Dream Girl

I almost died yesterday.

Wow, that's a dramatic way to start off a post. But it's true! Let's back up.

Yesterday morning I was laying in bed watching weather updates on my phone as I witnessed massive weather systems moving in over mammoth, Big Bear and even Mountain High. I cursed the gods that my current financial situation and lack of employment was preventing me from a long weekend full of constant powder shredding.

I pulled up Twitter and saw that basically everyone I know was already driving North and as I do so often I took action with absolutely zero planning. I threw my skis in the back seat of my Mini Cooper, dug my boots out of the depths of our Winter Closet and started driving toward Mountain High.

I may not be able to drop $1000 on lift tickets and a chalet this weekend bu god dammit I can afford $30 night skiing. I saw advisories on the road about slick conditions but really gave no thought to it. I grew up in Indiana, I am a professional at the E-break power slide through snow.

I started seeing signs informing me that 'Chains are required' just east of Palmdale and took this as more of a suggestion. As I started to scale the mountains outside of Wrightwood, the driving rain turned to near white out conditions. I was in the middle of a blizzard. Still no problem.

Around 4 o clock, my Apple Maps (yes, I will drive 3 hours to go skiing by myself but I'm too lazy to download Google Maps. i am a sociopath) asked me if I would like to shave 2 minutes off my journey by taking a new route.

Fuck ya I want an extra 2 minutes on the mountain. DETOUR IT IS. I turned off onto a road called Big Pine Rd, there was a police officer there signaling me to roll down my window.

"Hey you need to put on your chains. It gets nasty ahead."

Now a prudent person would have done one of three things.

- "I don't have chains officer. Do you know where I can get some?"
- "I don't have chains officer. Is there a safer way to the mountain that doesn't require chains?"
- "Fuck this I'm going home."

So what did I do?

"I have all wheel drive."

That's a lie. I have used tires and a failing traction system. But I blew past anyway and began climbing the steep narrow pass. Cars all around me, some 4x4 with chains failed to stay on the road. Stranded motorists were everywhere, but I kept climbing. No force on this Earth would prevent me from getting my ski selfie on instagram this weekend. My GPS informed me that I had less than a mile to go...and that's when it happened.

I started slipping. I lost traction, my wheels were spinning but I was not moving. I was on an uphill climb with no control of my car...and of course there was now a large plowtruck blasting toward me as I was drifting into his lane. There was no doubt in my mind that the large metallic blade on the front of his trailer would rip through my tiny car and me so fast the driver wouldn't know what happened. I tried to brake, I tried to honk but it was too late. Impact was imminent. An unsafe solo drive up a snowy mountain, just to get a photo with 50 likes.

My life flashed before my eyes. I was destined for greatness they said (they being my mom and maybe one other person) and I'll end up dead from a driving accident shy of 30. Maybe my friends will get together on January 12th and get really drunk together and take a shot of Fireball in remembrance of me. 10 years from now I'll just be a hazy memory. I thought of all the things I didn't accomplish. professional failures, personal shortcomings. I never even had a Facebook official girlfriend. I tried to picture the face of a person i could have spent the rest of my life with and I thought of...

Belle.

Ya, the character from beauty and the Beast.

No not Emma Watson playing Belle. It would be less weird to be into a beautiful woman dressed as a princess in a yellow dress.

I spent my last moment on Earth thinking about a piece of 2D animation from 26 years ago.

At the last minute my tires caught and I drifted harmlessly into a snow bank as the plow passed by. As soon as my heart stopped racing and I caught my breath I turned around, drove back down the mountain and asked the police officer a safer way to get to the mountain...

It was my original intended route. Fuck you Apple Maps.

I got to the mountain and strapped into my skis but as I boarded the first lift I couldn't shake the fact that in my last moments on Earth I was thinking about a fictitious character and the life we could have lived together. I started thinking of other ideal fictional characters to choose as a mate...and well this intro has gone on long enough so let's just get to the list.

Jasmine- I forget 99% of the things that people tell me, but a man named Bill Larkin once told me to marry up. And I fully intend on doing so. There is no chance I will pop the question to any girl whose father doesn't have a net worth 4x that of my family. Jasmine certainly checks that box. And while the life of a Middle Eastern royal could be a little sketch (coups, suicide bombers, living in the middle east) many governments there still act as absolute monarchies...like what England had in the 1300s where a king could order you killed and shit. That kind of power would be dope.

