The Shotgun Test

Last week on this blog I proposed a theory called The Shotgun Test.

The theory states that the only time you should pursue a girl is when given the option of hanging out with her or shotgunning a beer with all of your friends, you would choose the girl.

While I thought this was a brilliant bit of writing, something that might get me a book deal on relationship advice, the response to the theory was overwhelmingly negative.

The actual verbage varied but most of the responses came down to something along the lines of ‘if this was true everyone would die alone because guys will always choose their friends. Especially when shotgunning is involved…’

This is a fair criticism because:

A: Shotgunning beers is indeed awesome.

B: 99% of the time I am on a date I wish I would have just gone out with my friends.

If that would have been the end of the criticism, I would have left it at that and moved on to coin some other cool term that would set the world on fire, but then my detractors finished their statements.

‘…I mean it’s not like I REALLY want to be at the Farmer’s market with my girlfriend/wife anyway.”

A ha!

They were not opposed to The Shotgun Test. They misinterpreted it!

Of course any male in a long term relationship would rather shotgun a beer than slog to a couples cooking class. Hell, they see their girlfriend every day, might even live together. Shotgunning a beer with a friend is a rare occasion. Shit, if you’re a married guy with kids you take the shotgun test every day when you don’t blow your head off with a real life shotgun!

The shotgun test was never meant to test an actual relationship. Relationships are built on love, trust and companionship. The shotgun test is meant to test infatuation, the timeline I would refer to as the meet-cute through the honeymoon phase. Then and only then can the shotgun test be applied.

For the purpose of this article, I will walk through a hypothetical early relationship, administering my test several times throughout to give everyone a better understanding of the internet’s new hot theory.

(Note: It is unfair to administer the shotgun test during or immediately after sex. During sex no one gives a fuck about their friends, and after everyone is asexual for 15 minutes)

The Meet Cute: 

You are at a karaoke bar for a friend’s birthday. You walk to the host and ask if by chance he has ‘Party in the USA’ by Miley Cyrus.

“Shit!” You hear from behind you, “I wanted to sing that.”

Because you are feeling generous and because you possibly did a key bump in the bathroom you say something incredibly ballsy like “Why don’t we sing it together?”

It works, you guys crush it! You spend the rest of the night at the bar hanging out together, you even make out for a little bit. At the end of the night she asks if you want to walk her home…

SHOTGUN TEST. If you would rather go back into the bar and shotgun a beer with your buds you should pull the ripcord and never talk to this girl again. 

But you DO want to walk her home. She invites you inside, second base. Well done. Advance to step 2.

The First Date:

It’s a Thursday night in Santa Monica. If you’ve been dreading it all day, this is not a good sign. You should probably just text her that you have ebola and never speak to her again, but if you ARE looking forward to seeing her, this is a good sign! Since all of your favorite bars on Main Street and Rose are closed, you take her to Big Dean’s because how expensive can a date be at a bar with no kitchen or liquor?

You guys are having a great time, she is super cool! You don’t remember much from the karaoke night but you guys have a lot of the same interests. You may ask her if she wants to go back to your spot for a night cap. After all, you did clean your room and wash your sheets for the first time in three months. She goes to the bathroom so you check your phone and see a text…

“Bro, we are on the beach SHOTGUNNING BEERS!!!”

Oh shit. 

Now if your first inclination is to cut this date short, you probably have a substance abuse issue but more importantly this relationship is a non-starter. But if you ask for the check so you can get this chick in bed? Advance to step 3.

First night out with your friends:

You guys are having sex now. You look forward to seeing her, but you’re not quite dating. You definitely still introduce her to girls in your group that you secretly want to fuck as ‘Your friend’

Alas, there is still effort involved. You respond to all of her texts within 3 minutes. If she goes away for the weekend you think of fun excuses to text her other than just asking for nudes.

I remember this honeymoon phase. I once drove from Chicago to Indianapolis on a Thursday night to be with a girl for five hours and then drove to work the next day back in Chicago. It was awful but I was happy to do it. (Then that weekend I went on a drug binge in New York that hasn’t been rivaled this century, I have not been back to New York since) but still! ROMANCE IS ALIVE AT THIS POINT.

Back to the scenario. First night out with your friends, you guys go to an indie rock show at the local dive bar. Let’s call the band ‘The Aborted Abortions’ or the AAs for short. Anyway, everyone is having fun, drinking old fashioneds, dancing around, LIFE IS GOOD. 

Around one o clock in the morning, all the women are tired and ready to leave. Your kinda not-quite girlfriend asks if you just want to go back to her place.

But then your best friend walks up to you and whispers in your ear.

“There’s an afterparty downtown and…they’re shotgunning beers.”

If you decide to not only ditch your girl but to get in an uber going east of Lincoln at one o clock in the morning dump this poor girl now. It’s never going to work out.

But if you say, ‘Naw man, we’re gonna call it a night.’

Holy shit. Proceed to step 4.

Dating: The final step.

Last night you guys went to bed without having sex because you were both pretty tired. This morning she peed in the bathroom while you were taking a shower. You’re not positive but she may have farted in front of you yesterday at Whole Foods.

You’ve settled into it now, you guys are straight up dating. You still like each other. You’re planning a Palm Springs getaway! That should be fun. Some of her friends want to do a ski trip. You like to ski. Tonight is something a little less exciting, you will be joining her for a baby shower, and if there is time after that, you’re going to go check out her coworker’s UCB 101 grad school. Really compelling stuff. But right before you take that quarter bar of Xanax to numb yourself to your new reality, a desperate phone call comes in.

“Hey man, don’t ask how but I am on my way to your place right now in a limo that is taking us to Vegas to see Sofi Tukker play at Marquee. We have backstage and bottles plus a room at Cosmo. I already talked to the tour manager and he said that we can shotgun beers in the limo, on stage and in the hotel room.”

Now this is a bullshit scenario and it’s entirely unfair. Any reasonable significant other would tell you to go and have fun, but that is not the point of the shotgun test. If your relationship so insignificant that any random time you get a better offer you will fuck off and leave her to fend for her own?

If you want to go to Vegas, go. Tell your girlfriend you’re sorry, you just prefer behaving like a degenerate than pretending to be excited about childbirth.

But if you happen to say “Sorry bro, maybe next time.” Then shit dude, you better put a ring on this chick because you are in love. Maybe you have found a partner to shotgun beers with for the rest of your life.