Ranking McDonald's

Obviously our country has undergone some real tragedies in the past five years. There have been numerous natural disasters and acts of terrorism just to name a couple. In fact, some may consider this current presidential administration to be a threat to our very existence.

But none of that shit has impacted me quite like the discontinuation of McDonald's Chicken Selects.

Seriously when I heard that McDonald's was getting rid of Chicken Selects in favor of bone-in NON-SAUCED chicken wings I almost had a fucking stroke. Seriously, there was nothing better than waking up at noon on a Sunday only to get a 5 piece chicken select, Super Size fry and the biggest fucking Coke the arches were allowed to sell by law.

To make matters worse, McDonald's briefly reintroduced the selects in 2015 only to rip them away again, thus destroying my soul in the process.

After a brief boycott, I returned to Mickey D's and I now place my standard order of Double Cheeseburger meal plus a spicy McChicken 4-5 times a week, but I'm still not over what they did to me. If I had to describe the feeling I imagine it is like when your wife cheats on you and you decide to 'work it out' and stay together. Yes, you move past it but you never forget.

I cannot overstate how devastated I was over this. One time on a trip to Europe, I specifically flew through Dublin because the Selects are still a permanent menu item in Ireland. (and tbh that's like the only cool thing about Ireland)

Alas, the Selects are gone but McDonald's continues to exist on almost every street corner in America. And as someone who is in incredible shape but still has horrendous cholesterol and high blood pressure due to their diet, I feel uniquely qualified to rank the entirety of the McDonald's menu and piss of 90% of my friends. So go ahead, start a fight in the comments and tell me how much of an idiot I am.

Per usual I will not rank drinks or special items. But obviously if you get anything other than an OG Coke at McDonald's you are a fucking chump.

The McDonald's menu; ranked:

43. Filet-o-fish
42. Dying a slow death of Ebola and AIDS simultaneously
41. Fruit and Maple Oatmeal
40. Side Salad
39. Sausage McGriddle
38. Sausage Biscuit
37. Apple Slices
36. Sausage McMuffin
35. Go-Gurt
34. Hamburger
33. Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuit
32. Bacon Egg and Cheese McGriddle
31. Bacon ranch crispy chicken salad
30. Bacon Egg and Cheese Griddle
29. Bacon Egg and Cheese Bagel
28. Cuties
27. Hotcakes
26. McChicken
25. Hotcakes and Sausage
24. Big Breakfast
23. Bacon ranch grilled chicken salad
22. Southwest Buttermilk crispy chicken salad
21. Steak Egg and Cheese Biscuit
20. Egg White Delight McMuffin
19. Southwest grilled Chicken Salad
18. Cheeseburger
17. Artisan Grilled Chicken Sandwich
16. Chicken McNuggets
15. Sausage Biscuit with Egg
14. Yogurt Parfait
13. McDouble
12. Sausage Burrito
11. Crispy Chicken Sandwich
10. Baked Apple Pie
9. Double Cheeseburger
8. Sausage McMuffin with Egg
7. Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese 
6. Hash Brown
5. Hot n Spicy McChicken
4. Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese

A few quick thoughts before the podium finishers. This may sound like I hate McDonald's breakfast and it's true, I typically don't get out of bed before 10:30am ever. Oh, there is all day breakfast now? Fuck you, I prefer lunch. However to justify my rankings...I almost always award points for more stuff...more cheese, more patties, more egg. Obviously a sausage egg mcmuffin> sausage mcmuffin.

Nuggets aren't as good as you want to pretend they are, even if you drown them in buffalo sauce. The hot n spicy McChicken is lightyears better than the standard variety and lastly a special shout out to the DQPWC...a delicious fucking sandwich but sometimes you just aren't fucking with 12,000 calories.

3. Egg McMuffin

Look, personally I don't fuck with the Egg McMuffin. I think Canadian bacon is gross. However, I respect the shit out of the institution that is the Egg McMuffin. Without this creation, there is no fast food breakfast. Countless hangovers have been slayed by this greasy behemoth, so in effect not ranking the Egg McMuffin this high would be like not respecting the Tetanus shot or something else that saves lives. Oh you don't think a hangover is a life threatening medical condition? You aren't partying right homie.

2. Fries

I understand that there is a nationwide opioid crisis, but I'm not sure I comprehend why. McDonald's french fries certainly must be better than whatever high you get from drugs. My brother is in recovery and he tells me about all this crazy shit they do like equine therapy. I don't understand how a horse would make me want to party less, but if every time I had a craving someone just gave me a giant fucking bag of salty McDonald's fries? I think I could kick that habit.

1. Big Mac

Say what you will about the Big Mac. Does it need pickles? No. Is that little piece of bread in the middle absolutely necessary? Probably not. Can you order two cheeseburgers w/ mac sauce and make your own Big Mac for less than the cost of a Big Mac? YES (but you look poor.)

However, the real crowning achievement of the Big Mac is perpetuating the story of 'the special sauce.' Yes, I know it's just Thousand Island sauce, but the childlike curiosity in me takes over and I suspend this knowledge with every single bite I take.

Without the Big Mac special sauce there is never Frisco sauce, never In N Out sauce, there is no G Love and the Special Sauce. My life has been made better by the lie that Ray Kroc has been propagating for years and yours has too.

In fact one of my life mottos has long been 'Always order the secret sauce.' I'm not quite sure what it means but I think it's something like if someone offers you drugs in a bathroom, you should probably just roll with it.

Enjoy the weekend friends.