If you argue this you're missing the point. The entire story is not about some crazy everyman wizard that saves the world. It is a character study on the parallel paths traveled by he and Voldemort, the difference being Harry refusing to break bad.
Some of you may find this admirable, I find it very...Gryffindor.
See while people like Daniel-san were crane kicking the fuck out of Cobra Kai and absconding with Billy Zabka's girlfriend and a sports car, Harry was just taking it right in the ass from the likes of Dudley, The Malfoys, Crabbe and Goyle.
Even though he was the LeBron James of casting spells, he rarely acted on his impulses. No, Harry was the type that would not step on the enemies throat when he had them against the ropes, he would refrain from delivering the death blow...and for what? Seven books later basically everyone around him is dead and he is married to his poor friend's mediocre looking sister.
Never marry a poor girl, it means you get a shitty wedding that you pay for and a domestic honeymoon…this is true even in the wizarding world. And sure, Harry Potter fucked up his rivals once in a while, but it was never quite cathartic enough. Harry should have gone full Brad Pitt on Malfoy in the first book, put him on his knees and shoot him in the face. It would have saved me a lot of stress and it would have saved the world from Tom Felton's acting career.
And remember that wench Bellatrix LeStrange? She killed Sirius Black and Dobby. Well Harry should've thrown her into a meat pie furnace right away. Think of how much death and agony this could have prevented.
But he didn't because Harry is a bit of a beta…just like most things Gryffindor.
So it may come as no surprise that Gryffindor comes in a solid third in my HP house power ranking. Sure they tried hard, and they won the Quidditch cup a couple times, but at their core, they were a bunch of do-good try hards. It was a rag tag group made up of a ginger, a nerd and an orphan.They give exceptional effort and really care about each other, but deep down they know they'll always be in third place.
A lot like UTA.
UNITED TALENT AGENCY
Founded 1991
Important people: Jim Berkus and Peter Benedek, founders. Jeremy Zimmer CEO.
Sample client list:
Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Harrison Ford, Skylar Astin, Daniel Radcliffe (and more)
Strength: MP lit (Wes Anderson, Alfonso Cuaron, Judd Apatow, Coen Bros)
UTA is not a bad talent agency. Lots of my friends work there, I admire many UTA clients. When it comes to writer/directors, it is absolutely a murderers' row.
But the problem is, auteurs are not your 'A' team. You can easily see the filmmaking team of Lee Jordan and Dean Thomas writing a coming of age film about the plight of black half-blood wizards, they might even win a Woscar (Wizarding Oscar...patent pending) but in original screenplay, not even universally considered a major award.
Furthermore, you get the feeling that at least on the talent side, UTA's client list has their best behind them. Johnny Depp is riding a string of bombs and is dressing up as a wolf in a musical in an attempt to break the curse. Harrison Ford keeps cranking out sequels to movies that were big in the 70s and 80s. Daniel Radcliffe can't buy a hit and Angelina Jolie seems to be going down a path where she might become more famous for directing and being married to Brad Pitt than for having ever been a great actress. (Was she a great actress or did I just really enjoy her Lara Croft outfit?)
The point is, they have all peaked. With the exception of a few (Cumberbatch, Astin, Rogen...who is really more of a writer now anyway) they skew old and are riding past successes. The same can be said of Ron, Harry and Hermione. Sure, it's tough to have a solid follow up to preventing the genocide of a race of people. (Wait a second, was the entire HP an allegory for the Holocaust? Germans = Pure blood? How am I just realizing this) But you kind of get the feeling that the rest of their lives, they are going to be content to be average.
Like Gryffindor, UTA promotes altruistic endeavors, like the UTA job list.
The UTA job list is a sham. But it purports that anyone can apply for a job in entertainment and get it, regardless of their blood status. This is untrue, no one has ever received an interview based on the UTA job list...that is, except for an interview in the UTA mailroom. They are accepting, they are nice, everyone is welcome and you just kind of get the idea that UTA peeps are more likely to throw out Expelliarmus than say Imperio.
And depending who you are, you may view that as their greatest asset or largest detriment.
