Life Update: Still a Disaster

I'm going to make an assumption. If you are reading this word vomit that I call a blog, you have abused adderall. Usually making an assumption falls under one of two fallacies, the hasty generalization or the slippery slope, but in this case I'm fairly certain, I ascertain a correct assumption.

Last night I abused adderall.

It started out well intentioned. My show is in the middle of an audit, which blows an enormous amount of dick. Thus while I was staying late and uploading scores of bullshit files to our server, I popped an orange bomb.

The thought process was this. In the next 12 hours I need to.

1. Pack for a trip.
2. Entertain friends in town.
3. Purchase a wardrobe suitable for a mountain.
4. Buy a ski bag, you know so I don't show up to an airport with just a pair of skis and tell Southwest to 'Make these appear several states away.'
5. Get to work by 8 am the next day.

Well as you can imagine, only one of those came true, and I assure you it wasn't me getting to work on time.

It all seems feasible, going shopping, packing, partying when you have the POWER OF AMPHETAMINES. Unfortunately, the only shopping I did was for wine, and for whatever reason, it seemed like a great idea to get 3 bottles of wine for a "casual byob dinner."

Let me tell you something. There is no such thing as a casual BYOB dinner. If you attempt to go to Mao's and 'have a few beers' you will fail. You will black out and proceed to Townhouse where you will dance all night. This is fine, but didn't necessarily work into my whole, 'be responsible before this ski trip' thing.

I woke up this morning at 8:30 laying on a mountain of my 'clean' clothes that I had planned on packing for my trip. I through a pile of shirts in my car, my boots, skis and drove to work, ran upstairs in a panic and realized that America was already down 1-0.

It has been a stressful morning.

Here is what I do not have: A hat, gloves, ski bag, goggles, helmet (but I wouldn't have worn one anyway because I'm not a pussy) and anything that can be considered appropriate for cold weather.

Here is what I do have: A hangover, and a baggy of 1.5 ounce bottles of whiskey.

I imagine I'm just going to show up to the airport after work holding a bunch of shit and be like...um, hey so I drank last night. Maybe this kind of thing happens all the time and they have contingency plans for this sort of thing. Or maybe, they will look at me like I'm an absolute retard. Like who would have thought I've had this trip planned for 6 months, waited until the night before to plan anything and then blacked out instead. THANKS A LOT BEN!

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to our costumes department because maybe Parenthood (sister show) did a ski trip episode in like season 2. And then maybe our props department will have like a large bag, or some tarp and tape and I can get my skis to Utah...or maybe not and I'll just be cursing myself at the ski shop checkout when I have to pay 1000 dollars to properly prep before shredding tomorrow.

But that chicken fried rice was bomb last night, and I'll never regret a drunken walk through the canals.

TL;DR Adderall will make you black out and ruin vacations

Turn Down for What

Here's a juxtaposition of my two lives.

Saturday night I am at a rooftop party staring at a baby. A loud rock band is playing extremely loud, 350 of the 400 people on this roof are smoking cigarettes and actively doing key bumps. Party baby doesn't care. Party baby is riding on his dad's shoulders as they inch closer and closer to the front row.

I'd like to imagine the events leading up to this scene were as follows. This 29 year old father heard about a blowout party down the street and he really wanted to go. But fuck...he has a kid. His options are clearly to scramble for a baby sitter or you know be a responsible adult and raise his fucking kid.
But then party baby enters and says "Let's both go! I'll help you pick up chicks, it will be great! Don't leave me here with a fucking stranger, it's Saturday night I'm ready to rage!"

So party baby and his father ended up at a rooftop party in Venice with enough booze to intoxicate the USC Greek System and enough drugs to keep the Avalon in business for a year. And you may immediately assume that I just hang out with scumbags because well, I never met a vice I didn't like, but the truth is, no one was surprised by this. Venice is just the type of community where everyone goes to the neighborhood party. The bros drink fireball and do blow downstairs, the babies ride on their father's shoulders and watch the band.

When the riot police came to shut down the party, I would like to think party baby had scouted out a back door escape route so he and his father could disappear down the alley and get home in time to pound a couple eps of sponge bob before bed.

Flash forward to Tuesday, in my catatonic state from the weekend I lean against the sink while I fill a comically oversized water bottle with tap water. See we have a water cooler, but it doesn't pour at a fast enough rate for me, so I turn on the sink full blast so I can fill my water bottle and sit back down as quickly as possible. Then this happened.

Art Department Girl: Oh my god, what the hell are you doing?

Me: I'm hungover.

Her: Do NOT drink that shit. LA has the most disgusting water in the world.

Me: I strongly doubt that, this is America, the leaders of the free world. In Africa the tap water has maggots. In Brazil it has dick parasites.

Her: Seriously you should NOT be drinking that ever, or cooking with it. Definitely don't brush your teeth with it, if you MUST shower in it, turn the shower off while you lather up.

Me: What do you mean, IF you must shower. I shower like 3 times a day.

Her: Three times a day?? WHY!?!?!?!

Me: Well when I wake up, after a workout and before bed.

Her: But we're in a drought.

Me: Well I don't really give a fuck, if LA runs out of water it will probably only affect the poor people.

Her: You really are a terrible person aren't you.

Me: Honest.

Her: Well still, if you drink that shit you will die.

Of course I wanted to get into the fact that she has NO fucking idea. I eat like a 400 pound computer hacker, I drink like a sailor and that's just the tip of the iceberg. If the worst thing going into my body is the dreaded Los Angeles county poison water, I think I'm doing, JUST fine.

That would be the sweet irony though wouldn't it? Like when you hear your favorite rock star has just died and you're like oh, heroin? Naw, he stepped on an old land mine while doing charity work in Africa. But I suppose if I died of LA tap water, at least the positive things would be remembered as opposed to the negatives. Philip Seymour Hoffman overdoses and he's a junkie, Michael Jackson gets poisoned by his doctor he's a saint. That old thing.

Or there is the extreme likelihood that I am killed when my car explodes in the next few days. See my car has a broken radiator, a blown strut, several leaking hoses and a hole in the gas tank. It straight up leaks gas, and some of the leaking gas fumes enter my venting system. To rephrase this, people often commit suicide by this method, only there is slightly more intent. I drive around with my windows down to decrease the toxicity of these fumes.

Now to a normal person this sounds insane on several levels. One, it cannot be healthy...at all. The second being that my gas tank literally leaks all day, it is a colossal waste of money. But if I put 2 gallons in the car in the morning and 2 gallons in after work I can physically make it to work and back without dying. And the truth is, that's really only what matters to me. If I can figure out some cheap band-aid to get me to the next weekend, I will ALWAYS take that over a permanent solution.

