Extreme Wedding Itinerary

Welcome back to John and Meg week on SingledudeinLA! All week on the blog I'll be previewing their wedding this weekend in Austin. Today's entry will be focused on an extremely action packed weekend in the Texas capital.

It's Wednesday afternoon and there is only one thing going through my head. I cannot wait to get the fuck out of this LA cesspool and hang out with some fucking frat stars. This weekend will be full of Amphetamine abuse, collarbone shots and a fuck ton of DFMOs (dance floor make out, pronounced diffmo) if you are into that shit, read on. If not, proceed to Jezebel to find out what member of the Kardashian's washed up rapper The Game is fucking.

THURSDAY

5pm: Depart Universal City and speed my fucking Mini Cooper all the way to LAX. I'll probably listen to the song 'I Believe in a Thing Called Love' because that song fucking rocks. I might smoke a god damn cigarette on the way and drink a Mountain Dew AMP. FUCK YA, I'm on vacation bitch.

6:08pm Arrive at LAX for my 7pm flight. Due to pending charges I haven't been able to get precheck yet. Don't worry, I'll get out of it. I always do. Due to positive racial profiling anytime I show up in court the judge just assumes I was 'at the wrong place at the wrong time' but anyway, I will have to wait in security at the airport. This will probably only allow me to have one beer and one shot before my flight.

6:50pm Yesterday I pulled up my flight info to see what my movie options would be on my flight. Maybe I could watch Sing Street for the 300th time...this is when I found out that I'm on a motherfucking prop plane. To Austin. I thought prop planes went from Indiana to Chicago. How in the fuck am I flying half way across the country on a glorified Cessna? THEY BETTER HAVE ALCOHOL.

Midnight (Local time) Land at Austin airport...drunk. Hopefully the rental car is ready. Don't worry, I'm not driving.

12:30am. Arrive at my Air Bnb. So help me God, if this place isn't stacked to the max with booze I will give them a 1 star review. I'm ready to stay up until 5am yelling Texas Forever.

FRIDAY

8am: Rise and Shine motherfuckers. I have the day off today and I am going to make it count. Quickly check the emails.

'Wife and I are hiking the Green Belt today, all are welcome!'
Lame, why would anyone bring their wife to a frat wedding.

Here's another one.
'My main goal today is do find delicious barbecue.'
Better, at least they serve alcohol at most restaurants.

Lastly.
'Anyone want to hit up Barton Springs Pool?'
Yes, that. Nothing goes together like getting fucked up at a pool.

I wake my roommates up to the song 'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC and hide Smirnoff Ice all over the house. We're going swimming, but not after an aggressive 2 hour pregame.

10am: We arrive at the pool. There are some UT Alpha Phis sunning themselves on the shore. I do a cannonball near them as a peacocking move. It doesn't work. Apparently Dad Bod peaked in 2015. No matter. I brought a case of beer. We play a game where people throw a beer toward the water and you jump off the shore and catch it in the air. It is an awesome game. The lifeguards disagree. We are kindly asked to leave the pool. If you are keeping score in wedding fantasy football, I would lose a point.

Noon: We are at a bbq place now and everyone is mad at me. 'When are you going to grow up?' 'Why did you push my wife in the springs?' HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I WAS TESTING THE WATERPROOFNESS OF THE IPHONE7? We eat some bbq and people are asking if we should go back to our respective hotels to rest. Not enjoying this one bit, I beg everyone to let me get them ONE drink before we retire home to rest before the evening's event.

2pm: We arrive at the Dizzy Rooster and I order a celebratory round of shots...only what everyone doesn't know is that I have slipped a 10mg adderall into every shot glass. WHOOPS! 6th Street Bar Crawl!!!!!!!!!!

230pm: Friends
3pm: Barcelona
330pm: Darwin's
4pm: Midnight Cowboy
430pm: Blind Pig
Things escalate at the Blind Pig. There are a group of Phi Psis on a bar crawl and we challenge them to a drinking olympics. We play flip cup, we teach them Rage Cage, shots are involved. The Indiana Alumni topple the UT kids. Obviously.


6:48 Everyone freaks out when they realize we are all fucked up and the welcome party starts in 15 minutes. With no time to change we all hop in pedicabs and head to the party in swimsuits.

