Monday, January 20, 2014

What the Buzzfeed article really says about you

Recently, the blog has come under criticism and I want to address that really quick. I realize that the content I put on here is pretty horrible. It's offensive, it demeans everyone and it makes me out to be a pretty terrible person. Now despite the fact that I am pursuing a career as a comedy writer and that I hide behind the veil of fiction and a character I have to acknowledge the fact that these words can translate into real hurt.

That said, no one is putting a gun to your head to read this, there is a fucking warning that you have to click through to get here. If this site offends you, go read some post feminism bullshit on Jezebel, you may feel safer there. If my Facebook offends you, there is something that I have heard of that some Ex-girlfriends do...ah yes, the passive aggressive unfriending. I promise, I won't be bothered. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a real writer, I'm not spreading a web of hate around the world, I'm expressing a few random over the top thoughts that give a few of my friends a good laugh.

We've gotten to the point in our lives that it's too late to apologize for anything. You're not always going to gel with the people you did once upon a time, at this point move on...if you don't like me or my writing then fuck you, see you never. Avoid the Venice neighborhood of Los Angeles and you can probably avoid ever seeing or hearing from me again. I'm not a bad guy, I just give very few fucks about certain things that other people value. If some day I become a real writer and this blog surfaces I'll tell everyone I was a struggling comedian looking to make a splash, and that shit gets forgiven in LA because "ART" or some bullshit like that. And for those of you who think I possess talent but I'm throwing it away writing vile filth, I appreciate the concern and I promise I'm writing some other stuff too, it's just more fun to play the villain at the moment.

Thanks.

Now, onto the vile and filth.

You may have seen a Buzzfeed article floating around in the last 24 hours that gives you a very short questionaire that tells you where you should live. This has become very popular for several reasons.

1. Most people are pretty miserable with their current life and fantasize about moving somewhere else and everything being better.

2. They believe that an exotic location will provide them validation that they must too be an interesting person, which is why their personality seemingly syncs to a cool world city, even though there is a finite list of cities and no one will be doomed to Lincoln, Nebraska.

3. Fuck it, it's only like 6 questions and everyone else is doing it, I can't wait to find out I belong in Paris and post it for all my besties!!!!!

So before I start shitting all over some really interesting world cities, let's go through the actual test question by question and get into some deep analysis on why preferring your Beyonce vagina pre birth lands you somewhere in the far east.

Question 1.
How do you take your coffee?

To be honest, I could probably go 5,000 words on each individual question and what the answer says about you as a person. Instead, I'll just give you my answer and some quick thoughts on how I arrived there.

Your choices are:
Local/Organic, by the pot, cappuccino extra foam, pour over, don't drink, Iced, espresso, black or skinny vanilla latte

My choice was: By the pot. Now to be honest, my pretentious Starbucks order is usually the seasonal latte. Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Cinnamon Dulce or the Chestnut Praline if I'm lucky enough to be in a test market. However, after my PSL/GBL/CDL/CPL I have 12 to 15 cups of shitty black coffee at work, because I cannot get through a single day without a minimum of 20 mg of Adderall and 10000 mg of caffeine. No I do not have trouble sleeping, I take a large dose of NyQuil daily at 10pm.

Impact: One would assume this question is pure Portland bait, but I know of several people who claimed "no coffee" and still got shafted in the land of rain and vampires. None of these answers make you a total ass hat, except maybe local/organic. SVL implies you are a cute girl watching her weight, which I endorse. All the other answers are fairly legit, except I don't really know what the fuck pour over means, is that some type of French press bullshit? Whatever, however you take your coffee, I shan't judge. Mornings suck, coffee (and getting up every 5 minutes to refill and/or pee) make them tolerable.

Question 2.
What's your jam?

This was a flawed question because it offered a limited selection of genres, you basically had 6 pop songs (Ke$ha, Beyonce, JT, Lorde, Elle, Shakira) a dubstep (Skrillex) a classic rock (GnR) and some hipster bullshit indie rock (Bon Iver)

My choice was: Bangarang. All of the pop songs are fine and I came dangerously close to picking "Timber" but due to the involvement of Pitbull and the fact that there are pictures of fat Ke$ha covered in semen floating around the internet, I just couldn't pull the trigger. Sweet Child O Mine is a jam too, but at the time, rolling at Coachella sounded better than chugging beer at the Viper Room.

