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| Actual Tagline: The Cubs needed a miracle...they got Henry Rowengartner. |
The next morning I woke up in a stranger's bed in West Hollywood. Pocahontas left a note on the bed that she had absconded to brunch and to please lock the door on my way out. My phone was dead, my credit card was missing and I was experiencing delirium tremens. It was Sunday and I had the worst hangover of my life. I had a wadded up dollar bill in my pocket and that was basically my only tangible asset. I was also still dressed like a looper and had a fucking potato cannon to lug around.
I walked a couple miles down La Cienega until I found a bus stop that would eventually get me back to Venice. I got on the bus, with a fucking Blunderbuss and no one said a word. The reason being, most of the people that ride the bus in LA are on meth. I sat next to a cordial African American fellow who was on his way to work.
"You got to a Halloween party last night?"
"Ya...I uh...didn't quite make it home."
"You find a nice lady to sleep over with?"
"I did."
"And she wouldn't give you a ride home?"
"I'm sure it's karma for the drawer of 10 dollar bills I would reach into for shacker cab fare in college."
"Damn, that's cold...does that gun thing work?"
"Ya, it shoots potatoes."
"It's funny man, if I got fucked up and walked around town with a shotgun looking thing I would be shot. White kid does it, it's cute. World's fucked up man."
It sure is. But you know what else is fucked up? I found 10 more CLASSICS from the 90's that the mainstream media deems unfit for consumption. Some fucktards had the audacity to not recognize the genius of the aft mentioned art. Everyone loves a sequel (and they usually make more money) so here are 10 more "rotten" classics.
10. Hocus Pocus (1993) 33%
A critic said: "It strictly remains more "trick" than "treat."- Matt Brunson (I see what he did there!)
Why he's wrong:
I am known to be a fan of many female-targeted things. I've watched the OC series at least 5 times, I'm a massive Gossip Girl apologist and I tear up at the "It's you Peyton" scene from One Tree Hill EVERY TIME. But I never got into Sex in the City for two reasons. 1. Sarah Jessica Parker is heinous looking. 2. New York is fucking dumb. However, 21 years ago SJP did not yet look like a horse, and she was cast as "Hot witch" in the Disney classic Hocus Pocus. (Side note: The second suggested search result for Sarah Jessica Parker is "Sarah Jessica Parker horse." The first, and almost ALWAYS the suggestion on a female celebrity is feet. I think there are far more foot fetishists out there than we could have possibly imagined.)
The film also feels classic performances from a talking cat and Thora Birch. Do you know what Thora Birch is famous for? She had herself emancipated at 16 so she could legally show her tits underage in American Beauty. What a hero. Anyway, I remember Hocus Pocus scaring the shit out of me when I was a little kid, mainly because of Bette Midler's face. I think the Jewish version of hell is just Bette Midler and the annoying woman that gives Zach Braff the shirt in Garden State nagging about you being underdressed for the weather for all of eternity. I also liked the zombie in Hocus Pocus, he was cool.
9. Richie Rich (1994) 24%
A critic said: "Most of the time, Richie Rich is too busy oohing and ahhing over the junk that money can buy to relax and have a good time." - Stephen Holden
A critic said: "Most of the time, Richie Rich is too busy oohing and ahhing over the junk that money can buy to relax and have a good time." - Stephen Holden
Grantland did a piece a while back about how to make a successful tv show. It was a simple formula. Rich white people doing rich things and integrating an outsider. The OC, Gossip Girl, 90210, Melrose Place...just ask Josh Scwartz how well this is working out for him. Look for my new show next fall "Black kid moves to Manhattan Beach"
AND HOLY SHIT did this movie have it all. Kevin McCallister lived in a castle with his own roller coaster, a person launcher and A MOTHERFUCKING McDONALDS! It was every middle class kid's dream. And the comic relief of this flick! When he tries to bet the poor kids $10,000 he can't hit a home run off them and then does it anyway? It's an allegory about the rich staying rich and keeping the poor people down.
If this movie ran into any problems at all it was the flimsy "missing parents" subplot. All I really wanted was an extended episode of Cribs. Can we explore this McDonalds more? Does it have a dollar menu, or is it like one of the shitty airport McD's with the elevated prices. Ha, it doesn't matter! He's fucking rich! After seeing this movie I begged my dad to build me a roller coaster. Honestly, I didn't even care if it was shitty, one inverted loop would suffice. Come on Dad. Oh we can't afford it? I bet we could if you worked harder. Seriously, go into the office this weekend, I won't miss you at my little league game.
