Indiana Travel Guide

I apologize for not putting up a Bachelor recap last week. I was busy reading hot take think pieces about a 19 year old boy putting his balls in a trainers face and a rock star doing a fuck ton of drugs and hooking up with a groupie.

WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEAVE WHITE MALES ALONE?

I'm kidding, I was dealing with real life stuff and to be honest the episode was pretty shitty. They went to the Bahamas and it rained the whole time.

Wanna know what happened last time I went to the Bahamas in inclement weather? I flew there on a goddamn private jet and went to a day club where a gay man in a cowboy hat game me a one pound bag of ecstasy pills. I then proceeded to take about five of those pills during dinner at Nobu and accosted Steve Urkel at Aura. I think I stole his bottle because he refused a picture with me. All the while my house in Bloomington was being raided by a man named Captain Cash who is now dead.

"Come at the king you best not miss."

I'm sorry, that started as a humble brag before I went full on douche. I apologize. The moral of the story is that shitty weather does not make The Bahamas boring. Shitty people make the Bahamas boring.

Thank Christ this week gave us Conservative Mecca Indiana, which you may be aware is my home state. I have complicated feelings about Indiana because while it was a wonderful place to grow up, it's also boring as shit. But this week, as Indiana is wont to do for large events, it brought the fucking heat.

I've never been more proud to be a Hoosier…welcome to God's country.

Stop 1: Winona Lake
Welcome to Winona Lake, the smaller shittier Wawasee! If you have ever met a person from Indiana with a shred of financial stability they probably talk about this cool lake that has a bar that is loosely affiliated with Frogs.

THIS IS NOT THAT LAKE. It's a glorified retention pond, in fact I couldn't tell from Ben's shitty pontoon boat but I imagine there is some sort of HP restriction on those motors. NO EXTREME WAKEBOARDING BRO.

Anyway, Ben jets the girls over to some 'waterfront Air BnB' that I assure you costs $200 a night for the entire house. There will be people on the internet today that stress that the Higgins family is wealthy. I will calmly retort, I currently have sufficient savings (about $1000) to retire to Northern Indiana. Once Ben drops the chicks off at home we find out that Basic Bitch Lauren is getting date 1…yippie!

Stop 2: Community Center
You know you live in a one horse town when the grand tour consists of your middle school, your high school and a fucking community center. But this community center had it all: white kids playing sports, a mentally handicapped kid that can do parlor tricks and even a bullied youth crying in the corner!

As if Down's Sydrome kids making bets and hitting half court shots wasn't enough, the goddamn Indiana Pacers showed up! George Hill tried his best to play the local card. "I grew up in Indiana, it's a small state." Paul George was much less convincing. I could see it in his eyes, "I'm a motherfucking superstar, why am I in Warsaw, Indiana?" I don't know Paul, I don't know.

The Pacers make the kids do jumping jacks and some other shit that got my frat kicked off for hazing and then Ben and Lauren kiss. It's cute, I guess.

Stop 3: Wrigley Field
Ok, I know what you're thinking. Chicago is TOTALLY a suburb of Warsaw, IN right? Actually, it's not even close. It's a casual 120 miles away. That's roughly the distance between New York City and Wilmington, DE. When is the last time you thought of Delaware as a suburb of The City? But fuck it, Warsaw is boring right?

Let's go somewhere cool!

So they go up to Wrigleyville, the Jerusalem of coke addicted frat bros everywhere and give themselves a private tour of the stadium. It was during this date that I realized why I love Jojo. Of the remaining contestants, Jojo is the only one that is a Serena-type. She's hot, she's sexy, she has tits. The rest are all Blairs. They dress cute, they have nice skin and good smiles. Gentlemen out there trying to describe to your girlfriend why you like Jojo over Lauren. Simply tell them, it's a classic Gossip Girl situation, they'll understand.

The date itself was fine, Ben looked like he wanted to rail Jojo's tits off inside that scoreboard, and like Serena, she TOTALLY would have let him. Bonus points for going through with the date despite an obvious thunderstorm. I was oddly nostalgic for miserable November weather in Chicago, right around the time where everyone is losing hope and the girls are secretly celebrating because they don't have to shave their legs for the next 5 months.

What I found interesting though was Ben didn't seem to be able to enjoy the date until he broke Jojo into crying and telling him something sad. Does Ben Higgins understand that these are all hot rich white chicks in their 20's? It's likely that nothing bad has ever happened to him. I'm starting to think Benny is a bit of a masochist, I bet he's in to choking.

The date ended with them eating some unimpressive food, I would have probably cum if it were Lou's or Portillo's but they settled for some shitty catering, must have blown all the budget locking down that location.

Stop 4: A random barn!
All right, Lauren got the Pacers, Jojo got Wrigley…what will Becca, Caila and Amanda get? A random fucking barn in the middle of nowhere! Yay! That's the Indiana we know and love. I'll admit, I mostly played Clash of Clans during this segment because it was boring AF. Ben told Amanda he wanted to mmet her kids. Becca begged not to get voted off in a rose ceremony (spoiler alert: she does!) and Caila blah blah blah she's going to be the next Bachelorette because of affirmative action. Amanda gets the rose and judging by the promos for next week's ep it will NOT go well.

But Amanda got to hang with Ben the rest of the night, I shit you not, this is what they did.

-Worked a McDonald's drive thru. I promise I think one of them said 'this has always been a dream of mine.' It was also SHAMELESS shilling of McDonald's breakfast all day, something that was probably super relevant when they filmed this is November.

-Met the Mayor of Warsaw. I think he even gave Ben like a key to the city.

-Rode rides at a carnival that was thrown to honor Ben.

It's Indiana folks, it doesn't take much to impress them.

Stop 5: Home sweet home
They're meeting the parents! In their totally affordable Northern Indiana lake house! The neighbors are probably wholesome blond bombshells that do 4H, they probably look a lot like Emily! Emily? What a curious choice to take home Emily? You want the 23 year old bottle girl with no personality to be grilled by your parents?
Here is a list of things Emily was asked by the parents, followed by her answers…

Hopes: Be an above average mother and spouse. Cheerlead for the Denver Broncos.
Fears: Vegetables. Does not like vegetables.
Dreams: Watch movies like all day.

Is she a keeper?

Mom and Dad's verdict: NOPE

Sorry Emily, back to the pole (I'm kidding she seems like a nice girl, I'm sure she'll get a good bar tending gig in LA. Maybe Sarah can swing her a job at Bungalow, and then I can date Emily, at which point I will delete this blog. If this blog ever suddenly gets deleted I am either dating Emily from the Bachelor or unexpectedly got staffed on a TV show.)

Stop 6: Town Hall?
Just to hammer home for the 972nd time that it's a small town, the rose ceremony is done on the steps of the town hall, which is I bet where the cool kids ate lunch during high school.

After whining to Chris Harrison for 2.5 seconds that he doesn't want to cut anyone, Ben finally mercy kills Becca, a girl with whom he had less sexual chemistry than he had with his mom. (Seriously, I was moderately disturbed with his parent sex jokes)

Yay onto the girl's hometown dates. If ABC's website is accurate, we should be getting Marina Del Rey (Venice adjacent!) Dallas (and Jojo's evil older brothers) Orange County (PLEASE MAKE AN OC REFERENCE) and Akron. (LeBron or GTFO)

Can't wait!