Impact: Again, I can't even begin to decipher how this could label you. Leaning electronic would likely lead to a party culture (LA, NY, Rio, Spain. Cape Town) and I suppose leaning indie would ingratiate you to a more hipster locale, but again I know a billion people that were damned to Portland, and I am yet to meet someone that chose Bon Iver as their "jam."

Question 3.
What could you eat forever?

This question becomes a little more transparent as a lot of these answers lend directly to one culture or another.

My choice was: Steak and potatoes, no question.

Impact: Had you gone chocolate that will probably push you more toward central Europe. Pizza, Italy (or NY) Curry = India, Sushi almost definitely Tokyo and then there were a couple of latin food options. Fortunately for me, Cedar Rapids, Iowa was not a possible destination so I believe this question likely had little impact on me, despite being the answer I was most passionate about. Question though, who the fuck just LOVES bread...and are there really people that prefer chicken to steak?

Question 4.
Pick a hashtag.

This was clearly the most pathetic question on the test. Trying to capitalize on social media culture, we were given 9 shitty hashtags to pick from, all incredibly high on the douchometer.
#YAASSS #YOLO #WINNING #BLESSED #SORRYIMNOTSORRY #FOODPORN #NOFILTER #BLESSED #YOLO (IRONIC EDITION)

My choice: Again, impossible to avoid douchiness on this one, but I went with sorryimnotsorry because it's fairly close to "sorry for partying" which was my favorite thing to say senior year of college.

Impact: I don't know what YAASSS means, is it supposed to be like "Your ass?" Anyway most of these are celebratory hashtags that you would expect to accompany Bobby Bottleservice on Insta. Blessed is most certainly an African American athlete, Foodporn is foodies and no filter is likely an aspiring photog. Again the ironic yolo pushes you toward hipsterville. I'm guessing that most of the party hash tags pushed you toward a nightlife epicenter, while the foodporn leaned Europe and the Blessed leaned to a culture that takes religion a little more seriously.

Question 5.
Pick a Beyonce.

Ok maybe THIS is the most pathetic question on the test. Personally I think Beyonce is fine. She is an attractive female with catchy songs and she's beautiful, but I don't find her to have the cultural impact of say the first season of the OC. Imagine if this question was "Which OC season 1 character are you" How much better would that have been? #TeamSandy.

My choice: Crazy in Love Beyonce. She was 22, hot as fuck and the song had Jay Z (I was in high school and still thought I was black) However, if Halo Beyonce or Irreplaceable Beyonce were choices I would have gone that way. Basically I like my Beyonce Post Destiny's Child, Pre Blue Ivy.

Impact: I have no fucking clue, there was a vegan Beyonce answer, that probably doomed you to living in a sober-living Co-op in Echo Park.

Question 6.
Pick your bucket list vacation.

I'm pretty sure this question sealed my fate as I had pretty much done everything in question or some form of it. (I've not been to Bali, but I imagine all island vacations are fairly similar)

My choice: Safari. I have not been on a safari, nor have I been to Africa. I'm not sure it's the once vacation I would choose if given the opportunity to go tomorrow, but I would like to go before I die. Of all the things on the list that I have already done, the one I would most like to do again is backpack Europe, skydiving was terrifying.

Impact: Probably pretty substantial. All of these amazing vacations take place somewhere exotic. I landed in Africa after claiming I wanted to go on a safari. Lots of people that put Coachella (LA), Hamptons(NY) or roadtrip probably end up domestic and I'm guessing the Euro options push you in that direction.

Question 7.
Pick your poison.

I read on the buzz feed comments section a lot of complaints about the lack of option for non-drinkers. If you don't drink, you don't deserve to fantasize about what life would be like in a different more interesting location. Maybe you should start, your life could drastically improve.

My choice: I think I went craft beer, probably my most pretentious choice of the whole survey. A few years ago I would've gone shots! You really can't go wrong with this one though as there is a time for all of these in our lives. Sometimes you crave an old fashioned (whiskey) mojitos are great on island vacations, red wine for dinner parties, GnT and Vodka soda are both perfectly acceptable go to cocktails and I suppose if you are going out for sushi white wine plays.