8. Blank Check (1994) 13%
A critic said: "One of the worst films to pass itself off as family entertainment features a flirtatious woman, a rich kid no one questions, and a brutal series of gags." - Felix Vasquez
A critic said: "One of the worst films to pass itself off as family entertainment features a flirtatious woman, a rich kid no one questions, and a brutal series of gags." - Felix Vasquez
And speaking of middle class dreams, my God did anything make my pre-pubescent dick harder than watching Preston Meyers aka Mr. Macintosh build a god damn water slide from his room to his pool? Nope, nothing.
One of the main knocks on this movie is that he spent WAY more than a million dollars, that house alone should have put him over the top. However, allow me to educate you for a moment. Most of you, my readers, are wealthy, or at least your parents are. You grew up in rich suburbs of major metropolitan areas across the country.
Blank Check is set in Indiana, in a small town no less. In a small town in Indiana you can buy a mansion for about $60,000. Hell in the mid 90's you could get a house on the water in Geist for about $300,000. Every condo I have lived in post college has been more valuable than the 5 bedroom house I grew up in, because in Indiana everything is cheap. I think the movie took place in Ft. Wayne (filmed in Austin, TX by the way) so that castle would have probably cost about 400k, another hundred for the Go Kart track, water slide and we'll set aside another 200 grand for the assorted TV's, video games, toys, clothes he bought. That leaves $300,000 for that party he threw at the end and whatever he was paying his limo driver. I mean it was a big party, but nothing over a quarter million, unless they were putting 8 balls in all the goody bags.
Ok, I did some further research and according to Maxim I was a little off on my numbers. How could I have forgotten about the human bowling, or the GIANT BUCKET of ice cream. And the Aerotrim? What the fuck is that? Looks like primitive Zorbing, something that you should never do in Russia.
7. A Kid in King Arthur's Court (1995) 5%
A Critic Said: "It's a missed opportunity for introducing the Mortal Kombat generation to medieval combat that was really mortal." - Carrie Rickey (apparently Carrie wanted MORE FATALITIES)
Thomas Ian Nicholas, a man with three names, really enjoyed a strong transition from child star to fourth billed bro in a moderately popular franchise. I mean we can all admit that he is the least compelling character in the American Pie movies right? Then again, he does get the secret book from Casey Affleck that teaches him how to eat Tara Reid's box, so I suppose he was essential to the plot.
More on Thomas later. Let's discus the forgotten classic, A Kid in King Arthur's Court.
First of all...the cast is unreal. We have Hans from the Mighty Ducks playing Merlin. The aforementioned Tommy Nicholas basically playing (another) Little League baseball player who falls through the earth after taking a called third strike (foreshadowing that he was destined to be a Major League pitcher?)
And in Merlin-Land we get James Fucking Bond, in an obscure supporting role and Kate Winslet pre Titanic nudity playing a princess, but not the main one.
All that talent and this movie could only muster a pathetic 5% on the tomatometer? How could this be?
Well, first this poor kid from Reseda (I love that in the 80's and 90's if you needed to depict a working class youth it was Reseda, such great Valley Shaming) twice uses a Sony Discman to defeat an opponent: once by amplifying rock music and scaring him, the other by using the laser of the disc reader to temporarily blind him. He then wins over the princess by inventing roller blades and bicycles and taking her on killer dates.
Just watch the trailer. Go to 1:48 for a nut shot, these were compulsary in 90's flicks.
6. Dunston Checks In/Ed/RocketMan (1996/1996/1997) 6%/0%/24%
A critic said: You know what...fuck the critics, all monkey movies are great, even Congo.
Sorry, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't choose just one film with a monkey actor from the 90's. I don't know what it is about a monkey adorably causing hijinks amid nut shots and fart jokes. I will never not think that is funny. Instead of critiquing the films, let's do a monkey by monkey breakdown.
