Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Born on the Fourth of July: A Last Minute Weekend Planning Guide

This Eagle definitely got invited to a lake hose this weekend.
Los Angeles is better than New York. In fact, if you live on the west side of Los Angeles, you objectively live in the greatest neighborhood in the world. Every single day is as if you are living in a dream state. The weather is perfect, each day is ripe with limitless opportunities and there are no insects.

I could write a novel length dissertation about the various reasons that "The city" kinda sucks. But the truth is, compared to the rest of the country, New York is pretty great. Look if you want to bitch about the Hobby Lobby decision, kick it in Williamsburg with Albanian cab drivers in a dirty, tiny ass apartment so you can pretend to be the hipster spawn of Lena Dunham and Frances Ha, that's your business, so long as you know that you're in second place. I award you a set of steak knives.

The rest of the country is a tie for third, which isn't bad, because you still live in the greatest country in the world. And that's what this week is about. Starting today there will be a celebration of America that will end whenever my hangover kicks in this weekend. I'm hoping I can continually drink until about Sunday at noon and just die, but sometimes when you shoot for the moon, you hit the roof.

So from here on out on this post there will be no LA/NY Iggy A/Nikki M shade throwing. Today we are all Americans cheering for a bunch of short guys in a sport we really don't understand and dammit if that isn't what this country is all about I don't know what is. (#Ibelievethatwewillwin)

But After we all leave work at 1pm today and go straight to the bar (2pm for Denver homies, 3pm for Chitown, 4pm for NYC) to cheer on USMNT over the evil waffles, that will only be the beginning of the holiday bender. You probably have Friday off work, and you may be in need of some last minute plans to ensure you have an epic weekend. WELL LOOK NO FURTHER, I am here to save your Independence Day Weekend with a few last minute ideas to properly display your patriotism!

Please note, all plans will include the following:
-Large bodies of water
-Wearing a swimsuit and some type of red, white and blue accessory
-Shit that explodes
-Drinking

So for many of you that won't be too far a deviation from a typical Saturday afternoon, but for others it will take some stepping out of the comfort zone. Just remember, always pack a swimsuit and never order your burger anything past medium. Let's start with the most ambitious last minute weekend, to the easiest.

1. GO ON VACATION
At this point in your life, hopefully you have a rainy day fund of a few hundred bucks to do something impulsive and awesome. And even if you don't just take those bills and kick the can down the road a while, pay them when you're ready. Credit scores are overrated, your parents worked hard for many years in order to be able to co-sign your mortgage when you default on your Audi payment (it may have been a stretch but that S8 is SICK)

Some day there will be more barriers to entry on last minute vacations. Kids, a nagging wife, a cunty boss who wants some work done over the weekend...As of right now the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego has rooms for $300 a night. Sure, that's a bit pricey, but divide it by 4? It's basically free. Road trips are fun, and nothing says America like ripping Fireball shots at a Pacific Beach bar with eight 23 year old blondes in American Flag bikinis. Did you know you can also rent a boat for the day? And don't worry about BUIs. Those only exist in fake cities that don't have murders to solve. Next time a cop pulls you over on Monroe tell him to leave you alone and go find *REDACTED*

Other LA drivable lacations: Newport, Mexico, Palm Springs, Malibu


2. GET TO THE LAKE
So you don't live in LA and you can't quickly get to another vacation destination via a quick drive. NO WORRIES. Going to a lake house is almost as much fun. The best part about going to the lake is a fairly contained atmosphere of lawlessness. You are going to take over someone's house with 8 of your friends, drink all day on the boat and then go to some place like the Frog (Wawasee) or Chuck's (Geneva) At some point you will watch fireworks from the boat, and you will most certainly have an incident when someone almost sinks said boat or drowns.

Going to the lake is probably the thing I miss most about the midwest. Something about playing catch phrase, skinny dipping and drinking Old Crow on the end of a dock until 5 o clock in the morning always feels right. And please wake me up at 7am on two hours sleep when you guys go wakeboarding. Just make sure there are a few cold rally beers leftover. Haven't been invited to go to the lake? Offer to drive. For whatever reason lakes are always in a miserable remote town and everyone hates driving, likely because they know how hungover they will be on Sunday. Still don't have an invite? Offer to bring the cocaine.

Top 5 Midwest lakes: 1. Geneva (WI) 2. Wawasee (IN) 3. Diamond Lake (MI) 4. Lake Cumberland (KY) 5. Lake Michigan (various) Also receiving votes: Sweetwater (IN nostalgic favorite) Lake of the Ozarks (too family oriented) Not receiving votes: Geist. "Rehab" has fucking shamed my childhood

3. POOL PARTY
Ok so you didn't rally a group to go on a road trip and you didn't get invited to a lake house (blame your parents, they should have bought you your own lake house) SURELY, you know someone with access to a pool and a grill.

This is basically a variation on what I will be doing this weekend. After the Hermosa Beach Ironman I will try to bike back to Marina Del Rey where I will sit in a hot tub and drink Budweiser for 12 hours, then I will limp back to Venice Beach and prop myself in a corner for the night/fireworks portion of the party. My body will be discovered at some point on Monday I'm sure.

The pool party/bbq is an absolute classic. It involves loud music, lots of skin and the ability to take unnecessary risks (like grinding down the metal pool ladder handles or doing backflips into 4 foot water) You get to bag some rays and then once you're SUPER drunk, play with your own "out of state" fireworks kit. At some point maybe you'll saunter off to a bar with some chick you're trying to close, but I maintain that 4th weekend is one time to avoid bars. They tend to frown on bare feet and wet swimsuits. Play 74 games of beer pong. Get bags going. Bocce or beach volleyball...or my personal favorite. FOUR CORNERS. Four people get into the four corners of a pool and then someone throws a beer in the middle of the pool, and everyone fights for it. IT'S GREAT!

Best types of pools: 1. Private pool 2. Rooftop building pool 3. Mansion Pool 4. Apartment complex pool (for peak obnoxiousness and zero fuck giving)

4. JUST GET DRUNK IN YOUR BACKYARD AND MAKE A BOMB
If you haven't been invited on a trip, to a lake or even a friend's party, you are fucking pathetic and maybe you should just hide in your room all day and feel shame.

NAY! It is your right as an American to get fucked up and destroy something on the 4th of July, just like we destroyed Great Britain's fighting spirit after the American Revolution. I think one year I was grounded and couldn't go to Matt Dowd's pool party because I had taken a called third strike or something in a baseball tournament. (Had I hit a homerun and then killed a man, I would have been able to go to the party AND gotten a new video game. Value systems) My mom felt bad for me and took me to get a shit ton of fireworks for my brother and I to shoot off from our basketball court/sandbox. I ended up going to totse.com and downloading the anarchists cookbook and learning how to make a drano bomb. I listened to the National Anthem on repeat while watching the Geist fireworks and elaborately setting up dozens of army men and a real life bomb in the sandbox. I emptied a two liter of RC cola and filled it with tiny aluminum foil balls, I then emptied half a bottle of Drano into the two liter and closed it tight.

Nothing happened.

Until two hours after the fireworks show ended, there was an eruption from our backyard that sounded like a god damn nuke. I was in the pool at the time and my parents frantically ran around the yard looking for the cause of the commotion. I quickly rushed to blame some of the high school kids that lived next door. The next day I went out to the sandbox to survey the damage.

There were no survivors.

Enjoy the holidays everyone and GO USA!

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