Third Wave Hipsterism: Bro Core

Hipsters

If you aren't a pretentious mega-douche such as myself, I wouldn't necessarily expect you to know what "third wave" means. See for years there have been these people with opinions and what not ill content with the status quo. Invariably these causes are turned into "-isms." For explanations' sake let's use feminism as an example.

Feminism is of course the advocacy for women's rights and the advancement of strong independent women. Or something like that, I have only a cursory knowledge on the topic after a few Jezebel hate reads.

Second wave feminism (or post-feminism) says something like "yay we won the war, more women are in positions of power than ever and there is actually a disproportionate amount of women seeking post graduate degrees, this is awesome!"

Then there is the Third Wave. The radical voice that says "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU? WE DIDN'T WIN SHIT! NOT UNTIL THERE IS A LESBIAN PRESIDENT AND MEN HAVE BEEN ERADICATED FROM THE PLANET WILL WE BE AT PEACE."

Again, cursory knowledge. I don't really know anyone like this personally, but I hear an Orange is the New Black writer dumped her husband to start fucking one of the lesbians from the show. I bet that person is the third wave feminist hero.

But this is not an entry about women or men. It's about fashion.

Yep...fucking FASHION.

Many of you assume that since I prance around in pink polo shorts, H&M v-necks and Rainbows that I have no sense of fashion and am secretly gay.

You would be INCORRECT. I just have a nose for what will be cool in the future.

Right now according to my friends in the know, there is something going on called NORM-CORE in fashion. This is in a sense a type of post-hipsterism. Basically there must have been a few kids in Brooklyn who were like, holy shit, I can't believe the whole skinny jeans, plaid and beards thing went  mainstream. Now in an effort to rebel they are dressing...NORMAL.

Wait a second? Are you saying that hipsters have become anti hipster to reject the mainstreaming of hipster culture by wearing crew neck shirts from the Gap and Abercrombie jeans?

That is exactly what I'm saying. But the problem is, this is becoming normalized behavior. "Norm Core" is already a thing that people talk about. And while your dad might be able to get away with wearing Dockers and an Izod sweater, your neighbor that just shaved his beard and started shopping at Esprit. He has been exposed, so it's only a matter of time for the third wave hipsters to do something drastic, and since dressing like a homeless person and dressing like a 40 year old from Pittsburgh have already been tried, there is only one thing left to do...

BRO CORE.

That's right, third wave hipsterism is going to force these 3rd generation hippies to become the thing that they most hate. Popped collars worn unironically coming to a fraternity near you AND all of the shitty music venues in Silver Lake. Williamsburg will reign supreme in Sperry's no socks, and Martha's Vineyard will not be the only place to see Vineyard Vines oxfords tucked into 5 inch inseam chino shorts.

You know the look. It's the fashion of not giving a fuck. Buying shots at the bars for all of your bros and bitches, because fuck it...my dad owns a dealership. It is white privilege at its best/worst. People that dress like this have trust funds. People that dress like this have sex with rich white girls without condoms because STDs are for poor people and all sorority girls are on birth control.

UNTIL NOW!

A massive paradigm shift is among us. There will be so many black people trading in their Dope Couture snap backs for tucked in solid color polos that you will think Kanye West released The College Dropout 2, and in their adoption of frat bro culture they will simultaneously discover hockey and lacrosse...and dominate.

Women will line up in droves to set fire to their high waisted denim, it will be like a good old fashioned Nazi book burning! They will start dressing like Marisa Cooper before she died on the OC and her acting career faded and she got fat.

...and the bro tanks. Oh god will there be bro tanks. Just because all of the hipsters will have adopted a uniform preppy dress code does not mean expressionism is dead. You know how at a college football tailgate each frat has a witty bro tank. "Keep Calm and Tau on" you know, some bullshit like that? Well just imagine how many clever tanks there will be when an entire sub-culture of millions is cranking these out. #SurfboarT OMG look at that tank, it's a Beyonce reference!

But see hipsterism reaches beyond just the thin grasps of fashion, it's an entire movement, every facet of society will feel its impact.

For example...the arts. You like Georgia O'Keefe's abstract vagina paintings? NOPE! Bros like Bob Marley posters and panoramics of Wrigley Field.

On Music...you like that acoustic folk rock shit where people say "ho" and "hey?" NOPE! Bros like dub step and rap, only because it feels really good to not censor the N words when you KNOW there are no black people around.

On film...You like independent family dramas featuring an autistic yet precocious teen forging a friendship with a much older woman? FUCK THAT. TWO WORDS. Buddy. Comedy. Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, drug jokes, nudity, PROFIT.

On television Entourage will of course be picked up for another 12 seasons, because SUNDAY NIGHTS YOOOOOO. We're getting high after chapter to see what Vinny and the boys are up to this week!

Aside from fashion and the arts I imagine mandatory pubic waxing will re-enter the void. There will be a shift from marijuana and heroin to cocaine and molly (and I guess marijuana too. See we're not all that different!) In fact Colombia will become the wealthiest nation in the Western world due to the sudden craving of eight balls. PBR will be replaced by Keystone Light and veganism will die as people adopt an all-Chipotle and delivery pizza diet. There will be a government mandated siesta from 6pm-9pm so everyone can dip and play video games. Oh, and people don't smoke American spirits anymore or roll their own...P funks only. America's tagline will probably read USA: ZERO FUCKS.

But such as the cyclical nature of life, this cannot go on forever. Fundamental questions must be raised. How will you be able to tell the difference between reel bros and hipster bro poseurs? At first you won't, but then the think pieces will start cropping up. Then TMZ will run headline: BIEBER CLAIMS TO HAVE BEEN WEARING SEERSUCKER FOR YEARS, next to a time stamped photo of dropcrotch sweatpants July 2014.

And as soon as it arrived, third wave hipsterism; Bro Core will collapse upon itself, leaving every closet full of theme party garb that they no longer have use for.

So what happens next? After the collapse of bro core is there a fourth wave? Do the true hipsters start dressing like homeless people again? Maybe they take it a step further and CHOOSE to be homeless, it seems to be working for this guy. That would fit into the time is a flat circle, blah blah history will always repeat thing. But I have another theory. I think after the collapse of bro core. After a long and bitter war of exposing the frauds vs the OG bros, the TRUE trendcasters and purveyors of cool will just decide that they are just too awesome for this world and commit a large ritualistic suicide, you know just to make a statement. Nothing is hipper than offing yourself man.

Or you know...maybe they will develop a sense of self and stop chasing the next big thing. Trying to stay ahead of the curve just sounds exhausting.