In 2011, I was on a transatlantic flight between Helsinki and Chicago. This was the final leg of what had been a ten day Tuscany trip. Usually I would spend my time on an international flight getting hammered, but I was pretty sure I was going to be arrested when I landed because of an outstanding warrant, so I decided to read a book instead.
The book was called A Reliable Wife and it was 50 Shades of Grey before there was 50 Shades of Grey. My then girlfriend had read about it in People and because we were huge losers, we always read the same books...and then had book club meetings. (We were the only two members)
Anyway, this book contained graphic depictions of sex...like the type of shit I wanted chicks to say in chat rooms when I was asking them to cyber growing up, or what I would beg my girlfriends to sext to me. IT WAS HOT. About an hour in I realize I have a throbbing erection and badly wanted to go to the restroom to take care of the issue. I got to wondering, how many people jerk it during international flights? It has to be at least somewhat common. An A340 has about 8 restrooms and there is rarely a line, this is how people join the mile high club. Most of the passengers are asleep or watching a movie, no one would ever know.
After strong consideration, my shame got the better of me and I started drinking instead. When I landed, I drunkenly walked right through customs without a problem. My warrant had been cancelled a week prior.
I was thinking about that book last week when the 50 Shades movie came out. I MUST GO, I thought. I needed to see the pathetic wine drunk menopausal women cat calling Jamie Dornan. I needed to do research to see if there had been a spike in the sales of Magic Wands that week.
I fully intended to drink 2 bottles of Reisling last Saturday, go see the movie and then blog about my experience. I promise, that was the plan.
Instead I did a fuck ton of Molly on Saturday night and decided to go to the desert. This is that story.
***
I've had Joshua Tree on my mind for a while now. I've thrown up status updates to spur some interest, had a few conversations with friends, but never made any concrete plans. However, something I underestimated was the momentum an idea can gain while day drinking.
Saturday I started drinking on the beach at 4ish, was at a BYOB dinner with 6 bottles of wine at 8, was at Townhouse at midnight...and according to my phone, trying to recruit people to come do drugs with me at my house at 4am. Not necessarily my proudest moment, but apparently during this black out I also kept trying to convince people to come to the desert with me the following day. When I woke up Sunday at 11, I realized I had been successful.
"We're coming to wake you up. Let's go to the desert!"
You know how I get that foolish overconfidence when I drink? Well apparently I also overstate my experience with things. I'm pretty sure my 3 camping cohorts were under the impression that I was a Joshua Tree veteran...nay EXPERT. In truth I went there one time 3 years ago for about 16 hours. I have no camping equipment, didn't know where we were going. In fact I didn't have much except the spirit of adventure and the vague notion that we should head East.
Sometimes that is enough, so without further ramblings, 20 ways to ensure a successful trip to Joshua Tree National Park.
Part 1. Prep
1. Take a sedan.
If I was in the midst of an existential crisis and needed to go to the desert alone, the Mini Cooper would probably be sufficient, but I vastly underestimated the size of things like firewood a cooler, beer...let alone three other people. Sleeping bags, tents, there's only so much shit you can throw on your lap.
2. Make pit stops.
Targets and Walmarts are hard to come by in LA, but once you get into the IE aka where the poor people live, they are fucking everywhere. If you are wandering around your house looking for camping supplies and realizing that you are woefully unprepared, FUCK IT just hit the road. Target sells a four person tent for 40 bucks. Coolers and sleeping bags sell for a fraction of that cost. I recommend the West Covina Target, it has a Starbucks.
3. Grab a shit ton of beer
Once you get off the 10 and are making your way toward Yucca Valley there will be some shitty grocery stores (States Bros, Food 4 Less) and in San Bernadino County they sell 36 packs of Coors Light. I had never seen something more glorious. Get two!
4. But also whiskey
Better make it a handle.
5. Bring food to cook
Hot dogs are super cheap and super easy to grill. All the camp sites at Joshua Tree have little fire pits with built in grills. You might want to pick up s'more supplies while you're at it.
6. And also precooked food...
Because, well we'll get to that.
So after we made a 5 minute stop at Target
- Cooler
- Tent
- Sun Chips
- Frapuccinos
and a 5 minute stop at Stater Bros
- 36 pack Coors
- 750 ml Bushmills (not enough)
- Hot dogs and buns
- condiments
- Jalapeno Kettle
- one rockstar (for me)
- Firewood
- Smore supplies
AND WE WERE FUCKING READY TO CAMP.