THE TALE OF THE TAPE
Dunston Checks in:
Monkey name: Dunston
Type: Orangutan
Special Skill: Jewel Thief
Human Pals: Jason Alexander and the little kid from The Santa Claus
Special note: There is a scene where Dunston pushes Faye Dunaway (hotel owner) into a very large cake. Faye Dunaway has an Oscar. This movie features a cameo by Peewee Herman
Ed:
Monkey name: Ed
Type: Chimpanzee
Special Skill: Plays Baseball
Human Pal: Joey from friends
Special note: There is a scene where Ed is about to die, but Matt LeBlanc leaves the team in the middle of a baseball game to give Ed his glove. Ed inexplicably recovers. I remembered this scene after my grandma had a heart attack and put a present that she had given me on her bed at the hospital, no such luck.
RocketMan:
Monkey Name: Ulysses
Type: Chimpanzee
Special Skill: Astronaut
Human Pal: Harland Williams (one of the stoners from half baked)
Special Note: This movie was written by one of the hosts of the Script Notes podcast. So all you aspiring writers out there, just know you are taking advice from the guy that is responsible for all of this.
As much as I love animals playing sports, Ed isn't even the best. That honor would go to Air Bud (whom conveniently excels at like 17 sports bc Direct to DVD sequels are cash cows for Disney) Dunston narrowly edges out Ulysses because Dunston's movie poster looks like this...
5. Little Big League (1994) 33%
A critic said: "Forgettable in every way. The kids-in-big-leagues theme is thankfully dead for now." - Phil Villareal
There is nothing better than a real sports cameo in a fake movie. But I have to admit, when Ken Griffey Jr robbed Lou's home run at the end of the game, I turned on Griffey forever. What a dick.
So what do we have here? Oh another 12 year old fantasy come true! A struggling single mom raises her middle school son and then one day Grandpa dies and leaves the Minnesota Twins to his grandson, 12 year old grandson instantly installs himself as head coach. If Jerry Jones ever sees this movie, the Cowboys are fucked.
A 12 year old thus travels on the road with the team, becomes friends with the players, watches soft core porn in hotel rooms, hijinks ensue. Here are a few questions I have about this movie.
1. If your grandfather owns a professional sports franchise, I doubt he would allow his daughter (your mom) to work as a waitress and live in a one bedroom house struggling to raise her son. I mean I know baseball franchises weren't selling for BILLIONS 20 years ago, but pappy had a nice chunk of change, all the sports franchise owner offspring I know (like 3 people) have trust funds in seven figures.
2. Likewise, the B story of this movie is Billy Heywood (great baseball name) trying to help his two buddies build a little boat, so they can take hot chicks out on the lake and presumably have an orgy. These friends quickly turn on him because he misses multiple boat building appointments. However, if I ever have a good friend who like inherits the Chicago Blackhawks, I would let him pee on me whenever he wants. As long as it gets me good seats. And also, what kind of father runs away from a wife who is heir to the Minnesota Twins??? At least wait til she gets the team, THEN divorce and take half. Anyway back to the boat, Billy should have told his homies to fuck themselves and bought a yacht.
When I was 12 years old I still thought I had a decent shot at going pro in baseball. I was probably the best hitter in my league, though I struggled to catch pop-ups. The best pitcher in my league plays for the Nationals, but I washed out of baseball before high school even started, because there are the types of kids who love getting up at 6am on Saturdays to take batting practice and the kids that hold it against their dads for not letting them sit in the basement and play Goldeneye. I was the latter. Now my only hope for involvement in pro sports is for me to inherit a team from an unknown relative. Come on Dodgers.
4. Rookie of the Year (1993) 39%
A critic said: "Above average baseball yarn with director Stern and friends paying homage to their beloved Cubbies." - Michael A Smith (love the positivity Michael)
Ahh, it's our buddy Tommy Nicholas again. This time instead of living out the 12 year old as Owner/Coach fantasy we have a 12 year old as a pitcher, FOR THE CUBS. And in the most Cubsiest thing of all time, he is discovered when (after his broken arm heals poorly causing it to snap down at super human speed) he throws a frozen rope to home plate after a visitor hits a home run in the bleachers. I mean think about that. You have 1. The bleachers 2. Throwing an opponent's home run ball back onto the field 3. A team so bad that the GM says FIND ME THAT KID AND SIGN HIM.
Hilarity ensues.