Furthermore, Jasmine is obviously the most beautiful of all the Disney princesses and seems like a homie too. Jasmine is 'cool girl' from Gone Girl without the murderous tendencies. She will watch football, eat pizza, have morning sex, all while maintaining a size zero. Also she has a pet tiger which is always a plus.

Hermione Granger - Hermione is kind of like the girl that grew up next door that you were always friends with. She was kind of annoying but then one day you realize that you've been in love with her all along. Also both of her parents are dentists and dentists are low key rich af. Aside from being a total babe, Hermione is also arguably one of the most knowledgeable if now powerful witches in the world, seems like a good person to have on your side.

I also consider it a benefit that Hermione is a mudblood. If the magic world ever completely went to shit we could just move in with her Muggle cousin in Chelsea and get fucked up at Tiger Tiger on weekends. You could do worse.

Crysta the fairy
Oh you didn't think Fern Gully would make the list? How dare you sleep on my girl who has been rocking the off the shoulder look since '92. I think as someone that has been tasked with protecting the rain forest, Crysta would appeal to lots of my outdoorsy sensibilities. She would be equally happy hiking Machu Picchu as she would shredding Aspen Mountain.

Bonus points for being able to fly and shrink things. As someone who has always been tall I think I would get a kick out of navigating some small spaces.

Jessica Jones
I mean, she just gets it. Wanna bust out some narcotics on a special occasion? She's down. Knock back four bottles of wine on a casual Tuesday? WINE NOT! I'm sure a relationship with JJ wouldn't be without its flaws. She may throw me through a wall from time to time, but isn't that what keeps love interesting?

Yuna from Final Fantasy X
Nevermind, this is getting too nerdy.

April from Definitely, Maybe
Believe it or not, before Deadpool, Ryan Reynolds had a career and this may be his best rom-com. In the movie he essentially spends his 20's deciding which of 3 women to marry and part of the frustrating part of this movie is that April (played by Isla Fisher) is CLEARLY the best. Now this may seem like a cop out, because I could just list actresses that I'm obsessed with and name their characters. I would counter that April from Definitely Maybe > Gloria Cleary from Wedding Crashers (though I wouldn't mind that Christopher Walken $$$)

Serena van der Woodsen
'You can't be worse than the guys I do know.' Words she says before going on a date with a complete stranger show the reckless and spontaneous to a fault character traits I love about Serena. Serena wouldn't have tried to talk me out of driving up a mountain yesterday. In fact, when we got stuck she would have probably argued that we should leave the car and then fly to France, spending the next three months boozing in Nice.

Now that's a girl after my heart.

Marissa Cooper
The entire point of The O.C. season 4 is that Marissa was broken beyond saving but I still think I could fix her. I could whisk her away from The OC all the way to Venice Beach where my roommate Sarah could get her a job at Bungalow and we could surf on the weekends and have fun dinners with our good friends Seth and Summer EVERYTHING WOULD BE FUCKING SWELL.

But poor Marissa just couldn't stay away from trouble; Oliver, Alex, VOLCHOK, Trey UGH. Honestly, compared to that lot I am a wholesome gentleman...and I know she has a thing for guys in puka shells.


Princess Zelda
Did you know that through EIGHTEEN games, Link has not yet kissed Princess Zelda? I sometimes don't get through the first song when I'm with a girl on the dance floor. What the hell is wrong with him, shy? Performance Anxiety? Is Link secretly gay?

Fun fact: I started a live action Zelda script like 4 years ago with Zac Efron playing Link...but he was basically Troy Bolton, just better than everyone at everything. I think that movie would have made a billion dollars. But anyway Zelda is a babe and Hyrule is dope. I would love to dick around a castle all day riding horses and shooting monsters with my bow.

Ok I need one more. Should I go Keira Knightley from Love Actually? No you guys are sick of me talking about that. What about Amy Adams from Enchanted? No I've already got too much animation. People are going to start assuming I'm into Hentai. Oh...I know. I'll go super topical.

Mia from La La Land
I'm sure I'm not the first to point this out, but the ending of La La Land is hilarious if you assume it takes place in a shared universe with That Thing You Do! Mia ends up married to a guy who had a huge hit in the 90's and then led a successful career as a session drummer. No word on whatever happened to Liv Tyler.

But isn't this the most realistic option? I'm just a guy struggling to make it happen in LA. She wants to be a star and then we live happily ever after. PLUS eskimo bros with Ryan Gosling!

Ok this column needs to end, this has been very strange, but I suppose this is a window into the mind of a preoccupied writer on the slopes after a near death experience. Please carry tire chains with you this winter.