And while the mantra of UTA has always been we will go the extra mile for our client, we appreciate you...here is a nice cheese basket for your first day of shooting on your new show, the opposite can be said of CAA...
Creative Artists Agency
Founded: 1975
Important People: Richard Lovett, President.
Sample Clients: I think all of The Avengers, Peyton Manning, David Beckham
Strengths: All but especially in Talent and Sports
A bunch of CAA assistants are probably high fiving each other right now and snickering as they read this, because a greater compliment cannot be bestowed upon them. They are the embodiment of evil, their fucking office building is called death star.
But you know what? These guys get shit done. They're unquestionably the best, most ruthless agency in the business, often resorting to mafiaesque intimidation tactics to get their way.
"Look you're going to put my client in this movie or I am going to fuck your wife, release a sex tape of your daughter and expose you as gay." This is how Lily Collins has a career. At CAA they're not happy to have you as a client, you are happy to have them, and if you even think about leaving for a smaller upstart agency where you think you might get a little more attention, they will not hesitate to do this...
Honestly CAA is like a bunch of sociopathic Patrick Batemans, feeding cats to ATMs and stabbing to death homeless men because they smell bad. But their agents are among the most powerful people in Hollywood, and unlike UTA's open arms policy, CAA is invite only. You are only getting promoted there if you are a shark that can get shit done or you have pure entertainment blood coursing through your veins (I don't even think you can sleep your way to the top there)
Similarly, Slytherin holds a take no prisoners attitude. Sure they worship a dark lord that resembles Hitler (my God they even made Slytherins look Aryan) and they don't mind a little first degree murder now and again, but let's be honest, these people have risen to the top of their industry. Slytherins possess nearly all of the wealth and power in the wizarding universe because they aren't afraid to get their hands dirty and they mate for breeding purposes like they are trying to spawn a champion racehorse or something.
I don't necessarily think that CAA's clients represent this kind of behavior, however I do think they are the type that are willing to look the other way to get what they want.
And let's be honest, would you really be surprised if it came out years from now that Peyton accidentally killed a hooker and got his CAA agent to clean it up in exchange for 20% of that Papa John's money? Ya, I didn't think so.
Oh, and I can totally see RDJ talking to snakes.
Look, Slytherin took a bad beat when Harry and his pesky gang of marauders exposed most of them as deatheaters, and their Quidditch team has been down, but they will rise, no doubt about it. They always do.
William Morris Endeavor
Founded: 2009
Important People: Ari Emmanuel and Patrick Whitesell, Co-CEOs
Sample Clients: The people you listen to when doing drugs
Strength: Music
WME are the cool kids. That's all there is to it. They are attractive, spend their weekends drinking together, doing cocaine and having sex. This is the life you want, but you can't because you aren't cool enough to work at WME.
Bro, Entourage was based on our boss. We rep the NFL, Deadmau5 is playing our holiday party. Life is good.
William Morris Endeavor was formed when the two coolest medium sized agencies in LA (William Morris and Endeavor) merged.
I imagine it went down something like this.
I imagine it went down something like this.
Patrick Whitesell and Ari Emmanuel were at a Tiesto show at Staples Center doing key bumps...
A: Dude, my fucking brother is about to become Mayor of Chicago. My other brother has basically cured cancer. I'm fucking Ari Gold, yet I'm the Black Sheep of the family.
P: I can't feel my face. This guy is fucking amazing.
A: If only I could double the size and awesomeness of my agency and rep a bunch of dudes like this.
P: Dude, I'll call Jim Wiatt, he totally owes me a favor, we'll merge with William Morris, and then force out old Jimmy...he would totally never bro down at a concert with us.
A: Why would he allow something like?
P: We'll let them keep the name or some shit, don't worry it will all work out.
*They aggressively finish the bag*
Not much is known about Ravenclaw, except they were basically sick at everything they did. They were extremely intelligent and cunning, always had a dope Quidditch squad and Cho Chang was a smoke show. I'm pretty sure they preferred to fly a little under the radar so some of their debauchery would go unknown. I would relate this to the hot girls in high school that had a 4.0 and received a full ride to college but partied on the weekends and got stuffed by their Casanova of a boyfriend. That's right, your dream girl is a Ravenclaw.
