I need to stop saying yes to things. I commit to any trip under the sun despite having a negative net worth. I do things like agree to meet people at Bungalow despite having 7% battery and knowing I will end up walking home 4 miles including past the fucking LA Marathon course.
It's a disease. I say yes because I am a people pleaser. But really all I want to do is sit on my couch or party in extreme proximity to my house. People like to say things to me like 'hey wouldn't it be fun to get out of Venice for a night?' No. It fucking wouldn't. Maybe for you a change of scenery and some 'creative cocktails' sounds nice. For me it just seems like I'm setting myself up for some awful present day Odyssey where I find myself blacked out and alone with a dead phone in Echo Park and I have to make my way home before sunrise or an angry drug dealer will kill my cat. It's like a terrible remake of The Warriors.
Usually my week looks like this.
Sunday: I'm not moving off the couch and I'm never drinking again.
Monday: I'm going to suffer through work and then come home and go to bed at 8pm.
Tuesday: Hey I can actually speak today, also still no desire to drink! Must not be an alcoholic, yay!
Wednesday: This is the type of night it would be nice to have a girlfriend and 'accidentally' finish a bottle and a half while not moving off the couch.
Thursday: Well it's basically the weekend and Three Wishes bottles are only $2.99...
Friday: Ok I'll go out as long as I can walk there.
Saturday: 9am I WILL SAY YES TO LITERALLY ANYTHING YOU ASK ME? WANNA GO TO VEGAS? FUCK YA! WANNA MURDER SOMEONE? I'M IN! LET'S CARRY OUT A 16 HOUR BENDER THAT WILL GIVE ME CRIPPLING ANXIETY FOR THE NEXT WEEK!
...and this behavior has been repeating itself for well over 10 years now. And yes, I am setting you all up for me saying no to all of your requests from now until Saturday.
Let's look at the bracket...
What a wild weekend of games, right? Trust Funds became the
The full results, favorites in bold:
Ghosting over 'being out of town'
Send nudes over 'I'm sick'
U up over Netflix and Chill
Friends in town over Dead phone
Breadcrumbing over negging
Calling yourself a feminist over splitting the check
benching over zombieing
cushioning over love bombing
No real surprises in the Fuckboy behavior region. Friends in town over dead phone actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it because a friend could presumably be in town for ten days and if you kept your phone dead of ten days you would be a psychopath.
Calling yourself a feminist was a minor upset over splitting the check but you could have seen it coming a mile away because a true fuckboy wouldn't take you near a restaurant.
So our Sweet 16 match-ups in this region are
Ghosting vs Send Nudes
U up? vs Friends were in town
Breadcrumbing vs. Feminist
Benching vs Cushioning
Honestly wouldn't be surprised to see Send Nudes make it out of this bracket. I realize that no one uses Snap Chat any more but never underestimate the desire of a fuckboy to just jerk off and completely avoid being within miles of you.
Things were much more exciting on the fuckboy lifestyle side of the bracket. The aforementioned Trust funds created a huge upset and now have a favorable run to the final. Drake took out Chuck Bass but now faces a very steep uphill battle with other late night 'afterparty' staple cocaine.
The results:
Trust fund over Entrepreneurs
Slow fade over USC
Drake over Chuck Bass
Cocaine over Entourage
Frats over finance
Cuffed Jeans over Music Festivals
Facial Hair over Scott Disick
Murray Hill over Pastels
The Sweet 16 Matchups are:
Trust funds vs Slow Fade
Drake vs Cocaine
Frats vs Cuffed Jeans
Facial Hair vs Murray Hill
There are going to be some good games this week. Get your popcorn and rose ready.
No comments:
Post a Comment