Get off your Fucking Soapbox

"Learn to spell before telling me what to do!"

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Unfortunately, in the internet social media age we life in, these opinions are much more accessible than they once were. Microblogging site such as Twitter and Facebook have become spawning grounds for social outrage. The sports and entertainment blogs that I once cherished for my special interest news have become home to social justice crusading thinkpieces about everything that is wrong with the things I love. Well I'm fucking over it. I realize that I choose to watch certain programs, consume certain content, but am I supposed to avoid the internet completely? How else will I know who can and cannot shed baby fat? How will I find out what celebrity died? Most importantly how can I scoff about "OH GREAT YOU'RE ENGAGED! GOOD FOR YOU!"

The point is, a certain amount of media consumption at this point is unavoidable, so the last thing left to do is humbly plea that everyone shut the fuck up about how they feel on these oh so pressing issues that are affecting society as we know it.

On the celebrity nude photo hacking scandal...
Oh it's not a scandal it's a crime? Then find the guy responsible, throw him in jail and shut the fuck up!

I am not going to take the conservative Fox and Friends approach and say some contrived shit like "If you don't want naked photos to leak, don't take naked photos." THIS IS AN OPINION FREE ZONE, I feel like you should do whatever the fuck you feel like. But know this...sure there is a reasonable expectation that private photos should stay private and not be exposed to the public; but let's talk a little bit more about that reasonable expectation.

There is a reasonable expectation of the following:
- That your plane will not crash
- That you will not be hit and killed by a drunk driver when going to McDonald's at noon
- That a church gargoyle will not fall on you in downtown Chicago.
- That a falling tree won't smash you to death while on a bike ride in Chicago.
- That you won't be stabbed to death when walking through your neighborhood.

But you know what? Shit happens. These are just the realities of the world we live in. I wish we lived in a world where planes never crashed and the fucking gargoyles didn't fall out of the sky (but seriously, blame it on the bad guy from Hunchback of Notre Dame) <---seriously click="" p="" that.="">Hell, I wish that Back to the Future was a documentary. But time travel isn't real and sometime shitty things happen to nice people, sometimes it's an accident, sometimes there is malice involved.

I have sent and received nude photos. Millions of people have. And most people won't have their phones hacked, and those photos will stay private forever. But as long as there are attractive celebrities out there taking nude pictures, there will be a million nerds doing their best to expose them, and there is no amount of moral shaming that will ever make them stop, so just give it a rest. And if you looked at the naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, you're not a bad person, OMG MOCKING PEOPLE THAT LOOK AT CELEB NUDES IS THE NEW SLUT SHAMING!

On Ray Rice and domestic violence...
Why did he hit her? Why was he only suspended 2 games? Why did she stay? THE NFL HATES WOMEN! It's none of your damn business why she stayed, so SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Let's throw this out there, Ray Rice is a dick. I can't imagine ever hitting a woman, if I'm an NFL player and my fiance spits on me, I probably break up with her and wish her a happy life of NOT being a millionaire. But apparently these idiots just can't help themselves.

Did you hear about some of these clowns? One of the NFL guys currently in the middle of the legal process, beat his wife with the seat of the toilet bowl, mashed her on the sink and then threw her onto a couch full of automatic weapons. It was basically like the opening to Casino Royale. But nothing will likely come of it because there is no video.

This is not the point. The point is, Ray Rice hit his wife, got caught, and now his career is over. Why Janay Rice pleaded with cops to drop charges is irrelevant, that has nothing to do with victim blaming or Stockholm Syndrome, maybe her husband just had a bad night and she was trying to make sure his net worth stayed in excess of $40 million dollars. Maybe she knew what she was doing and doesn't need your #whyILeft or #whyIStayed campaign. Violence against women is despicable, but so is shoving your fucking nose in someone else's lives.

And where is all your outrage when an NFL player gets arrested for this like once a week? Or do you need the video. What would happen if a video surfaced now of Vick blowing a puppy's head off with a shotgun? What if a video surfaced of Manziel ripping hundreds of lines off of hookers' tits?

