Thursday, February 5, 2015

Broke Bitches Guide to Bungalow


I had an incredible weekend. It kicked off with my birthday dinner Thursday in which all of my friends showered me in gifts of whiskey. Then Friday I saw two incredible people get engaged and celebrated with them by swimming in the Pacific Ocean in my boxers at three o clock in the morning. We should do that more.

Saturday...my God, Saturday. I don't know if I could do an ample job of describing karaoke in Koreatown to a stranger. This particular spot was on the 4th floor of a strip mall, I felt like I was on my way to be shot in a bad heroin deal. But once we walked in it was a flood of neon lights, lasers and thumping bass. You get a private room and...rage? But this is not your regular dive bar Thursday night fare, the Koreans have this shit down to a science. The microphone has a subtle reverb, some built in echo and I believe just the slightest amount of auto tune built in. It made me sound like a rock star. Ok, that may be an overstatement, but I sounded at least passable.

Possibly the best part however though is that due to a total lack of supervision we had all snuck in flasks of various liquors. And in between (or during) every performance, we proceeded to get shitfaced.

Drinking from a flask is great. First there is the knowledge that every gulp you take, you are essentially saving $10. It's empowering.

"Man, I don't want to go to that fancy dinner Monday night." *Takes 4 large gulps of flask* "But fuck it I just saved $40, I'm in!"

It also feels like you're doing something wrong, bringing back that edge that drinking had before you were 21. I like it, I enjoy coloring outside the lines. Of course some may argue it's cheap and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it on a standard night out. Ball games, concerts, Koreatown karaoke? Fuck ya, but a Saturday night at Bungalow...probably not.

...which is a shame, because Bungalow is expensive AF. I don't know who is the evil mastermind behind Bungalow's existence, but he is probably very rich now.

It is hard to build a relevant bar in LA. Remember when Phoenix was a thing? That place on La Cienega? GONE. Remember when L bar was a thing? GONE. (And Warwick will die too) 3110? Nope.

Staying cool after the buzz dies down 6 months post launch is nearly impossible. But every week, thousands of affluent white people line up dying to get into what is essentially an outdoor hotel bar. Bungalow is arguably more popular than ever, and the clientele look like they were hand selected out of a Vanity Fair photo shoot. Ugly people do not hang out at Bungalow. Poor people do not hang out at Bungalow. Bottle rats don't even hang out at Bungalow. Models in sophisticated dress talking to ethnically ambiguous actors, that's who hangs out at Bungalow...or they're just a bunch of trust fund wannabes from the Palisades, but I digress.

Part of the reason that I don't like Bungalow is because I do not excel there. I do not like approaching girls, I do not like talking to strangers, I don't like buying a girl a drink and then asking her about her life? I like dance floors. But I also hate Bungalow because I feel like everyone there is a fucking joke. The non-writing writer, the "actor" who hasn't even taken an improv class, the trust fund kid who calls himself an independent film producer because he gave his buddy three grand for a web short.

But it's always packed and the bar generates enormous amounts of cash...and I still go because everyone loves it and the girls are gorgeous. As part of the probable riff raff that Bungalow attempts to price out, I need to have a strategy. So after exhaustive research I have broken down the menu for you...you're welcome.

AN EFFICIENT GUIDE TO PARTYING AT BUNGALOW

Fireball - $13
This is the worst deal on the menu, which is a shame, because fireball is the shit. If you are having a bad night at a bar, a shot of this cinnamon elixir really can turn the night around. But at $13 it's just too much. That's a $30 round for you and a buddy, or more likely a $100 round for your group. Remember playing credit card roulette on Monday nights at Kilroys? That was fun! $10 doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. You try to pull that shit at Bungy? You're playing with your rent. Besides, an entire bottle of Fireball is $12 at Rite Aid, I can't pay more on a shot than I could a bottle. This is the Fireball Principle.

Rose - $12
One time when I was at Bungalow, a girl was super drunk and stumbled up to me and demanded that I buy her a glass of Rose. I didn't know what rose was at the time.

Is it the shitty pink wine that comes in a box?

NO! That's White Zinfandellllll, what the fuck is wrong with you, don't you want to buy me a glass of wine and try to convince me to go home with you?

I proceeded to walk away while she yelled "whatever faggot" proceeded to slip and break one of her shoes while falling down.

NFL players should be shown this exact situation at the rookie symposium followed by a giant X.

But ya, I guess $12 for a glass of wine isn't the worst you can do.

Sangria - $10
Sometimes I'll get an Old Fashioned off of the "specialty cocktail" menu at a bar and it will be like 15 bucks. But I justify it because they take like a good three minutes making that drink. It is a damn fine cocktail. The bartender pours the whiskey with care, peels the orange ever so delicately. All the while, my anticipation builds. It's fun. However, a lot of times, Sangria is on that same specialty cocktail menu for 15 bucks. But when you order a sangria, essentially someone just fills your glass from a premade bucket of stuff. That's not exciting. Someone at Bungalow realized this and priced sangria at a sneaky efficient $10.

Corona - $7
This is the absolute cheapest thing on the menu...and at $7 a bit of a steal. A while back I thought Mexican beers were making a come back. They are easy to drink, they're fun. We live on a beach after all and Corona has extremely effective marketing.

I am now, however, convinced that a bunch of broke ass Hollywood assistants got hooked on this shit after constantly drinking them at Bungalow. The good news about drinking Corona is you can drink them all day and not break the bank. The bad news is, you can drink them all day and probably drive home. If I am going to be approaching women I do not know, I'm going to need something a bit stronger.

All red wine - $14
I do not think I have ever spent more than $14 on a bottle of wine. I know that said bottles exist, but I really can't tell a major difference between 2 buck chuck and whatever is served at Paul's house on Thanksgiving. For these reasons. I'm out.

All white wine - $12
I used to get 2 bottles of Bloom at Crazy Horse on Wednesday because I didn't really like wine and this was the sweetest. All the chicks drank Little Black Dress, because it had a cute bottle. I don't think I have had a white wine since, nor will I ever again.

Margarita - $14
I think tequila is about the worst thing in the world. It's right up there with gin. Anyone that ever ordered tequila shots at a bar and thought it was cool? I hate you. To the person that introduced me to the stunt man shot? (Take the shot, snort the salt, lime in the eye) I hate you. That said, something about a margarita makes all of my worries in the world float away. It must be the fact that I instantly associate it with vacation. Daqs, Miami Vice, Margarita...vacation drinks. So ya...if you're on vacation or want to feel like you are, knock yourself out.

Sierra Nevada Torpedo IPA - $10
This isn't technically a double IPA, but it's damn close. For $10, 16 ounces of 7.2% abv glory from NorCal can be yours. And let me assure you. This is the play.

Have you ever had 4 IPAs? You are drunk. You ever had 6? You are FUCKED.

If you polish off a half dozen of these, you will be looking to create an impromptu dance floor somewhere under the green house-esque tent. You will be spitting such hot fire that you should probably call the Fairmont and inquire about a room. Better make it a suite because there will be an after party. Models and cocaine will be involved. Don't worry, all that is still about the same price as the 14x Uber you would take home anyway.

On a menu full of overpriced bullshit, Torpedo IPA is a beacon of light. You can have fun at Bungalow for under $60.

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