry potter each other and shoot to kill. Dangerous, but fun) that lasts until the sun rises. Many people have oft associated the 4th with beer. And although beer drinking emerged as popular in Medieval Europe, I suppose their is nothing wrong with drinking a heavy domestic. But let me make another suggestion, can you and your friends take one shot for each year of American freedom? We did 235 last year between about 20 of us. It was the proudest I've ever been of my country
But whatever you do tomorrow, in between the 3 story beer bongs, the rare steaks and the backflips off the roof take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are. You had a 96% chance of being born anywhere else in the world, but you were born here where we make actors presidents and presidents buy baseball teams. The 4th falls on a Wednesday, many of you have a half day today tomorrow off, and it's back to work Thursday. If you can swing it, try to take Thursday off...if you can't just show up to work in a red shirt and if anyone gives you shit for being hungover accost them for being bad citizens. I suppose that's it. It's already close to 5 on the east coast, time to start drinking and if anyone is going to the rooftop party at 5th and Broadway in Santa Monica tomorrow can you bring those parachute army men? I always love getting drunk as shit and trying to catch them.
No comments:
Post a Comment