Oy, tonight was supposed to be the night of relaxation and laundry before the big bender, but then I bought a 3 dollar bottle of wine and some 30 dollar pretentious tofu burrito and now I am not doing a fucking thing. I just took a hit of some medically legal marijuana, they might as well call that shit lethal, I can hardly pick up the remote without considerate effort. Yep I live in a country where I can watch movies that haven't come out yet on my couch while I drink red wine alone on a Tuesday. That's what I'm thankful for.
Oh, ya that. Thanksgiving, you'll get a Thanksgiving blog later, it will start out about how I'm thankful for sluts and drug dealers that deliver and shit but then I'll totally redeem the whole thing in the last 2 paragraphs by realizing some sort of deeper meaning or some shit, it's crazy, you'll never see it coming.
I also have topics on the horizon ranging from the 7 deadly sins to how to end a blowjob embargo, but today I want to talk about fucking earthquakes. Because well I think that people that die in earthquakes are pussies and you know what? I'd like to explain why. Here are the top 5 natural disasters you can survive by not being retarded.
5. Earthquakes
Do you know how many fucking dorks in Los Angeles have little "earthquake preparedness" kits. It's like a bag of flashlights, some rope and some chicken noodle soup. Is that really what you're going to fucking want if a hole opens up in the middle of the street and swallows your car, all while your shitty track style home's roof is caving in on you? What are you going to do, convert the rope into a lasso and snag your Xbox before it is crushed by an unruly brick?
Look in all actuality the walls will shake and cause some structural damage to your home, it will annoy you. The power and cable will go out, but you might get sell service. What your disaster kit should have is a fifth of whiskey and an extra battery so you can get drunk and charge your phone while you wait for Twitter to load (and instagram and tinder, best believe I would be swiping right in the wake of a natural disaster...that "the world might be ending" shit is the world's strongest aphrodisiac)
But let's say even if it's a really bad earthquake right? You are hurt, roads around you are destroyed, you're house is ruined and you're devastated about your lack of adequate insurance, it's not like the zombie apocalypse is underway. You walk down the street and grab a banana, or loot! How much fun does it look like to loot! Sure there is a luck factor on this one, even the biggest bro couldn't survive a tree branch impaling him in the middle of the night, but honestly, only idiots live in earthquake zones. The west side of LA is relatively safe. The people that need to worry are pretty much in the valley and the hills. The people in the hills and the people in the valley. The folks that live in the hills live in homes made of stilts, they understand the risk, they know that they are fucked either way, but are just too damn cocky and rich to give a fuck. The people in the valley well, have you ever heard the phrase there's no such thing as a free lunch? Did you think you could live in a shitty area, adjacent to paradise, pay a substantial discount and not have to incur a risk? Move to the beach, ain't no earthquake fucking with Venice. But what about...
Survival rating: 4 moonrocks out of 5. You would have to get some terrible Final Destination luck to dies in an earthquake.
4. A Tsunami
I saw the movie The Impossible. Based on this alone I consider myself an expert. In that movie they make a tidal wave look pretty damn frightening, and they tease the death of every character and then take a major cop out and reveal that everyone actually survived and lived happily ever after. And that's exactly what would happen if a massive storm surge hit America. Do you know why tens of thousands of people die when a tsunami hits Malaysia or some comparable third world country? Because they live in huts made of mud and leaves. Not the most resilient against several tons of water pressure from a giant wave. Also these cultures lack high def television and smart phones with weather alert systems. If a 10 foot storm surge was actually threatening Venice, I would simply walk to Mar Vista and then catch that wave to West Hollywood, where I would brag about my exploits and eventually get domed up by some Jewish UTA mailroom girl.
It's a tragedy when 3rd world countries are wiped out by mother natures tour de force, but it just wouldn't happen here. The before and after shots are compelling, but in America, we have infrastructure. The only excuse for dying in a tsunami as an American, is you were out to see trying to catch a sick wave like that of the hundred year storm, like Bodhi at the end of Point Break. But I'm pretty sure he actually survived, and the studio is just sitting on that sequel. Most Americans can swim, and if you are a moderate swimmer, a tsunami poses little threat to you. The water damage would be annoying, and all the hipstery east siders would preach about how they were right about the west side being awful. There would be one casualty. A black guy that would singlehandedly set a stereotype back 20 years and bread horrible twitter jokes.
Survival rating: 4 fireball shots out of 5.
3. A Hurricane
I am shocked, SHOCKED that there isn't more backlash over natural disasters being associated with fun. Six Flags: Hurricane Harbor, the Johnny Tsunami movie franchise. Hell a city that was nearly WIPED OUT by a hurricane a few years ago, claims that disaster as it's official drink. With all the Indians bitching about the trail of tears and the Washington Redskins, you would think there would be one bleeding heart Katrina survivor that would like the name of the drink changed to something like "The Bourbon Blast." I'm glad this hasn't happened yet, because I would hate to berate a disaster survivor by telling them that they are what's wrong with the country.
Hurricanes suck. They bring lots of rain, flooding and general shittiness. From what I have heard about New Orleans in 2005, it sounds like it was not a pleasant experience. But this is not a blog entry on the top 5 most unpleasant natural disasters. It's a list of you are a pussy if you can't survive _____. When a hurricane comes, you literally have WEEKS of warning. But people are like too fucking proud to leave. That is dumb. Some people want to "ride out the storm" and have hurricane parties. That is dumb (but also fucking awesome) I'm assuming the people that die in hurricanes are really old and poor. But even if you are old and poor I feel like you can ride a bike out of the danger zone if given enough time. Or maybe solicit a ride from a family member up to Arkansas, that state might suck but it is SAFE. That place is so fucking boring, that disasters don't even want to hang out there.
