Thursday, November 21, 2013

Single Dude Daily

This morning in the car on the way to work I had 3 revelations.

1. Angelenos cannot drive in the rain for shit. I assure you there were 20 fatal car accidents this morning, and really we're all better for it. If some schmuck can't text his mistress whilst driving in mist and not drive his car off the freeway, ending in a fiery death; then he deserves to die.

2. Why the fuck is the sports media so overwhelmingly sympathetic to the plight of the gay athlete or the bullied athlete or the multiracial athlete. Even my favorite sports blogger, Drew Magary, spends 3000 words once a month crying about a bunch of gays that can't get jobs in the NFL. There are probably a lot of chronic masturbators that can't get jobs in the NFL either, but why is there no emphatic plea for the monkey spankers? What about the privileged white kid who can't get a job in the NBA? I want a story about the Will Sheeheys of the world and how it's all a conspiracy to oppress him because he got to drive a BMW to high school so now he has to suffer! Look, no one cares how much cock you gobble or if you're a huge pussy or whatever. It's a fucking excuse for a lack of talent.

3. I don't necessarily need to write 3000 word dissertations every time I have something to say. It's hard to build a brand or a following when you only post something once every 10 days, when I happened to drive by a Trader Joe's and think "I should get a bottle of 2 buck Chuck and spend an hour writing something horribly offensive." I should just do something short once in a while, something you can read at a traffic light. Actually don't look at your phone and drive, unless you are sealing a deal with some Tinderette who is on the fast track to riding your cock.

Today's random thought is as follows:
Is Thanksgiving to January 2nd the greatest month and a half of the year? In the stretch of about 40 days, I personally have Thanksgiving (aka a monster trip to San Francisco with the sketchiest guys I know) The Big Ten Bar Crawl, The annual secret santa fifth exchange, The Santa Crawl, 2 weeks off of work, Christmas, a possible impromptu ski trip and new Years.

Every single one of those are worthy of an epic blog post on their own. Sure, the weather isn't great, but any time I have a drink in my hand instead of a script and a handful of brads, it's a good day. I will probably be drunk for at least 3/4 of this stretch, and go on long periods of wearing an ugly Christmas sweater whilst holding a mug of egg nog, and I couldn't be happier.

Nothing brings a smile to my face like themed drinking events, and I assure you there will be plenty of slutty drunken mdma elves to go around for everyone. Every weekend has the potential for greatness, every night could be the greatest of your life. You get presents just for survivng until a certain day from friends, family and everyone above your pay grade at work.

You know what? Fuck summer, this is what life is all about.

So get ready for a Holiday season full of inappropriate blogs about my youthful exploits, and if you have some good stories of your own, send them my way, maybe I'll enshrine them in internet immortality, enjoy the games everyone.

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