Venice Razor Scooter Club

Pictured: The late 90's encapsulated

8th grade was weird for me.

I had gone to public school my entire life, but in 7th grade I hit a wall. My grandma died and I missed 2 weeks of school. School administrators thought that was weird. They threatened to pull me out of the gifted student program, because at 11 years old if you can't show a commitment to academics over family, you should take regular classes with the other plebeians. I also didn't make the baseball team and my parents concluded it was because I was being punished for flying to San Francisco and waiting around while we decided whether or not to take my grandma off of life support.

Lawrence Township had failed me.

So that spring a bunch of private middle schools "courted me." I had one friend each at Heritage Christian, St. Simon and St. Pius. St. Pius decided they didn't want me because I wasn't Catholic, Heritage Christian wanted to make sure I knew that they were also a High School (I was dead set on Cathedral at this point)

But St. Simon was different. On the day I shadowed, everyone whispered about me.

"He's from public school."

"I hear he got kicked out."

"He fights a lot."

Everyone approached me with nervous excitement. I earmarked the cool kids right away, they didn't know what to make of me. One of the popular girls approached me and demanded a list of every girl I had "hooked up with" at Belzer. (A list that was one...IF we are counting truth or dare kisses)

I lied.

So I went to St. Simon and everything was pretty cool. I was a 4 sport athlete, I got invited to the parties and on the weekends we would hang out in lavish Geist basements and ask chicks to show us their tits with a 15% success rate. (Sober!) I even kinda had a girlfriend for about a week.

I would talk back to teachers, carry binaca and ask girls questions about sex during home room. I was edgy, I liked being edgy. But right when I was catching my groove, it ended. Everyone went off to different high schools and I had to start over again.

That was all 14 years ago. I probably remember 20 of the 50ish people I graduated with. Talk to one...maybe once a year. I'm a completely different person now. I went through high school and then college. I moved to Chicago and then LA. I started drinking, I started doing more than drinking, I've been in love, I've been heartbroken, I've been beat up by a bum in Monte Carlo.

Two things stuck with me from that experience though.

1. I started blogging in 8th grade.
I think I've talked about it before, but I had a GeoCities about the social life of St Simon middle school. I would talk about parties, about hook ups, polls about the best tits. It was pretty much a hybrid of the Mean Girls burn book and Juicy Campus. It was awesome, and almost got me expelled.

2. There was this guy I used to hang out with that had a fleet of Razor Scooters at his house and he lived on a big ass hill. Do you ever struggle to remember what you did for fun before alcohol? You took razor scooters down a big ass hill...and it was awesome.

A week ago for my birthday, my brother sent me something I hadn't seen since the summer I started high school. He was leafing around in the attic and found my old Razor Scooter Xtreme. He informed me and I told him I MUST have it.

Now for those that don't remember...Razor Scooters were fucking HUGE for like 2 months in the spring of 2001. Sharper Image was slangin them like it was crack on a street corner in Queens. Every white kid of privilege in Indianapolis had one. They were the shit. There were video games about them, kids started learning tricks. I made my mom get me the Xtreme version because it had shocks and looked fucking rad.

(Exposed shocks were big in the early 2000's you may remember the Nike Shox)

Well now there is a discontinued Razor Xtreme at 6th and Westminster...and I am about to take Venice by fucking storm.

You may have noticed that scooters are making a come back. I've seen lots of little kids scooting lately; I know lots of Silicon Valley dorks ride them around their work campuses. Shit, some new Venice start up called Luxe has dispatched them all over my neighborhood, but they need to know, there's only room for 1 set of polyurethane wheels in this hood pal.

AND OH GOD MY WHEELS.

I'm going to make them light up. All I've wanted since I was 19 was some fucking LA Lights. I had legit conversations with people in college, "The only thing in the world that could make me more awesome is if I stormed into Kilroy's wearing some fucking red blinking shoes. Every GDI would melt and I would take one rep each from XO, AXO, ZTA, Kappa Tri Delt, A Phi and Pi Phi home and have a fucking 8some!"

I really thought that at the time. I think I wrote it down somewhere. Yes. I did. If someone digs a hole next to the basement of Shingles (my senior house) they will find a time capsule there. I think there is a piece of paper with that written on it and a Flo Rida cd. God late 2000's music was bad.

I digress. Light up scooter wheels at 28 years old are going to be my fucking LA Lights. Venice has gentrified, sure. But it is still CRAWLING with fucking geeds and their heads need exploding. You subtle little hipster fucks might not understand, but attention MUST BE MINE.

Do you know why I learned how to dance like an asshole? Well, I thought it would help out fitting in with the black kids at Belzer Middle School. That's why I became decent at dancing and freestyling. But you know who is even more impressed with that shit? WHITE BITCHES.

Once I have my light up wheels installed I will be like the god damn pied piper leading 23 year old size 0s to the basement of Townhouse. Did anyone see Under the Skin? It will be exactly like that, except less arty and fewer aliens.

Here's the deal guys. Lots of figures in history have derived their power from a thing. Freddy Kruger uses fear. Thor has his hammer. I have a scooter. A RAZOR SCOOTER...with light up wheels.

Let's step back to 8th grade for a minute. I had this girl that I was infatuated with and her best friend would come up to me and tell me "We were talking in the bathroom, and she wants you to kiss her."

But I would do nothing. I was scared. I would ask my buddies if we could walk back across the lake and watch a movie. (The lake was frozen, but if I would have had the light up wheels I probably could have walked on water) Because see that was Superman with kryptonite around his neck...a pathetic prepubescent boy, getting by on a rumor that he beat someone up.

I still think to some of the cowardly decisions I have made in my life. Senior year of college I wrote myself a letter to my future self. I gave it to some dude and he said, "I'll mail this to you in two years." Two years go by and I'm checking the mail hoping there are no bills or notices from the IRS when I find a crudely scratched letter sent to me.

I opened it up. It was one line.

"Stop being a coward."
-Dave from 2009

That was 2011, four years have gone by and I haven't done anything bad ass like I said I would. I keep talking about joining the reserves but I don't. I'm afraid of strangers unless I'm absolutely bombed (my secondary power source) and I really haven't done anything of consequence with my life.

BUT THAT IS ALL OVER.

Because I have a fucking scooter, with (soon to be) light up wheels.

I might start a gang. I could mock up another Mini Cooper Club-esque call out letter.

HEY ARE YOU THE FUCKING MAN?

Do you still think Tang is a dope sports drink?

Are you a fan of early 2000's modeled Razor Scooters?

Well do I have a club for you...

We'll take over the Venice Skate Park from those poser bitch skaters within a week. I'll proudly fold my scooter and toss it on the skate rack at Nikki's. Everything is finally going to work out, just the way it was supposed to all along. I'll finally be as cool as I wanted to be when I was in 8th grade/

Oh sorry, back to the application.

Please state the best trick you can perform

Rank the west side neighborhoods in order from worst to best (Hint: 2. Santa Monica 1. Venice)

Why does Echo Park suck so much?

How many times have you seen the movies Airborne and/or Rad?

Would you be interested in funding an Airborne reboot with scooters.

Hold on...I just had a creative breakthrough, I have to go.