Impact: At this point the formula is pretty obvious. There are questions that plot you based on a general location, and questions that map how much you like to party. At the end these 2 raw scores are compounded to find the city that is the closest fit. This spectrum probably went shots on the Barcelona end to craft beer in Portland (lucky me!) with red wine landing you somewhere in the middle which is probably a more conservative European city.

Question 8.
What do you look for in a mate?

Sadly "permission to do cocaine off of their private parts" was removed at the last minute, but the answers weren't too tough to see through here.

My choice: Was spontaneity. A rather random answer, I really do value this a lot. I want to be able to ask a girl if she wants to drive down to Tijuana just for the hell of it on a Wednesday and have her dive in head first. I also seek this in friends a lot of the time. Life is too short not to say fuck it and fly to Vegas once in a while.

Impact: Guessing that this was gauging again how adventurous you are. Fashion/money would push you more toward a NYC/Paris/London while dancing/sexy are the shallow answers that would land you in a party town. Smart/humor/witty were likely interpreted as the hipster answer that landed you on the set of a Fred Armisen sketch show, Spontaneity was likely a wild card.

Question 9. (Last one!!!!)
How do you exercise?

Another lifestyle question. Do you get in touch with your inner zen through bikram yoga or do you get down with another type of sweat via MDMA consumption?

My answer: I burn calories by partying. Ya, I know...I'm a tool, but there was no box for "I spend 30 minutes at the gym doing glam muscles"

Impact: All of these answers were pretty whack. If you said your exercise is sex, I hate you. Same with shopping (we get it, you really want Paris) In fact the only people I respect are the extreme sporters and the hikers. If you don't exercise or "just stay skinny naturally" go fuck yourself.

WELL THAT'S IT?!?!?!?! HOW DID YOU DO?

From my very hasty research, these were the potential outcomes:
-Capetown, South Africa
-Tokyo, Japan
-New York, NY
-Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
-London, UK
-Paris, France
-Los Angeles, CA
-Portland, OR
-Barcelona, Spain

I would imagine that's the comprehensive list, 9 questions, with 9 potential answers yielding 9 outcomes. Logic would be with me, if I missed one, please let me know,

So let's start with me.

Capetown, RSA

What does this say about you?
I'll be honest, I don't know shit about South Africa. It kinda looks like the Rio of Africa. I've heard there is some bad gang violence and I would imagine that there are some unresolved racial tensions, you can actually visit the island prison that held Mandela for all those years. That said, it's got a beach, it's warm and Dave Matthews is from there. So it sounds vaguely similar to Venice, I'm sure I would love it. Sample things to do include getting hammered on the beach, climbing mountains with stunning ocean views. It's basically just like Temescal except the white people have funny accents. The people that landed in Capetown were likely all over the board with their answers. They love to party, but life is more about the adventure for them. These people want to go on shoot the shit out of African rhinos on an illegal poaching safari, but probably won't have very good aim because they've been shotgunning Glenhoffs all day (did a quick Google search, turns out South Africa is known for its microbrews! Thumbs up!)

Tokyo, Japan

What does this say about you?

All the people I know that are obsessed with eastern culture are weird as fuck, but at the same time pretty cool. I'm still amazed that barely 50 years after we decimated a country with 2 atomic bombs they have basically gotten over it. You can just study abroad in Japan if you want, no problem. In fact, the Japanese people probably won't give you any shit at all unless you are making a documentary about their dolphin hunting practices. I choose to believe that both Karate Kid sequels and Fast 3: Tokyo Drift are bullshit for 2 reasons. 1. I find Asians to be the least scary minority. 2. Picking on foreigners would seem to be a shameful act and since we know all Japanese people are samurai, this would cause them to stab themselves in the stomach. If you got Tokyo, I'm assuming you really love sushi, you're probably a bit off personality wise, but enjoy learning, studying and discovering new things. You have an introverted intensity about you, and your dream car growing up was a Mitsubishi Spyder. Sick ride brah! Make sure to get that pink underflow!


New York, NY

What does this say about you?