So why don't I just take my car to get fixed on a weekend, you know and stop living in perpetual fear of exploding? Well that would require me to spend more than one second on a weekend doing something that I do not want to do.

See, I am capable of waking up on Saturday morning, driving my car to Culver City, ubering home and sending my dad the invoice. Those are all things I can do, but the thing is...the beer fridge is closer to the couch. It's kind of just how I live my life, I live on a razor thin edge that could just collapse at any moment. You know if I would have just gone to that alcohol class in college there wouldn't have been a warrant out for my arrest in Indiana for 4 years. But that alcohol class would have robbed me of one evening in which I made a pledge run naked through a sorority with the words "Will you go to formal with me?" and it would have robbed me of a night where I took a thousand jagerbombs with said sorority girl and had a sloppy hook up on a frat couch.

And yes, when I inevitably pull a Paul Walker and die in a firey blaze or some girl refuses to give me road head because the gas fumes are giving her a headache, at that point I will be full of regret. But the path of least resistance has led me here thus far, and right now life isn't that bad.

I also have just an irrational faith that everything will always be fine. For example, I have a flight to Park City in 48 hours and I have nothing. All of my winter clothing is probably in a box in Indianapolis. I haven't done laundry since my birthday, my house is in such a state of disarray that I am sure I will come back from Park City to a massive insect infestation and yet I don't really care.

I'll probably get on my flight Friday, drink heavily all weekend and find a way to ski a couple days. Somehow I'll make it from Park City to the Salt Lake City airport Monday morning and show up for work...and when I get home Monday night, I'll probably still have a house. My car probably will not explode, and I'll still have this long laundry list of problems. But the thing is, I WILL ALWAYS have a laundry list of problems.

Do your laundry, clean your house, fix your car...then you start worrying about shit like when am I going to get married and am I fulfilled by my job. What am I going to do about my unfortunate credit score. 'Tis better to have more immediate short term problems to get in the way of larger more real things. Because at the end of the day it's much easier to say fuck it to some laundry and go get drunk than it is to say fuck it to having non-elective surgery.

So yes, every weekend that you say you are doing some laundry or getting some personal shit done, I just cannot relate to you, at all. Unless you just use that as a bullshit reply because you don't want your coworkers to know what you're really about (which I totally get, it's easier to say cleaning the house than I'm going to a music festival at which point I will embark on a 48 hour acid trip) we're probably just not the same. See my weekends are reserved for spending quality time with quality people, 50 mile bike rides, sky diving, surfing, going to the gun range, playing golf, building potato cannons and yes...lots and lots of excessive drinking. And I'm not fucking sorry for it. Maybe some day I'll be a sad allegory of a kid that refused to grow up and tragedy befell him.

But this Saturday I'll be sipping some hot damn at 10,000 feet shredding the gnar while you get your car fixed. Turn down for what.

Comedown Theory

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Foxy Knoxy parties at the Roxy

I have to imagine dying of an overdose is a pretty unremarkable thing. There isn't some crazy backstory to it, you're just fucked up, do one more line or shot or whatever before bed and then you die, alone. It might not have even been that crazy of a night, it's just the night your body decided to call it quits. Janis Joplin was at a shitty sports bar called Barney's the night she died. For perspective, Barney's is a gimmicky bar with foosball and air hockey next to a cool bar called Palihouse. When Palihouse rejects us, we go to Palihouse, have a few beers and play pop a shot. These nights are never very memorable, they are solid 5's. I'm sure Janis Joplin had many a crazy bender in her day. Benders that would be worthy of an overdose death. This was not one. I can't imagine having a shitty OD death. Dying would be bad enough, but dying after drinking at a crappy sports bar all night then shooting up heroin because no guys would meet up with you, it's just kinda pathetic. But all these stories become romanticized in crazy documentaries and magazine features, with detailed timelines and all the extenuating circumstances culminating in their demise, in all actuality, most people that overdose, just had a pretty shitty night that ended tragically.

Similarly, sometimes people get mad and push someone. The normative response to getting pushed is to tell the person to fuck off and push them back. But sometimes people stumble backwards and fall down a flight of stairs, or they bump their head on the wall just right and now Yeardley Love is dead and her ex boyfriend who was probably upset at the concept of her fucking another guy is going to jail probably for the rest of his life. It's not that this behavior is acceptable, you should be held accountable for the drunken mistakes you make, I'm just saying it's a fucked up gray area we live in, mistakes happen, people die, the human body is fragile…just ask Amanda Knox.

I have to say, I fucking love everything about this case. Amanda Knox is a hot white rich girl who loved to rage and had an equally voracious appetite for dick. Like any other upper middle class 21 year old looking for a semester off, she studied abroad in Italy and that's where our story begins. Our story of course ends with the tragic death of Meredith Kercher, and Amanda Knox's conviction, successful appeal and nor re-conviction. The case has turned into an international shit show about the merits of Italian law, worldwide extradition treaties and how America should or should not protect its citizens.

On the world playing field here are the players:

Italy: (The scene of the crime) Largely insignificant on the worldwide playground. Doesn't really have a stable government half the time, chose the wrong side in two world wars, is pretty to visit, has a fucked up criminal justice process. Unfortunately a bunch of shady Albanians that fuck with America hide in Italy, so we are always trying to extradite people from there to come face trial here.

UK: (Country of origin of the victim) Our BFF internationally, once owned us, we fucked them up, and now like a son who kicks his abusive father's ass and then reconciles we left the past in the past and now have a pretty strong relationship. Gives us great television and Kiera Knightley. Probably won't make an international incident out of it.

USA: (Country of the accused/guilty/innocent) In charge of the world, does whatever the fuck it wants. Could set the precedent that Americans will be held accountable for their actions abroad; won't.

Here's the thing, Italy knows that the U.S. has been policing the world, aiding Italy on a multitude of fronts, providing relief efforts and is generally looking out for the greater good and to seek an extradition on this case would really fuck with some political tension. I'm fairly certain that Italy is just going to say Amanda Knox is guilty of murder, if she ever steps foot outside Seattle she is FUCKED. It might not make the victim's family happy, but that's just the way it's going to be, because as stated above, the world is a fucked up gray area that we live in.

But what about the juicy middle, what happened to Amanda Knox that caused the death of Meredith Kercher? Well there was never a real motive presented. At the last minute, the prosecution said that Knox was a drug addicted booze hound who would bring home a random dude every knight and loudly fuck the shit out of him, Kercher would bitch about this in the morning. Everyone kind of agreed that one does not behave as an inconsiderate roommate and then murder the person that complains about said inconsiderate behavior. Especially when it is for a finite amount of time, study abroad programs end, and then everyone goes home.

