Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Bachelor Prop Bets



The shortest passage in the Bible is John 11:35. This is something every good midwestern boy learns in Sunday School. The passage merely reads "Jesus wept," and I imagine that's what he does every time he sees the massive cross hanging around Olivia's neck.

God she's the worst.

But Jesus wasn't the only one weeping last night. The rallying cry of the social justice warriors was muted when their 'strong female character' Jubilee was put out of her misery in favor of the Lauren B's and Beccas of the world. Meanwhile in Iowa, Donald Trump was upset by a sociopath and a socialist hermit from Vermont is taking a serious run at Jezebel's personal savior.

So many emotions right now…

But we don't have time for politics and/or the social repercussions of eliminating the last black contestant on The Bachelor. It's Super Bowl week after all, so let's get right to the prop bets, shall we?

Caila is the next Bachelorette 1/1
EVEN MONEY ON THE HOT FILIPINO. Because what is more of a win/win for ABC than a hot mixed race chick? They can pat themselves on the back for having a brown (yellow?) Bachelorette and STILL keep the show primarily white! It's like hiring a WASPy guy named Chad to be a diversity staff writer because he's totally 1/8 Cherokee! I guarantee you the rest of Caila's edit is going to focus on how much fun she is with intermittent reminders that she is totally not 100% white. Did you know that in the Philippines there is a bar run by midgets designed to look like Middle Earth?

Lauren B wins The Bachelor, breaks up with Ben a week later. 3/1
Sarah looked at me last night and said 'Ugh, why do y'all like her, she's SO basic.' This is true. A life with Lauren B means missionary sex, quarterly blow jobs, definitely no butt stuff. But then you look at Ben, Ben is basic af. 

I mean look at these fucking guys. They look like they're ready for a big night out at Applebee's.
Of course this relationship will be over within a week because Ben is famous now and famous people want to put it in the butt. 

Olivia recaptures the hearts of the liberal world via a 'Crying Game' situation. 1,000/1
Olivia is so horrible that she cannot be redeemed. I don't know what that bitch said to Ben before the 'to be continued' situation. At this point, an Uncle rape, a brother suicide…no dice. THAT SAID, if somehow Olivia were to be a trans man living as a woman? She's back. Ben would be up a creek. BEN'S DISMISSAL OF OLIVIA IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF TRANSPHOBIC AMERICA! Can you imagine the ratings for the dick reveal? I mean sure, it would be blurred out a la a Japanese bukkake situation, stay tuned for the director's cut DVD.

In a shocking reveal, Leah is actually Natalee Holloway 10,000/1
Did you ever see the movie Double Jeopardy? Bruce Greenwood fakes his own death so that Ashley Judd will go to jail for his 'murder.' Ashley Judd is eventually released from prison finds out that he is actually alive and kills him because you can't be tried for the same crime twice. Maybe Joran Van Der Sloot was just kind of a shitty boyfriend and 'Leah' wanted him to rot in jail, meanwhile after some light plastic surgery she's ready for love again.

I mean it's not THAT much of a stretch.

Emily murders Olivia at the next Rose Ceremony 350/1
We all knew that Emily wasn't very smart, and last night we saw an unintelligent, nervous girl finally break. A cornered animal is oft the most dangerous. I wouldn't be surprised if in the presence of her certain demise Emily snapped and straight up murdered Olivia.



It's actually the death just before this that's more applicable, Cat merc'ing Frye's wife. But this is an all time GIF. BONUS PROP Olivia is summoned from the dead as Lady OFACE and kills all the remaining competitors 100000000/1

Becca is a robot. 50/1
At 50/1 that's good value! Are you familiar with the theory that Keanu Reeves is immortal? Will someone on Reddit please provide similar supporting facts that Becca is a robot? At the moment all I have is a hunch.



Jojo has fucked your boyfriend. 1/5
Just look at this skinny little betch.


OF COURSE SHE HAS FUCKED YOUR BOYFRIEND. Jojo is an alpha. Jojo was in a sorority! She probably went in front of angel board multiple times for infractions such as: cocaine, sex in cold dorm, 'borrowing' your Prada bag, blacking out at formal. Jojo is like the original Mean Girl.

Check out those fucking photoshop skills yo.

Jennifer survives the next rose ceremony 500/1
Jennifer is the one person in the world happy about that little to be continued situation, because it guarantees her one more royalty check on episode 6. Jennifer may have great tits, but she never had a chance on The Bachelor. She has the same odds of surviving another week as Rick Santorum does on winning the Republican nomination.

Also in case anyone was wondering why people always laugh at Rick Santorum's name, it's because 'santorum' is slang for the gooey fecal matter/lube combo that is the byproduct of anal sex. Sorry for ruining your day.

Lauren H and Amanda go lesbian 100/1
There is absolutely no evidence to support this, but I like both of these characters. Lauren H is like the funny girl that I'm friends with and sometimes when we're really drunk we hook up. Amanda is so sweet, but I just can't saddle my man with two kids that aren't his. I want them both to find happy endings and in the context of this show that means these two declaring their love for each other. ABC could pay for their wedding, throw them a lavish honeymoon, air it as a 3 night event and satisfy the LGBT community forever. They'll probably even win a GLAAD award.

Some day I'll be a great network executive.

Lace returns in the finale to have one more drunken meltdown. 20/1
I mean why not right? In a world where Reality Steve is spoiling everything, the producers have to have one last trick up their sleeves? I watched Unreal, I know how soulless these people can be.

I agree Lace. I agree.

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