I once drove four hours to a girl's house on a Thursday night. I didn't have work off the next day, I wasn't planning a long weekend. I simply left Lake Forest, IL at around 530 pm and by the time I made it to Indy it was probably about 1030pm (time zone change) When I got there I think we had a glass of wine, watched one episode of Say Yes to the Dress and went to bed. We seriously might not have even had sex.
The next morning I woke up at 5am and drove to my shitty job in Chicago.
That was dumb.
But I was 23 and I was 'in love.' That's probably the stupidest thing I ever did 'for love.'
The irony of the story is that the following Monday, I did not make it to work. See I had gone straight from work that Friday to the Milwaukee airport, flown to NYC and proceeded to do all of the cocaine in Manhattan. Then I took the 6am MONDAY flight back to Milwaukee, with the plan to drive straight to work in the North Shore suburbs.
For those of you keeping track at home, my plan had read like this.
Thursday- Go to work, drive to Indiana.
Friday- Drive from Indiana to Lake Forest, IL. Work. Drive to Wisconsin. Fly to New York. Party.
Saturday- Party
Sunday- Party
Monday- Fly to Wisconsin, drive to Illinois. Go to work, drive home to Chicago.
The human body has limits. This was my breaking point. I made it to the Milwaukee airport and had a total meltdown. I slept on the floor of baggage claim for two hours and then drove straight back to Chicago and proceeded to sleep for 20 hours. When I showed up to work on Tuesday, I claimed I thought we had MLK day off. It kinda worked. I wouldn't be fired for five more months.
***
That is a rough travel story. Pity me if you want, or just think to yourself that I am a degenerate for attempting to pull something like that off. But whatever you do, don't pity Amanda from the Bachelor. Because she's doing just fine.
If you're having trouble following, I should note that Amanda (the mom) was sent home last night. She seemed to be cool with it outside of the fact that Ben made her drive all the way up the 405 to LA. Really harshing her mellow man...
95 miles? One hour and forty five minutes? That's nothing.
How DARE Ben Higgins summon her from Orange County to summarily dump her on national TV!! What are her kids supposed to think?
Guys, Amanda was at Bungalow last Saturday, she's doing just fine.
I bet Amanda didn't even have to drive herself to the mansion in Agoura Hills. ABC def sprung for a black car to get her. Maybe even an SUV. Hell, I bet they put her up in a nice hotel afterward.
But I'm not writing this post today to poke fun at Amanda. I'm sure she'll continue to party the rest of her 20's and take over parenting duties from Mom and Dad once it's convenient for her. The truth is we have three girls left and I don't know who to cheer for anymore. They all kinda suck, so instead of ranking the girls today, I'll be ranking their hometowns based on what was shown in the episode.
3. Hudson, OH
Before we go anywhere, I just want to mention that I am TOTALLY not prejudice against Ohio. SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE OHIOANS. That said, JESUS that place looks like the worst. I think the only thing worse than being from Cleveland would be an almost suburb of Cleveland. Not even a fucking toy factory could save this date. It also doesn't help that Caila's dad is a fucking vampire.
Seriously…
Caila's dad…
A vampire…
Ok, maybe it's a bit of a stretch.
2. Dallas, TX
How do you want to spend your day in Dallas? You want to argue about an ex-boyfriend and then get roughed up by my brothers?
No? Would it help if I told you my parents are rich as fuck and not only do they have a giant plantation but I myself live in an apartment straight out of an Anthropologie catalogue?
It helps a little I guess. Anything else?
Ya my mom's plastic surgery looks like this…
Ew.
1. Portland, OR
God dammit, we got cheated out of our Venice day because Lauren was actually raised in Portland. But you know what? Lauren's day in Portland was normal and really that's all we want at this point, right? They went whisky tasting and her parents were pretty cool. Her sister was kind of a babe…and her brothers point blank asked Ben if he was planning on fucking her next week in the Fantasy Suite. Now those are future bros in law I can get on board with.
It's time for this season to end, shit is going off the rails.
See you in Jamaica bitches.
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