The theory that was presented and abandoned early was that the death was some sort of drug addled psycho sexual fantasy gone awry. A violent 3some that you would see depicted at 4 in the morning on Cinemax. Some people choke each other out during sex, it is a thing. Not just a gag in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Teenagers choke each other out in basements in high school because its supposed to be a weird high, every year hundreds of people accidentally hang themselves during autoerotic asphyxiation.

But, it's a bit of a fucked up uncomfortable theory, so it was quickly abandoned. I don't know what happened in that bedroom, but I'm sure it was some sort of fucked up accident fueled by a lot of controlled substances and a string of bad decisions…

Then comes the cover up.

It makes you wonder, what would happen if when someone accidentally dies everyone just copped to it, would there be these long drawn out investigations or would it be called a sad accident. But when people are doing something wrong and someone dies, panic sets in, and when panic sets in a whole NEW string of increasingly bad decisions starts.

Quick, what would you do if you gave a girl molly tonight and she overdosed and died. If you're a normal person you would go to the police and tell them the truth and it would be horrible.

But your life as you know it would be over. You know that right?

I mean the victims life is ACTUALLY over, but your life would be pretty much ruined, things could never be the way they were, because of a freak accident. But people that think they have an outside shot of a way out, and are in a panic, will take that way out.

People that kill a bunch of kids in a DUI accident at .09 are not inherently monsters, they're just people that made bad decisions and had some bad luck.

If you think about it, we're all ticking grenades, every time you make a bad choice and get away with it it's a backwards positive reinforcement that there are no consequences for your choices…but when you constantly play with fire, sooner or later you're going to get burned.

So what bad decisions did Amanda Knox make that brought her here:
First of all, never start dating a foreigner abroad. It leads to nothing but trouble, and AIDS. People that go abroad, try not to immerse yourself too much in the culture, find a nice bro from a large state school that looks like he's had all his shots. Bro boyfriend would have steered you to the nearest club where a 4th tier rapper from the 90's was playing, not to go murder fuck your roommate.

Second, that new hair cut. I will say it now…no female in the history of the human race has ever improved their appearance with the chop. It looks horrifying. Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway…WHAT THE FUCK? You aren't going to make it look cool. No one will ever make short hair on females cool. Now I get it…4 days ago I had long hair. And it was annoying, it would take long to dry, I would have to do something to it in the morning if I showered in order not to look retarded…so I buzzed it off, because LOW MAINTENANCE. Then something crazy happened. A chick that I had seen a couple days before started blowing me up because she badly wanted to hook up. Like REALLY REALLY wanted it and then she saw me with the short hair and was like… "meh, why did you cut your hair? Gotta go byeeeeee."

So ladies, it goes both ways, I get it. Convenience > sexiness I'm also guilty of choosing unwisely.

No one will really ever know what happened in this case or a billion others like it, because unfortunately the victim is not here to tell the truth. Legal debates will continue about it for centuries but get pretty much nowhere. But if you try to be a good person and limit your mistakes you will have a much better chance of living to 40 without a felony conviction. So why doesn't everyone just go ahead and stay in and read a book tonight? K?

If you need me I'll be at Dada Life, rolling my balls off.

7 things I discovered rewatching the OC season 1

 I remember when Thursdays used to mean I was going to black the fuck out with upper middle class people that shared my ideals and values. Those values were expensive clothing, a physically fit appearance and non-committal drunken sex with people within the circle. There were no worries about STD's or pregnancies because "hey, scabies and hepatitis C don't vacation in Carmel" and everyone's parents put them on a steady regiment of birth control at the age of 16.

Unfortunately, gone are the hairy bears, gone is the playground afforded to me by my Greek System bubble...the worst part of graduating could arguably be the loss of a social eco-system in which the overbearing bro archtype is king. Now I live in a sess pool of liberalism that makes my head hurt, I can't even go to Deadspin anymore because of shit like this...

Bush is Back and no, not that Bush. If W were in power my company would still be forced to give me health insurance. But mere hours after I wrote an entire blog comparing pubic trimming to laziness, American Apparel has to go out and start the trend that waxing is no longer the preferred look? "I don't want my partner to look like a pre-pubescent girl!" Oh what a hot feminist take! Well I don't like my partner looking like a grizzly bear, and I also don't think a pro-fat message should be preached because obese people die earlier but I guess I'm just a relic of the past at this point, fuck me.

Also what the fuck is all the outrage about Justin Bieber I understand he is a colossal douchebag and everything, but SPARE ME the pictures of horrifically disfigured DUI victims. He was fucking .04. Every single one of you drives at .04, your parents drive at .04, even if you don't drink, you've sucked down enough Listerine to hit .04. He was driving 55 down a closed down street in Miami with another douchebag, but they weren't endangering anyone's life. #deportbieber how about we deport the illegals that don't pay taxes. Again, what an insensitive thing of me to say.

So what are we? A society of acceptance or do we want to have a lynching of a Canadian pop icon because we're jealous that we can't be the ones having all the fun. (Read that, it's an excellent PGP article)

I just can't take it anymore. I don't live in a world of like minded frat guys and sorostitutes (that wouldn't dare sport bush) anymore. I wish that island existed, but it doesn't.

We live in a fucked up world where Grantland writer's basically get accused of murder for outing transexual con-artists. When did everyone have to start forming and sharing their opinion on everything (yes I have an opinion but this is my blog...I go to deadspin and Grantland for sports and dick jokes) sometimes the real world is annoying and I had to escape just for an afternoon to my 2nd favorite place in the whole wide world...

Orange County.

Oh no, I didn't drive the 40 miles down the PCH to Newport Beach. I took it one step further. Over 48 hours I rewatched the entire first season of The OC. To say the least, it was magical. No arguments about gay marriage or marijuana legalization, no feminist opinion columns, just attractive people and simple plot lines.

For those of you who don't remember, or didn't watch to begin with, the OC really caught lightning in a bottle. For 27 hours (27 episodes season 1) the melodrama of a kid from the other side of the tracks moving to a rich town captivated a large portion of generation Y. I don't know if it was the likable actors, the sharp writing of Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage or if it was just the perfect teen soap for a lost generation of millenials in the mid oughts. That said, 10 years later the show still holds up as well as it did in 2003. In fact, if anything, going back to rewatch it showed me how far superior it was to Schwartz's major primetime follow up, Gossip Girl. (And this is not my west coast bias, OC > GG is fact not opinion.)

Please, cue the Phantom Planet and allow me to take a trip down memory lane and point out 7 things that I rediscovered from watching the single greatest season of television ever produced.

1. Oliver is the worst fucking character of all time.
I am far from the first person to make this statement, I think it's pretty much universally accepted.
This character gave me a fucking migraine, every time he would appear on screen I would go into panic attacks. Never have I wanted to jump through the television and murder a character more.
Think about the worst things ever done on a TV show. A few of the Todd murders from Breaking Bad were pretty rough, Wallace getting killed was pretty demoralizing in The Wire, but STILL...nothing compares to Oliver's rat faced weaselness.