And the whole back lash of THE NFL KNEW!!! THEY HATE WOMEN! THEY JUST DON'T CARE. I'VE BEEN LIED TO! Well first of all, the NFL doesn't owe you shit. They put your favorite sport on TV for 10 hours every Sunday and give you an excuse to drink. You would still watch football is people started dropping dead from concussions in the middle of games. The truth of the matter is, I've never heard of an NFL player leaving prison on Sundays on a work release to play a home game. So maybe the American justice system has a problem with domestic violence. Just get this fucking discussion off of Deadspin. You know, Goodell probably did see that video before he gave the 2 game suspension, but what the fuck did you think happened in that elevator? They mutually masturbated and then she slipped on his jizz? Janay Rice is sorry she wore heels with bad traction. Come the fuck on man.

On racism in the NBA and otherwise...
Sterling is a racist, Bruce Levenson is a racist...OR IS HE? OR DID HE STAGE RACISM to drive up the value of his team quickly in the event of a fire sale!!!?! Who fucking cares, shut up about it.

Donald Sterling had a track record for being a big piece of shit, but the thing that took him down was a private conversation (BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY) I guess it doesn't matter when everyone already hates you, but the NEW buzz is that the owner of the Atlanta Hawks sent a RACIST email that said essentially the following:

I'm not afraid of black people, but most southern whites are. There are a ton of black people at our games, they hang at the bar, don't bring their families, don't spend a lot on merchandise and cheer quieter than white people. I think we should stop playing rap, make some of the cheerleaders white and stop giving away so many free tickets in poor neighborhoods, this should positively impact our bottom line.

Frank? Sure! Sound business? Maybe. Racist? DOESN'T MATTER!

Here is the thing about racism. It sucks, but fortunately it will likely fade from society as old people die out. Frank? Sure. AGEIST? MAYBE!

Look fuck this guy's email. It does not impact you. Even if you are a black man from Atlanta, he didn't propose pricing out the lower class, he didn't propose an Apartheid seating chart. This guy wanted less rap and a few white cheerleaders. So I suppose the people impacted by this email are like the 10th, 11th and 12th best cheerleaders on the minority heavy squad who will be replaced by white girls. I will allow their complaints.

And for you conspiracy theorists out there that think this is a trick to drive up the value of the team. I ask, were you going to buy the Atlanta Hawks at a 500m price tag, but now that it may creep closer to a billion are you not interested? No? The shut the fuck up.

On Michael Sam getting cut because he was gay...
Oh wait, he landed on a practice squad and now it's not a hip thing to complain about anymore? Great moving on.

Conclusion:
There are shitty things that happen to good people, and when they happen to you. I invite you to bitch. But when you are a passive observer? I don't need your input.

Are you a white Columbia grad student living in Brooklyn, weighing in on racism in Atlanta? DON'T; SHUT THE FUCK UP. If there is one thing I don't need, it's an ultra educated urban male complaining about the plight of the African American.

Are you a gay woman that writes for Jezebel and thinks that we should boycott football in support of Janay Rice? NOPE NOPE NOPE. Spend your time bitching about the parking situation in Nob Hill. If I want to know why Janay Rice stayed with her abusive boyfriend I'll fire out a tweet to @Janay_Rice.

Are you a transgender pre-op black woman in St. Louis that thinks looking at nude leaks is the new bullying? SHUT UP. FEMALE NUDE LEAKS DON'T AFFECT YOU. IN FACT, you probably can't wait to send pictures of your brand new black cock once you transition to life as a man.

Lastly, are you a white gay college football player at Fresno State who still thinks Michael Sam was undervalued? Did you see how fucking bad the Cowboys defense was? He'll be starting week 3.

The take away is, I don't want to hear any more about your faux fucking outrage. Why Donald Sterling hates black people is his business. If I want a reaction to Donald Sterling's racist tendencies I will ask Chris Paul, not Peter in Houston who posts a combination of kittens and Pro-Russia propaganda to his Pinterest page.

If I want to know about Free Israel I'll ask Donald Sterling and Bruce Levinson (OH GOD HE INSINUATED THAT JEWS HATE THE BLACKS)

Worry about yourself and get off your fucking soap box, the world is a much more interesting place when you are speaking from your heart and your personal experiences. Having a black friend or liking Beyonce's music doesn't qualify you to speak about the plight of a black youth in America. Save your thoughts on Ferguson. Just because you have a sister doesn't qualify you to talk about celebrity nude scandals. No one gives a shit about pictures of your sister, she has zero oscars (wait does someone have a picture of that dude's sister naked? Text me)

The internet is both a blessing and a curse, it is a forum for art and creativity, progressive discussion and new ideas. You're better than just being a sheep bitching about the scandals of the day and trying to prove your moral superiority. Do something different, you're better than that.