Jealous Writer Syndrome

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Popular? Someone's boyfriend? A guy that gets invited to parties on Friday nights?

When we are young, we are so shortsighted. It's hard to see even a week, month, year into the future. This is why so many of our decisions we make when we are young turn out to be those of the poor variety.

I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up until I was 25. Before I landed on 'professional writer' here are a few things I thought I had a legitimate shot at.

Ages 3-9: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
Age 10: Ninja (By 10 I knew that anthropomorphic life-sized turtles were not real. I still think ninja is a profession)
Age 11-13: Designated Hitter for Tampa Bay Devi Rays (I could hit the ball far, I still can't catch a pop up. Chose the Rays because they were a bad team in an affordable coastal market)
Age 14-19: Lawyer, specifically a v charismatic litigator like Lt. Danny Kaffee
Age 20-24: Uhh???? Broke socialite? Is BroBible hiring?

Alas I now have a clear vision of what I want to do. I want to write narrow coming of age half hour television shows that will live on streaming services or likely basic cable. It only took me a quarter century to figure it out, but that's half the battle right?

There is one problem...one in three 20somethings in Los Angeles wants to do the exact same thing.

Let me diagram for you the anatomy of a Writer's Room. On a comedy there will be between let's say 8 and 14 writers mostly in their 30s and 40s. These men and women will make anywhere from $4,000 a week to $10 million a year.

There will also be anywhere from 4-10 assistants up there making roughly $850 a week. Most of these people are in their 20s (though I have seen script coordinators old enough to be my father) and fun and energetic. These people become your friends.

Or rather frenemies.

Friends in the way that I will help you respond to boys on Bumble. Friends in the way that I will totally come to your birthday party this Saturday.

But if my homie that is a CE at MGM asks me what I think of your script? I am ripping that thing to shreds.

See it's a tenuous existence in the writer's room. On some shows the script coordinator is the first in line for a promotion. On others it is one of the writers' assistants. Sometimes a guy like Aaron Sorkin will decide he loves his PA and promote him to producer. I was on a show where the show runner (boss) ran into a random office assistant (NOT IN WRITERS ROOM) in Vegas and made him Staff Writer on Monday. Sure, it's weird but that stuff happens.

You can imagine then how competitive these jobs are, not only are you in line for a 425% salary bump and admission into the writer's guild...it is the final step between you and achieving your dreams.

And of course part of you is so happy for a colleague when they break through and make it.  But part of you will always be thinking, why didn't they pick me?

Was it that one time I screwed up my boss's lunch? Do I wear too much pink to the office? Is my demeanor not friendly enough at 9am? Is it because I had that last cocktail at the wrap party 2 years ago.

Of course talent works into it, but a low level staff writer in a writer's room is never going to make or break a show. They are there to pitch a couple jokes and maybe explain some recent trends to the old folks. Tinder jokes are lame now, talk about Hinge...stuff like that.

Furthermore, most of the 'young' writers you meet are pretty good. They're not bad, they're not prodigies like Damien Chazelle. Maybe incrementally better than you, or maybe they found themselves in a slightly better situation than you and they ran with it.

I would describe the feeling of seeing one of your 'friends' promoted to seeing one of your buddies start dating a girl you had a crush on.
Of course you're happy for your friend, she's a great girl....but...but

Why not me?

Should I have bought her a drink, invited her to that dance...been a man and, god forbid asked her on a date? These things will eat at you and then you go into a mode of self preservation. This my friends, is Jealous Writer's Syndrome.

Now I've drawn the parallel between your friend getting the job and your friend getting the girl. I will now expand the metaphor using a movie I'm sure you are ALL sick of me talking about but I believe it is a perfect encapsulation of this feeling.

Andrew Lincoln (Rick Grimes) in Love Actually plays the best friend of Chewetel Ejiofor (was going to call him Solomon Northrup but that feels wrong...lets just say Chewetel) who is marrying Keira Knightley.

The whole movie Rick Grimes is kind of a dick to Keira Knightley and you don't really know why. But as the movie progresses you realize that he was more so just avoiding her. When you finally figure out near the end of the film's second act that he was madly in love with her, she asks 'but you never talk to me why...'

He responds, 'it was self preservation.'

He was protecting himself from the madness that routine interaction with her would cause him. She could have been mine if only ______.

You may have found yourself grow distant from a friend that you had romantic feelings for but lost out to a buddy. I know from past circumstances I have gone head to head with friends over a girl many many times (I usually lost) but then I kind of drifted to the background because it's too painful to stay in the picture.

Furthermore any time I see a show like 'Girls' a show like 'Love' to a lesser extend a show like 'Master of None' get greenlit, I struggle to watch.

Dozens of people will ask 'did you watch _____ oh my god you would absolutely LOVE ____'

And I'm sure I would but the Jealous Writer Syndrome (JWS) in me can't allow myself to watch because you know what...I probably could have written it too...and so too could thousands of other aspiring writers out there.

Of course I'm conflicted because as a millennial I LOVE seeing our stories told. It's good for writers of my age to be getting work, I'm sure in the long run it helps us all, but somehow I just can't shake the feeling.

So while I'm happy these shows are made, I'm happy that my colleagues are promoted, it always comes back to 'but why not me?'

I believe humans are programmed to act in their own self interest and you have to really work at developing empathy and while I can really appreciate my three writer friends that broke through this year one of the reasons I find myself able to be so happy for them is they are not in direct competition with me (Sci-fi features and TV drama) it would be the equivalent of them all dating gorgeous red heads if I wasn't into red heads.

Note: I am into red heads.

But jealousy, like hate can be toxic, so I'm going to try to work though it. Perhaps I can learn how to be a better writer from my peers instead of ignoring their work altogether and feeling sorry for myself.

At a time when there is so much content there should be room for all of us and instead of dragging each other down we should be lifting each other up for the greater good. I think everyone has something to add and I am ready for the stereotype of the bitter, cynical writer to go away. We need our cleansing giant notecard scene to feel unburdened.

Because after all, we all had dreams of telling stories, and well at least mine, they all had happy endings.