Upon doing some further research, Taylor Handley's career hasn't done that well either. He has consistently booked a few guest starring roles on network tv in the years since, and he even booked a gig as a regular on the ill-fated CBS show 'Vegas.' But that show didn't see a second season and many of the other shows he has touched have turned to shit because Hollywood executives and the American public can't get over the fact that this motherfucker is Oliver and he is AWFUL.

2. Summer was really a massive cunt.
Rachel Bilson was initially only a guest star with a limited story arc (she didn't become a regular until either season 2 or late in season 1) as I imagine the scope of the series was originally going to be much smaller: following Ryan on his journey from Chino to Newport under the supervision of the affable Cohen clan. (His nemesis, Chris Carmack DID receive star billing) However, my assumption is that when the world fell in love with Seth Cohen, producers decided he needed more screen time and story lines thus the Summer vs. Anna triangle.

The problem was, producers had painted themselves into a corner by making Summer the most unlikable bitch on the tv show. She was basically the female version of Luke. She was a drunk, a slut and consistently would shit all over Seth and Ryan both. Anna was amazing, she was a dream girl, fun, quirky like a Zooey Deschanel that doesn't suck (think Elf instead of New Girl) The story dragged for almost all of season 1, but when the writers finally had to make a choice they went Summer, presumably because Rachel Bilson was more classically beautiful than Samaire Armstrong? Summer would grow to become a great character later in the show's run, so much so that you forget how awful she was initially.

3. Stefan Salvatore is the punk that shot Luke
Clearly the OC had a much larger following than the Vampire Diaries, but you can imagine my delight when I found out that Paul Wesley is the bartender at The Crab Shack who hails from the same type of rough neighborhood as Ryan. After he and Ryan (and Seth) strike up a relationship, Wesley's character convinces Seth to take him to a Newport party. You may remember early in the season Ryan and Marissa swimming on some sort of quasi-date. Seth interrupts because Paul Wesley pulls a gun and is about to shoot everyone. Luke gets shot in the arm, Wesley gets arrested BUT when Marissa visits Luke in the hospital they get back together and then they FUCK. (She breaks up with him after he is caught cheating 2 episodes later but god dammit that virginity should have been Ryan's) Fun note: Paul Wesley was still going by his Jewish sounding Polish name at the time, Paul Wasilewski.

4. The first season was picked up for a back order...twice
Here is a little inside baseball for you. Most first season shows are given an initial order of 12 episodes (plus the pilot for 13) if about halfway through the season things are going well, the network will order an additional 9 episodes, bringing the total season to 22. The OC had an initial order of 16, then was picked up for a back 6 (bringing the total to 22, a full season) but with room on the schedule and interest from all parties the season was extended AGAIN by 5 more episodes. So if it seems like the first season of the OC went on forever, it's because it kinda did. The first season spanned almost an entire year, and was 5 hours longer than most hour long drama series.

5. The Non-Newportcentric episodes were AT BEST tolerable
When the show was at it's best, it was exploring the metaphorical impact of a fish out of water. Ryan, going from the ghetto to the richest of the rich. I think in the first season, writers thought that another black tie party, Cotillion, yacht party would bore the audience. Once every 6 episodes or so, the action was taken out of Newport. And while episodes in Vegas, LA and Tijuana were pretty great...any episode that explored Ryan's past was a fucking train wreck. First you have the aforementioned ghetto coworker who shot someone and got Ryan in trouble, then there was the whole Trey thing (DIFFERENT actor than Logan Marshall Green aka Trey season 2/guy who bangs Lisbeth Salander in Prometheus) where Ryan goes back to Chino, introducing us to Theresa UGHHHHHHHHHH. She was the fucking worst, why can't she make like a good little hoodrat and get killed by a stray bullet. Anyway, I understand that in a 'drama' things can't just be going swell for all of our favorite characters the whole time, but anything that ever got in between Ryan and Marissa was enough to drive me to murder.

I was never as connected to the whole Seth/Summer thing (maybe it was lingering feelings for Anna) but you try to separate Ryan Atwood and Marissa Cooper we have a problem. (I was even pissed at Olivia Wilde for muching her box in season 2)

When you look back at much of the rest of the series run betwixt Ryan and Marissa, they were rarely together, in fact other than a solid 5 episode run in the middle of the first season, it was really all downhill from the time they met (fucking Volchek and Chris Pratt)

6. Sandy and Kiersten Cohen, the couple that came SO CLOSE to adultery.
For whatever reason, I had always kind of thought that the will they/won't they took place entirely in season 2. Sandy with his client and Kiersten with her magazine editor. That was wrong. They are on the verge of throwing it all away by basically the 3rd episode. Tate Donovan is hot and heavy for his high school girlfriend, even attempting to kiss her at some point. On the flip side, Sandy Cohen is relentlessly pursued by a hiring partner at his law firm.

Sandy Cohen is the best tv dad of all time. He is fucking amazing in almost every aspect. He surfed every day before work, he stood by Ryan always and he gave that kind of dopey advice with just the amount of embarrassing dad humor. Meanwhile Kiersten was about as cool as a Real Housewife of the OC can get. For this reason, had either of them actually ever cheated I would have lost all faith in the institution of marriage. Their marriage as a storyline pretty much always went in 5 episode arcs where they would reach their breaking point, only for Kiersten to realize at the last possible moment, how amazing Sandy Cohen is.

7. It's probably the last big 4 network teen drama we will ever give a shit about
Gossip Girl got close to cultural relevance on the CW a few years ago, but the innocence of the mid 2000's is gone. It's the last generation that didn't grow up with sexting on iPhones and accessible molly. This was a show about teens drinking, making some bad decisions with a little bit of cocaine and some prescription pills. That can't be recaptured. With an ever evolving reliance on technology, plotlines would now revolve around Luke leaking a screenshotted snap of Marisa's tits, or Melinda Clarke running a background check on Ryan using her iPad. It's just over.

The consumption would be different too. I used to go to a friend's house (she was a girl!) every Thursday night to watch the show (on a school night!) Now people would watch in in bed on Hulu, or bingewatch a season on NetFlix, alas destroying some of the magic of watching it live with a big group. I remember senior year spending all day Wednesday (or Thursday or Friday, it moved around a lot) talking about the previous night's episode.

The major networks don't even target teen dramas anymore, the CW has a monopoly on it (and a little on ABC Family) and even those shows are skewing younger and more female more every year.

