TL;DR new Barbies came out last week so a bunch of fat girls could feel better about themselves. And now realistic Barbie needs a realistic prince because LOL fat girls can't date hot guys, that's only in bad movies and nights where I take too much MDMA.
The new Ken dolls…Barbie is so lucky to have all these new choices.
Inoffensive black friend Ken: Inoffensive black friend Ken grew up in a middle class home in Torrance. His father was an attorney, his mother ran a cooking blog. You and Ken did theatre together at Mira Costa High School. In the stage production of High School Musical, you played Troy Bolton and he played Corbin Bleu. Sometimes on the weekends, the two of you would roll together in his mom's white Chrysler Sebring convertible. You would listen to rap music and Ken wouldn't make you censor the 'n word' he gets it. It's fun to say.
You would TOTALLY let Ken date your sister because he's your bestie man! When people call you racist you point to inoffensive friend Ken and say NU UH MY BEST FRIEND IS BLACK! You even share jeans and white tee shirts sometimes because "We're all in this together!"
Post-prime frat bro Kenny: Post-prime frat bro Kenny was a fucking legend man. Do you remember his parties in high school? His dad had that fat spot in the Palisades and his mom had the beach house in Malibu! You guys made it rain as Lambdas at SC, dropping hundreds of dollars at the 9-0 Every. Single. Night. You guys even had a 4-way in the steam shower of his dad's pool house once. That shit bonds people!
After college, Kenny's absentee father bought him a nice bachelor pad on the Marina peninsula. Kenny started a charity that provides free legal defense for frat guys accused of hazing. He started packing on the pounds and he's not as good with chicks anymore being that he maxed out at 5'8. But if you're down to get straight ratchet on a Sunday, he'll buy you some shots at The Whaler.
Ethnically ambiguous lawyer Ken: Ethnically ambiguous lawyer Ken won't tell you his heritage, but he's definitely not white. Yellow or brown, maybe even partially, but he's smashing racist stereotypes. You think I'm an Asian working at a wok shop in the inland empire? "Ha! I'm a lawyer living in Brentwood, I just made junior partner you fucking scum." No he doesn't have any 'homies' that live in East LA. No he doesn't speak Spanish. Why would you assume that? He goes to Q's on the weekends and hits on UCLA chicks, just like you!
Sometimes you wonder if ethnically ambiguous lawyer Ken is actually just a tan white guy. He does kinda resemble John Travolta playing Robert Shapiro in American Crime Story. For all I know Travolta is white, unless being a Scientologist allows you to self-identify as alien. EAL Ken is definitely NOT a tall dark complected white man though. He was in the CBS diversity writer's workshop before he decided to go to law school, and now he spends his days wearing ill fitting suits and too much hair product.
Pixie gay boi Ken (aka Angel): Pixie gay boi Ken knows he's a stereotype, but you know what? He doesn't give a fuck. In fact, he would prefer you call him by his nickname, 'Angel.' When Angel isn't busy chugging cock at one of Bryan Singer's pool parties, he is employed as a semi-professional voguer at The Abby. Angel is also an actor/model/director/producer/dancer/poet/essayist/artist/barista. He's a fabulous shopping companion to Barbie.
On the weekends Angel can often be found in Palm Springs at the Ace, usually traveling with an older gentleman. Angel knows what you're thinking. He'll only be pretty and young for so long. Two words for you: memoir bitch.
Silver Lake Kenneth: 'May I offer you a pour over coffee? Perhaps a local IPA or a single malt scotch?' You politely decline and notice that his coffee table is a repurposed tree stump. "Do you like it? I got it at a flea market, I traded a homeless man…er sorry, that was offensive. I traded a nomad for it. Four Abba records, vinyl of course." You don't quite remember when Ken started demanding you call him Kenneth. It was around the same time he started collecting lots of flannel and always dressing like it was about 40 degrees out.
He also has taken to social media a lot lately to support Hilary. He also weirdly brags that his girlfriend doesn't shave her vagina. That's not something to be proud of bro.
Pedophile Ken: Pedophile Ken is legally obligated to tell you that he has to be 500 feet away from schools at all times. BUT he wasn't really masturbating behind that bush, he was peeing. The fact that there were little girls playing hopscotch next door was total coincidence, he was just shaking man, didn't wanna get any piss on his sweet new khakis. When did America get so soft?
This whole thing is ridiculous. A guy used to be able to lose his hair, grow a creepy beard and live with his mom. No one would say a word, but now you put on a few pounds and a quarter zip and people look at you like you're Jared fucking Fogel. For real man, Ken just wants to jerk off to hentai porn and play Fallout 4, leave him the fuck alone.
umm is inoffensive black friend Ken checking out Angel?
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