This is the first of the destinations that I think people are really trying for. Let me say 2 things about that. First of all, I don't fucking get the whole New York thing. It's not awful, in fact I applaud the fact that the girls are seriously DTF and 12 hour benders at Bro J's are about the greatest thing in the world. It's a city that embraces debauchery, staying out all night and never growing up, you would think it would be my fantasy, but for reasons unknown, I'm just not into it. Number 2, if you game a test just so it can validate that you belong in NYC you're fucking pathetic. I realize that there are certain barriers to entry to moving certain places in the world, but anyone can load up their station wagon and drive to Brooklyn where they will overpay for a roach invested janitor's closet, but hey, it's 'the city." New York people probably picked a mixture of fashion nightlife and food. (I'm not certain how this varies from any of the other cosmopolitan world cities, perhaps cocktails instead of wine?) I will say this about New York: if you live there, mad respect. It is a fucking struggle, you better be going for it in some bad ass industry or you have successfully conned your parents into letting you live the SATC lifestyle. You're staying young, and suffering through winters because 'hey SantaCon is legit, and those Manhattan summers, my GOD. Have you been to a fleet week party? Fuck ya, I go out for $20 cocktails on Tuesday nights, and I stay up all night Saturday and go straight to brunch and sometimes I do cocaine on Monday mornings before work because snorting concerta just doesn't cut it sometimes.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

What does this say about you?

Dude, I don't even know what the fuck to think about Rio. Is it this beach paradise that their tourism board is pumping in advance of the World Cup and Olympics or is it the City of God? The slums of Rio have become more feared than the hardest ghettos in America's shittiest cities. The Prostitutes give blow jobs to corrupt cops in exchange for English lessons...why? Because they want to be able to succinctly up charge visiting Americans who want to put it in their ass come 2016. I have to admit, I appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit. But what does Rio say about you? I think it's like the next party destination for those that are over Europe. Most of the professional partiers I know head to South America after they have conquered Europe. It's also like the hip spot to go. "Oh you went to Ibiza? I went to Lollapalooza Chile, hiked the Andes and then lived with an Incan tribe for 2 months." It takes a free spirit to travel down to an emerging economy with high crime (Brazil, Russia, India, China called BRICs are supposedly the superpowers of the future) but hey the jungle sounds fun and where else are you going to use that Portuguese you learned from your gardner growing up?

London, UK

What does this say about you?

London is one of the few places on this list that I could see myself living, like forever. Everywhere else would be fun to visit for 2 weeks, but after a while I need some English speaking folk from western culture with whom I can communicate. They have excellent culture, history and sport but god dammit do I hate the rain, and oh by the way, if you thought New York was expensive? Well you can choke on a dick while you do that dollar to pound conversion because the ass raping the exchange rate gives you won't be much more comfortable. London is like the European New York. If your choices indicated that large city life is important to you but, you know outside of the states, this is probably where you ended up. Equal parts nightlife, fashion and a killer music scene, the majority of the people that ended up here probably weren't throwing down a hashtag food porn. Maybe the American sentiment is too fucking soft for you, 'those damn yanks should quit their bitching about political correctness, we say cunt on the BBC" I agree guys, I agree. People in London will drown pints all night, smoke a pack of cigarettes and refuse to apologize, I'm almost a little upset this isn't where I landed.

Paris, France

What does this say about you?

The second on the list of places that you could end up if you wanted to. I can just see some pathetic Fashion Merchandising major from Akron, indicating her love of red wine, fashion and a mate who is sophisticated! OMG I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!!! I BELONG IN PARIS! Facebook share! Look at meeeeeeI got Pareeeeee! Ok, who am I to rain on someone's parade. If you have never left the country but your dream is to someday travel to Paris and fall in love I won't stop you. I mean I saw Before Sunset (like back in 2004 you guys, before it was the cool thing to do) I know how awesome it looks. And I mean, Midnight in Paris? Yes. But that's the thing about Paris, it's a lot like the movie Elysium, the idea is amazing, the execution is...eh? Paris isn't some crazy romantic city full of possibilities. You have a nice wine picnic in a park by the Eiffel tower, you check out that art museum and that's about it. Sure it has great fashion, a culture of drinking, good food and just kind of watching the world go by, but so does every major city if you want it to. Add Paris to the list of cities I just don't really understand. The people are dick heads (and despise you) and there just isn't a whole lot going on. The Moulin Rouge is like a shitty whore house in the ghetto, you're only a 2 hour train ride to the French Riviera which is the greatest place in the world. Here's what you do, if you ever find yourself in Paris, train it down to Nice, hop the 35 minute train to Monte Carlo and get lost there. If you're going to drift through life doing nothing, Monaco is a much better place to do it.