We turn in to Joshua Tree National Park past no less than 7 signs that tell us "CAMPSITES FULL"
But like fuck that, the rangers were just too lazy to take the signs down after Saturday right?
Right.
We enter pass the guard booth, Free admission Pres Day Weekend? Fuck ya Lincoln! This day is going to be off the hook. But of course we got to the campground and...oh shit it's full.
On to part II. The Test
7. Press the fuck on
Joshua Tree is like a billion acres with 12 campsites. Just because the first one is full, doesn't mean you're bones. ENDURE. Drive down that dirt road there, maybe something goo will happen.
8. Flag down a stranger
I'll be honest, the map Ranger Rick gives you is absolute dogshit. We were about a mile into a dirt road and the wheels on our Jetta were falling off. Thankfully we were able to flag down a hipster and his girlfriend for help.
9. Demand his secrets.
"So you guys just came out here on a whim with no reservation and all the campgrounds are full?"
Yes.
"Ok, so here is what you're going to do. There is a little secret, you're going to pretend to be backpackers. Double back to that boy scout trail, park in the lot and hike out for a mile. Once you're a mile out, with all your shit, find a spot more than 500 feet off the trail and you're golden."
And that's the secret to backpacking.
10. Decide which of your things are absolutely necessary.
Walking a mile into the wild is fun, it's less fun carrying a hundred pounds of camping shit. Remember the beer and ice are a must, your sleeping pad may not make the cut.
Part III. Camping
11. Shotgun a beer when you stake your claim.
You fucking did it bro! Worry about pitching the tent later, you just dragged a Coleman across the desert, enjoy the fruits of your labor. You know what? Shotgun a beer and take a pull of whiskey...straight, the two liter of Coke didn't make the cut.
12. Now pitch the tent, you'll feel cool.
Pitching a tent is bad ass, you should have a buzz by the time you start, hopefully you're drunk by the time you finish. Throw the sleeping bags in the tent, but out the food and most importantly set up the speakers. No open flame in the back country, hope you brought those PB and Js homey.
13. Explore your surroundings.
Climb a fucking rock, howl at the moon, snort some cocaine. You are in the great outdoors, the stars will be out soon!
14. Meet the Neighbors.
Well there might not be any if you're back country camping like a boss, but maybe do a courtesy check just in case. See how loud you can play your music, ask if they have any spare mushrooms. It's cool I promise, it's a culture thing.
15. Party, hard.
People may pretend that camping is all about becoming one with nature, quiet reflection, all that bullshit. Camping is actually about getting really fucked up. Because, really once the sun goes down, there is nothing else to do. Eat, play cards, get drunk and...
16. Have a Dance party.
If you have chosen a site next to a large rock structure, a strategic placement of a lantern can lead to some CRAZY shadow dancing. Sunday night we used a natural rock formation to amplify "Wild for the Night" and had a photo shoot. I regret nothing.
17. Smoke a J and look at the stars.
Eventually you will run out of beer and the music will die. At this point the last thing left to do is get super stoned and stare at the sky. Stars are dope, stars in the desert are UNFUCKINGREAL. Every 30 seconds you stare into the distance a new layer of stars will appear, you can almost reach out and touch your favorite constellations. The occasional shooting star doesn't hurt either.
18. Cuddle in the tent.
Or have crazy desert sex or a threesome or a foursome, it doesn't matter. Just conserve body heat, it gets cold at night.
19. Wake up early, go on an adventure.
Hike, go bouldering, climb a mountain, go on a bike ride, take some pictures, go on a run, last night was fun but holy shit look at this. There is nothing prettier than watching the sun rise in the desert. Sweat out some demons and get ready for the trip back to lala land.
20. Eat breakfast at Crossroads.
Preferably the corned beef hash. Of course if you follow these 20 steps you'll just end up doing exactly what I did this past Sunday, but I had one of the greatest days of my life, there's no thinking that you won't have a similar experience. I literally want to go back once a month. If you are flirting with this idea, do it. Drag me. I'll even do a fuck ton of Molly the night before just to put myself in the proper strung out slap happy moods. Best of luck to you future explorers.
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