Maybe it's for the best that we just remember Newport Beach as a picturesque dreamworld that we visited once a week, once upon a time. (I've been to the real Newport Beach, it's pretty rad but not much like what was seen on the show...it was primarily shot in Malibu and the South Bay)

And if you're ever having a rough hangover day, every episode is available on iTunes for the reasonable price of 2 bucks a pop. (It's the best investment you'll ever make) In retrospect it was a great show, and a reminder that the coming of age tale is an American Tradition like no other.

Buried somewhere deep in my childhood home is a lime green Ipod mini that probably still has every OC soundtrack on it. (My GOD, how did we not touch on the MUSIC?!?!?! Talk about cultural phenomenon) I may need to dig that up next time I go home so I can throw on some Ronney and remember exactly what it feels like to be 17 again.

The Story

I don't really keep my room particularly clean. It's not that I prefer a messy room, I actually really enjoy it when it's immaculate. However, slowly but surely I trash it again and then, I find one of a billion things better to do than clean my room. In fact, I don't usually clean it unless I have a Saturday afternoon that I'm not hungover nor do I have a day drinking obligation. This occurs once every three-ish weeks. I take an adderall, blast musicals, and clean my horrible room. I suppose you could say the state of my room is a bit like a lunar cycle. However full the moon is, is a reflection of how dirty my room is.

This of course goes out the window if I think there is a greater than 20% chance I'm going to have sex with someone I want to impress that particular evening. In that case, I will go out of my way to clean my room before I go out so on the off chance than I convert, it will appear as that I live like a normal human being.

However, that is not to say I don't go out sometimes with a thrashed room and through some act of wizardry manage to convince someone to sleep with me. It happens on occasion. Of course I know in the back of my mind that it's going to be awkward when she has to ford a river of crusty gym socks, and I try my best to push for the away game. But often times, that isn't possible and I'm too drunk to give a shit. So we go back to my horrible room, I half heartedly apologize while I'm ripping her clothes off, and then I feel a deep shame in the morning while I'm diving through landfills of laundry in search of a black bra.

I assume this is the feeling that girls get when they realize they haven't shaved in a few days.

I imagine it isn't necessarily a pleasant experience, going to the waxer, or going through the process of self shaving in the bath tub. It's probably a whole thing that takes a long time, and quite frankly, you have better shit to do. Hair removal has a lot in common with cleaning one's room as it is put off until the problem has gotten out of control, or the need to impress someone else is imminent. But again sometimes we forget, or unexpected things just happen. That's life.

Or sometimes you just don't give a fuck about the other person so you have sex with them in a dirty room, with an unkempt nether region. I think we've all been in these scenarios in one capacity or another so it's time to move on. When the dust clears the next day, it's just a story.

The story...
That's why we do everything right?

I was thinking today about all the reasons in the world that one could give for going out to a bar on a Friday night, and I think it boils down to roughly 2 reasons.

1. You are an alcoholic and you are out of booze at home. The bar is closer to you than the nearest liquor store.

I think the term "alcoholic" is thrown around a little too liberally. A true drunk, gets fucked up just because. They aren't doing it so they can do better with chicks, so they can become a maniac on the dance floor, so they can last 20 minutes in the sack instead of 5...they do it because they crave the chemical reaction that booze affords them. A real drunk would probably prefer to do this in the privacy of their own home (or street corner) but if you run out, and the liquor store is closed for some reason but the bar is open, this is one reason for going to a bar.

2. All other people are going out for the story.

Arguments a plenty will ensue.

Naw bro, I go out to get LAID!

Well that's fair. I assume many people have that as a goal of theirs when they ascend upon the town.

But do you really go out for the 10-15 second period in which you pathetically orgasm after a drunken romp with a stranger? Or is it also about recounting with your buddies the next day the pathetic one liner that got her to agree to come home with you. The fact that you guys found her phone in a pile of vomit in the morning, the fact that you ran up a 300 dollar tab on some OTHER dude's credit card because the bartender thought you said DON CLARK not JOHN CLARK.

The point is, more often than not the reason we do whatever it is we do is because we are creating memories. Life essentially breaks down to creating and recounting memories.

One of the most narcissistic cliches is "omg, our life could be a tv show" but the truth is, it could. Your life is a coming of age story, and the peaks and valleys across the way and how you react are what define you.

My argument is not that going out drinking will lead to crazy and exciting things happening in your life that you will always look fondly back on. You could get drunk, hop in a car and kill yourself, I'm just saying that most of us are generally seeking the same thing.

I go out a lot. And I used to think, maybe it was a little too much. Maybe there are better things to do with your hard earned money than piss it away on overpriced drinks while chasing girls. But you never know when you're going to meet your future partner (you never want to meet your future mate at a bar? Go fuck yourself, I'm sure just as many successful marriages started with a drunken blow job than an internet date on Christian Mingle*) or even just an epic night out with a friend who could get sick or move away. I spend hours recounting good times with friends, it's how I personally get through some of the shitty times.

*This is probably not true

One should try to maintain balance with a career they enjoy and some hobbies that don't require 48 hours of recovery time, but you're an adult and you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. I know lots of people that are doing no drink January and that is fucking awesome for them. I am genuinely proud of them because that makes me happy. Personally, what made me happy last weekend was blacking out, trying to get random chick's numbers all Friday night and watching the entire first season of the OC Saturday and Sunday while I recovered. I didn't make a New Year's resolution because I think they're fucking retarded. I do exactly what I want and I think there is something poetic to that.

And I think if that floats your boat, you should do it too! Maybe I'll write an autobiography some day, maybe you will too. And even if you don't you're still metaphorically writing your own story. Whether that story involved messy rooms or pubic hair or just creating a few good memories with some good company. Look, maybe as a writer I value the art of storytelling, more than others, maybe some would argue that only people that are unhappy focus on their past. But I don't see the two as mutually exclusive, in fact here is some future oriented thinking, this weekend I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm probably going to fill out a few chapters.

Keep it real, y'all.

What the Buzzfeed article really says about you

Recently, the blog has come under criticism and I want to address that really quick. I realize that the content I put on here is pretty horrible. It's offensive, it demeans everyone and it makes me out to be a pretty terrible person. Now despite the fact that I am pursuing a career as a comedy writer and that I hide behind the veil of fiction and a character I have to acknowledge the fact that these words can translate into real hurt.

That said, no one is putting a gun to your head to read this, there is a fucking warning that you have to click through to get here. If this site offends you, go read some post feminism bullshit on Jezebel, you may feel safer there. If my Facebook offends you, there is something that I have heard of that some Ex-girlfriends do...ah yes, the passive aggressive unfriending. I promise, I won't be bothered. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a real writer, I'm not spreading a web of hate around the world, I'm expressing a few random over the top thoughts that give a few of my friends a good laugh.