720pm: God dammit. There are adults here. People are also dressed nice. I am in a pink swimsuit that is somehow ripped. It must have been when I got kicked out of friends and attempted to re-enter by jumping through the window. It's ok, I'll just play it cool and hang by the bar. The groom's parents have seen me at my worst before. Right now I'm just a tall guy who is slightly under dressed.

There are cute girls here. Of course there are, the groom works at Facebook, the bride works at the Chive. You have to be like hotter than a 7 to work there. I realize I need to find some clothes to wear or I'm never going to convince one of these Chivettes to come back to my Rainey Street bunk bed.

I bribe one of the bartenders for his jacket. I tell him I'll give him $200 and he can hold my iPhone for collateral. Next I find a closet with some salmon pants that don't match the jacket that I'm wearing but they are better than a swimsuit.

9pm: There are some speeches and I'm talking to a very old person. For whatever reason anytime I'm at a wedding I like to talk to adults and lie about what I do. Yes technically I am a writer, and I do work on a TV show. It's not my fault if they infer that I am a writer on a tv show. But it totally worked at a wedding a few years back when some dad introduced me to his daughter 'This is Dave, he writes on The Newsroom!'

I bet that dad wouldn't have introduced us had he known what I would do in that broom closet.

9:30pm The open bar is cut off, people are talking about where to go, I hear there is a bus to Maggie Mae's, I am fucking elated. I get there and find one of the single groomsman. We decide to have a competition to see who can get the most numbers at this largely college kid bar. I start strong but then I find myself get into a particularly long conversation with a Sophomore. She's a journalism major. She asks me if I want to go see her dorm room. I do.

1211am: I come out of my black out in a hallway. I realize I have no idea where I am. Fortunately I am wearing my pants, but I have no shirt. My wallet is in my pants. There is no way I will ever guess this chick's room number. Fuck it. It wasn't even my jacket. I hobble out to a street and try to get an uber but I realize it was banned and I don't have a phone anyway, I hail a cab and have it take me to Rainey Street. I find my Air BnB but I'm locked out and no one answers when I knock. I fall asleep on a bench on our front patio.

SATURDAY

10am: My roommate dumps a bucket of water on my face and I jump with a start. 'What, what's wrong?'

'Well we're late for golf, you are on video stealing some pants from the welcome party and you slept on the front porch without a shirt on."

'Is anyone mad?'

'Strangely no.'

My roommate throws me a change of clothes and we're off to Butler Park Pitch and Putt.

1030am: The group has already started and we join them on the second hole. I insisted on grabbing a 12 pack from the clubhouse so I could play beer a hole. Half the group is pleased with my exploits, the other half are horrified. I am told specifically by one person that they are not allowed to be friends with me anymore because I seem like a bad influence.

11:48am I hole out on the 6th from 78 yards, I force everyone present to shotgun a beer with me. I will find out later at the clubhouse that an ace at a Pitch and Putt doesn't qualify for a PGA hole in one plaque. I demand at least a free beer. The clubhouse manager reluctantly grants my request.

1pm: Feeling ready to conquer the world after 10 beers and a hole in one I recruit people to take me to hike the Green Belt. I've heard it's a fun thing to do in Austin.

2pm: About an hour into the Greenbelt hike the beer and the heat catch up with me. I vomit all over a quaint picnic area. I see a woman telling her young son not to grow up to be like me. At this exact moment a crazy thunderstorm breaks out. We run back to the car but I slip several times in the mud. My group is not pleased.

3:45pm: My roommates throw me in the shower turned as hot as it will go. They can't sober me up. It's basically like the penultimate scene in Flight. Finally Kevin shows up with a secret weapon.
'I found a store with original formula Four Loko. What do you think?'

'It's a risk,' Says Jack, 'What if it backfires.'

'If it backfires I don't think Dave will be invited to many more weddings.'

They decide to go for it and funnel some into my mouth. Like Popeye eating Spinach or Leo huffing blow I am resurrected from my catatonic state. I finish showering get dressed and we disembark for the ceremony.

4:30pm The ceremony is held. I keep kicking Alicia asking when they are going to break the glass and lift them around on a chair.