Sidenote: Thomas Ian Nicholas throws out a first pitch at a Cubs game once every couple of years and then does the whole Take me out to the Ball Game thing during the 7th inning stretch. He is always completely bombed. Apparently he doesn't act much anymore, does a little producing and directing but mostly plays in his band. Check out his most recent effort, in honor of the 20th anniversary of the movie, he floated it. STILL GOT IT. This guy has the life. But back to the movie!
Daniel Stern plays a pitching coach with a knack for getting caught in confined spaces and a not yet crazy Gary Busey plays the mentor to young Henry Rowengartner and love interest for his single mother. (Single moms was a big thing for 90's sports movies...presumably so she could fall in love with the male coach/mentor/star) So young Henry plays for the cubs and becomes their ace pitcher, but at the end of the season with a playoff berth on the line, Henry slips on a fucking rosin bag and has to get 3 outs in the bottom of the 9th without his super strong arm.
So how does he do it you ask?
1. Hidden Ball Trick
2. Baiting a runner into stealing second via "chicken bawk bawk bawkkkkk"
3. An Eephus pitch (think slow pitch softball)
The Cubs win the pennant. Henry's mom has sex with Gary Busey and Henry goes back to being a mediocre little league player. The crazy connection with A Kid in King Arthur's Court and Rookie of the Year. They both feature the same actor playing in a little league game when something crazy happens that begins a journey, and at the end of the journey he is unchanged except by being marginally better at baseball. I'd like to hear that pitch meeting...
"So this poor kid like strikes out ALL the time, ya? And then he like goes to medieval times or plays for the Cubs or some shit and at the end his journey he has learned to take the outside pitch to the opposite field."
"We'll need a washed up player to have sex with his mom..."
"How about Busey!!!!"
"Haha YES! Let's do some lines!"
"YES, UTAHHHHH GIMMIE TWO!"
To be a writer in the 90's...
3. Heavyweights (1995) 29%
A critic said: "The first American movie to explore the link between processed cheese and the need for love. A Hamburglar Joint."- Martin Scribbs (A Spike Lee reference in a movie review about Disney fat kids...interesting)
People tend to think that Judd Apatow's rise to fame started with Freaks and Geaks or Undeclared. However, you would have to go six years prior to discover the genius film Heavyweights. Heavy Weights is about a bunch of fat kids going to a camp where they would maybe drop a pound or two but more importantly have an awesome summer making tons of new friends.
ENTER BEN STILLER. In what may be his most entertaining role to date, Ben Stiller destroys all of the fun of the camp and sets out to MAKE THOSE FAT FUCKS SKINNY. He's like Jillian Michaels from Biggest Loser but possessed by the devil.
Honestly, I didn't much care for this movie when I was a child, because I didn't like fat people. I couldn't empathize with their plight. I thought, hey maybe they should send these kids to a regimented internment camp, then in the fall they will be skinnier and better at sports. Girls might talk to them. In fact I personally preferred 1994's Camp Nowhere, where the kids ran the camp and anarchy reigned!
But then when Ben Stiller ordered the destruction of the blob, I turned on him. The Blog was this giant sack of air that you would jump onto and then bounce into the lake. I have spent all of my life post 1995 in search of such a contraption with no such luck to date. If ANYONE finds this, alert me immediately. I will book a one way flight today. And then never leave.
I forget how the movie ends, I think they tie up Ben Stiller and his evil sidekick Lars and then go challenge the athletic summer camp to a sports challenge or something, which of course the fat kids win, because it's a movie and it's fake. Fun note: Paul Feig (director of Bridesmaids et al) is featured in a rare acting role as the nice skinny counselor Tim!
2. Tom and Huck (1995) 25%
A critic said: "Long, tirelessly epic tale of TeenBeat cover boys. Little girls scream, critics fall asleep." - Michael Clawson
Long before Brad Renfro overdosed on heroin and JTT found out live as a 5'4" male is rough, these two were 90's heart throbs. Like they were the Harry Styles and 2010 Justin Bieber (before everyone had turned on him) but that's not even fair comparison. These two (well at least JTT) was bigger. Every girl had him plastered on the wall above her bed. If a picture of these two taking selfies of their dongs were to leak it would have been bigger than THE FAPPENING. Every 14 year old girl would have been asking their parents for rides to the ghetto mall, because you know that one had a store that sold sex toys cheap JTT posters.
