I have even pondered if given a lifetime of training if I could medal in ice roller derby.
Alas, I have settled on a more important query for today. Given the notoriety of the social scene in Olympic Village and the record breaking number of condoms available for the athletes, this article will seek to answer which event's athletes are the John Tucker of Pyeongchang. Who is the 2006 ATO of the village.
More simply; who fucks?
I have spent countless hours evaluating schedules, country breakdowns, athlete photos and unverified stories on Twitter to try to figure out who the cool kids are, who will be using the lion's share of those free Lifestyle condoms from the Olympic Village health center. Let's get right into it.
Since I don't want to do a couple paragraphs on every event I eliminated some events in the preliminary heats. The following did not make it to the medal round.
Curling
Biathlon
Cross Country Skiing
Freestyle Skiing
Figure Skating
Skeleton
Curling was eliminated because you can be the best in the world and still be an overweight man in your 40's, although I contend these guys would be great to get a beer with.
Biathlon was eliminated because while anyone that skis around with a rifle on their back is undoubtedly rad, I feel like these guys would rather shoot and skin a bear than court a German Aerialist at whatever dive bar the athletes make their local haunt.
Cross Country skiing almost stayed off the list for the thirst trap that is that shirtless Tongan guy, but it is undoubtedly the most boring event at the olympics.
Freestyle skiing is cool but not as cool as Freestyle snowboarding, it's like the girl that gets into Theta but really wanted Pi Phi.
I figure all the men in figure skating are either gay or already having sex with their partner.
And everyone that does Skeleton clearly has a death wish, I feel like these guys can't get turned on unless their partner is beating them over their head with a rock.
ONWARD:
The remaining events are:
Freestyle Snowboarding
Alpine Skiing
Luge
Bobsled
Speed Skating
Hockey
Ski Jumping
Onward to the medal round!!!
Just off podium...
7. Ski Jumping
Going fast and jumping off of shit is inherently fratty as fuck. I could just see these dudes shotgunning beers and flying off the training ramp into the pool yelling "SEND IT" while completely nude. They would then send these videos to Barstool and there would be a click bait article like 'NORWEGIAN BROS FUCKING SEND IT WHILE TRAINING FOR WINTER OLYMPICS"
It doesn't hurt that Scandinavians are attractive AF.
6. Luge
Luge guys are the slightly less crazy cousins to the skeleton guys. Working in their favor are two major things, scheduling and money.
Most of the luge guys are done for the games, so that means they have two weeks to fuck around and get drunk as shit. Also people in the luge game are clearly not strapped for cash. Did you see the aforementioned kid that has a FUCKING LUGE COURT IN HIS BACKYARD???
I have joked around on this blog before that I legitimately asked my parents for a water slide from my bedroom for Christmas one year. Straight out of fucking blank check. I also asked for a boat, a lake house and a BB gun. I never got any of these. Tucker West was probably fucking around one night and said 'Dad build me a fucking luge track.' AND HE DID IT. And just to make sure it wasn't a on off, Tucker must have asked for a tennis court the following year and just for good measure his dad made it grass, because why the fuck not?
The only thing that holds luge back is that the alphas of the sport are from Russia, Germany and Austria. These countries just seem a little too intense to trifle over things like cocking South Korean figure skaters, but still they garner a respectable 6th place.
5. Bobsled
I think my favorite thing about bobsled is that I like to romanticize the idea that there is a Ringo on every four man team. You know, a guy that probably isn't qualified to be there but is a great locker room guy that gets a spot join the squad anyway? I'm thinking Doug E Doug from Cool Runnings, the dude that kisses the egg, sang that stupid 'Jamaica We Have a Bobsled team' song, he probably sucked at bobsledding, but alas that dude made it to the olympics.
I too am objectively without talent, but I'm great for morale. I could've been a great unqualified fourth member of a bobsled team.
Working against bobsled is the fact that the men's four man Bobsled isn't until February 24th. The Closing Ceremonies are the 25th. Now while I imagine it is not explicitly banned to party before you compete, it's likely frowned upon. And waiting until the night of the closing ceremony to find your date is like going into the last day of Burning Man hoping for a miracle. Here's hoping the bobsled bros get a more favorable slot in Beijing,
4. Hockey
Look, hockey bros are unquestionably the coolest guys on the Earth. I once went out with an AHL player and he taught me how to snort vodka, my deviated septum has never recovered. However, this year's crop of hockey players are career minor leaguers, washed up NHL guys in their late 30's and a couple college guys.
Now while I am positive that those college guys are making it fucking rain in South Korea, these are the exceptions, not the rule...kinda like the cool guy in ZBT that you can't believe didn't get into a third street house. Furthermore, the alpha dogs in hockey are the Russian dudes, guys that got cucked by the IOC and aren't even allowed to carry their flag for the next two weeks because they got caught doing steroids, which we all know shrink your dick. If NHL guys were involved this would be an easy Gold Medal, but we're using the B teamers and that knocks hockey off the podium.
