Last minute Halloween Guide

Obligatory.

It has recently come to my attention that some of my contemporaries are "over" the whole Halloween thing. This has really been eating at me because Halloween is easily one of my favorite holidays. In fact all holidays are my favorite. If you don't like holidays, fuck you.

You got a problem with Columbus because he enslaved indigenous people? Well I think it's nice that a handful of businesses and schools shut down making my Monday morning commute a little easier. You may think that makes me a cold callous person, I contend that it is one man finding a silver lining.

Halloween is not something you get over. It is a lifelong celebration that changes as you age. You get over the flu, you get over an ex, you get over a drug phase or a hentai porn obsession. Dressing up like an idiot and eating candy is timeless.

I may not relate to you the same as I once did. I admittedly see engagement photos on Facebook and immediately think "Glad I hooked up with her when I had the chance" or "Well maybe she's a cheater" and that probably puts me in a different mental state than a lot of you. But one thing I am adept at doing is putting together a last minute party guide as a public service to you. It's my way to give back, and I'm nothing if not selfless. Without further ado, the Single Dude Last Minute Halloween Guide.

Part I. The Costume.
It's Thursday night and you don't have a costume yet (skip to part 2 if you do, or read on for abhorrent suggestions by me) This is not a problem. You're likely going to a different party this year and might work at a different company than you did a year ago. Double down on an old costume. If you were in a frat/sorority you should have a closet jam packed full of random old shit. This should be easy. Just remember three basic principles.

-Will this costume make me sweat? Halloween parties are notorious for getting out of control and we all know what white people like to do when they get drunk. Dance to rap music. You want to be able to go three songs uninterrupted without breaking a sweat. Three songs is how long it usually take to...

-Is my face obscured by this costume? Can you easily execute a dance floor make out in this costume? I mean look, going black face is hilarious, but is a girl going to want to snog you and risk brown paint rubbing off on her cheeks? The same goes for you pirate man with the fake beard, that fake polyester beard will not only make you sweat, but it will be scratchy as shit and probably give you a rash. Nothing wrong with a clean shaven pirate. Remember the "I'm the captain now" guy from Captain Phillips? No beard!

-Is this costume's funny to burden ratio worth it? So you have a giant banana costume in your closet, that's cool, but do you think any girl wants to go home with the giant banana guy? What if a last minute after hours party in the Hills comes into play, can you fit your giant banana ass into an UberX? Often it is best to go with something comfortable and simple. Also, avoid shock. I mean if you wore Groot wearing an Adrian Peterson jersey to my party? I would give you an award. But it's likely to turn more people off than it is to impress people. It's a numbers game, and plus...you may want to wear your costume to work to add further distraction from your already shitty job.

Simple costume suggestions: I always wanted to go with a bunch of buddies as dominos and randomly line up and tip each other over because Domino Rally was the SHIT and all you have to do is draw a couple black dots onto a white shirt AND this is an example of drawing positive attention to yourself. I'm going as a Mormon, that's easy. Wear a tie dye shirt and go as a hippy, just make sure you wear something. Even though it violates everything I said about choosing a costume I'm still most proud of the year I went as an ATO shacker. TAUsome!

Part 2: The Party
You are likely inundated with party invites, or you're just a huge loser! Kidding maybe your friends have kids and they are taking them trick or treating, in which case you need to move to a big city. Going to a bar on Halloween is pretty weak. Going to an event like Halloween Horror Nights or a concert would be cool (Day of the Dead isn't until Saturday though) but your best bet is a house party. The best thing about a house party is there are no rules and you can get recklessly drunk without breaking the bank. But which Halloween party do you go to?

I prefer a party with strong production design personally. Trash bags lining the inside, spray painted with neon and several fog machines. Like some sort of trippy rave or a scary mormon hell dream. Ya, that's what I want. Of course, you should go somewhere that will not run out of booze, somewhere that the party won't get shut down until 2 or 3 in the morning, and somewhere with chicks that like to make out with dudes dressed in costumes, potentially in drag so they can live out all of their LGBTQAAXERTCTYVUBHNMKO fantasies. Bonus points for "Witches Brew" (crack juice/gin bucket) and other themed cocktails, and if there is a dj dressed in a skeleton costume...well that's just cool.

Part 3: Tricks
Tricks were a lot of fun as a kid. I just spent 45 minutes recollecting old pranks I pulled during the Halloween season. TP'ing, egging, knocking over mailboxes, setting trash cans on fire (oops) We once lined up firing squad style with paintball guns and let someone's house have it. Good Times!!

I also used to dress up as Michael Myers while my brother's friends his in the basement. We would spend hours blacking it out of any potential light. I had one of those fake knives that goes in when you stab someone, we also had gallons of fake blood. There were never any survivors.

Also, I went to Queen Mary Dark Harbor last night. My roommate and I were likely the only people there with parents that have white collar jobs. That said, it was fucking sick...strongly recommend.

But, since it's Halloween now...do all that shit next year, tonight it's time to party.

Part 4: Treats
I once did shrooms on Halloween and then carved pumpkins.

That was great.

Later that day I went to a Haunted House at Navy Pier.

Don't do that.

But for real, probably avoid the psychadelics tonight, unless you want to hide in a corner while fending off an invisible clown and thousands of spiders crawling all over your arms.

Part 5: Conclusion
Have fun, be debaucherous. One year I went to University of Wisconsin with a bunch of friends for Halloween. We made up an elaborate scavenger hunt with really intricate rules...like 10 points for hooking up with a chick, with a 3x multiplier if she is wearing a costume during said hook-up.

If you have the option of hooking up with a chick in costume, always remember the multiplier.

Have fun tonight kids, and enjoy your hangover tomorrow where you are covered in day old crusty fake blood, a bunch of smeared make-up and you smell vaguely of burnt tire. The best way to spend All Saints Day is eating old candy corn and waiting on Domino's delivery while watching College Football. And bonus points for those of you that say fuck it and keep the party going, oh and don't forget your additional party hour tomorrow night, which of course is the real reason daylight savings exists.