Los Angeles, CA

What does this say about you?

LA is like the anti-city. It's a collection of wildly diverse neighborhoods that don't really fit together at all. The wealthiest people in the city and the poorest live within just a couple miles of each other and have nothing in common. I live in Venice, but have friends that live in West Hollywood that refuse to visit. That said, because of it's diversity it has a little bit of everything for everyone. What do you look for in a home? Tight knit community, good old fashioned morals and values? This is not the place for you. Do you want to live in a town that values creativity and never be cold again, this is it. People often say that the worst part about LA is the people and the smog, but if you're surfing, hiking and checking out the explosive music and film scene you kind of accept the trade off. It's a city full of selfish people but that can also mean intense focus on attaining one's dreams. You like food, fashion, partying and the lingering idea that any night could be the craziest of your life, LA is a town for you. You like relaxing by the beach all day and watching 365 sunsets a year, LA is a town for you. The whole city is like a choose your own adventure novel, the city has less of a personality than others, instead it is a land that is what you make it.

Portland, OR

What does this say about you?

OK, I'm not going to shit on Portland too hard, I just think it's so funny how inexplicably SO many people ended up here. It's clearly the least exotic/desirable place on the list. I mean it's a city known for the lumber industry. (Do you think that 'Timber' led here???) But let's be honest, Portland is a billion times better than most US cities, I mean it's better than Cleveland right? U of Oregon is a big party school right? Good skiing up in the Pacific Northwest? The thing that kills me is how much Portland embraces the hipster culture. I feel like the city is one giant walking stereotype. Beards, organic coffees, wool plaid shirts and a resurgence of American Folk music. (Inside Llewyn Davis is crushing it in this market) The thing is, when I think of Portland I think of Fred Armisen, and when I think of Fred Armisen I just think of someone who isn't funny. He was fucking Peggy (Elizabeth Moss) and then she broke up with him saying 'the most successful character he ever pulled off was convincing the world that he was a normal person.' That's how I feel about Portland, it's a cloudy place with lots of pine trees. You know what show takes place up there? Grimm and The Killing. I bet there really ARE monsters living in those woods. Both of those shows just look depressing as fuck. Almost every city on the list is an AWESOME beach town or some metropolis infused with crazy culture and history. Portland is like overcast and 62, you're not totally bummed about it, it's just meh. But hey, I bet the fair trade tea section at their whole foods is off the hook.

Barcelona, Spain

What does this say about you?

OHHHHH SHIT!?!?!? You like to fucking rage!!!! I can see your survey now. SHOTS, PARTY CALORIES, COFFEE IS BLACK LIKE MY SOUL AND I DRINK SO FUCKING MUCH OF IT! MY BITCHES BETTER DANCE AND I LIKED BEYONCE WHEN SHE WAS WITH DESTINYS CHILD, FUCKING 4SOME FANTASIESSSSSS. SKRILLLLLLLLLEX! I'M GOING TO ABIZA THEN WE'RE TAKING THAT BITCH TO YACHT WEEK!
Ok we get it. They pre game from 9pm-2am and then go out until 9 am. Then they sleep until 2pm, go to work for like an hour and then start drinking margaritas during siesta. Honestly, I don't understand how anything gets done in this city. They have been trying to secede from Spain for like a hundred years, and it took them like 2 centuries to build that stupid church because conceivably everyone was too hungover or busy partying. I really don't know what the fuck anyone in Barcelona does, because I was there for 96 hours and all I saw was drinking and all I felt was bass. I have a private theory that in 1992 everyone got super fucking rich during the olympics and invested in night clubs...then when all of the American trust fund kids came and spent every last dime of their parents money at Opium, Posha and Razzmatazz, they got rich again.

That or they make their money hosting the American kids, honestly how in the fuck did you all go abroad and stay with a madre, you realize if you got your own apartment you could fuck whoever you wanted without having to worry about it, right? Ya, if you got Barcelona, you like to party.


TL;DR these are 9 cities that we should probably all visit, they all have something exciting to offer, and I would urge more people to travel in general. It's a crazy and beautiful world out there, and I assure you that 50 years from now, you will value the 600 dollar plane ticket to Europe over the new Prada Bag you're eyeing.







No comments:

Post a Comment