(I am hammered right now, I cannot be held responsible for these thoughts, unless they are awesome)
3 quick things...
1. Lesbians have a very liberal interpretation of sex. Now I will admit that every single one of my assumptions comes from watching episodes of Orange is the New Black between the hours of 2 and 4 am on week nights when I'm stressed out and down a bottle of 2 buck chuck.
That said...
There's a whole lot of "I fucked the shit out of you" nonsense thrown around with those inmates, and then we get a quick cutaway of a little cunnilingus in the shower or maybe some finger blasting in the chapel.
Lesbians of earth, I'm sorry...but that is not sex. You are merely playing with doubles and triples. And unfortunately, Craig Biggio did not make it into the hall of fame this year, so I'm going to take the controversial stance that you are all virgins. (unless you fucked some guy in high school to fit in, which, let's face it you all did)
The thing about hetero sex that makes it a tad more legit is the fact that it has to be earned. You have to jam a phallic object into a crevice until one or both (usually one) parties achieves orgasm. The phrase "fuck the shit" out of likely comes from an interracial sex fable in the 60's where a black fox literally made a white otter void her bowels with the sheer blunt force of the pounding. (This did not make the cut on Aesop's greatest hits) regardless, it is cheating for a girl to finger another girl and call it sex. It's akin to taking all of the PED's available in the steroid era in baseball, the white AND the clear. Wasn't that the whole idea? What once was a double, is now a home run.
That is unless we want to have sexuality affirmative action, in which case every hand job and blow job I received in between 1999 and 2012 is effectively transferred into sex. This would change almost everything about me as a person. I now have lost my virginity on a ferris wheel at the St Simon carnival and my mean sexual partner score shifts down from a 6.8 to a hard 5 (a blow job has no face [nor race {nor age}]) HOW FUCKING IMPRESSIVE IS MY tertiary parentheses usage!?!
Anyway, I think in order for lesbians to count real live sex, they have to involve a 3rd party, like a complicated NBA trade...or I suppose I will count scissoring, sure you don't have to hit a perfect balance of "drunk enough to perform but not too drunk to disqualify" but I've been thinking about the physics of it and it seems really difficult. Likely you would need to be in a small one bedroom apartment in New York where you could use your hands to prop up on the wall and provide juxtaposed pressure to... whatever, you get it.
2. White girls still love Nelly.
I had a shitty day, and I was fully expecting to drink 3 bottles of wine at home whilst watching "The Wire" music video on repeat, but somehow I was dragged out to a Santa Monica bar.
In full jacket and coat, I sucked down IPA's whilst trying not to look miserable.
Cue "Ride With Me" "Hot in Herre" and "Country Grammar"
Obviously I knew every word, and despite the fact that I was RAINING sweat, moreso than a category 3 hurricane, my dick was grabbed by more single trust fund sluts than if I would have just optioned the latest Gillian Flynn novel. If I were a lesbian I probably would have told everyone that I fucked every girl in there.
Everyone was awkward in 1999, acne, lopsided boobs, I was still waiting for armpit hair...now that these insecurities are gone, people romanticize this time as if it were really magical or something.
If you are trying to rap a Nelly song and forget a lyric just lean back and yell "OHHHH!" He does it every 3.5 seconds, odds are, you'll fit in. (Britney Spears still plays as well)
3. If you are planning on taking down a random do not eat Mexican food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We were around the second round of double dutch (which always plays) when I realized that if I were to go home with the 31 year old girl with the exposed stomach there was a 40% chance I would have to shit mid thrust...but have no fear, a buddy of mine completely distracted me by asking the question..."Dude some chick said in Harry Potter world I would have been a Ravenclaw, is that good or bad?"
Uber home...
I have a blog to write.
It's been, I don't know 8ish years since Harry Potter graduated Hogwarts? I remember reading the 7th book during hell week freshman year and imagining that I could cast spells on all the faggot seniors who would stay in to haze on a Friday night rather than go get to third base (lesbian home run) with some random tri delt. I would be laying in a supply closet covered in dip spit and cayenne pepper and convince myself that I was Harry living under the stairs at the Dursleys, and it must have worked because as Harry became the greatest wizard of all time, I became the greatest fratter of all time.
BUT ANYWAY, back then I always fashioned myself a Gryffindor. They're the good guys, they fight for the underdog. Who wouldn't want to rock the maroon and gold, maybe play left chaser and just run through witch pussy. I'm talking straight up Cedric Diggory before he started fucking Bella Swan...