Are you in the midst of a hurricane warning? Here is an idea, road trip out of the fucking danger zone. Think of it as a free week off from work. Send your boss emails about "how you're safe" but really you're partying in Austin every night and couldn't give a shit less what's going on back home.
Sure you go back and a bunch of your shit is fucked up, but you RENT. Make your landlord fix it while you check into a hotel for a few weeks. Sounds like a lovely little vacation, why do people complain so much about having to leave town for a little while?
Survival rating: 4 cocaine lines out of 5. Mark my words the Carolina Hurricanes will change their name before the Redskins.
2. Tornado
Was anything more thrilling in high school than a tornado warning? I have to admit I was always disappointed when nothing bad really happened, just a few trees ripped out of the ground in Greenfield. I was always secretly rooting for the tornado. What if it rips through my school and I get to stay home for a month, like a perpetual snow day!
But the thing is...that shit never fucking happens. We were all spoiled by growing up with the movie Twister, I thought for sure one day I would get to experience the thrill of outrunning an F5 on a high speed chase down the highway. One day when I was 11 years old I got the chance. A mid-sized tornado crossed the street in front of my dad and me on the way home from baseball practice. I was all "ahh fuck ya dad, let's run for our lives." He was unimpressed. Apparently Iowa tornadoes > Indiana tornadoes, we drove right past it while it unimpressively ripped a few branches off a tree and piddled out in a corn field. You cannot imagine my disappointment.
The reason you always hear about MASS DEATH and DESTRUCTION due to tornadoes is because they attack middle America. Some of the deepest poverty is in middle America. You hear about a tornado slicing through a trailer park and obliterating everything. But do you know what would happen if a tornado ran right over your nice brick house? Not much. Roof damage. If you are in the basement playing video games you could potentially lose power, but no reason to stop drinking the beer, just make sure you have an extra keg, tornadoes like to "attack" in groups, you could be down there a while.
Survival rating: 5 illegal prescription pills out of 5.
Before number 1, a few that JUST missed the cut.
- Flood: This is pitiful, just don't drive into a river and if you do, tread water, you learn this when you're 4.
-Mudslide: Really only affects cardboard box villages in central America.
-Avalanche: If you die in an avalanche you're a fucking badasss, the only bigger badass is one who survives said avalanche.
-Wildfire: Again, watching your home burn down from across the street must be shitty, but it's not like if you refuse to leave the fire will let it go, the old tie yourself to a tree in front of a bulldozer approach is invalid here.
1. Blizzard
I love snow. I love snow days. I love snow skiing. I liked sledding and building forts, and having snowball fights when I was younger. It's pretty much the greatest thing in the world (in the midwest, in winter...80 degrees and sunny every day in Venice is better)
I was ALWAYS let down by snow forecasts as a child. Some dipshit weatherman would predict like 18 inches and I would get SO fired up, and then you know what? Fucking nothing. Actually worse than nothing. We would get a pesky inch and my dad would make me shovel the driveway. And then go to school. FUCK that. Then we would get to school and bitch and moan about the lack of snow day. We had so many plans, we were going to build a sick jump at the Butler hill, then go do donuts and shit and maybe get fucked up in someone's basement. RUINED!
Once I moved to Chicago the stakes were upped a bit. They get legit snow there, but also a lot of annoying shit like freezing rain and gross slushy shit that doesn't lead to work cancellation. Then snowmageddon came. We literally got like 25 inches of snow. 4000 people abandoned their cars on Lake Shore Drive, we had 2 days off of work and I got SO fucked up both days. Like with reckless abandon I stormed around Chicago in the middle of a blizzard carrying a 40 up Halsted on my way to the bar.
Yet.
PEOPLE DIED. How?!?!?! All you have to do during a blizzard is stay inside. It's not that hard! Just keep the door closed, lay around and be lazy. If you feel like going out and trying to find some equally ambitious lass to slay, that's your business, but if a little snow causes your death, you are pathetic. This is not the Donner party we're talking about, no cannibalism going through the Oregon pass, just some snow and some bad roads. Even if you are like me and have nothing but Sriracha and beer in your fridge, that shit should sustain you at least for a week. There isn't even lasting damage from a blizzard. I guess if your car slides off the road and into a tree that will hurt in the morning, but whatever. Safety first, saddle up at the nearest bar as soon as you see a flurry, that's what I say. Or find a nice warm basement somewhere and do some blow being sure to make every possible snow/cocaine joke.
Survival rating: 5 drunk texts out of 5.
The moral of the story is that if you rent an apartment somewhere you could never afford to buy and an awful tragedy befells your town, it will be someone else's problem. There are at least 3 top notch cities in this country, if the one you are in goes down, just rotate to one of the other 2. If you're butthurt about leaving all your friends and life then come back after the mess has been cleaned up. Obviously this semi-nomadic lifestyle works best if you have few tangible possessions and no significant others or children. But that's the best part, there are sluts to bang all over the world, and Venice is not the only place it's chronically sunny with a chance of rage.
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