We've gotten to the point in our lives that it's too late to apologize for anything. You're not always going to gel with the people you did once upon a time, at this point move on...if you don't like me or my writing then fuck you, see you never. Avoid the Venice neighborhood of Los Angeles and you can probably avoid ever seeing or hearing from me again. I'm not a bad guy, I just give very few fucks about certain things that other people value. If some day I become a real writer and this blog surfaces I'll tell everyone I was a struggling comedian looking to make a splash, and that shit gets forgiven in LA because "ART" or some bullshit like that. And for those of you who think I possess talent but I'm throwing it away writing vile filth, I appreciate the concern and I promise I'm writing some other stuff too, it's just more fun to play the villain at the moment.

Thanks.

Now, onto the vile and filth.

You may have seen a Buzzfeed article floating around in the last 24 hours that gives you a very short questionaire that tells you where you should live. This has become very popular for several reasons.

1. Most people are pretty miserable with their current life and fantasize about moving somewhere else and everything being better.

2. They believe that an exotic location will provide them validation that they must too be an interesting person, which is why their personality seemingly syncs to a cool world city, even though there is a finite list of cities and no one will be doomed to Lincoln, Nebraska.

3. Fuck it, it's only like 6 questions and everyone else is doing it, I can't wait to find out I belong in Paris and post it for all my besties!!!!!

So before I start shitting all over some really interesting world cities, let's go through the actual test question by question and get into some deep analysis on why preferring your Beyonce vagina pre birth lands you somewhere in the far east.

Question 1.
How do you take your coffee?

To be honest, I could probably go 5,000 words on each individual question and what the answer says about you as a person. Instead, I'll just give you my answer and some quick thoughts on how I arrived there.

Your choices are:
Local/Organic, by the pot, cappuccino extra foam, pour over, don't drink, Iced, espresso, black or skinny vanilla latte

My choice was: By the pot. Now to be honest, my pretentious Starbucks order is usually the seasonal latte. Pumpkin Spice, Gingerbread, Cinnamon Dulce or the Chestnut Praline if I'm lucky enough to be in a test market. However, after my PSL/GBL/CDL/CPL I have 12 to 15 cups of shitty black coffee at work, because I cannot get through a single day without a minimum of 20 mg of Adderall and 10000 mg of caffeine. No I do not have trouble sleeping, I take a large dose of NyQuil daily at 10pm.

Impact: One would assume this question is pure Portland bait, but I know of several people who claimed "no coffee" and still got shafted in the land of rain and vampires. None of these answers make you a total ass hat, except maybe local/organic. SVL implies you are a cute girl watching her weight, which I endorse. All the other answers are fairly legit, except I don't really know what the fuck pour over means, is that some type of French press bullshit? Whatever, however you take your coffee, I shan't judge. Mornings suck, coffee (and getting up every 5 minutes to refill and/or pee) make them tolerable.

Question 2.
What's your jam?

This was a flawed question because it offered a limited selection of genres, you basically had 6 pop songs (Ke$ha, Beyonce, JT, Lorde, Elle, Shakira) a dubstep (Skrillex) a classic rock (GnR) and some hipster bullshit indie rock (Bon Iver)

My choice was: Bangarang. All of the pop songs are fine and I came dangerously close to picking "Timber" but due to the involvement of Pitbull and the fact that there are pictures of fat Ke$ha covered in semen floating around the internet, I just couldn't pull the trigger. Sweet Child O Mine is a jam too, but at the time, rolling at Coachella sounded better than chugging beer at the Viper Room.

Impact: Again, I can't even begin to decipher how this could label you. Leaning electronic would likely lead to a party culture (LA, NY, Rio, Spain. Cape Town) and I suppose leaning indie would ingratiate you to a more hipster locale, but again I know a billion people that were damned to Portland, and I am yet to meet someone that chose Bon Iver as their "jam."

Question 3.
What could you eat forever?

This question becomes a little more transparent as a lot of these answers lend directly to one culture or another.

My choice was: Steak and potatoes, no question.

Impact: Had you gone chocolate that will probably push you more toward central Europe. Pizza, Italy (or NY) Curry = India, Sushi almost definitely Tokyo and then there were a couple of latin food options. Fortunately for me, Cedar Rapids, Iowa was not a possible destination so I believe this question likely had little impact on me, despite being the answer I was most passionate about. Question though, who the fuck just LOVES bread...and are there really people that prefer chicken to steak?

Question 4.
Pick a hashtag.

This was clearly the most pathetic question on the test. Trying to capitalize on social media culture, we were given 9 shitty hashtags to pick from, all incredibly high on the douchometer.
#YAASSS #YOLO #WINNING #BLESSED #SORRYIMNOTSORRY #FOODPORN #NOFILTER #BLESSED #YOLO (IRONIC EDITION)

My choice: Again, impossible to avoid douchiness on this one, but I went with sorryimnotsorry because it's fairly close to "sorry for partying" which was my favorite thing to say senior year of college.

Impact: I don't know what YAASSS means, is it supposed to be like "Your ass?" Anyway most of these are celebratory hashtags that you would expect to accompany Bobby Bottleservice on Insta. Blessed is most certainly an African American athlete, Foodporn is foodies and no filter is likely an aspiring photog. Again the ironic yolo pushes you toward hipsterville. I'm guessing that most of the party hash tags pushed you toward a nightlife epicenter, while the foodporn leaned Europe and the Blessed leaned to a culture that takes religion a little more seriously.

Question 5.
Pick a Beyonce.

Ok maybe THIS is the most pathetic question on the test. Personally I think Beyonce is fine. She is an attractive female with catchy songs and she's beautiful, but I don't find her to have the cultural impact of say the first season of the OC. Imagine if this question was "Which OC season 1 character are you" How much better would that have been? #TeamSandy.

My choice: Crazy in Love Beyonce. She was 22, hot as fuck and the song had Jay Z (I was in high school and still thought I was black) However, if Halo Beyonce or Irreplaceable Beyonce were choices I would have gone that way. Basically I like my Beyonce Post Destiny's Child, Pre Blue Ivy.

Impact: I have no fucking clue, there was a vegan Beyonce answer, that probably doomed you to living in a sober-living Co-op in Echo Park.

Question 6.
Pick your bucket list vacation.

I'm pretty sure this question sealed my fate as I had pretty much done everything in question or some form of it. (I've not been to Bali, but I imagine all island vacations are fairly similar)

My choice: Safari. I have not been on a safari, nor have I been to Africa. I'm not sure it's the once vacation I would choose if given the opportunity to go tomorrow, but I would like to go before I die. Of all the things on the list that I have already done, the one I would most like to do again is backpack Europe, skydiving was terrifying.

Impact: Probably pretty substantial. All of these amazing vacations take place somewhere exotic. I landed in Africa after claiming I wanted to go on a safari. Lots of people that put Coachella (LA), Hamptons(NY) or roadtrip probably end up domestic and I'm guessing the Euro options push you in that direction.