But there was always an element of vaginitis to the Gryffs. Like I dig that Harry was trying to rail the Asian after he kinda got Edward killed, but why didn't he seal the seal? And what the fuck is up with picking Ginny over Emma Watson? Ginny Weasley is like 20 years old and married...I'm still pissed off Emma Watson didn't get naked in My Week With Marilyn. Regardless, Gryffindors are the boy scouts. The pre 2007 Fiji, the NICE GUYS, who dress well and have pretty girlfriends and don't really upset the apple cart. They have a strong lineage and probably make solid responsible choices. These guys go to the bar and order beers. They tried pot a couple times, but it wasn't for them. They stay in on the weekends and are ready to settle down and start going to dinner parties with their girlfriend's friends. Oh they pretend they like to have a good time, but the stripper at their bachelor party will be topless only.
HUFFLEPUFF
I'm trying to think what the worst possible thing you can call someone is...
Faggot? That's out of fashion because now the MAIN STREAM MEDIA tells you it's a HATE word...even though it used to be a term of endearment (I only call my FRIENDS faggots) Pussy, nerd, loser...they all send the sameish message. You are WEAK, inadequate, INFERIOR.
Well I think we can scrap all of those and just go ahead and say there is nothing in the world worse than being a Hufflepuff.
Everyone has heard the urban legend now about the Columbine shooter that asked a girl if she believed in God and then shot her...I truly believe he told her, I'm going to kill you now NO MATTER WHAT, and she said..."Go ahead, you fucking HUFFLEPUFF" Basically Hank Schrader telling Uncle Jack to go fuck himself (can you make school shooting jokes if it's not the most recent school shooting??? It's ok, I empowered her!)
There is nothing worse than being a Hufflepuff. I'm pretty sure a gold star was preferable in 1940's Germany than a golden badger.
Ok that was too far.
Anyway. Hufflepuffs are the guys you work with that went to a directional school (i.e. Eastern Illinois) and didn't join a frat. They aren't skilled, they aren't driven, an ideal life for them is to marry a 5, have an average child that plays youth soccer and never makes the travel team, send him to public schools and pay half of his tuition to Southern Illinois - Edwardsville...so that he can keep the cycle going.
RAVENCLAW
I'm very torn, because growing up I always thought Ravenclaw was a very underrated house. These were like the smart kids that were secretly doing molly and having sex with each other while keeping a 4.0 and when you found out while drunk at a party you said "NO FUCKING WAY!"
Ravenclaws keep a lowish profile, they live in West LA instead of Santa Monica, they have a girlfriend but that won't stop them from going to the strip club and buying the birthday boy 400 private dances. Your Ravenclaw friend is just a solid dude, you probably often think, I should kick it with this guy more, he's awesome.
But again, it has it's limitations. Even your coolest married friend is still married, and while your buddy that rocks the purple is not as pompous and self riches as the Gryffindor homies, he'll never be the one that recommends staying up until the sun rises. He's not buying the Uber to the bar that claims it is "open at 6am 365 days a year" after a particularly intense bender.
He may pop out an "electric cigarette" right before he leaves the party..."Hey man, it's actually pot...don't tell Nikki." And that's fucking cool man, but that's about as risqué as it gets.
...
But at the end of the night, your Gryfindor friend has gone home to have missionary sex with his over achieving registered nurse of a fiancé. The Hufflepuff dudes you know are at the Magic Castle blowing up their pathetic social media feed to let everyone know that "they have a buddy who hooked it up" (magic is fucking gay) and the Ravenclaw dude, on his way out, makes some cool plan about the two of you eating pot brownies and going to Joshua Tree together in the spring (this will never happen) you realize tat the party is over and it's time to go to bed.
Until...
THWOMP THWOMP THWOMP!!!!
"What's up motherfucker?!?! You ready to get FUCKING SINNED?"
The SLytherins have arrived.
Your snake friends treat the world as their oyster and every member of the opposite sex as an object. They care about nothing but themselves and the physical pleasures that make them happy. HEY BRAH, chop up a few more lines??? Bro, that SLUT mindy she SUCKED MY DICK IN THE BATHROOM of townhouse (lesbian sex) I told her to come back here and do coke off our nuts but she passed out...
...BUT HER ROOMMATES ARE COMING!!!
Slytherins are the guys your parents warned you about. They're terrible people, straight up villains. They are the small devil on your left shoulder telling the angel on your right that he is a fucking faggot and that you should go have some reckless fun.
Life is too short not to embrace your inner slytherin...I have no idea how this post started as an indictment on lesbian sex and then somehow turned into my Draco Malfoy fantasy but it happened.
And Draco never died...I bet he was fucking Ginny Weasley the whole time. You'll see. Once JKR runs out of money she'll write Hogwarts: The College Years and we'll find out Draco was piping Weasley while Harry was busy fucking horses and what not. SUCH A Gryff move, to get peaced by a WASPY blonde. HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Ok, I'm out of booze, if you stayed with my stream of consciousness, congrats, you're as insane as I am.
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