Again...WME and Ravenclaw are cooler than you.
Once you dig a little deeper it's easy to see that Ravenclaw embraced the creative, albeit potentially in a mind expanding nature. These kids totally smoked pot...here is an example of a riddle the entry portrait once asked Luna.
"Which came first, the Phoenix or the flame?"
"I think the answer is a circle has no beginning."
"Well reasoned. Enter"
Is that not some stoned ass bullshit right there?
Ravenclaw boasted the inventor of Floo Powder, Ignatia Wildsmith; the inventor of the most famous love potions Laverne De Montmorency; and of course the most famed wandmaker of all time Garrick Ollivander. Ravenclaws, like WME liked to have a good time.
Thus it is no surprise that the kids that had it all went Ravenclaw/WME. Sure they could probably have taken the Slytherin/CAA route, but that would be like totally not chill man.
International Creative Management Partners
Founded: 1975
Important People: Who cares
Sample Clients: A bunch of old white dudes that write your favorite tv show.
Strength: TV lit
Look, full disclosure here, I aspire to be a TV writer. You can make a fuck ton of money, it is the one medium where writers are in charge and there is a specific track that once you start on you WILL get to your goal if you possess any modicum of talent and never give up.
But it is not sexy. In fact, TV writers are among the ugliest people working in entertainment. I will likely end up a 50 year old Supervising Producer married to a 38 year old ex-soap opera star and I'm ok with this, because all I really want to do is write, and live on the Venice canals.
Bill Lawrence is a perfect example of the prototypical ICM client. You probably have no idea who he is, but he created Scrubs, Cougar Town, Undateable. He's a fucking machine. By all accounts he is a nice guy and makes good television. But he's not Wes Anderson. In fact, if you have ever seen a TV producer try to make a movie? It's usually pretty ugly.
Earlier this year Matthew Weiner of Mad Men and Sopranos fame made a feature with Owen Wilson, Amy Poehler and Zach Galifianakis. The name of the movie was "Are You Here" it boasts a 7% on Rotten Tomatoes and made about $28. No not million...dollars. It was a complete and utter failure. Even bad asses like David Simon that try their hand at feature directing with the likes of "Not Fade Away" can't avoid the TV to movie mis-step. That movie was widely regarded to have promise wasted with sloppy storytelling.
The point is, there is nothing wrong with TV, but it will never carry the glory of other endeavors. Similarly, the people that represent them are just kind of following a loose set of rules, not really shooting for the stars.
"You know we'll just slog along until we get 4 seasons, sell this show into syndication and make a lot of money." - ICM unofficial motto
Like Hufflepuff, ICM employees are just happy to be here, along for the ride. I imagine some of their agents came out here with other interests and just kind of fell into it, like a mud blood who inexplicably is given wizard powers. They get to go to Hogwarts and hang with Snape just like all the other Slytherins...they may wait around on the Soho House waiting list for a while, but eventually they will get in.
Things could be worse, they could be a Squib (Paradigm/Gersh/Resolution) or just a muggle (everyone else) but they get to come to the table, even if they have to be OK with perennially finishing last. I mean, even the back up Quarterback for the Raiders makes more money than most of the people in this country. And maybe that's enough. I bet ICM employees are married, have good relationships with their kids. They probably maintain one side piece MAX.
Being an agent is soul crushing...there is a lot of responsibility and you behave more or less as a 24 hour lackey to your client, but ICM makes the best of it. They are fiercely loyal and although they will often lose clients to the top 3, they will always try to keep a good attitude about it.
Hufflepuff and ICM might be the bottom dwellers, but they are bottom dwellers in a world that many will not even be privileged enough to join. There is nothing inherently wrong with being hard working, honest and impartial, it just won't take you very far in these worlds...and hey, they'll always have Cedric (even though he is repped by WME)
So there you have it...a definitive list of LA talent agencies and the House of Harry Potter that they match up with. That said I am currently an unsigned writer...I prefer to be a Slytherin CAA, but I will field all phone calls. Avada Kedavra bitches.
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