Question 7.
Pick your poison.

I read on the buzz feed comments section a lot of complaints about the lack of option for non-drinkers. If you don't drink, you don't deserve to fantasize about what life would be like in a different more interesting location. Maybe you should start, your life could drastically improve.

My choice: I think I went craft beer, probably my most pretentious choice of the whole survey. A few years ago I would've gone shots! You really can't go wrong with this one though as there is a time for all of these in our lives. Sometimes you crave an old fashioned (whiskey) mojitos are great on island vacations, red wine for dinner parties, GnT and Vodka soda are both perfectly acceptable go to cocktails and I suppose if you are going out for sushi white wine plays.

Impact: At this point the formula is pretty obvious. There are questions that plot you based on a general location, and questions that map how much you like to party. At the end these 2 raw scores are compounded to find the city that is the closest fit. This spectrum probably went shots on the Barcelona end to craft beer in Portland (lucky me!) with red wine landing you somewhere in the middle which is probably a more conservative European city.

Question 8.
What do you look for in a mate?

Sadly "permission to do cocaine off of their private parts" was removed at the last minute, but the answers weren't too tough to see through here.

My choice: Was spontaneity. A rather random answer, I really do value this a lot. I want to be able to ask a girl if she wants to drive down to Tijuana just for the hell of it on a Wednesday and have her dive in head first. I also seek this in friends a lot of the time. Life is too short not to say fuck it and fly to Vegas once in a while.

Impact: Guessing that this was gauging again how adventurous you are. Fashion/money would push you more toward a NYC/Paris/London while dancing/sexy are the shallow answers that would land you in a party town. Smart/humor/witty were likely interpreted as the hipster answer that landed you on the set of a Fred Armisen sketch show, Spontaneity was likely a wild card.

Question 9. (Last one!!!!)
How do you exercise?

Another lifestyle question. Do you get in touch with your inner zen through bikram yoga or do you get down with another type of sweat via MDMA consumption?

My answer: I burn calories by partying. Ya, I know...I'm a tool, but there was no box for "I spend 30 minutes at the gym doing glam muscles"

Impact: All of these answers were pretty whack. If you said your exercise is sex, I hate you. Same with shopping (we get it, you really want Paris) In fact the only people I respect are the extreme sporters and the hikers. If you don't exercise or "just stay skinny naturally" go fuck yourself.

WELL THAT'S IT?!?!?!?! HOW DID YOU DO?

From my very hasty research, these were the potential outcomes:
-Capetown, South Africa
-Tokyo, Japan
-New York, NY
-Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
-London, UK
-Paris, France
-Los Angeles, CA
-Portland, OR
-Barcelona, Spain

I would imagine that's the comprehensive list, 9 questions, with 9 potential answers yielding 9 outcomes. Logic would be with me, if I missed one, please let me know,

So let's start with me.

Capetown, RSA

What does this say about you?
I'll be honest, I don't know shit about South Africa. It kinda looks like the Rio of Africa. I've heard there is some bad gang violence and I would imagine that there are some unresolved racial tensions, you can actually visit the island prison that held Mandela for all those years. That said, it's got a beach, it's warm and Dave Matthews is from there. So it sounds vaguely similar to Venice, I'm sure I would love it. Sample things to do include getting hammered on the beach, climbing mountains with stunning ocean views. It's basically just like Temescal except the white people have funny accents. The people that landed in Capetown were likely all over the board with their answers. They love to party, but life is more about the adventure for them. These people want to go on shoot the shit out of African rhinos on an illegal poaching safari, but probably won't have very good aim because they've been shotgunning Glenhoffs all day (did a quick Google search, turns out South Africa is known for its microbrews! Thumbs up!)

Tokyo, Japan

What does this say about you?

All the people I know that are obsessed with eastern culture are weird as fuck, but at the same time pretty cool. I'm still amazed that barely 50 years after we decimated a country with 2 atomic bombs they have basically gotten over it. You can just study abroad in Japan if you want, no problem. In fact, the Japanese people probably won't give you any shit at all unless you are making a documentary about their dolphin hunting practices. I choose to believe that both Karate Kid sequels and Fast 3: Tokyo Drift are bullshit for 2 reasons. 1. I find Asians to be the least scary minority. 2. Picking on foreigners would seem to be a shameful act and since we know all Japanese people are samurai, this would cause them to stab themselves in the stomach. If you got Tokyo, I'm assuming you really love sushi, you're probably a bit off personality wise, but enjoy learning, studying and discovering new things. You have an introverted intensity about you, and your dream car growing up was a Mitsubishi Spyder. Sick ride brah! Make sure to get that pink underflow!


New York, NY

What does this say about you?

This is the first of the destinations that I think people are really trying for. Let me say 2 things about that. First of all, I don't fucking get the whole New York thing. It's not awful, in fact I applaud the fact that the girls are seriously DTF and 12 hour benders at Bro J's are about the greatest thing in the world. It's a city that embraces debauchery, staying out all night and never growing up, you would think it would be my fantasy, but for reasons unknown, I'm just not into it. Number 2, if you game a test just so it can validate that you belong in NYC you're fucking pathetic. I realize that there are certain barriers to entry to moving certain places in the world, but anyone can load up their station wagon and drive to Brooklyn where they will overpay for a roach invested janitor's closet, but hey, it's 'the city." New York people probably picked a mixture of fashion nightlife and food. (I'm not certain how this varies from any of the other cosmopolitan world cities, perhaps cocktails instead of wine?) I will say this about New York: if you live there, mad respect. It is a fucking struggle, you better be going for it in some bad ass industry or you have successfully conned your parents into letting you live the SATC lifestyle. You're staying young, and suffering through winters because 'hey SantaCon is legit, and those Manhattan summers, my GOD. Have you been to a fleet week party? Fuck ya, I go out for $20 cocktails on Tuesday nights, and I stay up all night Saturday and go straight to brunch and sometimes I do cocaine on Monday mornings before work because snorting concerta just doesn't cut it sometimes.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

What does this say about you?

Dude, I don't even know what the fuck to think about Rio. Is it this beach paradise that their tourism board is pumping in advance of the World Cup and Olympics or is it the City of God? The slums of Rio have become more feared than the hardest ghettos in America's shittiest cities. The Prostitutes give blow jobs to corrupt cops in exchange for English lessons...why? Because they want to be able to succinctly up charge visiting Americans who want to put it in their ass come 2016. I have to admit, I appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit. But what does Rio say about you? I think it's like the next party destination for those that are over Europe. Most of the professional partiers I know head to South America after they have conquered Europe. It's also like the hip spot to go. "Oh you went to Ibiza? I went to Lollapalooza Chile, hiked the Andes and then lived with an Incan tribe for 2 months." It takes a free spirit to travel down to an emerging economy with high crime (Brazil, Russia, India, China called BRICs are supposedly the superpowers of the future) but hey the jungle sounds fun and where else are you going to use that Portuguese you learned from your gardner growing up?

