The Other Side

I know a person who is in pain. It could be a man, woman, boy or girl.

You may know this person, you may know several. They could have the world if they could just, if even for a moment, get out of their own way.

We forget a lot of things in our lives, some of the good, some of the bad, but most of what we forget is in the in-between. But I remember when I was 14, I said one of the worst things I think I ever said in my life and I'll never forget it.

A girl in my class discussed an uncle that had died of alcoholism in the framework of a conversation about deadly diseases.

"Alcoholism is not a disease," I offered, "It's a problem."

Now this was 15 years ago. I don't remember where we were as a country in regards to mental health, and it's possible that at the time, my opinion was a popular one. Regardless, it was a callous thing to say and one that haunts me to this day.

We never know how we are going to react to something until we go through it. We can prepare, we can brace for impact, but until that moment comes, we never truly know how it will catch us. Many of my friends, friends stronger than me, have had to deal with the loss of loved ones, some expected, others unexpected.

I've watched brave colleagues fight through disease, disease that has no business attacking people so young, but I was truly caught blindsided when addiction came into my life in an unexpected way.

See I am no an addict, at least I don't think I am. I fall into the category of people that like to have a really good time (sometimes too good) but understand when it's time to shut off the jets. As such many of the people I surround myself with are cut from the same cloth.

We chalk it up to 'being young' and 'living life to the fullest.' We tend to view our behavior as mildly Sophomoric instead of reckless and dangerous.

And maybe it's true.

But sometimes people lack that safety valve, that thing in the back of our mind that tells us we need to settle down and that is when things can spiral down a very scary path.

Those that know me well will know that there is a person close to me who is battling some demons. They are doing their absolute best to win the fight, but there are setbacks along the way. It rips me apart inside because as badly as I want to fight this war with them, it is largely a battle fought from within.

I worry now. I never used to worry about anything.

I never called my parents when I was a kid. Whatever, I was out late, I fell asleep watching a movie in a basement. I didn't understand what it meant to be scared, really scared, about the safety of a loved one. I went through a period last year where I dreaded every phone call. And not dread in the way that my boss is going to make me come in this weekend or my girlfriend found out I lied about being sick so I could watch football. Actual life and death dread.

Phone call at a weird hour? This could be it. This could be the call that changes everything and my life will never be the same. Or it can be just another checkpoint in the long heartbreaking saga.

And of course I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because of the way I live my life. What pedestal do I have to stand on when I make the decisions that I do? Who am I to criticize the way anyone chooses to lead their life? But then what do I do?

Do I change?

I don't want to change. Sure I stay up too late on Saturdays, but that was a conscious choice. I fully intended to sit on my couch the entirety of the next day eating pizza. Maybe I'll grow out of it, but that's what I wanted to do.

It isn't about me, but I've tried to use words to work through my feelings. I did a 6 minute Monologue at The Moth about the conflict I feel inside. Where did it go wrong? Am I to blame, is there yet more that I can do now that I'm not already doing.

While writing this I wonder if this is my story to even tell. Sure I worry, I dread anytime the phone rings and I struggle with the daily choices I make, but that is nothing compared to the pressures felt by the person going through the depths of addiction.

And yet I am helpless.

There is no physical manifestation of this disease that I can lobotomize from this person's brain. There is no magic phrase that will make everything ok, so I continue to say I love you and I believe you will get through this even on the days that I'm not so sure.

I've read the forums, I've attended the meetings. They all say the same thing, there is no magic elixir, everyone fights at a different pace. We depend on the power of prayer and positive thinking, encouragement to take it one step at a time.

I know there will be bumps in the road, but all I can offer is my unconditional support that one day things will get better because I know how strong this person can be. Maybe you are going through this now as well, maybe you will some day, if I can offer you one solace just know that there is hope.

Hope for a day that things will get better, hope for a time that all can be forgiven. And in the mean time I will do what works for me. I will press onward and try to be a beacon of strength for this person, to tell them that I do not blame them for anything. I will try not to look back because that in itself is an exercise in futility. I just keep three phrases in my back pocket whenever I go to a dark place, they help remind me that there will again come a day when this star brightly shines.

"I love you."

"I believe in you"

and lastly...

"You will get better."