Interactive Dude in LA

Pictured: Shoes that will make women so moist the overall humidity of your town will change.

Shit that I'm pretty certain is bullshit but I'm not positive...

Round trip flights are bullshit. I think a long time ago some powerful marketing officer convinced mainstream America that there was value in booking flights round trip. The government took this a step further by randomly checking more people with a one way ticket because, hey if you're planning on running a plane into a tower, you likely don't need a return fare!

But it's a FUCKING lie. Buying a round trip ticket is like what Cartman said last week on South Park. It's a big dick in your mouth, it's a promise to pay for something that doesn't even exist yet. Sure airlines have adjusted their algorithms to adjust for last minute purchasing, but that doesn't mean that buying your return when you purchase your initial flight out will in any way benefit you. In fact, it is much more likely to fuck you in the ass.

Want to change your flight? Every airline except one will rape you with a splintery wooden dildo for this. What if there is some girl you almost fuck the night before you have to go home, but whiskey dick prevents it? Can't stay another day and give it another try, because you bought a round trip flight. What if you like cocaine and want to stay up busting rails until 5 in the morning and then sleep until Sunday Night Football. Oops. You missed your flight and now you don't have enough money to get back.

Round trip flights are for people with families, people with responsibilities, boring people. If you are single, young and like to fucking win it...you purchase that one way my friend. And you fly southwest, because they let you do whatever the fuck you want.

I just purchased my flights home for Christmas. I almost booked a flight from Palm Springs to Chicago for 120 dollars. That would have forced me to take a bus to palm springs, fly to Minneapolis with a 12 hour layover and then arrive in Chicago, only to take another bus to Indiana and still miss the bball game I have tickets to on 12/22 in Btown.

Once upon a time I would have done that, because that was my dedication to travel. But after one to many miserable Vegas busses home, I have decided that it's worth the 500 dollar one way ticket to land safely in Indianapolis where my mom will pick me up with 2 rockstars and STeak n Shake. My mom is the shit.

I don't have a return flight because there are so many reasons within 300 miles of the 317 that would cause me to change my travel plans. An ex-fling, an impromptu ski trip, or a last minute deal on flights to Australia. I don't think 2 steps ahead, I think 2 minutes ahead, and I suggest you guys try it once in a while. It's exhilarating.

Now, onto more important things. A few weeks ago I was at a TJ Maxx. I go once every 2 weeks to check out the men's shoe section. I do this because much of their selection looks like a mixture between something that came out of a frat guys closet or a gay thrift store. It's FUCKING great.
Pink sperry's, Tye Dye sneakers, white rainbows. Basically it is my wet dream. Most of America would get made fun of for wearing such colorful attire but when you are a tall, white alpha male with extreme arrogance, these shoes tell the world, Fuck you, I'm better than you...or at least I know I can wear these shoes and rail your girlfriend.

Today's offering is a pair of purple Chucks. I can't tell you how excited I was for these, I just wanted someone to say "your shoes" so I could say, Purple is the color of royalty bitch and then drop a metaphorical microphone. These shoes are the short cut to any pair of black stretch pants south of Sunset. They might as well have tiny Pikachus on them.

BUT I CAN'T WEAR THEM.

They were CLEARLY marked size 13 on the heal, but unfortunately for me, the folks that work at the Burbank town center are poor meth head valley kids. Seriously for every Beverly Hills 90210 there should be a companion series called Burbank High where a different character slits their wrists every week because Burbank sucks so much.

Regardless. What do I do with my quandary. Take the shoes back? They were like 10 bucks. Not worth my time to go to that hellish diaspora, I would rather pass the shoes onto a more suitable owner. The shoes have never been worn, I just want someone to conquer a whole lot of snatch or dick in these shoes instead of them collecting dust in my closet.

So.

If you are a guy or girl that wear a men's 11 and will rock these shoes harder than Chris Brown hits Rihanna, leave me a note on my wall or shoot me a text/e-mail and they are yours. I am willing to even ship these within the contiguous United States, just leave your mailing address and the postage is on me.

Please, these shoes must live on. They need their own story, they need a good home. Will you please adopt my rad purple shoes?