London, UK

What does this say about you?

London is one of the few places on this list that I could see myself living, like forever. Everywhere else would be fun to visit for 2 weeks, but after a while I need some English speaking folk from western culture with whom I can communicate. They have excellent culture, history and sport but god dammit do I hate the rain, and oh by the way, if you thought New York was expensive? Well you can choke on a dick while you do that dollar to pound conversion because the ass raping the exchange rate gives you won't be much more comfortable. London is like the European New York. If your choices indicated that large city life is important to you but, you know outside of the states, this is probably where you ended up. Equal parts nightlife, fashion and a killer music scene, the majority of the people that ended up here probably weren't throwing down a hashtag food porn. Maybe the American sentiment is too fucking soft for you, 'those damn yanks should quit their bitching about political correctness, we say cunt on the BBC" I agree guys, I agree. People in London will drown pints all night, smoke a pack of cigarettes and refuse to apologize, I'm almost a little upset this isn't where I landed.

Paris, France

What does this say about you?

The second on the list of places that you could end up if you wanted to. I can just see some pathetic Fashion Merchandising major from Akron, indicating her love of red wine, fashion and a mate who is sophisticated! OMG I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!!! I BELONG IN PARIS! Facebook share! Look at meeeeeeI got Pareeeeee! Ok, who am I to rain on someone's parade. If you have never left the country but your dream is to someday travel to Paris and fall in love I won't stop you. I mean I saw Before Sunset (like back in 2004 you guys, before it was the cool thing to do) I know how awesome it looks. And I mean, Midnight in Paris? Yes. But that's the thing about Paris, it's a lot like the movie Elysium, the idea is amazing, the execution is...eh? Paris isn't some crazy romantic city full of possibilities. You have a nice wine picnic in a park by the Eiffel tower, you check out that art museum and that's about it. Sure it has great fashion, a culture of drinking, good food and just kind of watching the world go by, but so does every major city if you want it to. Add Paris to the list of cities I just don't really understand. The people are dick heads (and despise you) and there just isn't a whole lot going on. The Moulin Rouge is like a shitty whore house in the ghetto, you're only a 2 hour train ride to the French Riviera which is the greatest place in the world. Here's what you do, if you ever find yourself in Paris, train it down to Nice, hop the 35 minute train to Monte Carlo and get lost there. If you're going to drift through life doing nothing, Monaco is a much better place to do it.

Los Angeles, CA

What does this say about you?

LA is like the anti-city. It's a collection of wildly diverse neighborhoods that don't really fit together at all. The wealthiest people in the city and the poorest live within just a couple miles of each other and have nothing in common. I live in Venice, but have friends that live in West Hollywood that refuse to visit. That said, because of it's diversity it has a little bit of everything for everyone. What do you look for in a home? Tight knit community, good old fashioned morals and values? This is not the place for you. Do you want to live in a town that values creativity and never be cold again, this is it. People often say that the worst part about LA is the people and the smog, but if you're surfing, hiking and checking out the explosive music and film scene you kind of accept the trade off. It's a city full of selfish people but that can also mean intense focus on attaining one's dreams. You like food, fashion, partying and the lingering idea that any night could be the craziest of your life, LA is a town for you. You like relaxing by the beach all day and watching 365 sunsets a year, LA is a town for you. The whole city is like a choose your own adventure novel, the city has less of a personality than others, instead it is a land that is what you make it.

Portland, OR

What does this say about you?

OK, I'm not going to shit on Portland too hard, I just think it's so funny how inexplicably SO many people ended up here. It's clearly the least exotic/desirable place on the list. I mean it's a city known for the lumber industry. (Do you think that 'Timber' led here???) But let's be honest, Portland is a billion times better than most US cities, I mean it's better than Cleveland right? U of Oregon is a big party school right? Good skiing up in the Pacific Northwest? The thing that kills me is how much Portland embraces the hipster culture. I feel like the city is one giant walking stereotype. Beards, organic coffees, wool plaid shirts and a resurgence of American Folk music. (Inside Llewyn Davis is crushing it in this market) The thing is, when I think of Portland I think of Fred Armisen, and when I think of Fred Armisen I just think of someone who isn't funny. He was fucking Peggy (Elizabeth Moss) and then she broke up with him saying 'the most successful character he ever pulled off was convincing the world that he was a normal person.' That's how I feel about Portland, it's a cloudy place with lots of pine trees. You know what show takes place up there? Grimm and The Killing. I bet there really ARE monsters living in those woods. Both of those shows just look depressing as fuck. Almost every city on the list is an AWESOME beach town or some metropolis infused with crazy culture and history. Portland is like overcast and 62, you're not totally bummed about it, it's just meh. But hey, I bet the fair trade tea section at their whole foods is off the hook.

Barcelona, Spain

What does this say about you?

OHHHHH SHIT!?!?!? You like to fucking rage!!!! I can see your survey now. SHOTS, PARTY CALORIES, COFFEE IS BLACK LIKE MY SOUL AND I DRINK SO FUCKING MUCH OF IT! MY BITCHES BETTER DANCE AND I LIKED BEYONCE WHEN SHE WAS WITH DESTINYS CHILD, FUCKING 4SOME FANTASIESSSSSS. SKRILLLLLLLLLEX! I'M GOING TO ABIZA THEN WE'RE TAKING THAT BITCH TO YACHT WEEK!
Ok we get it. They pre game from 9pm-2am and then go out until 9 am. Then they sleep until 2pm, go to work for like an hour and then start drinking margaritas during siesta. Honestly, I don't understand how anything gets done in this city. They have been trying to secede from Spain for like a hundred years, and it took them like 2 centuries to build that stupid church because conceivably everyone was too hungover or busy partying. I really don't know what the fuck anyone in Barcelona does, because I was there for 96 hours and all I saw was drinking and all I felt was bass. I have a private theory that in 1992 everyone got super fucking rich during the olympics and invested in night clubs...then when all of the American trust fund kids came and spent every last dime of their parents money at Opium, Posha and Razzmatazz, they got rich again.

That or they make their money hosting the American kids, honestly how in the fuck did you all go abroad and stay with a madre, you realize if you got your own apartment you could fuck whoever you wanted without having to worry about it, right? Ya, if you got Barcelona, you like to party.


TL;DR these are 9 cities that we should probably all visit, they all have something exciting to offer, and I would urge more people to travel in general. It's a crazy and beautiful world out there, and I assure you that 50 years from now, you will value the 600 dollar plane ticket to Europe over the new Prada Bag you're eyeing.