Into the wild

I have become so disgusted with the hipocrisy and the self-absorbed nature of these ignorant and narrowminded egocentric Americans that I have decided to selflessly take upon myself an act of moral cleansing by burning all of my possessions and going into the wilderness to find meaning in life...

Fuck that. I represent literally everything that is wrong with America. Not only do I spend money that I don't have to keep up my socialite status, the only 2 things I ever consider when making a decision is the direct impact it will have on me and the perception others have of me...and I am largely devoid of emotion.

That said, I am going north of the border today to some mythical location called the Wisconsin Dells. While I am going to stay in a luxurious cabin on a cul de sac near a resort, I like to think that it is adventurous. I've always wanted to take a shotgun and a case of beer out into the woods and just start shooting shit, but I think that I will treat this trip as if I were going to a lake house...except there is snow on the ground, and no lake...and no boat. I am mandating that the girls still remain in swimsuits the entire time.

Lake house weekends are always legendary as the highlight is usually getting outrageously drunk with people you have been friends with for 10 years+ playing very intense card games, violent tubing battles and usually some accidental/intentional nudity of some sort, but I digress...

The Wisconsin Dells must be the tackiest place on Earth...In the middle of nowhere some idiot had the great idea to put a wax museum, a haunted house and a big ass indoor water park. Along with strip clubs and casinos this place is just begging for a group of bored twenty somethings to come burn it to the ground, and I will be happy to oblige. On the 3 hour car ride up I am going to be live-tweeting the effects on "Purple drank" (cough syrup, vodka, grape soda, xanax) on my pals...I shall obstain, because I don't want to pull a Brittany Murphy...I'd much rather pull a Janis Joplin...some day there will be consequences for the decisions that I'm making now...but fuck it they'll probably have cures for everything and free liver replacements in like 2 or 3 years anyway...replace every 30,000 blackouts.