The Bronze Medal. Alpine Skiing
Congrats to the men (and women!) of Downhill, Super G, Giant Slalmon, Slalom and Combined. You all kick ass and skiing is dope as shit. You all live in Aspen, Park City and Tahoe and have been drinking at bars like Eric's, No Name Saloon and Whiskey Dicks for FAR too long. Furthermore as skiers you are much classier than your snowboarding brethren. You have names like Braden or Hunter and hang out with dudes that have an IV suffix attached to their name. You have family money. Not only have you never had to work, your dad never had to work.
You like to go fast, like really fucking fast. You motherfuckers fly down the hill at 90 mph. You hang out with Lindsey Vonn. Alpine skiers probably down 3 IPAs before racing their boys down the mountain on a top downer and last one to Apres Ski has to buy the winners shots of Louis XIV.
Norwegians dominate this event, have you ever been to Norway? Have you ever seen a Norwegian? You should go. You can take a Norwegian Air flight there for like 22 dollars. Everyone is 6 foot 2 and perfect looking. They don't talk body positivity in Norway because everyone looks like they were genetically engineered to fly fast down a mountain...and fuck. They are vikings after all.
The Silver Medal. Speed Skating
Speed skating is bad ass. Short track is better than long track and mass start is better than them both because it looks like a fucking Nascar Race. Sure a piece of me likes it because I'm waiting for catastrophic crash but also it's one of the only sports that features anyone that isn't a generic white guy. Of course that statement is unfair, I know there is a black guy on our men's hockey team and the 17 year old girl that just won half pipe has Asian heritage but speed skating is arguably the most diverse sport at the 2018 games. The US team alone has Shani Davis (in his fifth games) and JR Celski who is of Fillipino descent not to mention the 17 year old Maame Biney on the women's side of thin-
Editor's note: Dave are you really insinuating that the largely white Winter Olympians will want to have sex with some non-white athletes because it's a breath of fresh air? That's incredibly racist.
NO! I just wanted to shout out a sport that didn't look like a bachelor party at Mammoth. Ok, maybe a little (especially the German women)
What I am arguing is speed skating is bad ass. The most represented country is the Netherlands, a country famous for letting you fuck a hooker on the street while doing meth. Canada and the USA are second and third respectively and I just find that to be a bit of a power trio. I mean Shani Davis skipped the opening ceremony in a move that is both incredibly petty but also wonderfully alpha. The man is 35, has two gold medals and is single. He will steal your girl. I bet he racks up five this games...minimum. But not even Shani could knock off the kings.
The Gold Medal. Freestyle Snowboarding
It was always a battle for silver if we're being honest. What I want to know is how is Red Gerard going to spend his next 2 weeks. Does he get the Jesus Shuttleworth orgy treatment every night? Does he begin a romance with fellow 17 year old American Gold Medal winner Chloe Kim and become America's 'it' couple? Am I risking sex offender status by speculating on the personal lives of two children? Let me walk that back. I don't want to know if he's fornicating, but I do hope Shaun White buys him some beer.
Speaking of Shaun White, he is hot now. Following in the footsteps of redheads getting jacked pioneer, Carrot Top, Shaun White has transformed from something that resembled an actual flying tomato to some hybrid of Macklemore and Ryan from the O.C.
It doesn't hurt that the snowboarders are probably the only guys that can bring in some serious coin on their own outside the Winter Games. While smaller nations were literally waiting for GoFundMe campaigns to get to the games, the snowboarders shrugged while Red Bull, Burton and Oakley pick up the tab. The Speed skaters could objectively be cooler dudes but if a bunch of Snowboarders invite a Finnish Ice Dancer to fly to Mammoth on the Monster Energy private jet next weekend and stay at the K2 house, that's tough to compete with. Trust me, it's why I haven't been able to hold onto a girl in LA for longer than 3 months. There's nothing more effortlessly cool than doing what you love and getting paid a ton for it. That is the life that the snowboarders and the snowboarders only are living. Every day is their annual ski trip. These guys jump out of helicopters in documentaries funded by Vice.
Don't let their laid back stoner persona trick you. Snowboarders are running the show in olympic village. They're drinking champagne and eating lobster every night. They are working their way through every country like they are trying to check every sorority off their list. They are in the athlete's village hot tub with the Four Lokos every night, whether or not they are competing in the morning.
So roll up a joint, pump the Dave Matthews and stand for their anthem, your freestyle snowboarders are the kings of Olympic Village, if the line to get into their party tonight is too long, maybe you can meet them at their Vail Cabin for Spring Break.
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