DW-why?

People that have been reading since the Chicago days will remember I wrote a segment about party trolleys, which are essentially party buses with some character. Over the Thanksgiving weekend I took two separate party buses to and from Bloomington for the IU Purdue game, and even though one of these buses broke down on the way back to Indianapolis Saturday night (stranding me briefly in a ditch off of 37) I still considered the experience a success. So in honor of my favorite method of transportation I thought I would put together a top 10 list of why party buses are awesome and should be implemented into your event whenever possible.

10. DUI's are real. If you are anything like me, if you are going to any sort of exciting event you are going to drink heavily. And outside a mormon friend or a willing to please girlfriend, everyone in your party wants to do the same. And while it would be possible to elect someone to be the designated driver, that fucking blows for that guy, and what if they suddenly have a change of heart halfway through? Ohhhh but we'll pay for the gas, and we'll buy you pot for driving us...not enough. You may as well tell this guy, fuck you, you're a marginal friend and we're using you for transportation, you should just be happy we're letting you hang out. Party bus solves this problem, and everyone gets to have a good time.

9. Fuck cabs. SERIOUSLY FUCK CABS. WHo do these motherfuckers think they are? You can't squeeze four in the back? Your credit card reader is broken? You have the audacity to ask for a tip after you charge me $10 to drive me a mile? Cabs are cramped, awkward and you know these anti-american fucks are selling your iPhones on ebay after you drunkenly leave them in the back. Go bark in Swahili to your boys in Egypt on your own time, because I'll be on this comfortable coach bus taking pulls of whiskey while you take advantage of another group of drunk white kids.

8. Mobile pregame. Have you ever been on a fun road trip en route to some cool event and thought, "wow you know what would be great? If we could start boozing legally and not worry about having to pull over every 10 minutes for bathroom stops." BOOOOOM! Problem fucking solved. Even if your bus doesn't have a toilet, we've all been in the back of a school bus and peed into a water bottle and tossed it out the window...right?

7. Cost Effective. We haven't gotten to the modern luxuries of the 21st century party bus, but let me drop some math on you homey. Have you ever cabbed it to the airport in a major city? Chicago, New York, Los Angeles. It is $40 minimum. I can't imagine how much it would be to take that same cab to a concert venue in the boonies, but regardless it will suck massive amounts of cock. Sure a party bus costs $900 but when you get 45 people to split that, it's $20. You probably couldn't even drive sober to your destination on that much gas. And instead of worrying about driving, drinking, parking, you just worry about picking up a case of beer and boarding.

6. 45 fucking people. That is a party! Most pregames are like 20 people, and that's cool it's an intimate setting to get hammered and plant seeds with the chick you want to take home. It's also an economical way to intoxicate oneself prior to spending upwards of $150 at the bar. But when you get a party bus, things get knocked up to a new level. People view a party bus as a special event and usually rage extra hard. Probably to make up for all those stressful cab rides when they couldn't bounce all over the place taking beer bongs and rumplemintz shots.

5. No seatbelts. Party buses come in all shapes and sizes, but usually you have free reign over the entire vehicle as long as you don't get too out of control. This means dance parties in the aisles, moving around sections of the bus to talk to different groups of people. You could actually host an around the world party on a bus, with each quadrant of the bus having different specialty drinks. In fact, for the Big Ten bar crawl, each row of the bus could represent a school with different campus cocktails...I like where this is going.

4. To properly party you must stand. Most people sit all fucking day, doing data entry and when you sit, you are lethargic, when you sit you get tired, when you stand you are properly poised to RAGE. Think about all the cool drinking games, you stand. The sitting drinking games were the bullshit you played in high school because they were quiet and the parents wouldn't come downstairs. Have you ever done beer jousting? It's like regular jousting except with beer cans instead of lances. Ok Cool. Have you ever beer jousted while driving 70 mph down the PCH? Ya, didn't think so.

3. Pre-emptive win. When you see the army that shows up on the party bus arrive at the event. It is clear they have already won. They are having more fun than you. Oh, you had a few drinks at your house before the thing and then had your mom drop you off? These guys have puke stains on the side of the bus and 3 of the girls are already passed out in the back. They went hard, and will continue to experience this intense comradarie all day, you will not be able to break into their exclusive circle of awesome...unless you arrive on the same bus.

2. Bar crawl is over...now what? Well you either board the bus and continue the party...or you call a cab and wait 30 minutes? Try to drive home and end up in jail? Get a hotel near where the event was? Call a sober friend? Basically you are going to wait around and sadly watch the bus disembark and wish you were on their raging with the A team.

1. Because it's fucking awesome. Whether you find a way to bang a chick in the back of the bus, convince someone to actually use the stripper poll or use the abundance of room to take a nap on the way back to your place so you can rally later that night, everything about a party bus is far superior to everything not party bus. They are always full of debauchery, sleazy encounters with the opposite sex, lots of spilling of liquids and guaranteed memories. You ever see a facebook album of pictures taken on a party bus? Ya, you look on with envy because they are having such a rocking good time. Remember, a party is always better when you are moving.

I hope to see all you left coasters in Hermosa on Saturday and if we go way back but I don't recognize you, it's because I got a one hour head start on you and entered my blackout a little early, it happens, but at least I'm partying responsibly.