But 1995 was a more innocent time, there were no cell phone cameras, alas Brad Renfro could snort whatever he wanted at any Hollywood party and not worry about who was taking pictures of it. And there were no internet forums discussing JTT's "true height" they could cast short actresses and put him on lifts and as long as you didn't see him at brunch outside the Ivy you would be none the wiser.
But the movie, I believe borrows more from the Tom Sawyer story as opposed to Huck Finn (which Disney had made 2 years prior with Elijah Wood) thus Tom (played by JTT) is the hero in this film. The movie revolves around his antics with Huck trying to retrieve some sort of treasure stolen by the evil "Injun Joe" but at the same time try to kiss a pre 'She's All That' Rachel Leigh Cook. Both noble endeavors. Two scenes to me stick out.
1. When Tom is sneaking out of his house, he puts a tarantula on his sister and says if she moves or says a word it will attack her. Remember 90's obsession with spiders? Especially tarantulas? They were like the collective number one fear. No one is afraid of spiders anymore, in a post 9/11 world, we are more afraid of WMDs.
2. There is a scene in which Tom is watching his own funeral (is this validation that this is a fantasy for everyone?) because he has been missing and is now presumed dead. Becky (RLC, Tom's crush) says I wish I could just see him one more time, I would kiss him right here in front of everyone. Hearing this, Huck pushes Tom off the balcony that they are watching the funeral from. He crash lands in front of Becky and instead of kissing him, she punches him in the face. CLASSIC ROLE REVERSAL.
1. Air Bud (1997) 45%
A Critic said: "Air Bud may be bland, but it's also offensive." - Maria Garcia (To who? Clowns? Dogs? NBA players turned janitors?
Quick trivia, what is the most prolific film series of all time? Hint: I alluded to it already early on this list.
Come on you can do it...6 different actors have played the lead.
It's been more than 25 movies over 50ish years...
Give up?
James Bond.
That said, I suspect the Air Bud series is close with THIRTEEN fucking movies. You ready for them?
Air Bud
Air Bud: Golden Receiver
Air Bud: World Pup
Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch
Air Bud: Spikes Back (Beach volleyball? REALLY?)
Air Buddies (Ok so now there are two of them playing basketball)
Snow Buddies (Now they're...playing in the snow?)
Space Buddies
Santa Buddies
The Search for Santa Paws (A follow up to Santa buddies?)
Spooky Buddies
Treasure Buddies
Santa Paws 2: The Santa Pups (If you weren't paying attention we now have a spin-off trilogy contained within a 13 part series)
Super Buddies (In which we started at an abused dog that played basketball, we now have dog superheroes...that is a very thin through line...but fuck it, I'm in)
Fun note: There are also thirteen Land Before Time movies. Perhaps I should stop writing coming of age dramedy and write like a low budget sequel to My Dog Skip.
But I digress. Air Bud is about...YOU GUESSED IT! A struggling single mom and her despondent son (Josh) who move to a new town in the wake of the father's untimely death. Josh is slow to make friends but meets a stray dog, Buddy, who can play basketball. Against her better judgment, Josh's mom let's him keep Buddy.
Josh decides to be the basketball team water boy because he lacks the confidence to try out for the team. But after the coach is fired for abusing players and 2 kids quit the team, Buddy and Josh join the squad, now led by the newly promoted janitor Bill Cobbs, who turns out to be a former New York Knick...because A. Every movie in the 90's needed a wise black janitor and B. A high school janitor is a normal post NBA career move.
Air Bud leads the team to victory but his true owner, a drunk and creepy clown, eventually finds out about Buddy's talent and wants to exploit it for financial gain. The climax of the movie takes place in a HEATED court room setting in which the judge tells the dog to decide who he wants to live with. I would hope this has stuck as legal precedent in canine custody hearings. Buddy chooses Josh and everyone lives happily ever after except for Air Buddy the dog, who died of cancer shortly after the film's release.
I don't know why we live in a world now where animals doing stuff that humans do isn't good enough anymore. Our obsession with kids living out obnoxious fantasies has been replaced with hyper realistic portrayals of the tragedy that is the human experience. I blame the terrorists, 9/11 didn't just rob us of thousands of lives and our collective feeling of safety, they also robbed us of our innocence. But then again, the highest grossing movie of the year featured a talking tree, a ill tempered raccoon and a 70's obsessed protagonist named Star-Lord...so hey, maybe we're on our way back.
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