'It's not a Jewish Wedding Dave.'

I write down on a program that all weddings should do the chair lift thing.

5:30pm I am at a table on the far outskirts of the reception area. There are crayons in front of me. I can't decide if this is an ironic adult coloring situation or if I am legit at the kids table. We eat dinner, someone talks to me about why Trump will win. There is a choreographed entry by the wedding party. I give it an 8.

Speech Speech, toast, first dance, please and I spend the next 2 hours trying to find a dance partner. I decide it's time for drastic measures. I rip a tablecloth off a table and find my friend Joey. It's time for dance floor limbo.

8pm Dance floor limbo is a hit. It spirals eventually into double dutch, also a classic wedding move. People start to abuse the open bar a little more. The adults start to get tired. The energy is picking up. This is when I shine.

10pm I'm yelling at the band for not knowing how to play 'Sorry' when someone taps me on the shoulder. 'I read your blog.'

'Which one?'

'The one where you predicted how the weekend in Austin was going to go.'

My brain almost explodes as I try to wrap my head around this.

'How many wedding fantasy points do you get if you do a collarbone shot off of me?'

'Let's find out.'

12am: Blog girl is telling me that she lives in Austin and I should come back with her. I protest that I really need to make it back to my bunk bed tonight. Maybe tomorrow. As I'm beginning to leave I see the bartender with my phone.

'Hey man, can I get my phone back?'

'Can I get my jacket back?'

Fuck. I get in a fake uber back to Rainey Street. Somehow I'm locked out again and sleep on the front porch.

SUNDAY 

10am I wake up to find it raining on my face. The door swings open and my roommates are bummed that we won't be able to float the river today.

'What do you mean we can't float, of course we can!'

'It's storming, it will be dangerous.'

'Bullshit, this is just a tiny cell, let's at least take the bus over there and check the situation.'

12pm we get to New Braunfels and it is pouring rain. My friends refuse to get off the bus.

'It's dangerous dude. Look at those rapids.'

I give some speech about the fact that if I die doing what I love then it's a tragedy and every bad thing I did will be forgiven just like Joe Paterno.

They respond that if I die drunk floating a river people will remember me as an idiot and also that Joe Paterno was not forgiven in death.

AGREE TO DISAGREE and I get on my inflatable tube with my person 6 pack.

2pm: It's still raining and I'm out of beer. The leisurely float is turning into something more akin to white water rafting. I also realized that I must have nodded off for a minute because I now appear to be the only person on the river and I hear thunder. Fuck. I see a small RV park up ahead and abandon my cooler and inner tube. I walk up to a large RV and see a man drinking Budweisers and watching NFL. I ask him if I can join him for a minute. He hands me a Budweiser and we watch some sports.

6pm: RV bro asks if I need a ride back to Austin. I do. His wife and daughter give me a ride back to Austin proper. I argue with the 12 year old daughter whether or not One Direction will ever get back together. I decide that they will but only after Zayn and Harry both have their careers stall. We spend the last 20 minutes jamming out to the Hamilton soundtrack. Me and the 12 year old know every word to Schuyler Sisters.

7pm: I'm back on Rainey Street. It's still raining. I see my roommates eating barbecue. I tell them about my day, they tell me they would not like to travel with me anymore. It's heavily insinuated that I will not stand at my roommate's eventual wedding. I order a beer and remember I don't have my wallet on me. You guys got this one right?

9pm: We're calling it a weekend and I finally make it to my bunk bed. It's not very comfortable. I grab a pillow and take it to the front porch. I see collarbone shot girl walking down the street.
'What are you doing here?'
'What are you doing OUT there?'

She tells me she lives next door. It's fate. I go over there with the intention of sex, but fall asleep immediately.

MONDAY 

7am I get to the airport. I'm on Delta, a large plane. Sing Street is an option. I watch it. I order a bloody Mary. Fuck it why not.

10am I get to the office straight from LAX. I grab a Smart Water. Someone asks me how the weekend was? Really relaxing, really emotional. I think I'm ready to get married guys. Everyone says awwwww and then I stealthily go take 4 Excedrin Migraine and prepare for the worst day of my life.